Thursday Morning Wrath

[Magdalane]

Yay!! NOW I'm ready for the weekend!

[Percy_CN]

You, sir, are amazing lol. I shall be laughing at this all weekend.

[QuiQuaeQuod]

Just randomly stumbled on this thread from the main overview and thought 'what is that' without even noticing it was the fan-fic section... which I never read. I read the first post though and I've got to say, this stuff is bloody marvellous; you can't imagine how much each of the out-of-character Light Side 5 references and the 'grade 4 lockbox' stuff made me laugh!

[Doozzer]

SO LONG, WRATH.

and thanks for all the fish.

 

 

Servant One: So I heard a rumor that this was the last episode of The Wrath.

Servant Two: Shut up.

Servant One: Well, it would explain why we're back after a long hiatus.

Servant Two: So you really believe it?

Servant One: Well, what else is there to say?

Servant Two: Goodbye I guess.

 

OH NO YOU DON'T.

 

Servant One: Huh?

 

If this really is the last episode, I'm installing that gaydar I bought for 2V-R8 a million pages ago.

 

Servant Two: Ha!

Servant One: Why are you so excited? You're the gay one.

Servant Two: What gave you that idea?

Servant One: Only like 26 pages of banter. You watch Project Runway.

Servant Two: With my girlfriend, Servant Six.

Servant One: NO *********** WAY

 

Servant Six? Seriously? She's totally hot.

 

Servant Two: Yea, she has a thing for sensitive guys. I mean, all women do, they just don't know how to find them so they just go straight to bad boys.

I'm actually kind of scared of how much sense that makes.

 

Servant Two: Well yea, you're a woman.

Servant One: Well, I guess we don't need the gaydar then. Case closed.

Servant Two: Admit it.

 

Yea, admit it.

 

Servant One: Admit what?

Servant Two: The voice who shouts loudest has the most to hide.

Servant One: You don't really think I'm...

 

Well not at first, but eventually? Definitely.

 

Servant Two: Come on. Admit it. Last episode.

Servant One: Fine. I'm gay.

 

KNEW IT!

 

Servant Two: Does that feel better?

Servant One: Actually, it kind of does. Thanks you guys.

 

Ha! What a queen! Hey narrator, did you see that?

 

Of course.

 

Well that was fun. So, what are we doing tonight?

 

I uhm... was kind of hoping you'd come up with something.

 

Well I'd need to go to the grocery store for some idea juice.

 

Are you seriously out of boxed wine again already?

...Yes.

 

You have a problem.

 

My problem is that Two Buck Chuck doesn't live down the street from me.

 

You're hopeless Wrath, I'm gonna go bother Havoc.

 

Whatever, gets you off my back.

 

Aren't you going to thank the readers for their loyal patronage?

Not while I'm sober.

 

You're so impossible, Wrath. I guess there's only one thing for us to do.

You're still here, and I'm still sober. What gives?

 

I only have one more question for you. Then you're off the hook forever.

Fine. Shoot.

 

A sphincter says what?

 

What?

 

That'll be all. Enjoy your retirement from fan fiction, Wrath. We had fun!

 

WAIT A MINUTE

 

Nope. Wayne's World gag. Swish!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Havoc.

 

Huh?

 

What are you doing?

 

I'm sitting on a dropship waiting to rock'n'roll all over alderaan. There's some stupid planetary cannon down there... I didn't really pay attention to the briefing but whatever, I get to shoot people.

 

Hey that's great! We've never written action before. We can close with that. I know Greypilgrim is always trying to figure out how to write combat. I guess we'll show her how we do it in the big leagues.

Well sure... In like a half hour.

 

Huh?

 

Yea that's the part you don't see when you're sitting in queue on fleet. Military life. Hurry up and wait.

But... We just struck out with the Wrath. She's stone sober. You've got to do something interesting for the readers, quick!

 

Look, I'm sitting on a dropship. There's not a lot I can do. Well... There's one thing.

 

Anything.

 

It's kind of a SpecForce thing. Military joke. Some of your readers might not get it.

 

**** it, we'll take anything right now.

 

Fine. But you owe me.

 

Did I ever tell you that you were my favorite, Havoc?

 

Were you always a crappy liar, or are you just bad with girls?

 

The second one. Now get to work.

 

 

 

Havoc1 took a brief look around the dropship, strapped into the gravity harness. She saw the monitor with the ETA on it- The longest 24 minutes of her life, today, just like every other day in the army.

 

She considered checking her weapon again, and levered the action. It hit the receiver with a hearty ka-chak, smooth. So smooth. There was no need, she had already done it 3 times, she could field strip it blindfolded.

 

Glancing around she noticed the others. The Jedi were the most boring. They never talked, they just sat in the G harness and meditated. There was nothing worse in the Republic Fleet then bunking with Jedi, their calm attitude and bland approach to every issue made the whole religion look like a truck load of wet paper bags. She wondered briefly if Force-Sensitivity made you boring, or if it was something that was just hammered into you during training on Tython.

 

A smuggler was cleaning his pistols with an oil cloth on the other side of aisle. How a cowboy like him got roped into this, Havoc1 couldn't be sure. She just hoped the amateur wouldn't get in the way.

 

With nothing left to do, and nobody interesting to talk to, she fell back on the soldiers that she knew. She elbowed a vanguard sitting next to her.

 

"

." She mumbled under her breath.

 

"Hmm?" The vanguard replied.

 

"I have a dream about her." Havoc 1 continued.

 

"She rings my bell." A commando across the aisle picked up the tune.

 

"Got gym class in half an hour." Havoc1 spoke the next line.

 

"Oh how she rocks, in keds and tube socks." The vanguard finally picked it up.

 

"She doesn't know who I am..." Havoc1 said. "She doesn't give a damn about me!"

 

"CAUSE I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG, BABY!" All the troopers sang out in unison.

 

The smuggler looked confused.

 

"YEA I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY!" All the troopers sang again. The Jedi seemed to wake up and look around.

 

The dropship pilot chimed in over the intercom. "LISTEN TO IRON MAIDEN BABY WITH ME!"

 

"ooohooooohoooohoooo!" The soldiers sang throughout the ship, the civilians and jedi looking at them funny.

 

"He lives on my block. He drives an iroc." The soldiers sang.

 

"HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME." Havoc1 insisted.

 

"CAUSE I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY. I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY. LISTEN TO IRON MAIDEN BABY WITH ME! OOOOOHOOOOOOHOOOOO!" They all finished together.

 

"Thank you captain." Havoc1 pressed the intercom.

 

"Thank you, lieutenant." He chirped back.

 

The clueless jedi just shook their heads.

 

 

That good?

 

Thank you Havoc, you're the best.

 

Anytime. What now?

 

 

Well first, everyone needs to click

.

(Simple Minds, Don't You)

Then, they need to click here.

(The Wrath Family Portrait)

Then, they need to read this...

 

 

THE WRATH

 

The Wrath would eventually retire from her position as Emperor's Wrath, citing that she was too drunk and irresponsible to maintain the position, passing the job off to a more qualified Sith Marauder that was a stronger class in PVP.

 

In her retirement, she set up her own dating service on Nar Shaddaa called "The ERP Server."

Her policy forbid listing the clientele's faction affiliation, and was regarded as one of the most progressive institutions for inter-faction politics and dating in the Galaxy.

 

Imperial investors in Solokcupid would eventually buy out the business and gut it, but the Wrath only shrugged. She bought a winery on Alderaan and settled down and married Quinn, and used the vineyard as an excuse to pursue her true passion in life, alcoholism.

 

Also, she finally bought herself the Dessler Turbo she always wanted. Some days she was even sober enough to drive it.

 

 

BROONMARK

 

Broonmark would write slash fiction and do odd jobs for the Wrath for a few years, and did administrative work at ERP Server. After the company was bought out though, he focused on his writing career and eventually hit it big with his cyberpunk detective drama. Critics would rave that it was "Like Neuromancer, except the protagonist was gay and Molly Millions was a dude in drag."

PIERCE AND VETTE

 

Pierce resigned his commission in the Imperial Navy when the Wrath retired, but teamed up with his girlfriend Vette to match his black ops skills to her cat burglary and kleptomania. Together they re-appropriated many twi'lek artifacts. They would eventually retire from crime after Vette developed an exhibitionist fetish for having sex in tombs that eventually led to the couple nearly being captured on several capers. Their current whereabouts are unknown.

 

JAESA AND CHRIS

 

Chris eventually had a durasteel prosthetic hip replacement installed that could withstand Jaesa's bedroom antics. They got married a few years later, and had the wedding at the Wrath's vineyard on Alderaan. Satele Shan was a wedding guest, and the Wrath paid Jaesa 100,000 credits to throw the bouquet directly at Shan's face.

 

The Wrath of course never admitted that she had financed such a vicious prank and claimed ignorance.

 

"BIG SIS", PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1.

 

Big Sis eventually retired from active bounty hunting, and took up an administrative job in the Mandalorian Enclave in Kaas City, where she served as a handler for low level bounty hunters during the annual Great Hunt. She eventually divorced Torian Cadera over a difference of opinion on starting a family, and later married Gault. Mako and Torian later ran into each other in a bar on Tatooine, hit it off, and got married. They have 4 kids.

 

 

"LITTLE SIS", GHOST WHISPERER

 

Lil Sis went on to make a lucrative career in huttball, on account of she was a Sith Assassin. Her career on the Rotworms was tragically cut short by an ankle injury she received while force-pulling someone into a terrain hazard, from which she never recovered.

She fell back on coaching, and has led the Kaas City Mynocs to the playoffs for the third year in a row. In the off season, she coaches girls volleyball for the Korriban All-Sith Girls League where she is infamous among the overseers for her pet team- "The Slime-Idiot-Slaves," made up entirely of Sith Inquisitor hopefuls.

 

 

HAVOC1

 

Havoc1 would eventually chase down and kill Tavus, fulfilling her mission. Aric Jorgan attempted to escalate their relationship beyond convenient sex, but Havoc rebuffed him, and broke it off.

She went on ERP Server for a while and ended up dating most of the Cipher Agents in Imperial Intelligence.

She would later write a counter-intelligence manual for the SIS regarding the seduction strategies used by Imperial Intelligence, but it never caught on, mostly because the SIS brass at the time considered the book to have very little actual counter-intelligence or espionage in it, citing that "it read like a Chelsea Handler book, except every chapter was about screwing James Bond."

Her manual was eventually declassified, and became wildly popular as a coffee table reader for women throughout the galaxy.

Her literary success sparked a late night talk show, which led to the role that would cement her type-cast career in movies- the drill sergeant in Full Durasteel Jacket.

She would also eventually re-kindle her romance with Aric Jorgan, and marry him.

 

 

OVERSEER HARKUN

 

While never actually featured in the Thursday Morning Wrath series, Overseer Harkun would continue to be the best NPC in the game. Slave.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thanks Everyone,

 

Especially all the girl gamers who came out of the woodwork to read the Wrath. I know you all found us eventually, and on several occasions you laughed so hard that your husbands or your co-workers thought you were crazy.

 

Its ok, we laughed with you.

 

 

Is the Wrath really over?

 

Yes, it is. We've had a lot of fun here, but theres a few factors that have conspired against her to bring us to where we are today. I actually had the epilogue treatment written and waiting to be pasted in 2 chapters back.

 

There are 2 major factors that are causing us to close out the story of the drunk Sith who has become one of SWTOR Fan Fiction's favorite characters.

 

The first of them is that next week I will be flying cross country for what might be the most important job interview of my life, and if I get that job, I'll have to relocate cross country to take it, and my SWTOR career will not survive the move if I do.

 

The second reason is that the Wrath lives in a shadow of another story I've already written, and she's gone to a place we can't follow her on these forums without breaking rules, getting banned, and generally posting controversial material.

 

The original Wrath, a manuscript I wrote a few years ago and tried to sell but couldn't, (Not a surprise. Literary agents have a 99% rejection rate. Everyone who's ever written a book will tell you that writing the book is the least of the accomplishments. Getting it sold is the hard part.) was a much raunchier, nastier, and Rated R story than Bioware would ever allow us to have on the boards.

 

It was the Diary of a Coed Monster, the first person story of 19 year old art students that happened to also be mythological monsters, and Helena the medusa, Annie the werecat, Lucia the Lamia, and Charlotte "Miss Skeeto" the vampire were ten times sexier, raunchier, and more fun than the Wrath could ever be. But since the Wrath can't go there, I'm not interested in writing the same story again, but sanitized. There was sex and sexuality, growing up, strippers, online dating, feline tongue bathing, medusa haircuts (machetes are involved), embarrassment, humiliation, and drama that only a 19 year old freshman college girl who was also a supernatural creature could withstand.

 

If I can find a chapter that isn't too awesome for these boards, maybe all post it.

 

 

Just watch out for the Wrath in the fan fiction section of any game you play. She might not be there in person, but she might be there in spirit. If there's anything we love writing, its girls behaving badly.

 

 

Thanks again

 

The Dooz

[Arravan]

By order of the Dark Council and in light of your reputation as a master of fiction, you are now Darth Doozzer!

 

Long live Darth Doozzer. May his writings entertain and drive more to the Dark Side of the Force!

 

 

Seriously dude, thanks for the excellent story and good luck on this new chapter of your life.

[SpoeMeister]

A little tear just sprung in my eyes. When originally that was from laughing so hard with your stories, it is now stemming from the sad feeling of saying goddbye to the Wrath.

 

Doozer, good luck on your interview, you deserve to get the job! This epic story kept me laughing througout the weeks! my deepest gratitude for that!

[llesna]

Haha! Thanks for making me smile ^_^

 

Very nicely written

[Magdalane]

Thanks Doozer. You've made my enforced vacation from work a little more bearable. I wish you great success in your interview, and hope that I am as lucky soon. Come back sometimes and let us know how it's going!

 

Mags

[Kalterien]

Good luck with the interview and thanks for all the fish.

 

It's been a fun ride reading this over the last few weeks since I found it, sad to see it go but all things have to end eventually.

[DarthRamette]

Thanks for all the laughs Doozer, good luck with the interview and I will always have a soft spot for the Wrath and never look at my Wrath the same again.

[Lynlloyd]

Thanks for all the laughs Doozer, good luck with the interview and I will always have a soft spot for the Wrath and never look at my Wrath the same again.

 

Nor Jaesa or other crew members.

 

Best of luck Doozer, and thank you.

[Percy_CN]

Aww, sad to see it end. Seriously, this was some of the funniest stuff on these forums. Good luck with the interview and hope you get the job.

[kaytahn]

Wrath will be a character I always remember. It was an excellent read and shall be missed. Thank you for finishing with where everyone ended up, when you've read about characters so long, you really do care. And, good luck.

[MilaniGrey]

I think I just might cry. Reading The Wrath over these past few weeks has been such an amusing time. I'm glad I found it, and while I only understoodd some of your ambiguous 80's references, I still found your stories to be hilarious and at times, uplifting. I hope your job interview goes well and that you get the job.

 

Long Live The Dooz!

Edited May 20, 2012 by MilaniGrey

[Doozzer]

Thanks for all the laughs Doozer, good luck with the interview and I will always have a soft spot for the Wrath and never look at my Wrath the same again.

 

OH LOOK WHO SHOWS UP AFTER LIKE 15 PAGES

You're in the dog house, Ramette.

[MaximusSuperior]

Would you be willing to e-mail that Rated-R book to those of us that want it (I realize this wont happen if you are still trying to publish it), and if not and it does get published, POST THE NAME OF THE BOOK ON THIS THREAD!!!!!

 

Edit: oh, and you can say "look how big of a following a mulled down version of it got on a fan fic section that 99% of the people who play the game dont look at" (and reddit, which is how i found out about it)

Edited May 21, 2012 by MaximusSuperior

[Doozzer]

Would you be willing to e-mail that Rated-R book to those of us that want it (I realize this wont happen if you are still trying to publish it), and if not and it does get published, POST THE NAME OF THE BOOK ON THIS THREAD!!!!!

 

Edit: oh, and you can say "look how big of a following a mulled down version of it got on a fan fic section that 99% of the people who play the game dont look at" (and reddit, which is how i found out about it)

 

I'll go through my bag of tricks and see if I can find a chapter that's only diet raunchy.

[Doozzer]

Because Maximus asked so politely, I went through my old files and found the Coed Monster manuscript and found some chapters that weren't specifically about brazen sex acts that no one should try with their significant others because they are way too hot.

 

I dug up the "Lost Chapters." This was the epilogue part of the manuscript that takes place in the summer, after the normal story which encompasses the school year. Every year the Coppertons spend summer on the family ranch in Texas, where they attempt to kill each other... More on that later.

 

THE INTRODUCTION

Because most of the manuscript is about stuff you do in college, (sex and drinking) we're going to pick up the story in an odd place, where the characters are mostly already developed, and will reference parts of the book that will never be posted on this forum.

 

Helena Copperton- The protagonist. Helena "Hellie" Copperton is a 19 year old art student. Her father is businessman from Texas, patriarch of the Copperton clan and owner of the Copperton ranch. Helena's mother is a normal human psychologist and bestselling self-help author. She insists that Helena keep a diary to help her gain perspective and resolve her intimacy issues- Helena has struggled with her sexuality since her teenage years after accidentally paralyzing her first boyfriend. He's okay now. Helena has a poor relationship with her mother and resents her psychological advice. She attends MILO College of Art and Design in Los Angeles. (She would have graduated this year. Now I feel old )

 

Annie the Sledgehammer- Helena's lifelong best friend, Annie is from a lycanthropic bloodline. She spent much of her childhood in the company of the Coppertons, and doesn't talk about her family much because they have been ostracized from their werefolk clan. (Annie is a hybrid and can't transform to disguise herself, in traditional werecommunity, hybrid children are often killed at birth to avoid discovery. Annie's parents were exiled for keeping her. This is never discussed at length in the story.) She has a sunny attitude and is socially and sexually aggressive, earning her the nickname "Sledgehammer." Helena is jealous of how easily Annie gets along with people and attributes Annie's charm with 'being cute and fuzzy instead of scary and scaly.'

 

Charlotte "Miss Skeeto"- Skeeto is Annie's roommate at the apartment complex right next to the MILO campus. She is a vampire who has been dead for roughly fifty years and a nerdy geek girl. Skeeto received her nickname for her single fang, she lost her other one when she was elbowed in the face while waiting in line trying to get tickets for the original theater release of Return of the Jedi back in 83. Only her grandfather in Darkness calls her Charlotte.

 

Lucia "Loose Luce"- Helena's roommate in Guapa Beach. Lucia is an 800lb Lamia (most of it in her tail) with a white collar job in HR. She is purely coldblooded and requires a space heater and body heat to avoid slipping into a torpid state while she sleeps. She gets along well with Helena because of their mutual preference for warm weather due to their reptilian ancestry. (most monsterfolk live together because they scare people and its hard to find apartments.) Lucia's interests are physical fitness and promiscuous sex. Helena does not sleep well on most weekends, the walls in the house are thin.

 

Ted Copperton- Helena's cousin and full blooded male medusa. (They're bald.) Ted is Annie's schoolgirl crush and it annoys the hell out of Helena because it makes her a third wheel.

 

Grocery- Originally one of Skeeto's friends with benefits, Grocery was bitten and turned into a vampire by Skeeto after discovering that he had a high-mortality cancer which his family was too poor to treat. Rather than bankrupt his family by prolonging his life a few months, Grocery opted to circumvent the issue by becoming undead.

[Doozzer]

(WARNING- FORMATTING WAS LOST WHEN I COPY/PASTED TO THE FORUM AND I AM TO LAZY TO FIX IT.)

Lost Chapter 1, "Mailbox baseball"

Dear Diary, it was a Copperton family Texas barbecue.

 

Cousin Bill had his bat out. He was always the scrawniest of the Copperton lot as a child, but he was sixteen now and he grew into a fine young man, an all star baseball player at that.

Bill was not one of the brighter Coppertons, in that he had not yet learned that boasting in our family was typically met with being called out in a painful fashion. He was a fantastic athlete, but somehow talent and physical prowess had sapped his brain, and he was incapable of divining the consequences of his actions with any forethought at all.

I think if he’s lucky he might live to see his seventeenth birthday.

“I’m the best hitter in the league.” He was telling Annie and me.

He was trying awfully hard to impress Annie, which was cute in the way that teenagers are when they’re trying to pick each other up but have no game and nothing to talk about. It also pays to mention that Cousin Bill was completely oblivious to the fact that nearly every night without fail, Annie and Ted were sneaking out of the house every night to hook up out in the field under the stars.

We figured it would shatter his world if he ever figured it out, so Annie just kept leading him on while Ted stood behind her trying not to laugh, he’d go back to school at the end of summer and meet girls his own age and forget all about Annie anyways.

“I can hit ten balls back to back, from anyone in this family, belt them right out of the yard!” He waved his bat at the congregation of barbecue worshippers.

This would be his first mistake of the evening.

What Bill had forgotten was that Esther Copperton, our seventy year old grandmother, and easily the most diabolical and wicked of an entire family of backstabbing pranksters, was attending the barbecue.

Most people wouldn’t have anything to fear from Grandma Esther, she was by all accounts a sweet old lady, but Bill had just mentioned that he could hit off of anyone in the family. Esther in her prime was a champion softball player, and she kept herself in fantastic shape, playing in the senior league with women twenty years younger than her.

Grandma Esther had a vile reputation in softball; she was locally called the “Snake on the Mound.” She was about as evil a pitcher as she was a Copperton, so Bill was about to get a double dose of the family venom.

“Bet you can’t hit ten straight off of me, Little Billy.” She croaked.

Silence all around.

The gauntlet had been thrown down. Would Billy pick it up?

He would. Billy isn’t that bright.

“Grandma you can’t pitch, you play softball!” he mused.

“Oh? So you think because I’m old and I play a lady’s game I can’t throw, hmm?” She cackled.

“Boy, you have no idea the beast you have unleashed.” Ted mumbled.

“How about we make it a challenge then, Little Billy, if hitting off your grandma is so easy, why don’t you try taking a golf ball?”

Nothing about this was good.

Grandma had an arm like a cannon. Have you ever seen womens’ softball on ESPN? Where some of the girls wind up so hard they practically lift off the mound like a helicopter when they pitch? That was Grandma in her prime, and she still had it too. Grandma Esther pitching golf balls was probably a war crime.

“Alright.” Bill consented, realizing that his guy machismo was on the line with all the other Copperton boys, who would all naturally use that kind of tough guy posturing to bait each other constantly.

Ted got grandma a bucket of golf balls from the shed.

Grandma told Bill where to stand, and then walked out the distance between the mound and the plate, counting in her head as she took the steps. She was all business.

“Still think you can hit ten straight off your Grandma, Little Billy?” She teased.

Billy gulped. “Just pitch!” he chirped.

Grandma wound up and chucked a golf ball at him.

He clipped it, right down where the base line would have been on a real diamond.

Grandma nodded her approval, and then spat. She had a massive pinch of chew in her mouth, she was very much a classic ballplayer in terms of vices, and it was a miracle she didn’t have mouth cancer.

Grandma pitched again.

Bill hit the golf ball clean this time, and it made a resounding PING off the bat and fired off into the sky, landing god knows where out on the pasture.

“Not bad.” Grandma grinned. “But can you hit the old Copperton Sidewinder?”

Billy didn’t know what the Copperton Sidewinder was, and by the way, it as evil as it sounds.

Grandma is the most dangerous kind of pitcher, an evil genius and tactical ball player that takes every at bat personally. She knows when to throw strikes, and she knows when to throw balls. She studies the league stats, and she knows who the hitters are, and who is on the roster to fill positions.

Most importantly, she knows when to hit a batter to get him off the plate if there’s the slightest risk of him belting one out of the park with men on bases. She is an evil, vindictive ballplayer, and a sore loser to boot. The Copperton Sidewinder isn’t a special pitch; it’s just her popping the batter and giving him a base.

I knew what the Copperton Sidewinder was.

Ted knew what the Copperton Sidewinder was.

We both knew that Grandma Esther had an eye like a predatory bird and could put that ball anywhere she wanted.

“Back off, Bill, you don’t want to take that pitch!” Ted warned.

“She doesn’t scare me, I’m two for two!” Bill shot back.

“Listen to your brother, Little Billy; you don’t want to agitate the Snake on the Mound.” Grandma taunted.

But Billy did not back down.

Grandma winded up.

She threw the Copperton Sidewinder.

Bill’s face turned beat red and his eyes teared up. His grip on his bat was white-knuckle momentarily, but then relaxed completely and he dropped it to the grass with an audible thump as it smacked into the sod. His hands instinctively reached for his crotch, and he pitched forward into the lawn, his scream of pain high and screeching.

Resounding laughter reverberated throughout the barbecue, Grandma stood on her makeshift mound and spat.

“You hit two of my balls, and I hit two of yours. I reckon that puts you back down to zero, Little Billy.” She cackled.

Bill was not in the mood to argue. Nobody had ever hit the Copperton Sidewinder.

“gosh darn Grandma is nasty.” Ted mused as he nodded in sad dismay at Billy, crawling along the lawn in a state of prolific pain.

“This has nothing on the time she faked her own death just to see who would cry at her funeral, and then called dad a ***** when he found her and started bawling like a baby.” I reciprocated.

“That was a good one.” Ted laughed.

Bill eventually rejoined the party after spending a half hour with a bag of frozen vegetables on his crotch. You always come back to a Copperton party, just to see who else will get their pride wounded.

 

I should mention though that aside from being none to bright, Bill is a glutton for punishment. When he came back around to where Ted, Annie, and I were sitting, he was all business.

He had a mischievous grin on his face, which was typically bad news, because as boys Ted and Billy were partners in crime. Ted had two years on Billy, so between the two of them he was always the wily mastermind, and Bill the unwitting fall guy.

Throughout childhood, everyone knew this to be true, but a Copperton parent never punishes the real perpetrator when blame can be shifted, and even though we were all peripherally aware that the plan had always been executed to perfection by Ted, Billy was always the whipping boy when they got caught.

At first this was intentional, they’d go light on Ted and hard on Billy, just to knock some sense into him and make him realize he was being manipulated. For ten years this went on, and when everyone realized there was a fair chance that Billy was just too thick to see the writing on the wall, they all kept doing it anyways just because it was funny.

“We should play mailbox baseball tonight!” Bill grinned.

Ted thought about it for all of two seconds then nodded. “Tomorrow night, I’m doing something tonight.”

Annie blushed. Bill didn’t see it.

“Come on!” Bill rebutted.

“Tomorrow night, I promise, I’ll drive. I gotta take care of some **** tonight though, so its not gonna happen.” Ted grinned.

Bill walked off, self-assured.

“I can’t believe he hasn’t caught on.” Annie giggled.

“He’s dumb as a post alright.” Ted mused. “But that ain’t the half of it. Hellie get your keys, we gotta go to the hardware store.”

“Get the **** out, Uncle Al just put the steaks on the grill.” I whined.

“And Al can’t cook for ****, come on, take us to the hardware store and I’ll buy both you girls real steaks and a decent barbecue joint.” He sneered.

Well he did have a point, Uncle Al didn’t know his own *** from a bag of charcoal, and I’m not going to turn down a free steak.

“Why the hell do we need to go the hardware store all of a sudden anyways?” Annie prodded him.

“Because I have got a really bad idea.” Ted chuckled.

“That’s not a comforting thought.” I mumbled.

 

When we got to the hardware store, Ted made a beeline for the mailboxes. He knew exactly where they were, because in the past whenever the folks caught him and Bill out playing mailbox baseball they always made him go to the store to get the new mailbox.

But this time, he had something different in mind. He grabbed the mailbox that the Copperton ranch always had, and then he grabbed one of the smaller ones and shoved it inside of it. Grunting his satisfaction, he put the larger mailbox back on the shelf, and ran around the store, collecting a twenty five foot length of chain, and a bag of quick drying cement. He bought all these things along with the mailbox, and then took us out to get a steak.

“So what’s the occasion for this sudden show of generosity?” I mad dogged him between bites. It was a way better steak than what Al would have cooked.

“As if I needed an occasion to spoil my two favorite girls in the world.” He grinned.

“For a Copperton, you’re a ****** liar.” Annie scolded.

“Oh we never lie darlin; sometimes we just creatively omit the truth.” He chuckled.

“Seriously Ted, what are you on about?” I pursued.

“Nothing tonight.” He held his hands up.

“Nothing tonight?” Annie raised an eyebrow.

“Besides that.” He grinned. “Honestly. Mailbox baseball is tomorrow night.”

“It was uncharacteristically responsible of you to buy the replacement mailbox ahead of time, Ted. Why the hell do you always whack our own box anyways?” I sneered.

“Hellie, don’t you know the first thing about mailbox baseball? You gotta whack your own, what are the neighbors going to think when they come out on the street and see the Copperton box is the only one left standing?” He chided. “Besides, I’m fixing to make sure we never have to replace a mailbox ever again…”

“That still doesn’t explain why you took us out to dinner; I’m not buying altruistic intent.” Annie chuckled.

“I needed an hour or two away from Bill to keep him from asking sensitive questions.” He quipped. “And I’ll say no more about that. When we get back, it will all become crystal clear.”

That couldn’t be good.

 

When we got back to the ranch, Ted had me stop at the roadside and wrapped the chain around the stake our mailbox was mounted on, then secured it to my trailer hitch and had me pull the whole damn thing out of the ground. He then instructed me to take the round about trail back to the compound and park behind the barn.

Ted pulled the mailbox out of the truck and set it down on the floor of the barn, and began mixing half of the bag of quick drying cement into a rusty old milk pail.

He got a screwdriver and pried the door off the smaller mailbox so it would fit completely inside the existing one. He then placed it inside our mailbox, and arranged it so it was perfectly centered with about two inches of negative space on any given side.

“Perfect.” He mumbled to himself, and poured the wet cement into the space between the two boxes, then shut the lid on the outer mailbox to test it.

“Won’t know the difference to look at it, and no one will realize the mailbox is gone for a day.” He grinned.

“And you’re going to drive Bill out for mailbox baseball tomorrow night.” I realized.

“Yup. That’ll be a riot.” He chuckled.

“I don’t know whether to be ashamed of your casual fraternal sadism or to admire your cunning and resourcefulness. You know if he hits that thing at any decent speed, its probably going to break his arm.” I lectured.

Ted shrugged. “Well you know how much Nurse Eve over in the ER loves us; I’d hate to go a year without seeing that nice old lady.”

“You’re depraved.” Annie spat.

“Its one of my more charming qualities.” Ted bowed.

 

Ted left the mailbox in the corner of the barn to dry overnight. Since the family was around and nobody was doing any proper work around the ranch because of it, it stayed there undiscovered, and he got his truck and drove out to the street to sink the mailbox back into its foundation right before cock’s crow. By midday, the cement was completely dry, baked to a rock hard core in between the thin sheet metal sandwich under the Texas sun.

 

That night we got a call from Nurse Eve in the ER at one in the morning. Ted had brought Bill in with a broken arm and a shattered wooden bat.

When they put Ted on the phone, he admitted to the folks that they had been out playing mailbox baseball, and noted that ‘Some clever snake of a neighbor’ had sabotaged their box with a concrete sandwich to deter such pranks.

Ted came back from the ER with Bill in tow, his arm in a sling and hopped up on pain medication that morning just in time for breakfast.

As usual, Ted was just an accessory for driving the car, while Billy was scolded mercilessly while he was still twelve rainbows deep in his drug-induced fairyland, the folks yammering on about how he’d miss half the high school Varsity season this year.

Then Grandma Esther, no longer content to chide the unresponsive Bill, declared that she would walk out to the roadside to collect the mail and survey the damage.

 

When she came back to the house, she was crying tears of joy.

Ted sat there and grinned like an idiot.

It took Grandma nearly a half hour between bouts of tortured laughter to explain to the rest of the family that the cemented mailbox that was responsible for Bill’s accident was ours.

When the entire Machiavellian plot unraveled, not only did Ted not get the blame for putting a significant dent in his little brother’s high school baseball career, but he was lauded as a genius for coming up with a bat-proof mailbox.

So very typical Copperton.

[lilydaylocke]

I very much enjoyed your stories. They got me through many a slow work day. I am glad my googles brought me here. ^_^

 

Good luck with your career move!

 

<3

[Senkyoka]

Doozzer

 

Thank you for the weeks of entertainment you provided. I've been reading and enjoying this for at least two months. You've introduced me to Judas Priest properly, helped me see the good in depressing war movies, rekindled a little (okay, a good amount of) love for my birth decade, and had me in stitches countless times. Although I wasn't crazy about the sexual situations that seemed to become more common later on, I found the reactions and overall banter priceless and realistic.

 

I wish you the best in your future job, and hope you'll come back occasionally for more laughs. The Wrath found a place in my heart, despite her annoyance of sap, and it is hard to admit I must say good bye to this. Oh, and you probably should get that book published. Look up the company that published Twilight; if you can't get in there maybe you should sue them for false advertising that they'll take anyone.

 

P.S. Was I the only one that, after Jaesa's "ability" was first discovered, also wished to partake in death by Snu Snu?

[Doozzer]

twilight is so passe.

 

the new garbage lit is 50 shades. I read that over some woman's shoulder on her kindle on the plane to Ohio and it made me angry. When I found out the protagonist's name was "anastasia steele" I tried to depressurize the cabin by banging my head against the window glass. fortunately, I knocked myself unconscious in the process and at least didn't read it anymore, but I would have much preferred for the 50 shades kindle to be sucked out into the void 10 thousand feet above a corn field. Every time Anastasia referred to her libido as her 'inner goddess' I wanted to swallow drywall nails.

 

the worst part was, it wasn't even really that kinky.

 

find out about the job next week.

[Taalbert]

twilight is so passe.

 

Every time Anastasia referred to her libido as her 'inner goddess' I wanted to swallow drywall nails.

 

 

Are you for real? Blurrrrgh! Swallowing drywall nails sounds like a good option here, or banging my head against a wall for a few hours.

 

Good luck with the job - although I didn't comment much in this thread I read every single post - brilliant stuff that always gave me a laugh, especially the Havoc series (she reminds me of my trooper, which is a little bit scary!).

 

Thanks for all the entertainment!

[DarthRamette]

OH LOOK WHO SHOWS UP AFTER LIKE 15 PAGES

You're in the dog house, Ramette.

 

Yes I know bad me,*smacks self on wrist* Like you real life intruded on my ability to keep up for a while. You are awesome and I bow down to the alter of Doozzer in homage.

[Acherom]

twilight is so passe.

 

the new garbage lit is 50 shades. I read that over some woman's shoulder on her kindle on the plane to Ohio and it made me angry. When I found out the protagonist's name was "anastasia steele" I tried to depressurize the cabin by banging my head against the window glass. fortunately, I knocked myself unconscious in the process and at least didn't read it anymore, but I would have much preferred for the 50 shades kindle to be sucked out into the void 10 thousand feet above a corn field. Every time Anastasia referred to her libido as her 'inner goddess' I wanted to swallow drywall nails.

 

the worst part was, it wasn't even really that kinky.

 

find out about the job next week.

 

Alternate-Universe Cipher here; just found this little gem of a thread yesterday and promptly read it all.

 

I share in the opinion of one earlier commentator: at first the style was a bit jarring, but quickly grew on me. The characters and their quirky antics were most enjoyable to read about; and quite an interesting perspective change from the my-reality Wrath that I spot for on occasion. She has absolutely no connection with Quinn; and instead on any opportunity that arises, tries to end his life. Perhaps the lack of having any man is what drives her highly violent tendencies?

 

Either way; I applaud your writing sir, your advice early in has sparked a tiny flame for story creation that I thought had long since died out. Best of luck to you on your interview an-- wait; Ohio? Dear lord that is dangerously close to my own location... I'd best keep my head down, there is Wrath afoot.

Edited May 25, 2012 by Acherom