When I Wake

[iamthehoyden]

Looking into his eyes as he leant down to kiss me is the last thing I remember seeing before what I see now. I quickly gather that I had blacked out like I used to. Because Torian is on the ground under with my foot to his neck.

Dang it!! So close!!! Girl still has booby-traps in her head.

[EverSteam]

A few minutes later...

 

 

I force Torian to get a few hours sleep while I keep watch. He's useless to me anymore exhausted no matter how much determination he has. So I sit alone, far away from Torian and at the edge of our camp as Skadge sleeps on. I need to think. Not sure what before was. Seems a little surreal. Replay it again and again and there's nothing from the time Torian was bending down to then.

 

But that's not what I want to think about. Guess I've come to think of those reactions as normal. It was whatever was going to happen and what happened after that I want to think about. At the time, I thought he was going to kiss me. But now I'm not sure. What came after seems like a holoclip of two other people. I can't believe one was me. But my ear feels hot and burning where Torian kissed it. And I can't ignore the evidence that replays over and over again.

 

I stare at the thousands of points of lights in the sky and feel far from calm. My body is tense and sore. Walked hard and fast to get as far as Skadge and I did in such a short time. Yet Torian still managed to make it here quicker. Something weird about the kid. He's too quick to learn and... his determination isn't normal. Why are you worrying about the kid when you have your own problems? Can't help him if you don't help yourself first.

 

I shake my head and roll my shoulders. I think about taking off my armour and looking at my shoulders. Ripped the skin off one in my sleep. Woke up and it was oozing the orange liquid I like to call blood. New skin that had formed over the plates just hung off my shoulders like white, slimy plastic covering hanging off a freshly opened ice cream. Took a while to cut the new skin from the old and took a lot longer to clean the fluids and flesh from the gun and other cybernetics. I just went through it carefully and methodically, refusing to think of anything but the task at hand. Pain came and went. Think it was more disturbing when it didn't hurt.

 

Burnt the sheets that were on my bed and put new ones before anyone could notice. Put a message over the com link that I decided to give everyone a morning off. Blizz and Mako were too happy to ask questions. When I came down later, Gault gave me brief concerned glance before hitting on me, asking if I needed him to play doctor and make me feel better. I just sneered and made no comment. Gault comments on my lack of hitting him. He claims it's a yes and slinks closer. I kneed him in the gut when he got too close. He laughed and staggered away.

 

He's been flirting with me more again these days or just standing close. Only seems to happen when Torian's around which is most of the time. Don't know what's going on with those two, only know it had better stop soon before I shoot them both. Is interesting to see Torian so silently angry. Don't let either of them know that though.

 

Torian watched the interaction. He scowled at Gault's back and I noticed his hand on his blaster rifle. Shook my head and gave him a smile. Cooked him an omelette since that's all I can do and made sure he didn't think anything was wrong. Noticed his bed was unslept in. I don't comment. And he doesn't comment on the late start.

 

When I begin to hear Skadge stir, I move to sit between Torian and him. Torian is close to my back and I resist the urge to straighten his hair as he sleeps. He looks tired. But I can't deny that he's getting stronger. Suppose it might be worth it if what he gains keeps him alive. Only hope what he's losing doesn't get him killed before the other option can happen.

 

When Skadge wakes, it takes him an hour to realise the sleeping Mandalorian behind me. Only notices because I remain sitting in front of my bed roll as he finishes packing his gear. Think I know a few harsher words than Torian's to describe this creep. Torian wakes immediately as Skadges eyes fall on him. He is standing, techstaff in hand, before any words are said and even I stand up. Got to admit he's quick. Organisation would have loved to get their hands on natural talent like his.

 

Despite the bad start, it wasn't that hard to convince Skadge to let Torian join us for the Dread Masters. As long as Torian left after. My gun in Skadge's face helped. I can be very persuasive.

 

The march to the tomb only takes an hour. We are silent as I lead the way and Torian takes up the rear. Didn't need to give him orders for him to know the plan. Hard trek through the snow. Throw small thermal blankets back to Torian, who is quick to silently push them into the gaps between his armour and clothes.

 

The tomb is a large dark cavern in the wall of a mountain like all the others. We walk through the tunnels loudly and with no sign of subtlety, cutting down everything in our way. Knew there was no point trying to sneak with a large Houk. And really, I wouldn't want to have it any other way. Few hours sleep did more for Torian than I thought it would. But I'm happy to see my score still above Torian's without trying much harder.

 

When we reach the central chamber, the six Dread Masters are in some form of force field with Esh-kha guarding each one. They were an easy fight. After I kill them all except their leader who continues to spout something about a blight upon the planet, I free the Dread Masters. They kill the Esh-kha leader immediately.

 

Their masks are humorous. But I know better than to laugh. I can feel their power and it's the strongest I have ever felt. But I do not tremble. It's reassuring to know it comes from all of them combined and not a single one alone. They are arrogant for beings just imprisoned. It grates on my nerves.

 

'You were just contained. You wouldn't be free, if not for me.' Suicidal.

 

'Fear.'

 

They make me grovel. Torian and Skadge as well. I despise it. I kneel before no one. I am free. They have no power over me. I will never be at the mercy of another again. I feel their fierce pleasure. They like it when you squirm. They like to crush you.

 

'That the best you got? I'm barely breaking a sweat.' I struggle against it. Shakily, I half stand. I may not have the force, but I have an iron will. Somehow, I feel Torian standing beside me only a little straighter while Skadge is pushed further into the dirt. And that is a terrifying thing.

 

They give mercy. I refuse to stagger. I am better than that. So I stand as straight and proud as I can.

 

The Republic arrives. Seems everyone wants to join the party. It's Fatty from the holo and a hand full of soldiers. The Dread Masters make short work of them. In a very dramatic way. I want to leave now while I can still stand on legs that aren't shaking. I call and inform my employer of their freedom. Then I say goodbye and hope I never meet them again.

 

They are the Empire's and galaxies problem now.

 

 

-----

 

 

Around two hours later...

 

Torian leaves.

 

We put distance between us and the tomb before stopping in a long skinny cave. I order Skadge to leave us alone for a moment. He is reluctant to obey but I pull my gun on him. He grumbles and walks away after glancing at Torian's ready hands.

 

I turn to Torian but he isn't looking at me, his eyes fixated on the place Skadge had disappeared to. I move into his line of sight and wait for his eyes to focus on mine before I start.

 

'I'll be back in three or four days tops. A day to get to Zale's location and if there's not transporters nearby, it will be two days march to the last one.' He nods but stays silent so I carry on. 'Take care of everyone for me. To clarify: check Blizz is fed and doesn't take the ship apart and then put it back together; make sure Gault doesn't spend all our money and have thugs searching for us; ensure Mako doesn't cause SIS to knock on our front door. I won't have comm range there so I'm trusting you to keep things running. Need you to do that for me.' He flinches as if I slapped him but it makes his eyes more focused on mine and he opens his mouth for a moment before nodding. 'Get back safe ok, kid?'

 

I punch his shoulder. He holds back a cringe and keeps his displeased frown. I know it's not only because I called him 'kid'. Sometimes, his eyes will look so lonely. And I wonder if it's only when he's thinking of me.

 

'Ni baatir ner tracyn,' his voice is stern, as always. I worry, my fire. His eyes show a fierce concern again and he closes much of the distance between us. The wind howls through the slim cave we stopped in, blowing Torian's hair to the side. I like it like that.

 

'Udesii.' Take it easy. 'I will return safe, alive and whole. Well,' I force a smile, 'as whole as I can be.' He is unconvinced and his eyes flicker to my shoulder before he looks away a little. I don't like the way he noticed the problem with my shoulder. Thought I did a good job to cover it. Wonder how long he had noticed and why he hadn't said anything. 'Ori'haat, ner cadur.' It's the truth, no bull ****, my protector.

 

I move closer. He still doesn't look at me. I remove all the distance that remained and wish we weren't in armour. I think about taking his hand. But I don't. As I look at his intense expression, I lift my hand and feel his cheek burning under my palm. Know it's only because I'm so cold. I notice for the first time that he is entirely clean shaven. I smile a little as I remember the careless comment I made to Gault when walking through the town about a man's beard. Was a large difference between his and Torian's. Didn't mind Torian's but I like him better like this.

 

I move my thumb over the smooth trident scar on his cheek. He still doesn't look at me but the ardent shine in his blue eyes increases. I forcefully turn his face to mine.

 

But when I kiss him, I do it lightly. His lips feel like they are gently burning mine. They're softer than I thought they would be. For a second, he is shocked and doesn't move and I take the opportunity to slip my tongue into his mouth. When he kisses me back, it's with none of the gentleness I expected and he wraps his arms around me with resolute force. I only feel months of hidden need and desire.

 

It's a little hard to control my conditioned response once he responds. But so very, very worth it. I slowly break away, stepping back. I laugh a little. 'Ret'lini. Now you know I will come back no matter what to finish what we started. Wait for me?'

 

'Par darasuum.' For forever. He leaves hesitantly., quickly kissing my cheek. 'Stay safe and careful, Champion. See you in four days.' He glares at Skadge as he walks out the cave, disappearing into the blinding white snow. It reminds me of Taris. I wish all I had with me were dead men. They would be better company than the Houk. And I feel, like I did then, a part of me slipping away and the happiness I just gained leaves with him.

 

'Come on, ugly. It's a day's march and I want to be over half way by nightfall.' I hope there's a transporter nearby. Already waited weeks for this, and I don't think I can wait four more days.

 

 

-----

 

 

Alternate kiss scene.

 

 

'Ni baatir ner tracyn,' his voice is stern, as always. I worry, my fire. His eyes show a fierce concern again and he closes much of the distance between us. The wind howls through the slim cave we stopped in, blowing Torian's hair to the side. I like it like that.

 

I don't reply because I don't know what to say. I'm not good at this, whatever this is. And I can't think straight with him standing so close. When the tense silence lengthens and I still don't reply he closes the rest of the space between us. He moves a hand to my neck and I feel like it is burning a permanent mark onto my skin. I don't move away and I still can't speak.

 

He leans down and hovers above my lips as if waiting for something to happen. I feel his breathe in my mouth and am paralysed by his blue eyes. They are livid from a deep concern and determination but still have his continuing gentleness. He continues to look into mine his lips cautiously brush mine. They are soft and kiss them back harder. He smiles a little, his hand at my neck and his arm around my waist.

 

And he returns my fervour with his own, slipping his tongue between my lips. I only feel months of hidden need and desire as he tries to hold me closer and closer. It's a little hard to control my conditioned response when he presses me against the cave wall. But so very, very worth it.

 

We stay like that until a loud thud interrupts. I look towards the sound and see a large angry Houk at the entrance, fist three inches deep in the cave's wall. He begins to shout something and I gather the gist is that he hates this delay we are causing in tracking down Zale and his solution is to bring down the cave on us and travel on alone or for us to stop. Torian and I both pull our guns and continue to kiss. We shoot at the same time and from the lack of screaming and only a low croak, I gather we missed.

 

But even though Skadge leaves, we break apart. Torian grins and I can't help but return it. Never thought this would happen.

 

I walk to the cave entrance where we all left our supplies. I put my gloves back on and throw Torian his helmet over my shoulder. As he leans against the opposite cave wall behind me. I put my pack back on and walk the small distance to Torian.

 

I grin up at him. 'Now you know I will come back no matter what to finish what we started. Wait for me?'

 

'Par darasuum.' For forever. He picks up the small bag I gave him with a few supplies. He stands hesitantly for a second with helmet and bags in hand before kissing my cheek. 'Later, Cyare.'

 

He walks out the cave and glares at Skadge before disappearing into the blinding white snow. It reminds me of Taris. I wish all I had with me were dead men. They would be better company than the Houk. And I feel, like I did then, a part of me slipping away.

 

I shift my packs and pick up my gun. 'Come on, ugly. It's a day's march and I want to be over half way by nightfall.' I hope there's a transporter nearby. Already waited weeks for this, and I don't think I can wait four more days.

 

 

 

 

Yeah... I just wanted to write an alternate one whee Torian takes the initiative. >.<

 

 

 

----

 

 

 

Please comment and tell me how good that was.

Spent much time chopping and changing things to try and get it right since it had been a little built up to for the past 20 posts. Didn't want it too graphic but not my usual briskness. Wasn't sure about them.

[Adwynyth]

I loved them both. I like the first kiss scene best, but I adore the part in the second where both draw their blasters and shoot at Skadge.

[iamthehoyden]

Woot!!!! Finally!!!

I do love a man with initiative, but the first one makes more sense as far as her character goes. Excellent both ways though hehe.

 

(I could rant for days about how much I hate that Houk. Seriously.)

[EverSteam]

I loved them both. I like the first kiss scene best, but I adore the part in the second where both draw their blasters and shoot at Skadge.

 

Thanks

And I liked that part too

 

Woot!!!! Finally!!!

I do love a man with initiative, but the first one makes more sense as far as her character goes. Excellent both ways though hehe.

 

I know. First was serious and the real thing... second was just me mucking around since the first time Torian got initiative it didn't turn out well. I just wanted to post the second anyway >.<

 

(I could rant for days about how much I hate that Houk. Seriously.)

 

Yeah, I'm not digging him either. Thought maybe my BH might start to like him but that would conflict with her I-have-judged-you-hate-you-and-will-never-forgive-you-and-now-you-must-die personality. So she will continue to hate him

[EverSteam]

Three and a half days later...

 

 

We walk into a fire fight.

 

The Empire is on the side of us and my target and Republic soldiers are in between. I motion to Skadge to duck down and shut the **** up. I want to watch how this plays out. I'd like for both sides to kill each other. I glance at the Empire's side and see the Sith that commands them take a blaster canon to the gut. I'm amazed he was able to be hit. He is weak. Surprised he could make it this far. Would of thought he wouldn't have lived through Academy trials.

 

It becomes clear the Empire is losing so I decide it's time for us to step in. I don't want to save them, I just don't want the Republic to win. I motion for Skadge to take two soldiers on the left while I go on the right. Somehow, he does manage to be rather stealthy. We take out four soldiers

 

Zale hears the thud of his soldiers hit the floor and turns to stare at us in disbelief as we straighten and walk up closer. The Empire calls a cease fire and withrdaws.

 

'How you- your good.' Zale recovers from his shock quickly and is already working out ways to win in his mind. He wants a truce so he can stop the Empire. I don't care for the Empire. And I don't care for him.

 

We fight, of course. I don't make deals with my targets. I have conveniently forgotten about Lokai. Once Zale's soldiers are dead and he is kneeling at our feet, the Sith Lord approaches us. 'Who are you and how did you come about to rescue my troops?'

 

I hate Sith. At least the Republic let me kill as many of them as I wanted. And this one is being a nuisance. I glance up at him as I handcuff Zale. 'No. You tell me who the **** you are and how you came to be in my face.' I straighten and move to stand intimidating close to him. 'Before I shoot you.'

 

He is arrogant. Trying to make himself sound important. I care nothing for his mission. Something to do with trying to free the Dread Masters. He is surprised and annoyed I've already taken care of his mission. He's wasting my time. So I shoot him. Skadge is quick to dispatch of the Imperial soldiers. I wasn't in the mood for talking.

 

We turn our attention back to Zale who kneels at our feet. He kind of begs. I let Skadge have him. I don't really care. As long as I get what's left. I just want to get back to the ship. It's already been three days. I'm impatient.

 

Skadge and I didn't talk on the way here. Skadge learnt not to speak to me after I knocked him out for commenting that I was 'moping 'cause the blonde runt wasn't around.' Suppose it's true but that didn't mean it was any less annoying. When I think of Torian, things start to move faster. And when I think of how far away he is, some undefinable part of my torso hurts. I don't quite understand it. Only know that when I think of his kiss, I can't help but smile and start running.

 

Couldn't take speeders through here because the sudden change in temperatures caused them to stall and break. So it was a long walk. And I picked up a few jobs on the way. All the while, I just kept thinking of Torian. Was able to use a holoterminal at an outpost to contact him the next day. Conversation was short and full of static. But it served its purpose. I know he got back safe. And that was enough to stop me turning around.

 

'Hurry up, Skadge.' He finishes the guy off. I take the body over my shoulder. Doesn't really look like the middle aged, dark haired man anymore. It's a messy and amateur job. Don't think he'd been alive for most of it. And what he was still breathing for, I think he spent being unconscious.

 

Skadge talks to me on the way out. Hope he doesn't make a habit of it. Skadge wants to join up. Apparently I'm 'pretty good for a runt' and I 'have style.' I already know I have style. I am amazing. Didn't need an uncivilised amphibian to tell me that. And I would shoot him for the first part if it weren't for the body over my back. Suppose I am arrogant like the Sith. Only mine is more founded.

 

We walk the short distance to the teleporter we found. Make a week's journey back only take an instant. Leave the body with a competent looking Imperial soldier with orders to deliver it to my ship. Think about giving him a message for Torian. But I know his body is message enough; 'I'll be back soon. Job is done.' But I pull out a small piece of paper from my pocket and write an X on it, taping it to Zale's head. I watch the Imp leave and smile.

 

We get the contraband. It's kind of worth something. Some good guns and plenty of credits. But time he took from me with Torian is priceless. And I will still kill him once the Jedi is dead and the Chancellor is kneeling at my feet. Once I know he really does have no use.

 

This doesn't change anything.

[EverSteam]

Around a day later...

 

 

When I return to the ship five days after Torian left, I know something is off. And it isn't the general mess of the ship. I scowl when I see the droid was shut down. Explains the dirt. Ashamed the first thing I notice is the dirt and not what's missing from the cargo bay. The thing I've waited so impatiently to have again. So much for forever.

 

I stalk to the front of the ship. I ignore Skadge. He just follows. I shout through the ships intercomm. 'Everyone to the front, now.'

 

As expected, there is only Gault, Mako and Blizz.

 

'Welcome back. What's wrong? Who's the friend? The large friend.' Mako gives Skadge a cautious once over. I never brief her on what happens planet side. I just tell her how much pay to expect. So she doesn't know about Skadge. Thought Torian would of mentioned it to her though. He speaks to her more than anyone but Blizz. And since Gault and I don't speak to her at all that's easily done.

 

I ignore Mako's question. 'Where's Torian? He's usually punctual.'

 

Blizz makes a suggestion. I don't want ideas. I want facts. Gault is only interested in getting back to his 'day off'. Guess I didn't leave many instructions for him aside from not spending all our money. I will remember to correct this oversight in the future. I still expect to see proof of practice. I did leave orders for that. Though I doubt he'd of listened to Torian. Another oversight I will have to correct.

 

'He said he got a message from an old associate and went to meet them at the cantina.' Trust Mako to know. She sounds cautious. Wary of me. But I know something's wrong. The last time I checked, the definition of forever wasn't five days. If he could be, he would be here. Torian would never go back on his word.

 

'Why did no one tell me?! I should have been told.' My voice somehow stays low and menacing when inside I'm screaming.

 

'It didn't sound important. We need your say so to have a life now?' I glare at Mako and she tries not to shrink back. I feel like I'm dealing with a rebellious teenager.

 

'It's my responsibility to look after the crew. I can't do that when I don't know where you are. Torian especially. I don't appreciate my-' my what? 'him sneaking of without telling me.' I punch the wall. Then I breathe deep. Another dent. I need to focus. My body is aching. I need serum. Soon. Gone a week without a full dose. Partial doses only lasted four days.

 

'Torian wouldn't cheat on you.' Her voice is hard like it was a proven fact. But there is something sad in it too. And her body language. 'And I'm sorry. I was out of line.' Another woman hadn't occurred to me. Strange it occurred to her. I brush it all aside. Guess we all got different fears. And women don't threaten his life. Well... I suppose I would kill him after the woman so really... I shake my head.

 

'It's ok, Mako. I'll check in.' I call him. While I wait, I ask Mako about the associate and how much Torian told her.

 

'Not much really. You know Torian. You think it wasn't a friendly meeting?'

 

Yes, I do know Torian. That's why I'm worried. He wouldn't play his cards this close with me without reason and I know he would at least leave a note or he would wait for me to return. This isn't the home coming I wanted. Frustrating! Punch. Mando! Kick. Punk! Kick.

 

I think I know what has happened and I think I know why he did it. Can't deny what was in that kiss. Just thought he would have been smart enough to do something other than going running.

 

There's no answer on the comm. I hang up after the sixtieth beep. 'He won't or can't answer; I don't like either.' I crush the comm slightly in my hand and scowl at the grooves my fingers leave. I try calling again but I broke it. I throw it down the hall and curse under my breath.

 

'I can dig up the message, if you think it's worth it.' Mako still sounds doubtful, like I am imagining everything and there is nothing to worry about.

 

'What!? You didn't actually speak to him?' I shout at her. As my knuckles smash into the wall again, sparks fly from it and the panel falls. A small electric charge goes through my arm and my vision flickers for a moment. Torian has been taken. And I know it's all for me. Just wish the kid was smarter. And the Republic wasn't so low.

 

'No. Should we head to the cantina?'

 

I was about to give the affirmative when Skadge cuts in. 'You people are borin' me. Who cares about the blonde runt?'

 

I had forgotten him. And I think that was best for his own safety. Too bad for him he didn't let himself stay that way. In one stride I am in front of Skadge and glaring into his eyes. 'I do, Skadge.' I hit him with a quick succession of jabs to the Houk's weak spots. He slides to the floor unconscious. Felt good to hit something with some flesh on it. I leer down at his body and turn back to everyone. 'That's our new crew member.'

 

Mako runs a scan on the holonet of his name. I can tell. It makes me smile. Smart girl. Just when you think she's irritating and worthless, she'll surprise you with a burst of intelligence. Rarely, though. Gault remains silent. I can tell he's assessing Skadge. His eyes linger on the Black Sun symbol on Skadge's chest. Not much escapes Gault notice. I like that about him. And his silence hasn't escaped my notice. But the insignia just brings back memories of the night Torian and I slaughtered Black Sun members. Was a fun night.

 

Mako wearily eyes the body. 'So what's our next move?'

 

'Wait for a call and then get Torian. Then kick up our heels after finding somewhere for Big And Ugly to sleep that isn't this doorway.'

 

A call comes through. Right on time.

 

I answer and glare at the man who flickers to blue and grainy holo life.

 

'You've been a busy girl,' he starts. 'Too busy. You should spend some time with your loved ones before they're gone.' He pauses. I hate dramatic pauses. There's a scar on his face. Before this is over, that man will have a lot more.

 

'I'm extending you an invitation. An opportunity to appreciate what you have before it's gone. But if your boyfriend isn't marriage material, we understand.' Boyfriend? That what this is?

 

He gives a planet. Hoth. He shuts off. I will be there. And he will die there.

 

I shout orders for prepping the ship for takeoff. I want to leave within the hour.

 

I am quick to disappear and lock myself in my room. I take the flower down from above my bed and look at it in the dark. My red eye makes it shine crimson. Like wet, bright blood. The tiny veins are thin black shadows. It's beautiful and dark. It reminds me of Drumond Kaas. First time we met. Still wish I'd killed Jogo. And of course it reminds me of Taris. It is not worthless.

 

I gently put it back in its place and walk to my desk, taking out the crumpled note. I stare at the words but I don't see them. I think of our nights together. His smile. His serious face. Our competitions. Our last goodbye. His wet and soft lips and the way they burnt mine and branded a place on my soul. His hands pressing against my back. The feel of his strong arms around me.

 

This isn't how it ends. I wanted more time than this. I wasn't ready. He's not the one that is supposed to leave. I will not let him die. He's the only person I've ever truly believed in. The answer that I could never be found. I would rather be caged and tortured all over again then have Torian harmed. I have found what is important. I will not let it go. I would rather give up my freedom. My life.

 

I go to my wardrobe and pull out some armour. Haven't worn it over a year but I've kept it clean. I finger it's missing shoulder. Was made by one of my tutors. Has only one shoulder so I can use my small turret in battle. Material is hard like metal, but is flexible and light.

 

I smile down at it like it's a long lost friend and gently stroke it. 'Ready to keep the good times rolling?' I whisper to it. I will make them suffer. And then I will make them talk. I will find who was behind this back handed attack against me. And they will be torn piece from piece. Whether Torian lives or dies.

 

I change into the torso amour and strap on my memento. I glance in the mirror and tie my lengthening hair back. I look down at my exposed wrists and smile. I move my finger across it. Long time since I used them. I smile wider and choke on air as a blade slowly comes out of my wrist, it's point a little further than the tips of my fingers. I hurts like it always did. But I feel thrilled in a way I haven't in a long time.

 

'Just like old times, huh?' I reach my other hand up to stroke my turret. 'My friends, I've missed you all. Ready to go killing again?'

 

I walk to the cockpit. I set course for Hoth. My vision goes thermal. Targeting systems on.

 

Torian, I'm coming. Wait for me. Please.

[iamthehoyden]

I didn't say anything, because it sounds like you're writing this as you're going through the story, but I was SO LOOKING FORWARD to this!! Yep, death and destruction incoming in...one...two...

[MilaniGrey]

Weeeeee killing everything!

[EverSteam]

Death and destruction incoming in...one...two...

 

Now.

 

Hoth

 

 

It takes less than a day to get to Hoth thanks to Blizz's upgrades.

 

I don't take anyone with me to the surface. I don't want diplomacy, healing or brute strength. And I don't need them. Killing is something I was always able to do on my own. But it was more fun with Torian.

 

I take three hits of serum before leaving and part of me is aware that it's three less days of life. But I feel too strong and righteous to care. I could get used to this power. I used to be used to this power. I am working at maximum capacity and it feels good to let this part of me back in. To stop denying myself the thrill that comes before a good hunt. To block out these things that are a part of me. And as I look down at my wrist, the blade catching the ships lights, I can't remember why I did. Because I like this and I like them. I've been trying to be someone else for far too long.

 

I smirk when I see Mako's terrified face in the reflection of my blade. She wants to talk about something, probably some crap on mercy. I don't know it's meaning. Not even Torian can change that. They have marked themselves for death. I'm just the one delivering it.

 

'Just remember, they aren't always worth killing.' I look at her blankly. What she says doesn't register. Because the things is, they aren't worth the air they breathe or the food they eat or the water they drink. They are nothing. And so they should die. Her logic is beyond me. And worth has nothing to do with getting Torian back. I would kill everyone in the galaxy without a second thought if it meant having him safe.

 

I think about killing Mako now for suggesting such a stupid thought but I know I might regret it. I don't want Blizz to hate me. So I ignore it and give orders for all of them to stay on the ship. 'If any of you follow me or leave this ship, I will kill you.' I smirk at Gault as I walk past. 'Have fun.'

 

When I arrive on the surface, Imperials try to recruit me for some bounties. When they don't take no for an answer, I shoot them. Only took six dead bodies for people to stop talking to me. I take two speeders without a challenge. Need the second one for the return journey with Torian. I don't believe the worst will come to pass. They wouldn't do that. It would ensure I never cooperate with them.

 

The coordinates are for a large ice cavern. Inside, there are remnants of an old base or factory. Balconies to the side where I can hear the heart beats and movements of ambushers. On the vast open ground is a man standing next to a large pole. The man from the holo call. Think I'll call him 'Scar Face'. Don't care what his real name is. Light shines down from a far up hole onto the man and onto the one I am looking for.

 

Torian.

 

Resist the impulse to run to him. I merely continue to walk, steadily and evenly to where they stand. Twenty metres out, I zoom in on Torian. And what I see makes me more than a little furious. His hair is caked to his forehead with blood and there's bruises on both his eyes. I think his nose is broken and his tanned face is pale under the blood. I switch my vision to thermal and see his body temperature is far below normal. Doesn't get warm within the next hour or two he will die. Refuse to let my Mandalorian die from hypothermia. Not the honourable death he would deserve. As the blades slide out of my wrists, I bend my hand back and clench my fists. Unforgivable.

 

Scar Face pulls a gun on Torian when I get in fifteen metres of them. 'Hold it right there Bounty Hunter.' I finish my stride and stop walking. 'Thought we were going to have to start without you.'

 

'Looks like you already did.' My turret rises from my shoulder and I feel excited to make this man bleed. He is ugly with a disgusting burn taking over half his face. Around mid-thirties. Doesn't look too strong. His hair is dark and a little long. Average height. Doesn't seem to have much going for him. The world isn't going to be missing him much when I put a bullet through his brains.

 

Torian raises his head when he hears my voice. 'Cyare,' I hear the quiet croak loud in my ears.

 

'And by the time I'm through with you, you're going to wish you hadn't.' I walk closer but don't draw my gun. I won't need it for this. My targeting is already on Scar Face. His heart is beating fast. He doesn't fool me. It pounds with fear. I will rip it from his chest.

 

Torian struggles against his bounds as he slowly becomes more and more conscious. The chair he's tied to doesn't even wobble or move. 'Ambush,' he tries to call as loud as possible.

 

The ambushers come out from there hiding places and become ready to shoot me. Scar Face only laughs and hits the back of Torian's head. 'Not telling her anything she doesn't already know.'

 

He turns his ugly smile on me and I think of the many ways I will make him suffer. It's not a matter of which to do, only a matter of which to do first and which to do last. Must always plan these things. Though sometimes, it is good to just follow instinct.

 

'You know, Champion, you've got talent.' Scar Face tries to sound conversational, like we were playing a game and I'm losing after having the opportunity to win. 'The overseers would have noticed you eventually.' I laugh. 'Could have helped you make a real mark on the galaxy. Now you'll have to settle for the gaudy title and the price on your head.'

 

I continue to laugh. Long and low. It's not hysterical. It's completely sane. And that is why it is so terrifying. I am sane. And thinking clearly.

 

Scar Face doesn't know anything. What a fool. I've made thousands of marks and am yet to make the greatest. The Republic will fear the very idea of me in a thousand years from now, when I am a ghost without a remembered name; a legend who brought them single-handedly to their knees. They were my maker - my God. I was their creation and their weapon. And I turned on them and destroyed them. I will be their doom.

 

When my laughter dies and after I leave the silence to become tense and full of fear, I ask one of the two questions I need answered. Information is the only reason he isn't already dead. 'Who are you working for?'

 

'We share a name you won't recognise. GenoHaraden. We solve the Republics problems, remove trouble makers, keep things running smoothly.'

 

I remember them. Everyone would joke about them. They were the public figures. Well, more public than us. They let everyone know about GenoHarden, let them think they were the ones running the show - the only secret ops of the Republic. But there were other groups higher than them. I was in highest. It's not really called the Organisation. I just had to put a name to such an entity and it was the only word that seemed to loosely fit.

 

I spit at his feet. He knows ****. They haven't told him anything. The Republic is toying with me. Trying things. Seeing what they can do. They don't have many big guns. There were only a few above me. A very, very small few. Wonder how long it will be until they come out to play. Only hope I can find It before then. Or I might not have a chance. But you have Torian now.

 

'You don't know who or what I am do you?' I'm curious and amused. Never spoken with someone from GenoHarden before. Interesting to see what ideas they breed into them.

 

'Mandalorian scum.' He spits on the ground as he says the words with false finality. Never thought becoming Mandalorian would be a new defining feature of what I am. Seems like an idea Torian would like though.

 

Torian continues to shift in his bounds every now and again. It's pointless to try and get free. They didn't teach the GenoHarden much, but one of the things they did, was how to tie a decent knot.

 

Scar Face continues to speak and attempts to not be put off by my amusement. I know he can sense that he's a tauntaun being stalked and toyed with by a Wampa. 'Bounty hunting isn't a game, whatever the Mandalorians may think. It's serious business, with serious consequences.' I continue to laugh as he makes it sound it sound like an ethical lesson for a misguided child. I like how my laughter makes all their hearts beat faster in dread and incredulity. 'Consequences your about to become intimately familiar with,' he calls as he pulls his gun on my. A final attempt to play the tough act, the one in charge. The winner. He knows he has lost already.

 

The fight was easy; a laugh. And for me it literally was.

 

I jet pack to the ambushers on the right, slicing the throat of the first one open as I land and shoot another in the leg. From there, it was merely a matter of dancing around bullets as I slash and shoot them all one by one, throwing there bleeding and almost dead bodies onto a pile in the middle, using my grappling hook to swing from group to another.

 

When everyone else is dying and the final wheezing body thrown on the pile, I turn to the leader and enjoy seeing him piss his pants as he shoots at me with a shaky hand. I walk slowly up to him and leer at him. He tries to run but I pull him back. I hold his hand above his head in an iron grip and slash the back of his thighs with my other hand. He chokes in pain and shakes his head. I throw him to the ground and sneer down at him as he tries to stand and walk away. He isn't going anywhere, I'm not done with him.

 

I look back at the pile and leer at the almost dead ambushers. I glance at Scar Face who stares at me with wide terrified eyes. 'Are you watching?' He just stares back and I step closer. 'I said, are you watching?' He nods and I smile kindly down at him. 'Good.'

 

I set the bodies on fire.

 

And only then do I run to Torian. I quickly cut his binds. Kneeling down in front of him, I reach out a hand and touch his cheek. It doesn't burn my hand and I feel angry and scared all over again. But his eyes look into mine and past the tiredness is warmth and happiness. He smiles a little and tries not cringe. I return the smile and kiss him lightly on the lips.

 

I help him walk and take him to the fire. The smell of burning flesh is pungent and overwhelming and brings back many memories. I lie Torian on the ground near it and pull out a stimulant and one of the needles they give you upon entering to protect you from the cold. I take off his armour and see more bruises. I inject them both straight into his heart.

 

Torian raises a weak hand to try and touch my face. I grab it before it falls back down and hold it to my cheek, wishing it was burning me like it always had. He moves his thumb to try and wipe away some blood and he smiles a little more. I try to return it. But looking at what they did to him just make me want to slaughter them all over again.

 

'That's my girl.'

 

He passes out and I wrap him thermal blankets I bought. And I can't help but feel elated. I am his. Don't think I've ever been happy to be someone else's before. I already claimed Torian as mine.

 

I start to treat Torian's injuries. I clean the blood from his hair and face and see the damage isn't as bad as it had looked. His nose is bruised but not broken. It's the welt across right half of his forehead that is a concern. But in the hours I spend treating his wounds, it halves in size and most other wounds are healed.

 

Once I am done, I turn my attention back to Scar Face. I walk to where he is sprawled, unconscious, and begin to treat his wounds. The clean cuts begin to mend back together and I tie his hands and feet. He regains consciousness but doesn't talk. I hurriedly set traps near the entrance in case people come looking for the group. I make it quick so I can return to Torian.

 

Night falls and I call Gault. Tell him I have Torian but won't travel till morning. He doesn't insult Torian or express annoyance at the delay. Sometimes, Gault really does surprise me.

 

I stay by Torian's side and keep his head on my lap. His body temperature returns to normal and I relax a little. When he wakes up, he tries to sit up but fails. Take a few more hours till he can do that.

 

'I owe you one. Again. My turn to be bait I guess.' He tries to sound casual and his voice is deep and sweet.

 

'Takes the count to nineteen to three I think,' I reply as I idly twist his hair between my fingers. 'You're nineteen.' His lips twitch a little. Despite my confidence, I wasn't sure if Torian would be alive when I came. I have found something irreplaceable to me and I will fight to keep it. 'I always did find you irresistibly attractive.'

 

Torian grins up at me and I look away, embarrassed at saying something so blunt and true. He chuckles and my lips twitch a little. I like the sound of his laughter. It's a rare sound and I am happy he's alive to make it again. Never took Torian for granted. Think this has ensured I never will.

 

When Torian falls back into sleep, I move him onto a blanket roll and stand to inspect the pile of smouldering bodies. Not much is left but armour with nothing but ash inside. I walk over to Scar Face and kick him awake.

 

'I want to have a little midnight chat.' I leer down at him and begin my work.

 

-----

 

In the end, it turned out Scar Face knew very little.

 

I realised that after the first half hour but kept going anyway. He didn't know where the orders came from as usual and didn't have any leads for me. I just wanted to make him suffer like he made Torian suffer. I just wanted to hurt him.

 

An hour before dawn, Torian wakes up.

 

He pulls on his armour and I don't help him to his feet. Proud to see him stand steadily on his own. He has made a fast recovery. I throw him the water from where I stand next to our supplies. He catches it and his eyes remain on what the fire couldn't destroy. When he looks at me, it is with something I can't read.

 

'That all of them?' His voice makes it sound like we were merely nerf herding and he wants to know if all are accounted for.

 

I raise an eyebrow at him and smirk. 'You think I'd ever miss one?' He shakes his head and smiles a little. He walks over to me and then sees Scar Face lying in a pool of blood behind my back.

 

'Thought you said you didn't miss one.' I don't bother to turn my head and look at Scar Face.

 

I shrug my shoulders and look at Torian evenly. 'Think that one was the leader. Was wondering if you wanted to have the pleasure of putting what's left of his life out of its misery.' He nods and walks closer to me.

 

Torian pulls me into a swift and tight embrace. I flinch back at first and he only holds tighter. He doesn't say anything more and I know he doesn't need to. Of course I came for him. I would have come for him no matter what it meant. I just didn't want to be too late.

 

Torian let's go and walks to the twisted remains of a man. Personally don't think Scar Face is much uglier than he was before I started. Torian pulls out his gun and aims for his head. Scar Face only stares with glazed eyes that only seem to feel a longing for the death he is so close to. But Torian seems to hesitate. And I hate that. Not sure I could love someone forgiving and weak.

 

'Not going to let him live, are you?'

 

He shakes his head and looks at me over his shoulder. 'Course not. He went too far. Just admiring your work.' He looks back down at Scar Face. 'Ke nu'jurkadir sha Mando'ade!' Torian shoots him. Bullseye. Just where I taught him to. He never fails a kill. He will never fail me. I will not doubt him again.

 

He puts his gun away and turns to face me. I like the rage that still shines in his eyes and the serious set of his features. 'Finished?'

 

I grin at him and shake my head. We will never be finished. This is only beginning.

[iamthehoyden]

Awesome

[EverSteam]

Awesome

Thanks

 

11 hours later...

 

Torian and I take our time getting back.

 

We hunt. We laugh. It's only been a week since we parted but I missed him. We go further across the barren ice of this planet than we thought. It's almost dark.

 

We stopped on a hill to look around for anything more to kill. I don't know how it turned into Torian kissing me. But I am far from complaining. Makes me more than a little happy to feel his lips burning mine again.

 

'Bet I can beat you back,' I challenge as I break away and look to the horizon where the main base can't even be seen. Not sure why we make these challenges. Only know it's fun.

 

'Bet what?' His mouth twitches and I can't look into his. They're too gentle and despite everything, I find that hard to face. He doesn't look or sound like someone who had hypothermia only twenty four hours ago. The welt on his forehead is still large but it will go in a few days and leave no scar. Until then, I will hate the reminder that I wasn't there to stop harm coming to him.

 

'Anything you want. If I win, you cook for me. You win, it's whatever you want.' I'm confident I will win. He hasn't beaten me yet. And he should be theoretically weaker at the moment. As I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, I see a warm expression in his eyes. Not sure what it is but I feel it make me soften and smile. I look back to the horizon and move onto my speeder.

 

'You're on,' he replies too late. I'm already riding away.

 

We have to stop at an outpost. The snow picks up and the cold almost stops our speeders. Torian beat me in. Just. I call Gault to let him know we are ok. The Imps are quick to follow my demands and we are given an officers quarters.

 

We drink in our room. Somewhere, music is playing. I fill him in on what happened after we separated. He listens and stares. I don't tell him I will kill Skadge. I don't want Torian to before I am ready. And he tells me about what happened. Kind of goes how I assumed. We drift into silence and I don't mind.

 

'Thought about what you have to do. Since I beat you.' I scowl and his lips twitch upward once. I can tell he is teasing despite his sober expression and casual voice. It was an unfair race. He forced me into the path of an ice cat so he could ride ahead. Wasn't a very honourable move. He didn't like me pointing that out to him. I like it when he takes brief respites from being the perfect Mandalorian.

 

'A dance.'

 

I sharply look up from my drink. I'm taken aback. Don't know what I thought he was going to ask but it wasn't that. Never thought Torian would be the kind to dance. Have a strange gap in my knowledge around Mandalorians and dancing. Haven't danced since the party the night I killed the General.

 

I think I must nod because I am suddenly standing and in Torian's arms. 'Don't get used to this, Torian. I won't let you win again. Once off thing only.' I try to retain a distance from this. I don't want to get too close and I don't want him to know again how much I care. And how happy I am to be in his arms. A little too girly for me.

 

'Let me win?' He smirks a little and I like it. He bends down and kisses me firmly. 'Just have to make the most of it then.' He flashes a grin and holds me tighter.

 

We dance slow and close. Large circles, small circles. Backward. Forward. It doesn't fit the rhythm of the music and is not really dancing at all. Waste of my knowledge of dancing but far from a waste of my time.

 

'Been thinking about something Corridan said. Said he'd be seeing real action soon. You think he meant it? Or was that just talk?'

 

His lips are above my ear and all I can see is his bruised neck and shoulder. There's anticipation in his voice and excitement. He didn't get to see the end of the Great Galactic War and would have been a few years too young to go. He should think of himself as lucky he wasn't on the right planet. It wasn't something you want to be a part of. But he is Mandalorian in the end and would to have loved to have seen the glorious battles. I would be a fool to forget it. And I know there was nothing glorious in what those men and women did.

 

'You're jealous. It's just eating you up inside that he might go to war and you won't.' I want him to say he'd rather stay with us. Stay a member of the crew and not leave. I guess it's selfish to want him to stay with me.

 

'A little.'

 

He is silent. I know it's more than a little true. When it begins full scale, he will want to be on the front lines somewhere, bringing honour to his clan. His legacy. 'He's got a legacy to protect.' And though he would survive when others die, I don't want to wait for his return. Because he might choose to never come back. And without him, I am incapable of living.

 

'Torian, we are working our way to killing a Master Jedi and the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. For a Sith lord. The treaty is broken. It is only a matter of time before the whole galaxy realises this. Corridan was right whether he knew it at the time or not. There will be another war.' And I only want to stand back and watch the fire I lit.

 

'Almost hope you're both wrong. This armour isn't up for a decent fight.' I wonder if he means his real armour or his heart. I go for the first. He is so firm that his voice comes from everywhere and everything at once; it wraps us in a cold blanket; a comforting barrier against the rest of the world. And I hate the knowledge that it is only a temporary thing.

 

'There's nothing wrong with it, Torian.' It's good; very good. It would do a decent enough job. People have lived with worse.

 

'It's ok. It might hold up, it might not.' He sounds flippant about it; not scared of death and pain. That he would be able to take it in his stride. Die with his precious Mandalorian honour in a wondrous battle. I would rather he lived with none than die. You would place your selfish desires above his happiness? I'm not sure how to answer myself. And I hope I never have to.

 

'Don't say that. It's not ok.' I make my voice firm and I am more than a little angry. Mandalorians can be so foolish. Life and freedom are more important than they understand. Dying for a worthless cause is shabla.*

 

'Mandalore gave you a piece of besker'gam, didn't he?' I nod into his chest and notice he has pushed my retort aside. 'It is the best. Only our people can work it.'

 

I sneer at the mention of 'our' and I'm happy Torian can't see it. I don't feel a connection to Mandalorians. There tradition or clans. I am not one of them; I am adopted, I know the language and meet many requirements of the Resol'nare but I have no emotional attachment. But I like Torian to think so. I want to be a part of him. I don't mind lying to achieve it.

 

'It's the warrior that is important, not the armour.' He says it a fact. An old lesson or a repeated proverb. There's a note of sarcasm in his voice and I wonder what he's thinking.

 

I draw away from him to look into his eyes. Never search for them often but I want to see what he's thinking. 'You are what is important. So stay with me.' Not like me to speak like this. Too tired to wear my armour and I want to say it, even if it is just once.

 

'Always, Champion. Darasuum.' Forever.

 

I smile. 'You'll see more action with me than an entire army. Promise.' I lean my head back into his chest. I like feeling his body, and not his armour. He is warm, strong and hard. Torian smiles back, above my head where it lives unobserved. I quietly whisper 'and I don't just mean on the battlefield.' I wonder if I can keep that promise. Be more than a little interesting to find out.

 

He holds me tighter. And we dance in silence for many more hours. Turning in imperfect circles.

 

 

 

 

* Screwed up.

 

---

 

Note:

 

Not 100% sure how in character that was for her. Or Torian. Hope it was still enjoyable to you all

 

[Adwynyth]

All I have to say is this:

 

SQUEE!

[Magdalane]

So, so want to read Torian's take on this!

[MilaniGrey]

nom nom nom this story

[EverSteam]

Updated Yours to Hold. Covers Torian's thoughts on Belsavis events and of course his rescue. Goes with post 137.

Will update this in a moment.

 

nom nom nom this story

 

Thanks

 

SQUEE!

 

Thanks I was 'SUQEE-ing' when I wrote it. I'm glad you liked it

Edited November 8, 2012 by EverSteam

[EverSteam]

Two Days Later...

 

We make it back to the ship two days later in the early morning.

 

He likes to hunt. I like him. I like to compete. And win. He likes to try. I didn't really want the days to end. Or the nights. We are fierce with each other. We almost lost each other once. We will fight to keep each other and become one. But it is Hoth and I want to be somewhere warmer.

 

I'm surprised everyone is awake and ready when we return. Even Gault is awake and not yawning. We meet in the cockpit.

 

Mako is the first to speak. 'Glad to see you both made it back ok. She taking good care of you?'

 

'Always.' Torian smiles a little at me and stands close and straight at my side. His voice is deep with love and happiness. I always take care of what is mine.

 

But something enters my awareness. Something else was said under that. I did not like it. I look suspiciously at Mako. At Torian. We will talk later. I feel something has transpired and now Torian is safe, I will not brush it aside. Gault is watching me. He is too amused. Yes, something happened while I was gone on Belsavis and I'm the only one that doesn't know.

 

'We back on the hunt?' Torian sounds eager for action as always. I like the way he can almost die and want to return to business immediately.

 

'Plot a course for Nar Shaddaa. Voss can wait for now. Let's just celebrate tonight.' I try a smile. It doesn't reach my eyes. Suspicion is lurking in its silver depths; it is cold and hard as steel. Before I realise, blades have extended out of my wrists again. Gault eyes me with amusement and I hate how transparent I am to him. I don't bother to try and force them away and no one else notices.

 

I'm more than ready to kill Mako.

 

-----

 

Around two hours later...

 

 

Blizz doesn't stick around for the party.

 

Now Torian is safe, Blizz wants to go and get back what was taken for him by Jeerle. We're on Hoth so this is his one chance. So it's just us. And Skadge. He's not as lively or fun as Blizz. Or as nice smelling. I hope Blizz comes back safe. I have faith in him. I gave him a comm in case he gets into trouble. I don't think he'll need it. Told him we'd wait for him on Nar Shaddaa and gave him enough credits for five trips. Just wanted to make sure.

 

When we all sit down in the cargo bay and Mako stops complaining about it, Skadge wants to know what we do for entertainment.

 

'Drink,' is Gault's contribution. It's a pretty important one. When I think about it, we are either fighting or drinking. Half our money goes into alcohol. I don't know why I drink when it doesn't affect me. Guess I need to do something. Don't know why Mako's still a light weight. Been months since Gault came aboard and increased the habit. Should be able to handle her liquor better than a twelve year old by now.

 

'Mostly, we throw ingrates out of the air lock.' I sneer at Skadge. I'm not joking. The threats real. He just laughs and asks when we'll come by some. 'Keep it up and you won't wait long.'

 

Skadge laughs some more. It's a disgusting deep sound like a long, strangled croak. 'Don't worry, I'll treat you nice and gentle, girlie.' Skadge reaches for my arm but it's Torian that stops him.

 

Torian stands and keeps hold of the Houk's fat, slimy wrist. 'Touch her and I'll be treating you something far from nice and gentle.'

 

Torian's defence of me makes me smile. Like the serious set of his features as he glares Skadge down. I will wait till later to ask. For now, he is mine. And I will forget anything that challenges that. Including the hurt and irritated gaze Mako levels at Torian and I.

 

Skadge stands and despite how tall Torian is, Skadge is a good head taller. Skadge wrenches his hand from Torian's grip and moves the hand to his gun. 'Bring it on, runt.'

 

I punch Skadge in his fat, grotesque stomach and bring my elbow into up into where a jaw should be. It's satisfying. 'Nayc solus jurkadir Torian.' No one threatens Torian.

Skadge rubs his heavy chin and sums me up. He turns a sneer onto Torian. 'So weak you need a girlie to fight for you, runt?'

 

Torian's lips twitch. Faster than I thought Torian could move, he lays three strikes to Skadge. Skadge goes out cold. His fall is loud and hard. Softly clap my hand on Torian's shoulder and squeeze it. I roll Skadge over with my foot so his carcass is out of the way. I grin up at Torian. 'Nice job. Though next time, don't leave your left side so open. Want to do a comb like that again, go more like this.' I demonstrate on him.

 

'Thanks, Cyare.' He beams a little as a proud smile tugs at his lips. I like the vicious hatred that still shines in his eyes. Give in to an impulse and kiss his lips softly. We take back our seats. Gault carries on drinking as if he isn't surprised or notices. Mako gives me a disapproving stare and I notice her tiny fists clenched on the crate.

 

The four of us drink. Seems like it has been a long time since we did this. I suppose it has been. And it will only be a matter of time before Mako reminds me why. But until then, I will enjoy it.

 

'I would like to raise a toast.' We all pick up our respective bottles. 'To Torian. To us. To freedom. And the death of the Republic!'

 

Mako tries to hide a glare at me, Gault sneers at Torian but mutters a 'hear hear' and Torian merely watches me. Despite this, when we clink out bottles together, we feel a unanimity.

 

Gault and Mako tell me what they have been doing while I was gone. As Mako talks, Gault rolls his eyes at me and does crude hand gestures to me. Seems Gault wasn't appreciative of being left alone with Mako and the gestures entail the numerous ways he thought of killing himself among other things. Torian glances at Gault with severe distaste which only makes Gault worse.

 

I laugh at them all and wonder how my life came to flying across the galaxy with far too many twisted love triangles in a crew where everyone hates someone and no one is universally liked except for the carbonite frozen man who we use as a target stand. Where the **** did it go wrong?

 

When Mako finishes and Gault fills in his part, he is eager to talk about what he had wanted to share since we arrived back.

 

'So? Do you notice anything different?'

 

Gault stands and turns in a circle, arms out. 'Weight gain for one. You should lay off the wine. And junk food.' Mako laughs. Torian's mouth twitches. Pleased by the spiteful glint in his eye as he looks at Gault. Nice to know Torian isn't always sweet. He meets my eye and shrugs: 'Got a longer list if you want to hear it later.' I like this side of my charming Mandalorian.

 

'And they said this stuff was slimming.' Gault shakes his head in melodrama and flops back down onto a pillow. 'Acquired myself some new form fitting armour. Wanted to see if it would stand up against a trained eye. Apparently so if your observation is anything to go by.' He is mocking. I smile and laugh. I have kind of missed this. Never thought I would miss Gault.

 

'Be happy to see if it stands up against my blaster.' Torian raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment. Can sense him thinking he'd be more than happy to try it. Gault seems to notice and shoots him a quick glare. Want to know what they've got against each other. Amusing for now, but once again I think I don't want my crew members killing each other.

 

Gault pretends to feel appreciative of my offer. 'Nice to see you have my welfare in mind. It was actually you I was thinking of when I bought it. Never know when your gorgeously psychotic captain will turn on you. Again.'

 

I laugh. We all do and that that's a little sick and twisted. Wonder when trying to kill them all became a joke. Before they can stop their laughter or realise, Gault is on his back, my blaster to his chest and his arm twisted above his head.

 

'Yep. You never know.' I sneer in his face. And then laugh. Feel Torian's eyes watching me steadily. Don't need to look to know he's watching me hard enough that I might combust. Gault rolls his eyes and I back off him offering him a hand up. He takes it casually but a wary note has crept into his movements.

 

'My point is proven and I will drink to it.' And he does. Finishes the bottle in one. He's swift to open another.

 

We continue to talk and somehow laugh. Don't know how that's possible. Enough friction in the room to start a fire. Mako falls asleep at some time. Gault wonders off into his room. Torian and I take Mako to her bed. I lean against the door frame, watching closely as he lies her down. Remember the days when Gault and I would just leave her where ever she had passed out.

 

'So. You and Mako get along well when I'm not here?'

 

'Suppose,' is his only careful reply. His eyes are searching when they look at me. I let it show it's anything but a careless inquiry. 'Something I needed to tell you, Champion.' I'm starting to see a pattern when he calls me that. 'When you were gone, Mako asked questions.' He pauses uncomfortably.

 

I don't move from the doorway. He isn't going anywhere. Not till I am satisfied. That may involve two dead bodies. This time I do try and stop the turret from bashing against my armour. 'She asked what we were. Said I'm not sure. She asked if I liked you. Said I did. A lot.'

 

He rubs the back of his neck as he says the last part and averts his eyes for a moment. He is in an undershirt again. It's dark blue. His sleeves are lazily pushed up. His arms are strong. I want them around me and to hear he is only ever mine.

 

He continues and he seems aware that these words could be his last. 'Said she liked me. Wanted to know if that changed anything. Said it didn't.' He shrugs then crosses his arms. He flashes a small smile. 'Already knew that. Didn't need to over hear your conversation back on Nar Shaddaa to know that though.' His eyes are hard and demand understanding. 'That's all. She said to forget it. And I did. But I needed to tell you. No secrets.'

 

I turn and walk out. Sit back in my throne. He takes his usual seat. I stare hard into his eyes. And I trust; I believe. I remember Mako's words. 'Torian would never cheat on you.' I knew there was more to that. *****. Ignore the fact she admitted to me she liked Torian long before I dreamed on being anywhere near a scene with Torian. 'Is she taking care of you?' Impudent *********** child. My blades come out and Torian eyes me warily.

 

But it is all ok. He is mine. And I am his. I breathe deep and force the blades back. 'Nice to know.' Don't like a no secrets policy. Not something I can follow. So I don't comment on it. 'So Mako and you didn't do anything but talk all those nights?'

 

He frowns and nods. 'Course. Never touched her. Don't like her, Cyare.'

 

I nod and change the subject. I suppose I'm satisfied with that. I start to speak Mandalorian. I describe the creatures that lived further in Belsavis. He listens. There is a space between us. And this conversation isn't enough. I grope behind my crate and bring around a techstaff I found. 'Took it from a leader Esh-Kha. Thought you might like it. Trophy or new weapon.'

 

He nods. It's an agreement nod. He stands and balances the weight of it. Does practice moves and his eyes focus on somewhere ahead. Usually enjoy the view but right now I only want him to turn and look at me like he always had.

 

'Don't want you to worry. Mako will move on. I've only got eyes for you. Only ever had eyes for you.' He has turned around and his dark eyes are intense. He is worried that things will bottle up in me. Suppose they could have. Or that I will kill him and Mako. Suppose I still might kill her. But I trust Torian. For the second time in my life, I am willing to trust a man. Fool.

I smile and wave his concerns away. 'I'm not worried.'

 

Torian does a few more strokes with the staff. Practiced and easy. I watch him; my gaze taking in his muscles, his movements, posture, hair and hands like someone who has not eaten for months. He stops and sits down again. He drinks a little and then looks away at the wall somewhere to my right.

 

'You and Gault have always seemed a little close,' he finally says. Almost the most blunt thing he has ever said. Still takes me a back. Like the way Torian makes statements sound like questions. Sound like an accusation from anyone else.

 

I shrug. 'Yeah, I suppose. He's still alive if that's what you mean by close.' I keep my face blank. Maybe a little quizzical. I want him to spell this out. Because now the shock is over, it's surprising and more than a little funny to me.

 

He shifts his eyes to the crate in front of us. When he speaks, it's in Mando'a. 'I meant more...' He trails of. Thinks. He does a tumbling motion with a hand.

 

'Yes?'

 

'Have you and him...' He clenches his fists on the crate.

 

'Yes?'

 

'Were you ever...' They start to shake and some part of me tells me to stop but I don't.

 

'Yes?'

 

'Together! Did you ever ****, alright?!' He thumps his hand on the crate, making our glasses wobble a little. Gault peaks out from his room curiously for a moment, sneers and disappears again with his room door closing behind.

 

Torian looks at me angrily. He knew what I was doing. Not as satisfying since he's angry. Didn't think he really thought that. Thought it was a small suspicion, not a disfigured monster that had been clinging to his back and whispering malicious words. Guess I underestimated him.

 

Gault and I didn't stop drinking together straight away after Torian came aboard. But the increasing presence of him and Mako around kind of chilled things. Wasn't as fun then. So we would leave them sometimes. Go to the strange area between the cockpit and holoterminal and drink there. Our silences were filled with Mako's distant laughter. I don't know what she could have possibly been laughing at and I don't want to know. It wasn't as fun. So usually, we just went to bed. Separate beds. Usually.

 

Sometimes, we would just sleep there. Nothing in it though. Guess the few mornings Torian and Mako found us together in uncompromising positions still gave the wrong idea. Never wanted to read too much into Torian's rigid, serious gaze. Didn't want to notice the hurt that was there.

 

Guess then everything at Hoth happened. Then Belsavis. Haven't really spoken to just Gault in a while. Though there was that time when Torian went hunting... But I'd never sleep with Gault. Thought is sickening. And funny. Not how our relationship works. But it seems Torian doesn't know that.

I give Torian a tiny smile. It's slightly teasing. 'Maybe. Why? You jealous?'

 

He gives me a look that is close to a glare; I am enjoying this too much. But after tonight, I won't want him to ever look at me with so much irritation again. 'Depends if I have reason to be. Seen how close you two are. Way he looks at you.'

 

I do laugh then. 'He looks at everything vaguely female like that.'

 

His scowl lightens a little. 'Not Mako.'

 

I scoff at the idea. 'She's hardly a woman.' Don't like him being anywhere near thinking Mako is worth looking at. I stand up and walk around the crate. I straddle his lap and lift his face to mine.

 

Torian's lips twitch once but then goes back to a frown. Think he's still doubting me.

 

'Never been with Gault in any way. And in no world will I ever be with Gault.' I bend down a little awkwardly and kiss him. He smiles a little. 'Blizz on the other hand... you've got some real competition there.' His smile gets a little larger. I lightly punch his forehead. It shifts his hair slightly out place. 'So don't be stupid. It's not that cute, Torian.'

 

He grins. 'You think I'm cute? Thought I was a 'stupid Mandalorian punk'?' Know he's joking but there's still bitterness in his voice.

 

I smirk at him to cover something in me aching. Wonder how long that's been bothering him. 'If you don't kiss me again you will be.' He kisses my cheek. I raise an eyebrow at him and he kisses it again, then my neck. Revolted to feel my knives come out behind his back. Torian kisses me with force on the lips and I can only watch horrified as this time they don't go away.

 

'It's only early. Let's hunt.'

 

They retract and I try not to shiver. I smile as if it doesn't hurt. 'I'm feeling ten to seven.'

 

Torian grins. 'You're on, ner beroya.' My bounty hunter.

 

 

-----

 

Around 4 hours later...

 

 

Guess it isn't normal for people to heal things that didn't quite cut by hunting gang members. But I suppose not much about me is normal. And Torian is exceptional. I don't expect it to be any other way. Don't deserve his kisses in the night and what comes after, his sweet words or the way he looks at me. And I don't expect his love. I don't deserve it. And this will end better for him if I never have it.

 

Worried about how they wouldn't obey me and retract again earlier. Hadn't been that bad on Hoth. We managed. Meant a lot when he didn't leave in disgust. When he didn't give up on me. Got caught in a moment and allowed my shirt to come off. But when he touched the torn and scabbed skin on my shoulder and the very thin skin that was starting to grow back at the edges, I had to break away and put my shirt back on.

 

He looked at me with something far too close to sympathy. Buttoned my shirt for me and kissed me lightly. Hate how he made me forget myself. Almost had been feeling beautiful. But I didn't make the mistake again. And I couldn't stop when I had gotten so far. I didn't want him to slip away and realise what was happening. And it was so very worth it.

 

When we return, the others have woken and started to move around. Gault has already slipped out to visit some associates. Mako is displeased to wake and find ourselves on Nar Shaddaa. Don't know what Skadge is feeling but he grumbled something about seeing some friends.

 

I give orders not to be disturbed. I sit for a long time on my bed. I listen to the movements of the people of the ships. Their hearts. It calms me. Gives me focus. I have gone too long with too little serum. I did not take any after the morning of Torian's rescue. It's been four days.

 

I fought as if it didn't hurt. I don't think Torian noticed. I don't want his sympathy. I don't want his help. I don't want him to know. One thing at a time. I only take one vile. I find it hard to not take more. And that is dangerous. I shouldn't have taken three earlier. I know I will regret it.

 

I am calmer once I have it in me. I know this is the placebo. But it's ok. It's enough. No matter how much I may always want more.

 

It has to be enough.

 

 

 

 

------

 

Hope you enjoyed and was worth the wait.

[iamthehoyden]

"...no one is universally liked except for the carbonite frozen man who we use as a target stand"

Ok, that's just funny, as is Blizz being competition for Torian

[Earthmama]

I love this thread! I've been away from the forums for a while, but I've been reading this religiously! I love it! looking forward to more soon! xo

[EverSteam]

Ok, that's just funny, as is Blizz being competition for Torian

 

I'm glad you thought so

And hey, Blizz is one sexy Jawa

 

I love this thread! I've been away from the forums for a while, but I've been reading this religiously! I love it! looking forward to more soon! xo

 

Thanks, that makes me so happy

 

-----

 

 

A week and a half later...

 

Time on Nar Shaddaa past relatively uneventfully.

 

Skadge spent most of the time off the ship and we rarely spoke. When we did, it was far from polite. Mako did a impressive job of staying so far off my radar I had no idea where she was or what she doing at any time. Gault wasn't so great at that. Got into some trouble after the first day and already needed me to bail him out. I enjoyed the exercise. But by the fourth time, it was a nuisance.

 

Torian and I became inseparable. Spent time in my room, training, drinking or travelling across Nar Shaddaa looking for new bounties. Tried to go to a cantina one night. Wasn't repeated after it became a replicate of Taris. Only this time, the guys friends decided to step in. And so did Torian. I thought it was fun. Torian didn't quite agree.

 

After a week and a half of this, Blizz met up with us. Didn't want to wait for him to find the ship so we waited for him outside his landing bay. Was happy to see him. I was quick to run to him and sweep him into a hug. Almost crushed him though. I winked at Torian as I put Blizz down. Torian frowned a little. Kissed him quickly on the cheek. Spent that night with Blizz, listening with Torian to Blizz's adventure. Little guy made me proud. He's got a good head on him.

 

That night, we also set course for Voss. Enjoyed the routine of those days but I became restless. Can only put aside part of me for so long. My wrists have started to itch and soon my shoulder will be entirely covered in skin again. Torian noticed my wrists but didn't comment. That pleased me. What could I say about it? Nothing. Could only continue to scratch them raw. Never feel it and I don't notice I'm doing it. Only notice because it starts to leave blood on things. Only stops itching when I let the blades come out. Never happened before and though I search the datapads when alone, I can't find an explanation.

 

So I will do what I think is the only thing I can. I will do what I need to. Because not everything changes. I still need to destroy the Republic. I still want it. So much it makes my body ache.

 

-----

 

In the morning...

 

We land on Voss.

 

There is a lackey to greet us at the air lock. Tormen sent the word ahead after I left him a message saying we were landing on Voss.

 

I tell him to get lost; he doesn't take the hint. 'Insists' on making the nuances in the 'delicacy of the situation' on Voss clear. It's like a boring lecture. I think about shooting him; reject that idea. He leaves. Arrogant for a servant. Fancy name for a slave.

 

Voss are one of the two native species here on Voss. They are rivals with the other, violent natives called Gormak's. Both the Republic and Sith want the Voss to join their side. But the Voss remain suspicious and independent for now. The Empire is hoping that by removing the General, this will change and that change will be in their favour. However, neither can actively act against the other while on Voss. Difficult thing for both sides.

 

'The Empire's stepping lightly, smells like trouble.'

 

I smile to Torian over my shoulder and nod. Nothing more exciting than carving up a new planet with him. 'Let them. I make my own rules.'

 

I walk away. It's a little dramatic. I do it better than Sith.

 

I feel Torian watching my back and hear him shrug his shoulders. 'Don't I know it.' I know his mouth is twitching. I hear him following.

 

I am going to enjoy this planet.

 

-----

 

Four or so hours later...

 

Two Voss kids stop us on the street shortly after picking up our third job. They want to ask a few questions.

 

They want to know the Empire's purpose. 'I'm just a merc. I just do what I am paid to do. Don't care why. But if I were you, I wouldn't go for the Empire. Unless your people are interested in lots of credits.'

 

'You don't know your purpose? How strange.' His yellow eyes make a confused expression. As look at them and listen to their slow, bussing hearts, I'm reminded of irritating flies that bang pointlessly into glass and never realise they won't be able to make it outside; flies that don't seem to notice they are trapped and about to die.

 

'What about the Republic? Do you know of them?' The other is eager for knowledge and guidance. I think I see a desire for freedom in his eyes; an escape from this rocky, orange world. Maybe this fly will be able to realise there's an open window somewhere else.

 

I chuckle a little. Torian shifts uncomfortably. Makes me smile wider. 'Yeah, I know them. Intimately.' My face turns serious and dark. 'Don't turn your back on the Republic. You cannot trust them; not with your life; not with your people; not with your planet.'

 

They are disturbed by this. But take my meaning to heart. I suppose it came from the heart. A little ironic.

 

-----

 

Few hours later...

 

When I reach the contact after scoping the city, he is tense and annoyed. Apparently I took too long. It makes me wish I'd taken a few more days.

 

'What kept you? I must have lost three years of my life imaging the damage you were doing.' I raise an eyebrow and roll my eye. Don't think having those three years would make him look any better. He's nearing middle age and has creases from excessive frowning. Long ago he might have had potential to be good looking that was lost as was most of the hair on his head.

 

'Calm down and stick to business. I'm getting real tired, real quick, of people thinking they can tell me what I can and can't do.' All morning, I had people telling me not to kill anyone. All morning, it's the only thing they've made me want to do.

 

'We are only trying to make you realise how serious this is. So keep your temper in line.' I glare long and hard at him; he doesn't flinch much. He continues, lecturing how the situation could turn disastrous by a wrong move. Only one person I take lectures from.

 

'I'm not here to listen to you whine. Tell me about the target soon or I will put you out of your misery.' I step closer. I loom over his desk. 'Hurry up.'

 

He moves his chair back a little. Smart move. 'Perhaps plotting the Generals demise will put me in a better mood.' Apparently my next target is some Republic General woman. Nothing I love more than killing a General.

 

He tells me what a 'nuisance' she has been. I don't care what she has done against the Empire. Apparently, I will have to draw her out. It involves breaking into somewhere and getting some information if possible. Inside, I sigh. Why can't people ever just give me a heavily guarded location that I can storm into and burn to the ground instead of many slightly smaller but still heavily guarded locations?Annoying. Won't get paid if I don't do the job right. And I would have to find a new way to reach the Chancellor. So for now, I will continue to go along with this.

 

I make the suggestion anyway. Apparently I need to be delicate. If they want delicate, they should hire an assassin or Imperial intelligence. Bounty Hunters aren't made for delicate. 'Guess you're in luck. Only bounty hunter in the galaxy that knows the definition of the word.'

 

'Indeed.' He goes on to list the strategy. Not much to go on. But still sounds easy.

 

'I'm overqualified for this job.'

 

'Keeping a low profile for once, isn't going to kill you.' His derision is palpable.

 

'We'll see. If I were you, I would hope it doesn't. Or you won't have someone to do your dirty work.'

 

I walk out before he can saying anything.

 

-----

 

Hours later...

 

 

We go back to the ship after the first night. We just scoped out the city, got a few jobs, gathered intel. Usual deal of landing on a new planet.

 

Torian received a message at some stage. Was a little agitated after. Said he wanted to talk to me when we got back on the ship. Our night passes as usual. Torian cooked tiingilar. Knew that means he wants to talk about something touchy. I am not easily bought. When the others have left to whatever, and it is just us, he begins.

 

His eyes are probing. Like always. So blue and forceful. There is also slight agitation. 'Trouble?'

 

He nods. 'Yeah. Remember how I told you Corridan thought things were heating up? Listen.'

 

He replays the message, putting the holo down on the crate. The figure of a strong Mandalorian stands on the table between us the size of our glasses. He has hard lines around his mouth from frowning and smile in equally large amounts, dark hair and is around forty. His voice holds authority. He is a leader; a face to put to the reputation. The message tells Torian that they have a big job on a Senator. Alderaan. Corridan offers for Torian to join. And to lead one of the squads.

 

'Sounds big. Jedi hunt. They're in for a fight.' I know where this is going. He will ask to leave. A mere formality. And I will let him. Knew this was coming since back on Hoth. I just don't want to say good bye yet. Even if I can only delay it for a few more moments.

 

He nods. Not what he wanted me to say. I refrain from sighing. Torian is not ready yet. Close. But not quite. I don't want this to be a final good bye. Not yet. It is not time. Not his time. But I have faith in him. And most of me knows he will return alive.

 

'Let me guess: you want to go.' It's not a question. And not a guess. Sometimes, facts are sadder then suspicions.

 

'They're my brothers. I need to be there.' His voice is spiked with emotion as he pleads for understanding. I know it but I need him here. I want him here.

 

'I understand. Copaani gaan?' Need a hand?

 

'Your sights are on bigger game. I got this one.' His eyes are firm. They refuse to beg. They want this clean and easy. I just don't want this. But I will not have him on a short leash. Or any at all. He is free. Could never control another. Can't even control myself. I just don't want him to die.

 

'Remember all I have taught you. You'll do fine. Not perfect, but fine.' I throw a wall up into my eyes and try to only sound the teacher. He doesn't need to see the hurt. I try a smirk. I think it comes off a little crooked. His mouth twitches. I will miss that.

 

'Go. You don't want to miss the fight. Corridan's counting on you. K'oyacyi!' Stay alive! It is a command. I can't look in his eyes anymore. It hurts too much.

 

'Always. Darasuum'. Funny how that word seems to become our oath; a promise that I frantically hope is true; a vow that he believes entirely in yet seems to always be breaking. Know he'd hate it if I mentioned it.

 

He picks up the staff I gave him, a packed bag and a blaster rifle. I feel his eyes gazing at my face. I can't meet them. I only look at the wall opposite me.

 

'Thanks, mesh'la,' he says gently. It's only when I feel him turn and make for the door with a straight back that I look at him. It's easier this way.

 

'Ib'tuur jatne tuur ash'ad kyr'amur, Torian.' Today is a good day for somebody else to die. As I say it, I feel it is true. He will live and return; I will not doubt that again.

 

His torso twists as his toes face the exit; a pair of dogs on a scent they are not willing to leave. He nods and looks into my eyes; they shine a sombre azure. I never knew eyes could have so many emotions until that moment. I don't think there are words in any dialect to describe even half of them. I only know that as the indigo pools stare into my eyes, I drown. Don't think I'll ever get used to them.

 

Lips twitching, he says his last good bye. 'Nu kyr'adyc, shi taab'echaaj'la.'

 

And then he is gone; the hounds of his feet taking him swiftly away along a trail I can't follow. 'Not gone, merely marching far away.' Bullsh*t.

 

And not even an empty drink remains to prove he was ever there.I sit for many hours. Staring. Struggling to fight the bleeding in me. And I idly scratch my wrists with determination. 'Always, Champion. Darasuum.' A small white lie. He will be back. But he will never always stay.

 

I suppose it's ok. Because I will be the one to leave eventually.

 

The one that doesn't come back.

 

 

 

 

 

-----

 

Please comment as usual.

Not sure how good the starts were.

But I hope you enjoyed the end.

[iamthehoyden]

I got a kick out of her seething in Voss. Stop telling me not to kill people and tell me who you want dead!! Ah the irony of it all lol.

[MilaniGrey]

You know what I think already.

[EverSteam]

You know what I think already.

 

Torian /swoon?

 

 

 

A complicated amount of time later...

 

 

The weeks on Voss that pass in his absence are long.

 

I pretend it doesn't hurt. I take less serum. This physical pain drives others from my mind. Stops my thoughts. It's nice. In an ironic kind of way.

 

Skadge is good muscle. Ugly, stinking muscle. But still good in fights. Let him take damage sometimes just because I like to see people shooting him. I don't take him to meetings though. His intelligence will not impress. Instead, I take Gault. He has strict orders to remain mainly silent. Been spending nights up with Gault like old times. It's nice. But I don't sleep near him. I might want the company but if I did, I won't have Torian's in the future. May not be an honest person but I'll try for him.

 

We find the Republic base in the cave: Skadge and I. It's filled with stolen Imperial tech. A good bonus, should get some more creds for it. We come across a Colonel Deulo at the end of the cave trying to contact the perimeter team that I killed ten minutes earlier.

 

'Perimeters on radio silence. Permanently.' Nice line. Inside, I sigh a little. Skadge doesn't appreciate the finer things like Torian. Even Gault would have liked that though would probably suggest a better one once they were dead.

 

They are surprised. Didn't expect me so soon. 'Hit her with everything we've got.'

 

I laugh. It's never enough. Three against me. Not very fair odds for them. Neither of us take any damage. But it takes a minute longer than it would have with Torian. Skadge and I don't fight in sync yet. Even Mako and I were better together. I miss Torian in these moments. And lots of other moments. Without him, I return to being a desolate and broken thing.

 

I go up to the terminal. 'Whatcha want with that trash?' Skadge kicks the terminals as if to prove his point. The screens flicker and I think for a moment he broke it. But they flash back to life quickly; all systems reading normal.

 

I roll my eye. Torian never questioned me. And he was smart enough to know the value of this console. 'Just shut up and hold the camera.'

 

Skadge says some sort of threat and glares. I think it's a glare. Hard to tell when his face is already so puckered and wrinkly. I get the intel we need to blackmail the General and message the Ambassador immediately. He tells me to stand down. Says he will hand the information over to the Voss. I don't care what happens to the Republic General. But I would like to kill her. If I don't... well, there are always more Generals in the galaxy. Like that Imperial General Rosh. He's not too far away from here...

 

I don't go to the Ambassador's office. He can wait. I know bureaucracy. It will take three weeks for them to actually go to a hearing. So I do small time jobs across this side of the planet. Nothing too exciting. My weeks were spent killing monstrosities, droids, being ambushers, etc. Nothing that fun. I can't wait to get back into the old routine. To kill early every morning with Torian. There's more than enough wildlife.

 

I get a call on the twenty second day of Torian's absence. I counted every day. Usually, such things mean little to me. All that matters is the end result, not how long it took. You rarely get more for a quick delivery. And I like to keep Sith waiting. It's been two weeks since I delivered the recording.

 

Torian has blood on his face when he calls. His breathing is heavy. There are sounds like cheering in the background. He will return in two days. Victorious.

 

I think about not waiting for him on my throne. About staying out and not being there. Or going to bed and sleeping. But I don't do these things. They are silly little acts of a pouting child. And they are too hard. Because all I want is to see him. Have him.

 

I decide for a new approach. I wait on his bed, lying on my back and looking through the stairs; one leg folded over the other. I never knew you could see into my room from here. I file that piece of information away as interesting. But I can't look at the door anymore. I don't like what happens behind it when I am alone and seeing it only seems to taunt me.

 

When he comes in, his eyes look immediately to my seat. His face mildly convulses with disappointment and misery. It fills my body with a bitter sweet ache. His face is darker. He carries himself taller. Prouder. He has grown in the past weeks; more man than boy. War does that.

 

He starts to take off his armour. Torso. Boots. Legs. I like him in is loose under clothes. He'll see me soon so I might as well call out now while I still have the advantage of surprise.

 

'Su'cuy gar!' Still alive!

 

He turns to my voice. I meet his eyes and I smirk. He grins. 'Seems so.' His tred is soft as he walks to me. He sinks down on the mattress next to me; he back to the wall. I move my head to his lap. And look up into his eyes. I am glad I waited. He is worth waiting for. A thousand years or more.

 

'Weren't all so lucky,' he speaks somberly. He grimaces. This return is different from his last. It wasn't a hunt. I don't know if I like this change. Feel there's less laughter under his sober face and I think I will mourn for that. Guess I felt things weren't that bad when he was around. Not sure if it will be like that now that he has seen more.

 

I punch his chin lightly. Very lightly. 'Not luck. You've trained hard. Gar jatnese be te jatnese.' You're the best of the best. We sit in silence. His hand finds mine. We have never really sat like this. It's nice. Normal, but still nice. 'Sorry to hear that, though. But that's war. Tangle with Jedi and some one's bound to get hurt. I just always try to make sure that it's the Jedi.'

 

'Deserve their reputation that's for sure. Never found out first hand though - didn't let them get that close.' I sneer a little. Only a Mandalorian could respect the strength of those that slaughter your people.

 

'Good to know you used what I taught you. I haven't been training you for fun. Well, not entirely.' I wink and feel a little awkward doing it. 'We will be seeing more than our fair share of Jedi.'

 

He smirks. I like it on him. 'I'll hold you to that, ner verd.' My warrior. Think I like the anger and craving for revenge in his voice. Feel in these times that he may have dipped a toe in the surface of understanding me. And part of me wants him to understand so very bad.

 

'And do I ever disappoint?' He shakes his head and I feel like part of it was in wonder. 'So Corridan made it through?' I set about absently twisting his fingers around one another and marvelling at the ways they can't bend. Sure I hurt him more than once but he doesn't draw away or mention it; he only answers my question.

 

'Took a lightsaber strike, glanced off his big head.' I can imagine it from his voice: the strike, Torian slaughtering everything in his way and taking down the Jedi to kneel at Corridan's and the incredible relief when he lifts Corridan's helmet to see him unscathed. Suppose I'm happy Corridan made it because it makes Torian happy.

 

'Good. Can't meet a dead man.' We slip into silence. We don't need to talk to feel close. We just need to be we. Want to tell myself he'll never leave me again and that if he does, it will be ok; that somehow I will still enjoy the days and survive the nights. But I know I can't. And I know I won't. If he leaves again, I think I will just fight so hard that eventually my body will fall apart. And I'm scared that if that happens, my brain will be working long enough to feel every moment. And to feel the void and nothing that comes after losing everything until it finally dies.

 

'Better find some beskar if I'm making a habit of it.' Back to the armour. It worried me more than I will let him know. I don't want him to think he will not live through this. It's not how the script I am writing goes. I can't think of my life without Torian. What I would be. Because I know that life far too well. I know the antagonist I would become and it is an ugly, empty thing.

 

'Trust me. You will be making a habit of it.' His finger cracks as mine slip. He moves his hand to my back and that makes me smile a little. Guess they're safer there.

 

'Ni felt dar'yaim ures gar, mesh'al cyar'ika.' He slips down. And kisses me. I felt hell without you, beautiful beloved. I want the translation to be wrong because I don't want to hope even now. I don't want to hope for the love of someone so mortal.

 

'Ni nayc briikase meh mhi nayc tome, Torian.' I am not happy if we are not together, Torian. Hate the honest woman he is making me. I am not anything without him. Only become the person I am for him. Wonder what that says about me.

 

'K'uur.' He whispers.

 

We don't speak anymore. His body is muscular and I can feel the tension that's still there after apprehensive, restless nights of sleeping on a battlefield. I mould onto him. It was hard at first to not kill Torian for touching me at all. My body was recalcitrant to me and would act on its own. But it got easier. Removing all guns in the room helped. For the rest of me, there was nothing that time and joy couldn't change.If only it could all be solved with that...

 

Now, in these moments, I feel beautiful. I forget what I am. I don't deserve this. But I have it. I will never lose this because I will fight to keep it. I will fight the world. The galaxy. And never let anyone take Torian from me again.

 

I will never lose him.

 

 

-----

 

 

 

 

Author's note and aside:

 

Apologies for any incorrect Mando'a grammar here, in the past or the future. I thought accidentally memorizing half of the vocabulary was enough and trying to figure out the grammar of a fictional language is hard and confusing.

I also actually tried to play without Torian for some of Voss but it was so hard I couldn't take it anymore after an hour. I don't know how she survived twenty two days...

 

Edited November 11, 2012 by EverSteam

[Earthmama]

 

Author's note and aside:

 

Apologies for any incorrect Mando'a grammar here, in the past or the future. I thought accidentally memorizing half of the vocabulary was enough and trying to figure out the grammar of a fictional language is hard and confusing.

I also actually tried to play without Torian for some of Voss but it was so hard I couldn't take it anymore after an hour. I don't know how she survived twenty two days...

 

Funny how that works, I was the same way! Once I got him, couldn't put him away, I maxed out his affection somewhere on Belsavis so I tried playing with other companions to up their affection, but I just ended up pulling them out for the conversations, because everything died so much faster with Torian.

 

I loved this...nom nom

Edited November 11, 2012 by Earthmama

[MilaniGrey]

Funny how that works, I was the same way! Once I got him, couldn't put him away, I maxed out his affection somewhere on Belsavis so I tried playing with other companions to up their affection, but I just ended up pulling them out for the conversations, because everything died so much faster with Torian.

 

I loved this...nom nom

 

Because Torian is boss.

 

*insert expected Torian /swoon comment here *