When I Wake

[EverSteam]

I finally got caught up. I didn't want to comment until I did. Moving story, very well written. I'm enjoying this very much! Thank you for sharing it with us, and please continue.

 

Thanks XD

[EverSteam]

Sometime later on the ship...

 

'Nice! Now I know we hit the big time!'

 

Because getting access to the mythical Black List wasn't a big enough hint. I continue to plot coordinates. Not sure is she's talking to me, Torian, or herself. I think it's the last. Pretty sure she wasn't talking to Gault.

 

The silence lengthens. 'If you're gonna say something, Mako, spit it out already or **** off. I'm trying to type coordinates.'

 

'Well, you might want to stop because we might change direction! I'm just so excited.' I roll my eye. She is grating. Constant prattle. Which she promptly continues. I don't listen to much. But I get the gist. Some company wants me to endorse something. Stims I think I heard her say. It's a little low. Not the pay. Just the job in general. But I don't care. Whatever works. As long as there are sup Republic's where ever we're going. But I don't have much time. Pain is getting worse.

 

Gault is all for it. Wants to help 'negotiate.' Says he thinks he can help get more for it. More I think he's going to claim in his 30%.

 

Torian is against is. 'Not how I'd want to be remembered.' He shrugs his broad shoulders. My chest pulls. I do agree with him. I have bigger ambitions. Bigger targets. The entire Republic for staters. By the time I'm done with this galaxy, endorsing a product won't even be a foot note.

 

'Might as well check it out. No promises though.'

 

Before I know it, Mako has pushed me aside and is plotting course for Quesh.

[EverSteam]

Quesh

 

-----

 

'I'm Moff Dracen. Head of Imperial Forces here on Quesh. You're here to help our war efforts against the Republic?'

 

'It'll cost you. My rates sky rocket during war time. Can't afford it then you're wasting my time.' He's underlings frown, and I smirk at them all. 'Your war, not mine.'

 

All I hear from the **** face punk with him is 'stinking mercenaries' and something like 'women don't belong on the battle field.' I'm not in the mood for this kind of ****. Taris gave me enough of it. So does Gault. And my body is aching. My joints are slowing. I can feel my body separating from the metal. It hurts. I need more sedatives.

 

'Ooo, you sound so important.' I punch him. Twice. Hard. He rubs his jaw, which has started bleeding. Tears brim in his eyes. He appeals to his commanding officer, who merely waves him away.

 

'Couldn't have hurt that bad. I thought women didn't belong on the battlefield.' I spit on his shoes. I hate soldiers. Imperial or Republic. There leaders are worse. Cadera watches, impassive and serious.

 

They want me to help with something or other. Political crap. I say I'll see if I can fit it in. I know I will do it. Pays too good. But I don't give a **** about their politics. Both sides burn the world. When the dust clears and both sides have lost, it will be free lancers and the underworld that rule what's left of the galaxy. I just want as many credits out of it as I can.

 

I just want revenge.

[EverSteam]

Later on Quesh...

 

----

 

Cadera and I carve a path along Quesh.

 

We make a game of it. Quesh isn't really a fun planet. It's poisonous, foul and barren. The frequent pools of water splattered amongst dry hard dirt, bubbles and sizzles. Tress and anything green is rare. So of course the native wildlife have to be carnivorous.

 

Gotta find the fun where you can. Not that I have eye for fun. I just need to avert my mind from the pain. I don't know how it happened. The game, that is. We stood with ten dead. I claimed six, he claimed seven. That's when we started counting. After we finish with the Republic soldiers and wait for the Walker to come down, we add up our totals.

 

'Fifteen Republic, four bat-birds, and ten frog lizards.' I feel triumphant. Liquid is running quickly through me. Almost like a heart is beating fast. Not my best. I held back. Thought it was good enough to beat a Mando trained punk.

 

His mouth twitches. Sweat is dripping from under his helmet. He takes off his helmet and wipes his brow. Blonde hair plastered to his forehead. I almost choke. Something constricted and I couldn't breathe. Maybe my cybernetics are too tight...

 

'Who's keeping score?'

 

'I am.' I sound confident. A champion. But not a killer.

 

'Then you would know I killed seventeen Republic soldiers, two harvorisk and twelve lobels'. He gloats. His voice carries emotions in them when his face is stoic and serious. I feel his pride. His arrogance. And his teasing. I am impressed.

 

The Walker explodes in the background. I watch his face but avoid his eyes. I smile. I feel something close to glee. It is odd. I am excited. I stand quickly and run across the path. I jet pack onto one of the large droids, shooting the head I stand on. Torian arrives quickly after, jumping down to its legs. Stabbing and cutting. 'Try to keep up, Torian! You might learn something from the Grand Champion.'

 

He looks at me seriously, a curious expression on his face. The droid shoots. He only just manages to dodge. I laugh and continue to shoot. I jump off and launch a rocket in the air. When I land, I let go with my flame thrower. Torian does the same. We are in time. Killing is funner when you have someone to really share it with. The bond between us strengthens. I am almost happy. And that knowledge pulls at my chest.

 

Happiness isn't what I was born for.

[EverSteam]

We head to where the job is supposed to be.

 

Torian's mouth is in a constant state of twitching into a smile. Mine is a set frown. I feel flushed and I need to think. Something is changing in me. I'm hurting. The tranquilisers aren't working anymore. I need their serum. I try to think of the job ahead. I want to keep this short. Something doesn't feel right. This better be worth it.

 

We walk in the door under a hill. I glance back down at the barren, toxic wasteland. Nice view.

 

When we enter, the director greets us just inside the entrance. He seems off. His standard flattery is empty, too serious and calculating.

 

'Skip the pleasantries, director. I want to get down to business.'

 

We move to his office and he calls for drinks. Soldiers come out. And a Jedi Knight. 'Well, not entirely unexpected,' I mumble to Torian. He raises his hands and takes a step back. What a naive reaction to a gun in your face. Mine is different. I pull out my own.

 

'Knew I didn't like this,' is his only reply.

 

'Save it for Mako,' I retort.

 

A tiny holo figure of a Jedi appears on the desk and the director, the holo Master and the real life Knight carry on with explanations as if nothing was said. It has something to do with the Jedi I took out - my last target in the Great Hunt. I remember. I killed his Padawan as well. And this situation seems to basically end in death or arrest.

 

'Touch me, and you'll end up in a body bag.' My muscles flex. My plating shifts and my skin ripples. I want them all dead. I feel livid and powerful.

 

'We can take them.' Torian's confidence is reassuring. I was never in doubt.

 

The Jedi pulls out his lightsaber. Typical. Its heat burns my neck. 'Not so tough now, are we?' But the jedi lowers his lightsaber on orders. I smirk. Trained Kath hounds.

'Enjoying yourself aren't you? Not very Jedi like of you.' My leer widens at the flash of irritation I feel from him. They get so uptight if you mention anger to them. Jedi and Sith are both the same. Arrogant and flawed.

 

'Disarm them. They're a tricky bunch.' The holo Jedi Master gives his orders. I can tell the Jedi won't follow them.

 

'This thug isn't going anywhere.' Typical corruption.

 

'Yes, I am. Once you're all dead.' I enjoy the kills. It soothes me. The cold hatred is like a balm over my tearing body. We are efficient and merciless.

 

Only the tiny Jedi Master systems away is left alive. 'You've only made matters worse for yourself,' he says spitefully. I doubt it. Jedi are too weak for torture and they have already tried to kill me. A pathetic and pointless endeavour.

 

'Try anything like this again and I'll be paying you a visit.' It's a lie. I am already going to kill him. He doesn't have to do anymore.

 

'Justice will be done. I promise you.' I snort in derision and flick the call off. Justice is a pitiful ideal for the weak. There is no justice in this galaxy. You must make your own. Or have none at all.

 

'That will teach them to mess with Mandos.' A smile twitches my own lips at Torian's naive enthusiasm. I don't reply. My gloved hands remain on the desk. I lean on them. I need to steady myself. My body is suddenly weak. And he is close. Something is wrong.

 

His eyes are watching me. Considering and searching. His body sways on the spot. There is a wound on his shoulder. He almost takes a step forward but stops. One foot forward one foot back. My chest heaves. I remain impassive. My body is weak and in pain. But I go to him.

 

I pull out some med pacs and begin fixing his wound, gloves off. His body has no scars, except the clan scars that shape his cheeks. This wound will be no different. There will be no scar left behind. He continues to watch. Staring at my hand, at my eye. His gaze lingers on the thin metal rods that run under my skin, from my knuckles to up the darkness under my armoured arm. I don't want him to see me. I don't think he'd understand.

 

'Kellian Jarro. You took down the 'Mandolorian Killer'?' Spoken slowly.

 

'You seem surprised.' It hurt me. And just for a second, when my eye looked into his, I think it showed. Underestimated again. But it had never hurt this much. I gesture with my strong, smooth and pale chin to my hands. I was created and made to be the greatest weapon. I say it indifferently. But only in my mind. It is a fact. It is what I am. But I have never spoken the words. Suppose part of me thinks if I don't say it aloud, it's not really true. After all these years, somewhere and somehow, I cling to this belief.

 

I don't want him to know who I am. 'Didn't stand a chance.' It's all I can say.

 

I finish my job. I stand and walk away, leaving him to sit and stand alone. I know he is a gaping fish. His mouth opening and closing for air; trying to form words to project across the silence. The distance between us.

 

But an alarm sounds

 

They finally come. 'More trouble.'

 

'I thought the body count was low, anyway.' More killing. I immerse myself in it. I channel my frustration through my movements and kills. I try to kill the hurt in me. The anger. The disappointment. They run from down the stairs. I jump, twist and plunge amongst them. I set them all on fire. They are dead before Torian reaches us. I walk on the burning corpses.

 

We grab the stimulant and leave. We don't talk. We don't compare kills. As we break into the now night sky, Cadera only says 'I'll cover your rear.'

 

We head back the ship. We have seen enough of Quesh.

[EverSteam]

On return to the ship...

----

 

'So, we on easy streak now or what?' Gault is eager to see the money. Most excited I've ever seen him outside of a cantina on Nar Shaddaa.

 

'No, Mako blew it. She couldn't tell it was bogus and a Republic setup.' I'm not that angry. A little insulted They couldn't face me head on. No traps. No lures. I'm also a little disappointed. Thought They'd had enough time and money invested in me to deserve more.

 

'What? But- how? The letter was one hundred percent legitimate. I traced it back to Andascorp and cross checked all the signatures.' She is disbelieving. Her pride's a little hurt. She failed one of the few tasks she has. And almost killed us. Think the concern's more for Torian than me.

 

'No harm done. But that doesn't mean I want excuses. It was legitimate. They were cooperating with the SIS.' Still. She should have foreseen it. But suppose there was no way to know.

 

'The SIS? We have to be seriously careful then to stay off their scanners.' No. We have to hit harder. Until we get the big guns. And I tear them apart. Piece by piece.

 

Bloodworthy calls before I can say anything. He's got a new target for me. I can't wait. The conversation is relatively brief. When his figure disappears Torian speaks first.

 

'What's our next move?' Always eager for action. The Mandalorian is definitely growing on me. A little too much.

 

'We've got another black list mark to deal with. Have the black lists coordinates logged by the time I'm ready to head out.'

 

They nod to follow my orders. All dispersing. I head back to my quarters. Torian hangs around my shadow a little. I don't want to talk. So I dismiss him with an order to rest. I didn't hold back on the way back to the ship. It hurt more then I could ever describe. But I knew he couldn't fight as well while his shoulder was mending, and he's a terrible shot with a blaster. Didn't want to make it obvious though; can't have his precious Mandalorian pride hurt. He'll be fine tomorrow and my sacrifice kept him breathing. Isn't that much of a big deal.

 

I wash my face and clean the cybernetics around my eye and ears. They have others blood in them. I stare back at myself in the mirror. The metal patch over my eye is large. A small red light can be seen in the centre. A targeting device. Thermal vision. Night vision. Telescopic vision. Micro vision. Everything including real vision. Except x-ray vision, actually. Wouldn't of minded that...

 

There is only one scar on my face. It runs from my forehead, behind my patch and appears again on the other side. It ends down my cheek, puckered and white. I used to look like a perfect porcelain doll; white with blushed cheeks, naturally cherry lips. Now, I still look like a doll, only I'm broken and terrifying. Cracked and poorly glued back together.

 

I thump my fists on the metal sink. I scream in anger. My fists goes through the mirror. It shatters. The pieces splitting and multiplying. Blood splashes. I thump my fists again and again on the sink. I crumple to the ground.

 

I hear Torian silently standing outside the door as Mako tries to bang it down. I don't answer. They don't break in. I feel him standing there for a long time. Just out of reach and something between us. He doesn't knock on the door. Only stands and listens. And that makes this hurt even more. I don't want him to see me.

 

Every reflection of me is a hideous insult. For the second time in weeks, I am bleeding. But this time, I hate the reminder that I am alive. I want to be more than I am. All that thumps in my ear is the single word and I loathe myself with passion.

 

My body is torn in pain. Metal plates fail to keep this feeling in. Keep this thing out. Split fragments of myself stare back at me from the jagged shards that litter the ground. They scream a single word. And I silently and tearlessly cry.

 

Disgusting.

Edited October 6, 2012 by EverSteam

[EverSteam]

On the way to the next BL target on Hoth...

------

 

'You know, Champion, I know your secret.'

 

I snort. Gault looks at me calmly. He takes slow sips from his drink and doesn't say anything. I don't either. Gault's opinion isn't worth more than my pride. I know he will talk first. And so the silence drags out. We're sitting in the make shift bar in the engine room. The old, unused mattress we sit on is against the wall. It's like a couch. Used to be in the cargo hold before that become Torian's room.

 

'You were hurt.' He lifts a lazy arm and pokes my chest. His drink spills, drops falling from the bottom. I take the empty hand that has fallen from my chest. I bend the fingers back until there are tiny cracks. I am careful not to break them.

 

'You know, you really are violent.' I roll my eye. Having only one minimises the impact. But it's a habit I haven't been able to get rid of. He continues. 'You want to hide that under anger, death and, the classic, work.' He is talking differently. More from the heart. The edge of mockery is missing a little. I don't like it. I know there's more to Gault than on the surface. But I don't want to see it.

 

I deny that he is right. I think about punching him. I think about leaving the room. I think about making good on my threat from back on Dromund Kaas. But all I do is think about it.

 

'You became heartless because it was easier. Easier than feeling. Facing the fact that you feel. Have a heart. And someone hurt it.' An interesting insight. I didn't think Gault noticed much. I suppose this is where the cliché line 'it wasn't like him' comes from. Strangely, I feel sad. And there's an ache. I want something I don't want to name.

 

'You want everyone to feel the pain that you feel. You're good at pretending. I think you have convinced yourself that you are the role you play.' He finishes his drink. 'But now you can't keep it up anymore.' The mocking grin returns. 'You like Blondie too much.'

 

He is so very, very wrong. He started so well. A beginning moment of truth in his misguided lies. I shake my head. I move the crushed hand to my chest. His eyes widen a little. There is no beat. 'Heartless,' I whisper.

 

I stand and leave. I think I will kill Gault in the morning.

 

 

 

------

 

Author's note:

 

 

Ok, I wasn't sure about this part, thus partly the reason for the long two day absence. Wasn't sure if it was like my BH or Gault (though the second was partly the point). I was thinking of having Gault saying something else and trying to blackmail / flirt with her, but I decided against that.

So, if you don't like it and don't think it didn't keep in touch with the rest, then pretend it never happened.

 

 

Edited October 7, 2012 by EverSteam

[EverSteam]

-------

 

There was always confusion when I woke. The dream would slip away and I would not remember my reality. My eyes would stay open and darkness would remain. I would panic. Try to thrash. Limbs bound and struggling against unseen things. My throat was raw and my voice gone in only a day.

 

I spent almost a year on that bed.

 

And then the pain would start. A light turned on. And I would remember. The hours of wakefulness filled with pain as my body was cut, things removed and changed. Mutated. Sometimes, he would show me the skin he sheared away. I could feel the heavy metal plates that they grafted on instead. The fire. Welding. Not really sure how it worked. Fantasy and fact joined together in my delusions. I would imagine. And I am sure what I imagined came nowhere close. But the pain was real. And never ending. Letters and words cannot describe what it felt like. They are insufficient.

 

My eye was last. The scalpel blade disappearing into nothing as it come to cut out my eye. I am not sure how my scar came. I try not to think about it. In the coming years, I created stories to tell to others. To scare them. Or impress. A large monster. A Darth. A psychopathic father. Nothing I could imagine was ever as horrifying as the truth. They paled in comparison.

 

When I passed out, they would often stop amputating. They would start as soon as I wake up. But I don't remember everything they did to my chest. I know I wasn't awake for the worst. But I remember their work on my eye. The pain. The flashes of vision. For a very long time, things blurred; half thermal vision and targeting, half normal. It made me vomit. Eventually, I managed to change the thermal to normal. It took awhile. But it was worth it. Better then fighting half blind.

 

Hearing was also hard to control. Hearing everything. Every beat. Ever step. Every whisper. But eventually, I managed to control it. I had to adapt to survive.

 

A hatred cultivated in me with every cut. An anger. It swallowed all sadness or hurt at a betrayal. I swore to annihilate the Republic. Destroy this place. These people. Him. I waited. I knew I would have to wait years. But it would come. My righteous fury. My justice. My apocalypse. I would make the world as ugly as it made me.

 

I only had to wait. The only thing worth saving was what remained of my life. The only thing that was important was freedom.

 

I will be free. I will make my own rules. I will rule.

The mantra of the caged and helpless.

[EverSteam]

A few hours after talking to Gault....

 

-----

 

I fear I will never be able to heal my soul. I hide the damage from sight. I hide my emotions from sight. Sometimes, I think I just imagine I have emotions. I wish. M y body is a constant reminder of the monster I am meant to be. Inside and out. I guess when you wear a mask for so long, when you pretend for so long, you can't remember what was underneath. The real and the fake join together and form something new. Something undefinable. And possibly, irreversible.

 

I suppose Gault was partly right. But I can't go back to the way I was. That was a different person. I am the corpse that they left walking when they died. All that remain are a few old habits. I am his perfect executioner. Even in my freedom. And even in his death. I just don't know how to live again. But I want Torian to help me. I shake my head. Stupid, idle thought.

 

Torian sees me looking at him. He stares back across the crates. Open. Something close to a blush comes to my cheeks. I feel shame in my reverie. Don't like anyone, huh? Voices tell me I should carry on. He would never help me. I am nothing to him but another warrior. And a Mandalorian. A champion. A man. A leader. A captain. A hunter.

 

I have never thought of what kind of person I am. Not after it. I am a killer. But as he stares at me, a question in his eyes, I want to be what he likes. I want him to see good things. Somehow, people always never truly believe I can kill people. Or that I can hurt them. I want to know what they see before then. What did Gault think of me before I shot that pathetic Padawan? I know Mako disapproves sometimes. She thinks me heartless. I used to think so too. I still am.

 

'We're not like Eidolon, right? We're different?'

 

**** this kid is annoying. I hate people with consciences. Always regretting. Always being troubled. I don't care who we are like or not. The only difference I really care about is that I live and they die. As long as I remain the one that walks away. 'Who cares, Mako?'

 

Not what she wanted to hear. She wants to know we are 'good people'. We're not. But this is what I am. I was made. And it can't be undone.

 

She keeps talking anyway. She does too much of that. 'I mean, assassins kill people for money. You kill people for money. How are you different form the Eidolon?'

 

I notice how the 'we' turns into a 'you'. 'I am alive. I am better. That's how. Everyone I kill deserves to die.' The galaxy deserves to die. There is nothing in it worth saving. Nothing important.

 

'I hope that's true, because otherwise that makes us the bad guys too.'

 

It sounds like she wants me to care. Reflect and change my ways. But I don't care. I just want everyone to die. There is no good. Only **** and corruption and pain. I will make this world into my image. They will suffer my righteous fury.

 

I want revenge. Against the galaxy. And if that makes me 'bad' then so be it. When I am done, it will be burning and scarred. Mutated and ugly. It's already heartless. I don't have to do that.

 

I shake my head. I feel like I'm changing. I don't know where it's leading. Nar Shaddaa and the Eidolon already feels so very, very long ago. Even Taris does. It's only been around a month since we left Taris. A month since he came aboard. Or something around a month. Maybe two. Definitely don't think it's three...

 

'Been watching you work.' He looks at me cautiously. He is looking for something. Trying to catch my eye. I avoid them. We are more silent tonight. Something still aches. 'You killed the Mandalorian Killer?'

 

I look at my plate. We eat on a make shift table in the storage area near the door. It's made from large containers with god knows what in them. Never thought to look. The smaller ones are used as seats. Torian likes it there. I just like the company. Everywhere on this ship is where I like to be. Never had a home. Always thought they were overrated. It's nice to be proved wrong. A first. But still nice.

 

The food is crap. None of us have an affinity for cooking. And anything is definitely better than the droids cooking. I live in fear of hearing the words 'I've prepared a new meal for you culinary pleasure.' But it's alright. Gault is in his room, making calls. Scamming people out their money. The usual. He's got some plan involving water and salt. I told him I would help. For a share of the profits. Mako is out getting a few things for me. I expected her back tonight. If she were here, I wouldn't be.

 

He continues to stare. It's disconcerting. I've been stared at in many ways, but never like that. Usually we sit in silence.

 

'You're an amazing shot.' His voice is thick with awe and respect. Disbelief. And his voice is rough. It's a man's voice. Somehow, it doesn't quite suit. Inside, he has aged. Outside, he is a young kid.

 

I resist the temptation to reach up to my eye. Where it was. So my arm just twitches by my side as the other continues feeding me. It still hurts to think about. I pump sedatives in me daily to stop the real pain though. Not much can be done about the other wounds. Many replies go through my mind. But I don't want to make the kid uncomfortable. He doesn't need to know. I don't want him to know.

 

'I should be. I'm a Champion.' And I have a targeting device in my right eye... He nods. I've noticed he does that when something is said he doesn't agree with. Or he hasn't gotten the answer he wants. I shovel more food into my mouth. 'Don't make it far in this business if you miss.'

 

'I've seen successful hunters who couldn't shoot to save their lives.' He spreads his hands wide, almost knocking off his untouched drink. I smirk. It makes me think of all the hunters I killed to get here. They weren't anything. We continue eating.

 

I lean back in my chair. I raise my drink. 'So you've been watching me this long and all you have noticed is my aim?' I smirk over my drink. The action always shifts the cybernetics painfully. 'I'm disappointed.'

 

I'm hurting myself by doing this. Making him look at me. I'm not Mako. I used to be worth looking at. But that was a long time ago. If you're in the shadows, it doesn't matter what you look like. But when he looks at me, to know he really has been watching me, bleeds a part of me. And I wish I was more than what I am.

 

He smiles. They have been getting bigger. Still serious but... different. I want to make him grin. 'Less likely to shoot me if I only mention your aim.' My sneer changes to something else. Torian had seen me kill enough men, and especially after Taris, to know. The funniest jokes are often the truest. And that makes me hurt a little more. I hate this thing in me. It's been growing. Changing me. And it screams in pain at the thought that he will never touch me, or love me. That I am more likely to shoot him then sleep with him. What a fool. Him or me?

 

His smile retreats. 'It's nice to see a professional in action.' His eyes quietly look me over. I am self conscious. I remember my conversation with Mako. I wish durasteel looked as good on me as she said it did. 'Quite the view.'

I instinctively reach for my gun at my hip. But I let it fall. He sees. Taken aback. And it hurts. I laugh. I drink.

 

The droid walks in at some stage. 'Have I mentioned how much I enjoy serving you, master?' I wave him away. 'I am a lucky droid master. That is all.' He walks away with a toddle. If droids could whistle, I know it would be.

 

Torian ignores the interruption. He is staring. And thinking. I top up his still full drink, filling my own. 'Drink, Torian.' His face twists a little quizzically. But he obeys. So very serious.

 

'I like you calling me Torian. Not Cadera.' I instinctively look in his eyes. Mistake. Back to eating.

 

The silence goes on a little. It's evolving from Taris. More tense. More emotion. More something. I don't like it. I am a cat in a box and I want to get out. I'm scared.

 

I look out a small window. 'I know what you mean, by the way.' I look at him slyly. I try to seem suggestive. Nonchalant. 'The views not bad from here either, Torian.' He smiles. No nod. I am relieved. My muscles tighten and relax. Feelings are strange.

 

He smiles a little. 'Glad to oblige.' He drinks. I feel him beaming inside. Makes me beam in response. I can hear his heart beat quickening. It's a little endearing. He's sweet for a Mando kid. And my own blood pumps quicker. Yes. Feelings are very strange. Always been good at reading others. Not really my own. Don't usually have enough.

 

We don't eat anymore. It's gone cold and changed colour. Don't think about that. I decide to leave. Go and do something. Maybe practise my shooting... I push the crate back and pick up my plate. I start to walk away. I feel him watching me. If I still could, I would blush. 'You know, if you ever want to see more... I'd be happy to give you a better view.' I nod. And walk upstairs. A small lie. This is the closest to heaven that I will ever be. I will not give in to hope.

 

My boots are loud on the steps. Part of my mind is shouting at him. At me. Because I know I would give up forever to touch him. But everything is made to be broken. I just can't let him know what I am. Clang, clang, clang. In between steps, I think I hear Torian speak.

 

Mako returns. As I take off my armour and stand naked and alone, I can hear her laugh. And in my minds eyes, I can see Torian grinning.

 

A ghost stares back at me from cracked mirror. She can never be seen. She is white. Silver cuts emerge like vines from under metal plates. They are patch work on her skin. Her shoulders, her thighs. And they cover her heart. Melded to follow the curve of her chest as it rests between them. He didn't want them covered completely. So the odd, rectangular plate is only in between, not even covering half of each breast. It continues under the left one. It meets the long skinny plate down her spine that ends in a sharp point. Built on plating.

 

There are dark shadows under her skin. Metal moulded to bone. She moves her hand to touch the area of her heart. It hurts. I can't feel a beat. I have never felt a beat. Not for nine years. I am scared there is nothing real underneath. That all I am is empty mechanics. Cold.

 

He is smiling. 'You will be our perfect little killer.' The knife shines. 'You were born a killer.' He looks into my eyes. 'Innocent and heartless.' He begins to cut.

But something is hurting.

 

I take tranquilisers. I put my armour back on. I lie down to sleep.

Clang. 'I'll remember.' Clang. 'You said that.' Clang.

 

It still hurts.

 

 

-----

 

 

 

Yes. I did quote song lyrics in this. Please forgive me.

And btw, hope you're all still enjoying sorry this one was a little long

 

 

[EverSteam]

Link to Torian's perspective on last few posts:

 

http://www.swtor.com/community/showthread.php?p=5255954#post5255954

[iamthehoyden]

Just read through what you've written so far. Your bounty hunter is an amazing character, I'm completely sucked in to how she thinks and her background and all of it. Going back through the bh storyline through her perspective has been very very interesting. Really looking forward to reading more!

[EverSteam]

After landing on Hoth some days later...

 

-----

 

It takes a bit of time for Mako to get a connection to the channel we were given for the next Black List target.

 

When we do, I'm not surprised to see a Chiss on the holo. He is dressed in expensive robes, and doesn't seem to bother with pleasantries. Never cared for them myself, but the thought always counts. Means I might almost think twice before shooting someone.

 

'This is a surprise. This holo frequency hasn't had an inquiry in some time. I believed there were no longer any interested parties.'

 

I shrug. 'It's because you look cheap.' I smirk at his surprised and offended look. Gault chokes. I like shocking him with my wonderful diplomatic abilities. This Chiss looks the opposite of cheap. 'But if you've got a job, consider me an interested party.'

 

The target is a legendary Trandoshian. His names Reneget Vause. Doesn't sound too tough. Reps are rarely anything to go by. And Mako still sleeps with a bed light. Her fear isn't a good judge. Guess the only way to know is to face him myself.

 

'Vausse appears to have joined up with the White Maw, a massive confederacy of pirates pillaging Hoth's starship graveyard.' They've been hitting Chiss targets and damaging business.

 

'Sound like my kind of people.'

 

Gault snickers in the background. 'Maybe you'll finally find that someone that shares your interest in making craters in the ground.' Torian coughs uncomfortably and Mako giggles.

 

I smirk at Gault. 'Nothing says romance like setting off a few bombs.' I wink at Torian. He looks away with slight embarrassment. But I can see him making a note of it. And a pleased glint in his eyes. I don't let myself read too much into it. Doesn't mean anything.

 

The Chiss coughs for attention. He gives some details of the situation on Hoth and their agreement with the Empire. I'm fully aware of the situation on Hoth. Was here only a year ago.

 

The Chiss signs off.

[EverSteam]

On Hoth...

 

-----

 

On Hoth, we talk to some contacts, get a few large jobs. Our intel of how to draw out the Trandoshian is coming from a Jawa named Blizz. Last place I ever expected to see one. We sleep on the planet for a week, starting to track down the new target, do some odd jobs. It's all on the Chiss' tab, of course. Things have warmed between Torian and I again. We fight as one.

 

On the seventh day the wind picks up. A blizzard is coming. Not exactly something you want to be out in. I don't fancy the idea of having to cut open a tuantuan and sleeping in it for warmth. Not my idea of a fun night. If each planet in the galaxy has a polar opposite, Hoth is Tatooine's. The entire surface of Hoth is jagged ice and plateaus of snow. The sky is either just as white with clouds, or shining blue with a burning sun. If you don't watch your step, you can fall off a cliff or down a snow covered pit. Neither are fun options to me.

 

We fight native wildlife and Talz all the way back to the Imperial base. When we reach the cover, doors closing behind us, I pant 'twenty four Talz, seven wild cats and three wampas.'

 

Despite the stimulants for cold resistance and our warm furs, it still seeps through. I don't mind so much. Don't really feel it. But Torian does. Under his serious bravado and stern frown, I hear his teeth chatter and his body shiver.

 

'Who's keeping score?' His voice is strong and firm. I wonder how he pulls it off when his teeth are chattering so loudly in my ears.

 

I smile. Pain is rushing through me but I laugh. 'You were. I saw your lips moving. You were counting.'

 

He almost grins. Almost. 'Twenty two Talz, four Wild cats and five Wampas. I would say that's a tie, Champion.'

 

'You wish.' I punch his shoulder. He cringes. And I pass out laughing.

[EverSteam]

Flash back to Taris before facing Jicoln...

 

'Hey. Couldn't smell you coming.'

 

Cadera turns his head form he had been squatting, watching the rakghouls below. He eyes me curiously. I shrug and join him, bodies tight next to each other in the small space. 'That Mandalorian humour?'

 

'Not a joke.' His blue eye tries to look into my eye. I keep it focused on the prowling rakghouls below. Not gonna tell him why I never smell. Rather not think about it. 'Did you get it? Where are your friends?'

 

I raise an eyebrow at the second question. Wonder if the kids got the same thing for Mako she has for him. 'Single handed. Others wimped out.' I take out what I gathered and pass him the large air tight case. He opens it and evaluates the contents, nose not even cringing at he stench of the decomposing parts and waste. 'Next time, you crawl through the sewerage.'

 

'Do you know botany?' I scowl and make a slight shake of my head. Only know what's poisonous or what can be. Not much use if it can't kill anyone. 'Didn't think so.' I like the way he isn't scared to challenge me. Kind of refreshing. 'And who says there'll be a next time?'

 

'For this,' I gesture with chin and hand to the case he has already begun mixing things in, 'I'll make sure there is.' I return my eye to the area below and listen for any sounds behind.

 

'Not sure I like the sound of that.' I throw him a leer and we settle into silence. I move onto a rock at the very edge of the cliff and rest my back against the cave wall. Better angle to watch below and gives the Cadera punk more room. I close my eye an wait.

 

Half an hour later and he's done. Was getting bored. Thought about going back a bit and seeing if there were any rakghouls left. 'Smear it all over you. Will throw them off our scent. Not sure how well in their den though. Keep your distance.'

 

I take the past and begin the process. Isn't so bad. Gault and Mako and just wimps. Deducted money from both their pay for not coming. Gault wasn't too happy about that. Tried to say he called make up for it in other services. I just shot him down. Almost literally. He was quick on his feet.

 

'Ready?' His eyes never left me as covered my armour in it. Hope it doesn't wear the paint off.

 

I nod and he picks up his blaster and tecstaff. 'Stay behind me. And close.' Don't want to have to watch out for the punk. He makes a reply but don't know how he means it. And I don't look to see. So I ignore it. I make for the cave entrance and begin the climb down.

 

'With pleasure.'

[EverSteam]

-----

 

There's always confusion when you wake up from a deep sleep. Sometimes, the dreams are so genuine, you find it hard to believe the world you suddenly see is real. There is confusion. The dream still lingers, and you feel that as it slips away, you are losing something important.

 

I was only out for a minute. He is leaning over, hands to my neck for a pulse. His face is, as always, serious. And as my eye searches his, I see a moment, a silhouette, of fear. I push him away. I stand up shakily but alone. I don't need help. I need to be more careful than that.

 

'Had no pulse. Thought the worst.' I don't look at him but walk away.

 

'Don't worry. I'm not dead.' Yet. 'Come on, let's get that drink.'

 

I still haven't found that something. But I'm getting closer. He is getting closer. I will find it soon.

 

Just a little while longer, and I can return.

 

 

 

-----

A note:

 

 

 

Just have to say, this makes me sad after knowing what Torian is thinking.

 

 

Edited October 12, 2012 by EverSteam

[EverSteam]

Just after the last post....

 

Torian and I stop to get a drink from the cantina.

 

We don't talk much. As we leave he stops in my path. 'Want to talk when we get back to the ship.' My chest tightens. It's a statement yet his voice speaks it as a question. We have been talking more recently. At dinners, he tells me of battles and his heroes. Says I remind him of a friend. Still don't know if that's good or bad. I don't talk of my fights. They're far from honourable.

 

I am tired. Nights are restless. Memories prey upon me. I need more sedatives. When we return, I take some tranquilisers in my room. They aren't working. I lock the door to my room and take off my armour. I look closely in the mirror. The skin around the plates is starting to peel. Yellow is seeping from raw patches. I touch it. It stings. I'm falling apart. I will need to return to them soon. I suppose that's why they haven't attacked me. Only watched. I've already found six tracking devices on this ship. I know there are more. Haven't bothered searching for them. They knew I would have to come back. Next time, they will never let me go. I'd like to see them try and keep me. For now, I will hold back.

 

I put some loose clothes on, covered neck to ankle. I put some boots on and then my gloves. Look at my face in the mirror before going down. It hasn't started to deteriorate yet. I try a smile. It's a forced, fake thing. My red lips stretching to white; cheery elastic straps that reveal white teeth; rectangle pearls separated at random by small white pyramids. It's a terrifying smile; not ugly, but not your typical beauty. I stare at the fake, queer thing for a long time.

 

But pain racks through my body again. I double over. I wait for it to subside. I bite my tongue to hold back the screams. It's bleeding again. My teeth dig into partially healed cuts. I have been hiding this. Pushing through it out there. I wait for the time to come back here. And crumple.

 

Slowly, I leave my room. Dinner is ready. We eat at the small table in the part between the holo room and bridge. It's the four of us. Gault tells anecdotes. Mako tells jokes. Amusing bites at the news and leading figures. Torian smiles in a serious way. I listen. I focus on their voices to keep me locked on the ground. Focusing on that lessens my awareness of the ache in my body. It helps me keep control of something inside me. Eventually, Gault gets some more wine. Much more wine. Mako passes out and Torian carries her to bed.

 

Gault and I haven't talked after our last conversation.

 

'He likes you.' I raise my fist to punch him but Gault quickly 'whoa whoa whoas' me out of it. 'I didn't say you liked him. I'm merely saying. It's obvious he has a really big thing for you. Don't know why, but he does.' Gault shakes his head and has some more to drink.

 

'A little jealous are we?' I sneer at Gault. He scoffs. And smiles a little. I shake my head. 'Nah. He's got a thing for Mako.'

 

'Noooo, in your crazy screwed up head he has a thing for Mako.' I don't believe him. I shake my head and pour us some more wine.

 

Torian comes back. He stares at me. Pointedly. Gault laughs, nudges me, and wanders off. I scowl at his back.

Torian and I move to the cargo hold. We sit on our crates and continue drinking. He tells me a few Mandalorian legends. I know them already, from years back. But I like listening to his voice. It soothes me. It brings them to life. They start breathing.

 

But his eyes are uncomfortable. There are things in them I'm not sure I want to acknowledge. I feel they will see the pain behind my eye. The worry and hurt. The fury. The disgust. The rot. The dark blue eyes watch me as he falls silent. I look at my gloved hands resting on the table. I flex my fingers. I shiver when I imagine the decay under the leather.

 

'Mind if I ask you a personal question?' He tries to shrug it off as nonchalant.

 

I hold back my flinch. I try to sound derisive. Like I don't want this. 'Gona make me talk about my feelings already?'

 

He smiles in that small way. ''Fraid so.' I can't help but return it.

 

'If you want to ask me something then ask. But, if I answer it, then I get to ask you something personal in return.'

 

He doesn't smile anymore. I don't know where I stand now. No nodding. But no smile. 'Fair enough.' He shrugs. I think that's good. 'Why did you enter the Great Hunt?'

 

I waver. It makes the pain come forward. Turns into a sway. I grip the 'table' to steady myself. 'It's not something I can just sum up. Lots of things led to it.' Seemed natural. After my first kills. After my training. Like I was born for it.

 

He nods. He isn't satisfied, but doesn't push. I am thankful. 'Next hunt that's called, I'm going to enter.' So much to prove. I didn't think I would live to see what came after the hunt. Not because of a rival. They are weak. Easy. But because of what stalks me. Them. My memories. My body. Myself.

 

'Worthy aim.' My turn. 'Why did you decide to come with me? You got your honour back. Why not stay?' I'm curious. Never thought to ask. There some questions I can't answer. Maybe there are some he can't answer as well.

 

'That's two questions.' He's teasing. I don't know what to do. 'You're much prettier than the Commander.' He tries to meet my eye. He's sweet, in a serious kind of way. His mouth twitches.

 

'That's not hard. Means you would have run away with the first Wookie you saw too.' We laugh a little. 'So you think I'm pretty?' I scoff a little. I don't want to hear a lie. And I don't want him to know how much the answer will matter to me. My chest aches.

 

His smile twists into something teasing and mocking. 'That's not how this game works. I think it's my turn now.' I nod. No lies. 'But it is the truth. You are.' He looks away awkwardly. He takes another swig of his drink. He leans forward and forces me to look at him. 'Are you seeing anyone?'

 

What I don't spit out of my drink I choke on. It breaks my concentration. Pain. I can't stop it. I stay still and don't move. I didn't expect this. Sudden and blunt. Very him. I cringe a little. I hope he doesn't see. I can't look at him anymore. I look into my drink. Don't like anyone, huh?

 

'No, it gets in the way of business.' I feel him nod. Miss. 'But I might be persuaded, by the right guy.' I try to sound casual. Subtle. He smiles. Hit.

 

'I'll have to remember that.' Seems he wants to remember a lot. His eyes are intent. This is stupid. I am being stupid. He's just a kid. Don't do this to him. Don't do this to yourself.

 

'What about you? Is there a Mando girl?' My vision is going black in my real eye. The world shifts from real, to thermal, to real, to thermal. I flex my fingers. Concentrate on other things. They are hard to move. I am slowing down. I need to leave. I should leave. I think about walking upstairs to my room. About walking to the cockpit and setting a new destination. For once, I don't do what is easier. I only think about it.

 

He leans back. Always watching. I'm scared my face is starting to weep. There is a ringing in my ears.

 

He considers me. 'No. Thinking about it, though.' I don't know what to say. I try not to think it, but amongst the ringing it echoes in my mind. Maybe Gault was right.

 

'So tell me: what does Torian Cadera look for in a woman?' I smirk at him. Tease. I hope it covers the pain and anxiousness inside.

 

He looks away, partly due to mock deep deliberation. Partly from embarrassment. It's a little endearing. 'Think it was my turn.' I sneer a little. Nice avoidance. 'What kind of guy does a Grand Champion of the Great Hunt go for?'

 

'Don't know about the others, but I'd have to say... they have to be able to kill. And like to kill. That would be necessary. And strong. Loyal. Genuine. Honest. Have a great body.' I give him a twisted, teasing smile. 'Someone like you.' I look at his mouth. It kind of opens and closes a little. His teeth flash as he smiles. I wish hadn't spoken straight away. Wanted to play it off as a joke. I didn't want to put myself in the open. Wasn't thinking straight. Or at all.

 

I look away. 'My turn. My question still stands: what does Torian Cadera look for in a woman?' Don't want the answer but I don't want the silence that was coming. I look at him. He's looking away as well. His heart is beating fast and his breathing is heavy.

 

'She has to be Mandalorian. And she has to be a better shot than me.' He looks at me out of the corner of his eye.

 

'Guess that rules Mako out twice then.' We laugh a little. My chest feels relief. Didn't mean to say it out loud though. 'But aside from being Mando, you just described everyone on Hutta.'

 

He laughs and throws his head back a little. I want him. He has a large smile on his face, but he hides it behind a hand. 'Ouch. Guess I'll have to check out Hutta, then.' I like it when his serious face is open and smiling. I like making him smile. It's like a small victory. He leans closer. 'I was hoping there might be one closer around, though.' I choke. I can't breathe. I can't look at him either. He is staring at me intently. No missing his meaning. Not even for me.

 

'So never left any Mando girls heartbroken on Duxn, then?' Don't think there were no girls. Just not many. 'Sometimes I wish he had.' Mustn't of been easy for the kid. Would have been tough. But I know there's worse.

 

He shrugs. 'A few. Couldn't say they were heartbroken.' He shrugs again. It's history. I can tell from his voice he didn't like them much. No touchy history there. Feel a little relived at that. Not sure I like competition. When did I start thinking like this? 'They didn't meet my third requirement.' His smile is teasing and gorgeous.

 

'And what's that?' I have to ask. Though a proud voice in my head hates me for it. I can't resist him. That smile.

 

Torian leans closer to me. I find myself leaning in to. 'She has to be pretty.' He winks and leans back, chuckling a little. I like the way he teases. I like the way he smiles. It make my body stops for a moment and then start again faster. I feel flushed and look away. It brings the pain back. My spine, my chest, my hands. They ache.

 

'Come on. It's late. We fight the Maw pirates tomorrow. We can talk later, cyare.'

 

I stand and leave. I can't speak. So I don't reply. I have things to think about. I walk slowly up the steps. He watches. Just a few more steps. I fall in the doorway to my study. My body half slithers and half crawls to the foot of my bed. I struggle out of my armour, I pull the blanket off my bed and lie on the ground.

 

Everything goes thermal.

[iamthehoyden]

The internal tension is palpable. Got a dark, sharp, ugly/beautiful thing going on here. Really really impressed.

[EverSteam]

Thanks XD

I'll take it that views mean other people are enjoying as well

[EverSteam]

-----

 

 

When I wake, I am on my bed. I flex my fingers. They move. Good.

 

The world is thermal again before I lose consciousness. There is something red next to my bed.

 

Reality is blurry. My dreams are painful. Memories. In some, I am still in the Organisation. Some are things that could of been. What can be. In all of them, I am happy. And as I wake, the happiness always slips away. But it's getting closer.

 

I stare at the ceiling of my room. I slowly test my bodies capacity for movement. Everything is working. Everything is fine. But when I try to lift my arms, they are pinned down. Tied down. I can't raise my head to look. I can't lift my body. I am aware of someone walking to the intercom in my room.

 

'She's awake again.' Torian. 'It's her'.

 

I wet my lips. I try some words. Nothing comes for a while. I gather my strength. My thoughts. Torian has moved to a seat next to me. So close.

 

'What is this for?' I struggle against the ropes to show my point. They have been tied well. Torian's work. Mako could not tie a knot to save her own life.

 

'Precaution. We didn't know what you would be when you woke up.' He shrugs. Matter of fact. This is how it is. A logical move. A safe move.

 

I am scared. I wish I could run away. Or see myself. I pray that I'm in armour. That it is not visible. But I can't feel the comforting heavy weight of any. I think about crying. I have no tear ducts. So it would be an empty gesture. After a while, I gain composure. Gault and Mako have joined us. They are wary.

 

'Untie me now or when I break free I will kill you all.' I mean it.

 

'That's what we're scared of.' Mako sounds quiet. Afraid. Angry. Hurt. Always been good at reading people's emotions. Never been good at giving a ****. And Mako's are the last persons I give a **** about right now. We're not friends. Not to me.

 

I scream in anger and frustration. 'Untie me!' They leave the room together. I can hear their voices above the ringing in my ears. Of all my cybernetics, I like that one the best.

 

'Can't find anything?' Torian.

 

'... There's even less to go on than I had. There is no record of her anywhere. She appeared four months before the Great Hunt. That's when Braden... small... I don't know what this is. It is beyond Imperial Intelligence, SIS, and any other known Republic group. ... no record of any experiments even close to that level. I'll keep ... I thought I had it bad. She must have been laughing at me. Hating me. I was an idiot.'

 

The ringing interrupts what I can hear. Mako was right. I have been. But I don't care about her. Well, just a little. But if living, even as this, meant killing her, then I would. Freedom is worth more to me than her. Or Gault. I feel a crushing in my chest. They have seen me. Torian has seen me. In my mind, I see Mako crying. Torian is hugging her. Comforting her. And that image burns. I laugh at Gault's empty suggestions. I was right.

 

'It certainly explains a lot.' Gault. The harsh edge of his mockery is dull.

 

'Suppose it does.' There's a pause in their conversation. 'We should untie her.'

 

'She tried to kill me!' Gault's voice is indignant. 'And you, Mandalorian.'

 

I wince. Something inside me splits. Shatters. Crumbles. And then burns. I tried to kill Torian.

 

'It wasn't her. We need to ask her.' Torian. So loyal. Don't know if it's endearing or foolish.

 

'Fine. But I'm not going to be there to see what happens.' Gault leaves the ship. Typical.

 

I pass out.

 

One pair of footsteps come up the stairs. Colours blossom around my eye. I'm scared. I close my eye and concentrate on breathing equally. I never imagined that this day would come like this. Wonder what I did exactly. But I suppose it doesn't matter.

 

The door slides into place and locks. We are alone. I want to crumple. To become invisible. And strangely, at a moment when more should matter, I want to be beautiful.

 

I feel him watching me for a long time. I keep my eye open and stare to the ceiling. Not that I have a choice. I feel his eyes roaming. I hate this feeling. To be vulnerable. Open and alone. Defenceless. I become angry. Without thinking, my body pulls against the ropes. I want to attack. Defend myself.

 

I close my eyes. Slowly, I stop moving. But it's still there, as it has always been. The anger. The helpless rage and hatred. The desire to kill. Animals and petty warriors are not enough. I need more than weak Jedi. I need Sith. My vision is thermal. I only see blue.

 

I break the ropes easily. Somewhere, something close to a heart cries to me to stop. I jump to my feet. Torian is a cloud of warm colours. My body walks to him. He only stands. My hands reach his neck. They squeeze. My vision is flashing. Thermal and real. His eyes look into mine. He sees me.

 

I let go.

 

I want to walk out the door and never see him again. I want what's easier. But he stands in the way. I walk to my cupboard. There's nothing left. Only broken viles. I sit on my bed. The knowledge that everything I hoped for is over, is a cold hard stone in my chest. My hopes were for nothing. Everything is for nothing. I think of the last time we spoke. How long was I out? I hate myself for it. I was an idiot. And I deserve this. Things like me can never know happiness or hope.

 

I am only in my small underwear. I look to my body. It is still decaying. I had hoped to finish this one last bounty. I know I won't make it that long. Myself preservation chip is setting in. Next time I sleep, I will return to them. And kill anything in my way. I sigh. It chokes at the end. A cough. A splutter. Orange blood and something black come out. They land on the floor in front of me. My foot traces some letters. It stays between us. I don't need to bleed anymore to know I am alive.

 

I am disgusted by myself. I hate this thing in me. I hate this part of me. I hate me. I find some clothes. They are torn and broken. I open the draws and find some others. I put them on. The easy path is no longer pretending it's not there. But old habits die hard.

 

He stands immovable. Watching. I look into his eyes. I have nothing to hide. No questions that will remain unanswered.

 

Everything is made to be broken.

 

Even us.

 

This hurts

[MilaniGrey]

meep.

[Adwynyth]

meep.

 

Meep indeed.

[Adwynyth]

(Sorry, double-post.) Edited October 15, 2012 by Adwynyth

[EverSteam]

Meep indeed.

 

Good meeps or bad meeps?

[EverSteam]

A few hours later...

-----

 

'I grew up on Correllia. Lost my parents when I was six. Literally lost them. Or they lost me.' I shrug. The motion hurts. 'Depends how you look at it. Doesn't really matter. I lived on what credits and supplies I could take from dead men. Buildings may all be broken, fields destroyed, scarcity of food, but there were more than enough of dead men.' My voice is shaking. I am finding it hard to hold myself together. Physically. Memories are jumbled. Torian just stares. Impassive. Serious. Watchful. Ready.

 

'I tried to find them. Running in circles. I remember calling and crying. I searched over a hundred dead bodies hoping to see my parents. Don't think there's much sadder to some in a child hoping to find their parents dead. Because if they're not dead, they're gone forever. But I didn't find them. I was hungry and wanted food. And shelter. Our home was bombed. I found credits I needed on dead bodies. The shelter I needed in evacuated houses.

 

'I never thought of them again. Not until now. No point. I don't care for family. As I grew older, life was more dangerous.' I shudder and fight the anger. 'I found out what men do to women. I already saw what they would do to each other. And so at fourteen, I gave up all ideals or hopes for the galaxy. There was no hope for good or happiness. Everything deserved to burn. They all deserved to die'. My words hang in the air. The exception stares at me from across the room.

 

'I met a General. The General. My General.' I whisper it quietly. Never used his name. 'Anyway, I think I was sixteen or seventeen. Could of even just been fifteen. I'm not sure. Years blur together. Such things as clocks and calendars do not define time. Events do. He caught me looting the corpses of his men. He gave me shelter. A real house. He would visit. Tell me stories. He taught me to fight. It amused him.' I shrug. And of course he expected something in return.

 

'Still wonder if a few years of relative protection and security was worth it. If I knew what was going to happen, would I still make the same choices? Knowing what it would cost me? Knowing that it would bring me here?' I shake my head. Useless questions. Doesn't matter. I can't change it.

 

'And I... loved him. And I had no choice.' I watch Torian. His mouth tightens. He nods. His body stiffens. I want to think it's jealousy. But I am not an idiot.

 

'When he was away commanding his army, I would practice in the empty base. I trained for a year. And then I slowly killed all the men that had ever ***** me. I made them suffer.' I can't stop it. It takes over. When I come to, I am sitting on the floor. Torian is bleeding. Inside my chest, something is bleeding as well.

 

'The General watched. He saw potential. He had never believed I could kill men. He thought me weak.' I spit on the ground. It's clear and flecked with red and black. And yellow. 'I was taken to Tython. He took me into a cell. Asked me to fight for him. To be an assassin. I said no. I did not realise how free I was until I was caged. Until I was in that cell. He tortured me. Changed me. I had no sedatives most of the time. He wanted me to feel it. They broke me. It only took a whole year.' My voice falters.

 

'The lead scientist and doctor was a man by the name of Needles. When on Taris, I had hoped to finally confront and kill him, since his defect from Havoc Squad. But they got to him first. I don't think you can understand what it's like to have ten years of planned revenge taken from you by another. To be so close to killing them only to have another beat you there by only hours.' I breathe deep and let go. 'He enjoyed what he did in that room. And I didn't even get to kill him.' I shiver and try not to break in front of Torian.

 

'It was there I learnt weapons like me aren't born for happiness.' Torian stares at me. For a moment, I think I see him falter. Waver. A tighter frown. A larger grimace. Words trying to knock down the doors of his lips.

 

I shrug. My voice is hard again. I've never spoken of this before. 'It was dar'yaim and haran.' It was hell, a place you want to forget, and it was destruction. His eyes widen. There is pain and sorrow in his eyes. Don't think it makes him realise I can speak Mando'a.

 

I skim over details. He doesn't need to know how they teach you thousands of ways of tortures on your very body. 'I was trained to fight with every weapon. In every style. I was taught codes of Jedi, militaries, Sith.' I look hard into Torian's eyes. 'Madalorians.' I let the word hang. He doesn't react.

 

'I was taught military strategies, learned leaders, other languages, cultures, memorised every planet. Inhabitants, skills, weapons, technology. It only took two years. Amazing how quick you learn when torture and starvation are the alternatives.

 

'The cybernetic implants in my brain help. A recording of everything.' I tap my cybernetics where my eye should be. 'There's a camera and recording device. It plays back here. I just close my eye, think about what I want to see, and it's there. Poof. Easy.' I shrug. A benefit. But I still memorized everything. I try not to rely on the things they have given me. I turned off their translator. I would learn what I needed on my own. 'And I wanted it. The power. Status. Knowledge.' My ears are ringing. I think I might be shouting. 'For five years after that I killed Sith, Moffs, Hutts. And I liked it a lot.

 

'I was their assassin. When I was not on a job, days were spent in the Organisation's torture chambers. The place enemies and traitors of the Republic disappear to. Was one of the best at that. See, the Organisation didn't just take in Imperials, Hutts, scum, rebels and Mandalorians. No. They also took in their own.

 

'Because the Organisation is separate. It isn't ruled or even known of by almost all politicians. It was once, long ago. But then power and greed corrupted the hearts of leaders and it was needed to serve the people in secret. The gun that shoots in the dark so the Republic was kept stable and the good reputation intact.' I shake my head. Such a load of bantha crap.

 

'Nights were spent with the General at parties. I was his only body guard. He didn't need any more. In my free times, I trained. Was the closest time to freedom I ever had.

 

'Every night I would plan his death. The man I loved. I waited six years for the opportunity. He became sloppy around me. Underestimated me. Still. After everything. Knowing what I was. They had let me keep my gun, eventually. The one I picked off the last man on my list. One night, I tied the Generals hands and feet. I cut him with his own knife. I made him feel what I felt. I made him bleed. I made him a reflection of myself. An ugly, deformed monster.'

 

I look into Torian's eyes. 'I pressed the gun to his head and pulled the trigger after eight long, blissful hours.'

 

'Pow'. I look into his blue eye. 'You're dead.' It widens. I pull the trigger.

'He was my lover. My torturer. My teacher. General in the Republic army. And leader of a secret Republic organisation. And I would kill him again if I could.'

 

 

 

Note:

 

 

Dramatic, I know.

Ok, hope no one found it too unbelievable that the Republic have a secret 'evil' organization. I like the idea that there's no difference between Republic and Empire and that they are both the same. Imps are just more open about there evilness. Comment any thoughts, though preferably only nice ones

 

 

[Earthmama]

Aaaah!! Loved it, finally caught up after a busy Saturday. I'm curious to see how Torian processes this information. I like how you incorporated Needles!