Thursday Morning Wrath

[Doozzer]

ELSEWHERE IN THE GALAXY

excuse me, who are you? excuse me, who are you? excuse me, who are you?

 

 

 

 

"So uhm, are we gonna go out and hunt some bounties or something, like we used too?" Mako asked.

 

"Eh. Haven't really been feeling it. I am kind of a notorious war criminal. Might want to lay low for a while." Big Sis shrugged.

 

"You've sat around all weekend watching weird Japanese movies. Shouldn't we at least go see if the Empire, you know, wants anyone dead?"

 

"My sisters are on the freaking board of directors for the whole damn Empire, if they want somebody killed, I'm sure they'll call." Big Sis deflected.

 

"You sure about that? One of them is a drunk that's been sandbagging on her duties since she became Emperor's Wrath, and the other is probably clinically insane, if not criminally insane." Mako explained.

 

"I don't understand the negative connotations of that."

 

"Of being a lush or a psychopath?" Mako asked.

 

"The 'criminally insane' part. Most of my family is 'criminally insane.' I prefer to think of it as 'criminally successful.'" Big Sis explained.

 

"Whatever. What the hell are you watching anyways?" Mako asked.

 

"Japanese psycho thrillers." Big Sis shoved a handful of popcorn in her mouth.

 

"Are they any good?"

 

"Oh yea- Hey wait, SKADGE! Skadge, get in here! This dude is about to get his eyes gouged out with an ice pick!" Big Sis yelled.

 

"SUP RUNT?" Skadge came in.

 

"Look at this... Oh! Yea! Stab that dude!" Big Sis tipped the popcorn bowl over in her lap but didn't notice.

 

"NICE." Skadge voiced his approval.

 

"See, she's a criminally insane schizophrenic that thinks she's a pop singer, and she's going around murdering all these writers and producers who she thinks are defaming her reputation, but actually she's just a fat chick that used to be a pop singer and now she's an agent, and her alter ego thinks she's the pop singer main character who is her client, who is also enduring neurotic fits of paranoia because a mysterious ice pick murderer is acting on her behalf." Big Sis explained.

 

"And it explains all that?" Mako asked, not enthusiastic about ice pick murder.

 

"Oh hell no, its a total trip. You have to watch it like 3 or 4 times to get it all. The director ****s with your head."

 

"I don't think I'm interested." Mako shrugged and left the room.

 

"Hey wait... Mako! MAKO!" Big Sis yelled.

 

"What?" Mako shouted back.

 

"See if you can figure out a way to rig up the high energy gas cylinder to fire ice picks out of a gauntlet."

 

 

MEANWHILE, IN REPUBLIC SPACE

 

"I can't believe you were flirting with that Balkar guy while we were on an important mission." Jorgan huffed.

 

"I can't believe he didn't throw me down on the table and ravish me right there in front of the whole bar." Havoc1 replied.

 

"WHAT?" Jorgan's eyes went wide.

 

"JEALOUS?" Havoc1 laughed.

 

"I'm not jealous. It's just that we were on an important mission-"

 

"That totally got accomplished because we're

." Havoc1 replied. "Hey Ripley, don't worry, me and my squad of ultimate bad asses will protect you."

 

"That's hardly the point-"

 

"Hold on I'm not done yet. M1-4X, WHO WILL MY TEAM OF ULTIMATE BAD ASSES PROTECT?"

 

"Ripley, sir!" Forex replied.

 

"That's right. And what weapons are you equipped with to make sure that your mission objective is achieved?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"State of the Bad *** Art! Sonic-electronic ball breakers! Nukes! Knives! Sharp sticks! All provided at extreme expense to Republic taxpayers!" Forex replied.

 

"I ****in' love that robot. One of these days I'm going to modify him into a power loader, and fight an acklay with him." Havoc1 sighed.

 

"I'd just appreciate it if you didn't flirt with your contacts while you're on the mission, sir." Jorgan rolled his eyes.

 

"You're valuable advice is noted sergeant. You wouldn't mind if I called him up while I wasn't on a mission though, right?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"That... Would... Be... Fine." Jorgan replied through his teeth.

 

"Good, because I invited him to the ship for tea and crumpets." Havoc1 explained.

 

"We don't have tea or crumpets in the galley, sir." Jorgan replied.

 

"I know. I was going to put something else on the menu for our little picnic. And a picnic blanket. For the holoterminal. The surface is a little cold for bare skin." Havoc1 grinned.

 

"ON THE HOLOTERMINAL? SIR!" Jorgan fumed.

 

"Yea, you and Elara might want to go find something to do on Coruscant or something, I intend to put this ship through field trials. Unless of course, someone wants to admit that they're jealous..." Havoc1 shrugged.

 

"Not... Jealous... Sir... Your off duty time is your... Business... Sir." Jorgan grinded his teeth.

[Doozzer]

TUESDAY MAINTENANCE CROSSOVER BONANZA

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

 

Servant One: What's going on here?

Servant Two: No idea.

Servant One: Holo's ringing.

Servant Two: Someone should pick that up...

 

"My lord, urgent holocall on line 1 for you." Malavai Quinn beeped over the intercom.

 

"Tell them to call back when I give a damn, or if they're like The Emperor himself or something." The Wrath crunched down on a barbecue potato chip.

 

"My lord, I do believe Grand Master Satele Shan qualifies as a 'something.'" Quinn replied.

 

The Wrath thought briefly about getting off the couch, putting on her clothing, and maybe entertaining the concept of contributing to the empire, or at least representing it in front of the final boss of all Jedi.

Huh? No I didn't.

 

The Wrath continued to sit on the couch in her underwear with a bowl of barbecue potato chips in her lap, with half a six pack of cheap Huttese beer sitting next to the holoterminal remote.

 

"Whatever. Patch Grand Master Tight Panties through." The Wrath commanded.

 

"Greetings Wrath, I- Oh wow. When you Sith fall you really fall far. Should I call back another time?" Satele Shan started after looking at the Wrath.

 

"Huh?" The Wrath rubbed grease on her undershirt. "Oh this? Yea. Not my proudest moment. I've got a little bit of a rakghoul outbreak in my panties if you know what I mean. Kind of taking it easy."

 

"Rakghoul outbreak? So that was you on Tatooine?" Shan accused.

 

"Something happened on Tatooine? No. I meant my period. I haven't left my ship all week. Why, what's happening on Tatooine? Are people actually pvping or something?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Well its over. So don't worry about it. I suppose I should thank you for not getting involved." Shan explained.

 

"Don't thank me. Thank Aunt Flow." The Wrath grimaced.

 

"Aunt who?"

 

"Don't you jedi have any innuendos for anything?" The Wrath asked.

 

"No, when we're on the job we're pretty much humorless killjoys. Its in the Jedi Employee Handbook. Anyways, we need to talk." Satele Shan said.

 

"You have exactly 22 minutes before a Miami Vice marathon comes on, then my time belongs to Edward James Olmos." The Wrath replied.

 

"You'd cut me off to watch reruns of retro cop drama?" Shan fumed.

 

"That's ADMIRAL cop drama rerun ADAMA. SO. SAY. WE. ALL." The Wrath grinned. "Anyways, what do you want? I'm not moving off this couch, so don't ask me to another dinner date. Also, please never give me tequila again. Even as a good will gesture."

 

"Noted. Its about our trust issues, and the recent incapacitation of Battlemaster Chris, who'd be a war hero right now, if he wasn't out the first week of 1.2 with a hip injury." Shan explained.

 

"Still kind of bent on that one huh? I don't know what you want me to do about that, tie Jaesa down to the bed? Make her take a cold shower?" The Wrath suggested.

 

"Jaesa and Chris are their own business. For now. I'm struggling to establish your credibility. I still need proof that it wasn't some sort of master manipulation on your part." Shan explained. Again.

 

"If I wasn't about to watch Edward James Olmos kick *** all over Miami for the next 4 hours, I'd be wounded by your lack of faith." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"Your apathy isn't earning you any points. But I decided, as a Jedi, that I was too close to the issue. So I'm going to call upon the testimony of an outside perspective. Someone I can believe without bias."

 

"Oh yea, who did you have in mind? A hutt?" The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"I called in a favor from General Garza. Maybe you know her, she's the grandmother of Republic Spec Force. She has a candidate for me." Satele grinned.

 

"General Garza looks pretty good for her age, I'll give her that." The Wrath capitulated.

 

"I'm glad you think so, but she's not who I'm sending. You should consider yourself privileged, you're getting Havoc Squad."

 

"Didn't those guys defect to my team?" The Wrath asked, confused.

 

"That's still under wraps in the Republic and I'll thank you not to spread it around. This is new, treason-free Havoc Squad." Shan grimaced.

 

"Wait, so I'm babysitting another one of your Republic ******es? I'm out of girls on this ship. I can't play matchmaker for any more of your people, why don't you guys just push a motion through the Senate and put a sex ed class in the Jedi Academy, then I wouldn't have to go batting cleanup for all your plugged-up Jedi trying to get to second base." The Wrath spat.

 

"Well, then you'll be happy to know that Havoc's CO is a woman." Shan returned.

 

"So what do you want me to do then, get the quilts and needles out and have a good old fashioned stitch-n-*****?"

 

"I want you to allow her on your ship for an afternoon. Just long enough for her to observe your character and make a sound judgment about you."

 

"Am I the only who thinks this is a stupid idea and a tragic waste of time? Did I mention I'm on my period? Look, I'm sitting on a couch eating bbq chips and watching 80s cops shows, I'm not really in a state to lead any Jedi to ruin. Do we have to do this right now?" The Wrath shrugged.

 

"Well, if I -ahem- knew you were indisposed with your monthly visit, I might have cut you a break, but there's a bit of a scheduling issue..." Shan mumbled.

 

"Sir, Enemy ship on the scope, BT-7 Thunderclap, Republic tags- Nostromo." Quinn interjected over the intercom.

 

"Dammit, that's her isn't it?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Mmmm-hmm. I did you a favor. So how about you do this favor for me?" Shan replied.

 

The Wrath let out a long, drawn out sigh. "Fine. Then we're square."

 

"We'll see if we're square after she submits her report." Shan hung up the holo.

 

"Sir, Republic ship is hailing us for docking procedure. Orders?" Quinn screeched over the intercom.

 

"Let em in, it's a house party." The Wrath groaned. "PIERCE! Go get the door while you're at it."

 

 

 

Lieutenant Pierce hit the airlock release, nearly crapped his pants, and then drew his gun.

 

Sergeant Jorgan did roughly the same thing.

 

"Sir! Its Havoc Squad! The Republic's best! We're being boarded!" Pierce shouted.

"Sir! It's Imperial Black Ops! Empire's best! We're being boarded!" Jorgan shouted.

 

Between the two of them, nobody had any idea what they were saying.

 

"Huh?" The Wrath mumbled.

"What?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Its a trap!" Both men shouted simultaneously, then met in the middle of the airlock access tunnel and began a ferocious grapple.

 

Vette was watching. "Woah, that's kind of hot. Are you guys gonna make out?"

 

"What? No!" They both replied simultaneously.

 

"Stop doing that!" They both shouted at each other.

 

Havoc1 stepped over the twisted pile of wrestling men and extended her hand to shake Vette's. "Hi. This was a diplomatic mission. Or something. Are you the Wrath?"

 

"No I'm just the galaxy's cutest twi'lek. The Wrath's on the couch in her underwear drinking beer and watching tv." Vette explained.

 

"Really?" Havoc1 looked incredulous.

 

"On her period. It happens." Vette shrugged.

 

"Oh. Should I... go?" Havoc1 looked down at Pierce and Jorgan, still wrestling on the floor.

 

"Screw it, you're already here, right?" Vette led Havoc1 into the common area.

 

"Don't get up because of me." Havoc1 said.

 

"That's good, because I won't." The Wrath spoke into her beer can. "So uh... want one?"

 

Havoc1 looked briefly around the ship. Miami Vice was on the holo. The couch was covered in alcohol and junk food in various states of imbibing or consumption, and dirty laundry was hanging from the bulkhead. She looked back into the airlock where Jorgan and Pierce were still tangling on the floor, then back at the holo.

 

"Holy ****, is that Edward James Olmos?" She asked. "Gimme that beer!"

 

"Hell yea it is!" The Wrath threw her a can enthusiastically.

 

"I ****in love Battlestar Galactica. I am so down with anything E.J.O." Havoc1 brushed some crumbs off a cushion and sat down.

 

"Is your buddy okay?" The Wrath asked.

 

"He'll beat your boy eventually when he hacks up a hairball on him and they decide its mutually too disgusting to continue. I had to clean my shower with a pulse cannon." Havoc1 explained.

 

"Is that a Republic Spec Force thing?"

 

"No, its a Cathar thing. Hey, is that guy single?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Off limits honey, he's mine." Vette interjected.

 

"What a taco party. I was hoping your ship would be full of hot imperial guys in tight uniform pants with cute asses." Havoc1 took a long drag of her beer.

 

"That department is my boyfriend." The Wrath grinned. "Woah! Pace yourself!"

 

"What? You've got more beer, right?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Oh. Well yea, of course. Hey, why the hell do I have to bring all the hot guys anyways? What's wrong with the boy you brought?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Eh. He's the Devoted to Duty type. Maybe someday I'll date him, if he ever gets his pecker out of his pants and admits to himself that pleasing his woman is more important than his job." Havoc1 crushed her empty.

 

"You know what? I think we're going to be friends." The Wrath nodded.

[Anysao]

TUESDAY MAINTENANCE CROSSOVER BONANZA

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

 

"Mmmm-hmm. I did you a favor. So how about you do this favor for me?" Shan replied.

 

The Wrath let out a long, drawn out sigh. "Fine. Then we're square."

 

"We'll see if we're square after she submits her report." Shan hung up the holo.

 

"Sir, Republic ship is hailing us for docking procedure. Orders?" Quinn screeched over the intercom.

 

"Let em in, it's a house party." The Wrath groaned. "PIERCE! Go get the door while you're at it."

 

 

 

Lieutenant Pierce hit the airlock release, nearly crapped his pants, and then drew his gun.

 

Sergeant Jorgan did roughly the same thing.

 

"Sir! Its Havoc Squad! The Republic's best! We're being boarded!" Pierce shouted.

"Sir! It's Imperial Black Ops! Empire's best! We're being boarded!" Jorgan shouted.

 

Between the two of them, nobody had any idea what they were saying.

 

"Huh?" The Wrath mumbled.

"What?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Its a trap!" Both men shouted simultaneously, then met in the middle of the airlock access tunnel and began a ferocious grapple.

 

Vette was watching. "Woah, that's kind of hot. Are you guys gonna make out?"

 

"What? No!" They both replied simultaneously.

 

"Stop doing that!" They both shouted at each other.

 

Havoc1 stepped over the twisted pile of wrestling men and extended her hand to shake Vette's. "Hi. This was a diplomatic mission. Or something. Are you the Wrath?"

 

"No I'm just the galaxy's cutest twi'lek. The Wrath's on the couch in her underwear drinking beer and watching tv." Vette explained.

 

"Really?" Havoc1 looked incredulous.

 

"On her period. It happens." Vette shrugged.

 

"Oh. Should I... go?" Havoc1 looked down at Pierce and Jorgan, still wrestling on the floor.

 

"Screw it, you're already here, right?" Vette led Havoc1 into the common area.

 

"Don't get up because of me." Havoc1 said.

 

"That's good, because I won't." The Wrath spoke into her beer can. "So uh... want one?"

 

Havoc1 looked briefly around the ship. Miami Vice was on the holo. The couch was covered in alcohol and junk food in various states of imbibing or consumption, and dirty laundry was hanging from the bulkhead. She looked back into the airlock where Jorgan and Pierce were still tangling on the floor, then back at the holo.

 

"Holy ****, is that Edward James Olmos?" She asked. "Gimme that beer!"

 

"Hell yea it is!" The Wrath threw her a can enthusiastically.

 

"I ****in love Battlestar Galactica. I am so down with anything E.J.O." Havoc1 brushed some crumbs off a cushion and sat down.

 

"Is your buddy okay?" The Wrath asked.

 

"He'll beat your boy eventually when he hacks up a hairball on him and they decide its mutually too disgusting to continue. I had to clean my shower with a pulse cannon." Havoc1 explained.

 

"Is that a Republic Spec Force thing?"

 

"No, its a Cathar thing. Hey, is that guy single?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Off limits honey, he's mine." Vette interjected.

 

"What a taco party. I was hoping your ship would be full of hot imperial guys in tight uniform pants with cute asses." Havoc1 took a long drag of her beer.

 

"That department is my boyfriend." The Wrath grinned. "Woah! Pace yourself!"

 

"What? You've got more beer, right?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Oh. Well yea, of course. Hey, why the hell do I have to bring all the hot guys anyways? What's wrong with the boy you brought?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Eh. He's the Devoted to Duty type. Maybe someday I'll date him, if he ever gets his pecker out of his pants and admits to himself that pleasing his woman is more important than his job." Havoc1 crushed her empty.

 

"You know what? I think we're going to be friends." The Wrath nodded.

 

MORE! I NEED MORE!!! ITS HILARIOUS!!!

 

(Havoc1 gettign hammered is ALMOST as good as satele getting hammered.)

Edited April 27, 2012 by Anysao

[RepublicGurl]

Hahaha! Love the girl bonding. I could see something like that happening if conditions are *just* right.

[Percy_CN]

You are a writing god. There are few fan fictions that make me laugh this hard.

[Doozzer]

AFTER ACTION REPORT

They mostly come at night, mostly.

Filed by Lieutenant Havoc One, commanding officer, Havoc Squadron.

 

 

 

 

Hailed Imperial Fury class ship callsign "Turbo Lover" at 18:21 hours. Docking protocol was engaged without incident.

 

Boarded "Turbo Lover" at 18:32, was confronted by Imperial Black Ops at the door. Sergeant Jorgan immediately started catfight resulting in homoerotic wrestling display. Recommend commendation for bravery. Would have preferred to see both combatants without their body armor, bystander twi'lek agrees.

 

Acquired target "Emperor's Wrath." Target was in an agitated but ultimately docile state, immobilized by PMS. Target judged to be unarmed and no immediate threat to person, wearing underwear and possibly also croc sandals.

 

Secondary targets appeared to be equally docile. Sergeant Jorgan eventually succeeded in neutralizing black ops threat after protracted melee resulting in hairball assault. Sexual harassment suit for unsoldierly conduct was threatened by black ops, however it is my belief that humiliation and grief will keep him from admitting it ever actually happened.

 

Secondary target twi'lek designation 'Vette' appears whiny and arrogant, but ultimately harmless kleptomaniac and probable sexual deviant.

 

Secondary target Talz designation 'Broonmark' completely unmatched by SIS dossier. Reprimand intelligence immediately. Subject displayed no antisocial or criminally insane behavior. Spent entire visit in cargo bay reading Nietzsche and listening to Beethoven while smoking tobacco pipe.

 

Secondary target 'Jaesa' not acquired. Suspected to be on date with Jedi knight.

 

 

Target behavior appeared normal until 22:00 hours, at which point Target was 7 beers deep and Aliens came on the classic movie channel, After which Target insisted that I "teach her how to shoot a Smart Gun." And that I "Let her try on my GI Joe armor."

 

As I had been matching the target beer-for-beer and my judgment was in question, I complied. Recommend commendation for extreme bravery to Sergeant Jorgan, who repeatedly told me it was a bad idea and that I was drunk, despite being ordered to "Shut the hell up and go deuce in a catbox" dozens of times.

 

After locking Sergeant Jorgan in the medbay and threatening to court martial him for "being a killjoy" Target and I decided it would be fun to re-enact scenes from Aliens. This was after a fresh case of boxed wine was opened, and the Target and I were passing the plastic pouch full of liquor back and forth and drinking straight from the spigot.

 

After securing duct tape and empty pizza boxes from the cargo area, I ordered M1-4X to the scene and we immediately began modifying him into a power loader. Target then begged/bargained certain acts of oral sex to be named later with her boyfriend to dress up as a 'sexy alien' using a combination of black stockings, assorted fetishwear, and pillows, and we then took turns riding Forex and wrestling the 'alien queen.'

 

Offered to trade Target a case of beer for a night with her cute boyfriend, however Target declined, citing that there was still plenty of booze in the fridge.

 

After waking up on the couch the next morning, recovering certain items of clothing and Republic property, tearing the duct tape off of Forex and liberating Sergeant Killjoy from the medbay, I deemed it improbable that the Target was in any faculty a strategically capable mind, or for that manner, any kind of strategic asset to the Empire, at all. It is this lieutenant's belief that Target "Emperor's Wrath" currently represents a significant drain on the Empire's resources, and is absolutely no threat to anyone while under an advanced stage of inebriation, which by the contents of her fridge, appears to be more often than not. It is this lietuenant's recommendation that trade tariffs on all alcoholic beverages be relaxed throughout Republic space, in order to make significant and immobilizing imbibement more likely in the event of Imperial aggression.

 

Any seemingly strategically significant decisions made by the Target against the Republic are the result of circumstance and incredible blind luck, and Target has failed to report to any major conflict or flashpoint in the past 3 months.

 

Also, I'm going to the gym with her on friday.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"So you filed a report that said I was a drunk idiot, right?" The Wrath asked.

 

"I think the words I used were ' improbable that the Target was in any faculty a strategically capable mind.'" Havoc1 replied.

 

"That's military jargon for 'stupid' right?" The Wrath nodded.

 

"Yea, pretty much." Havoc1 answered.

 

"See, it works perfectly. Shan knows I'm a lush, she's seen me drunk. Your report will corroborate it. Then, the Republic Senate, thinking that everyone in the Imperial chain of command is a bunch of drunk idiots because of my example, will lower booze prices across the galaxy, and we'll get drunker cheaper!" The Wrath conspired.

 

"That does sound kind of stupid when I think about it." Havoc1 griped.

 

"Stupid like a fox! If it works, we can get a case of beer for under 10 bucks! If it doesn't, Satele Shan gets off my back. Either way, everybody wins!" The Wrath explained.

 

"And how many hot uniformed guys did you say you were going to provide again?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"I have to make some calls. I think I can get like 6. There's a ton of hunks in Imperial Intelligence. I heard they were all James Bondy and great seducers and stuff." The Wrath counted on her fingers.

 

"Well, they can seduce me as much as they want as long as they call back. Send me some headshots. See you friday, Darth Drunky."

 

"Later, A-cup."

[Kalterien]

You sir, have made my morning more awesome.

[JAVAjedi]

Secondary target Talz designation 'Broonmark' completely unmatched by SIS dossier. Reprimand intelligence immediately. Subject displayed no antisocial or criminally insane behavior. Spent entire visit in cargo bay reading Nietzsche and listening to Beethoven while smoking tobacco pipe.

 

ROFL - that just made my day!

[Doozzer]

"Holy crap! We have 20k views!" The Wrath exclaimed.

 

"Is that alot?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"20k of anything is kind of a lot, but pageviews for a fanfic thread? that's apocalyptic." The Wrath explained.

 

"I guess I am pretty great." Havoc1 nodded.

 

"You? Come on! You were only here for like the last 2 thousand or so." The Wrath grimaced.

 

"Psh. Doubting the epic sexiness of my Zabrak facial tatts I see. You know the boys love them." Havoc1 jeered.

 

"Oh yea, what's you're boyfriend's name again?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Mr. Right... Now." Havoc1 responded.

 

"That's right A-Cup, stand to the side while the queen takes her throne." The Wrath insisted.

 

"Whatever, Freckles."

 

"What the hell does that jigsaw on your face mean anyways?"

 

"Rite of passage. Represents significant events in my life. Zabrak cultural thing." Havoc1 explained.

 

"Do all of them mean something?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Yep."

 

"Even the tramp stamp I saw in the locker room at the gym?" The Wrath asked.

 

"YOU SAW THAT ONE?"

 

"Was I not supposed too?"

 

"I... Thought I had a towel over that. That one's kind of intimate." Havoc1 blushed.

 

"Do tell." The Wrath chided.

 

"No way."

 

"Come on... We've got 20k views, and you won't tell the audience about your skanky tats? You owe the audience."

 

"WHAT? They get to know that? What kind of horrible fan fiction is this?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Sweetheart, they know everything about my relationship. Just wait till you get a boyfriend, then you'll really be in trouble." The Wrath explained.

 

"Psh. I'm not gonna get a boyfriend. I'm gonna get a bunch of hot guys and make my ship a floating man-harem."

 

The Wrath rolled her eyes. "Yea, I tried barking up that tree. The damn narrator won't give me a break."

 

"Dammit."

 

"So come on, spill it. What's the tattoo above your *** mean?" The Wrath asked.

 

"It's a traditional tat worn by ranch hands on the Zabrak homeworld." Havoc1 explained.

 

"Is that like a thing there?"

 

"Hell no. My daddy was in the army and I was an army brat. I've never seen a horse in my life." Havoc1 explained.

 

"So then why would you have a tat above your *** that means cowgirl?" The Wrath asked. "Oh."

 

"Understand?"

 

"Yup. That's trashy." The Wrath giggled.

 

"So what do you want to do since we got 20k views? Havoc1 asked.

 

"Get drunk and watch CHiPs reruns." The Wrath answered.

 

"Sounds good. What are the readers gonna do?"

 

 

 

THANKS FOR 20K EVERYONE!

[kaytahn]

And thank you for the sweet entertainment.

[Yescek]

[Doozzer]

 

I don't mean to rain on your parade Yesek, but this is what people who have been doing MMO pvp for years refer to as a "bad video."

 

Cardinal Sin #1- You play close in the third person with awful situational awareness. You need to be zoomed out more often, it establishes better combat control and helps the narrative, so the viewer knows you're actually picking good targets. What you filmed was '5 minutes of red blur.'

 

Cardinal Sin #2- You don't show off your tools. There's an expectation in serious pvp vids that you pop your character/talent panel so the viewer can see what you're working with for reference.

 

Cardinal Sin #3- THE ONE YOU'RE GOING TO HELL FOR. There is only one sin that will cause Satan to burst through the ground, ripping a new ******e in all of creation, pull himself bodily up into the realm of mortals and start kicking teeth in and swallowing souls, and you're totally guilty of it. You never, ever, ever edit out deaths. If someone outplays you or you make a mistake, you have to show it. The pvp video author has no credibility if all he makes is a highlight reel, and you cut to a new scene every time your health drops to 10%. This more than anything will put a black mark on your record as a pvp vid author, and was established back in ye olden WoW days in 2004 when people started theorycrafting pvp seriously.

[Yescek]

I don't mean to rain on your parade Yesek, but this is what people who have been doing MMO pvp for years refer to as a "bad video."

 

Cardinal Sin #1- You play close in the third person with awful situational awareness. You need to be zoomed out more often, it establishes better combat control and helps the narrative, so the viewer knows you're actually picking good targets. What you filmed was '5 minutes of red blur.'

 

Cardinal Sin #2- You don't show off your tools. There's an expectation in serious pvp vids that you pop your character/talent panel so the viewer can see what you're working with for reference.

 

Cardinal Sin #3- THE ONE YOU'RE GOING TO HELL FOR. There is only one sin that will cause Satan to burst through the ground, ripping a new ******e in all of creation, pull himself bodily up into the realm of mortals and start kicking teeth in and swallowing souls, and you're totally guilty of it. You never, ever, ever edit out deaths. If someone outplays you or you make a mistake, you have to show it. The pvp video author has no credibility if all he makes is a highlight reel, and you cut to a new scene every time your health drops to 10%. This more than anything will put a black mark on your record as a pvp vid author, and was established back in ye olden WoW days in 2004 when people started theorycrafting pvp seriously.

 

I suppose it's a good thing that the vid wasn't meant to be serious then. I've got a couple more serious one up, though they're both still guilty of #'s 1 and 2. I appreciate the tips; that was the whole reason I posted that. I sure as hell won't get good feedback like that from my server forums.

[Doozzer]

well, the fact of the matter is, the best pvp videos ever made were Achtung Duskwood and the Serenity Now funeral crash. All other pvp vids live in their shadows.

 

[Paperhearts]

Oh, the funeral crash... back in the day where world pvp was still a thing...

 

Also the story is fantastic. I'm distressed there is not more of it.

[Doozzer]

THURSDAY AFTERNOON WEIRD SEX CROSSOVER

 

 

 

Servant One: The Wrath was on the holo with her galpal Havoc1.

Servant Two: Talking about boys!

Servant One: Yuck.

Servant Two: Oh come on. You don't think women talk about sex the way men do?

Servant One: I dunno.

Servant Two: Really?

Servant One: Well, I guess they do.

Servant Two: No, they don't. They're actually way worse.

Servant One: Oh, and you know that how?

Servant Two: I have friends that are women.

Servant One: What, like *** hags?

Servant Two: Hey that reminds me, that gaydar is still sitting in the cargo bay.

Servant One: We don't need to go there.

Servant Two: You don't need to call my ladyfriends *** hags, captain closet.

Servant One: Look, its going to be a boring episode. Chicks just talk about stuff like fashion and celebrity gossip. They're boring.

 

 

"So I don't give a damn about fashion or celebrity gossip." Havoc1 was saying.

 

"You don't care about fashion? But you're so thin and pretty. You'd look really good in one of Vette's little black dresses. She's about your size." The Wrath insisted.

 

"Psh. I like the uniform. Besides, what have I got to show off?" Havoc1 deflected.

 

"Honey, just because you can't break a B cup on the most pregnant day of your life doesn't mean you don't have nothing to work with. You've got a pretty rockin pair of hips." The Wrath explained.

 

"Do guys notice that?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"You're the one who has 'cowgirl' printed across your ***, you tell me." The Wrath jeered.

 

"I suppose you're right. I dunno. Maybe this weekend. You got a date for me?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Uhm... did you even check your email? Look at the Solokcupid link I sent you." The Wrath insisted.

 

"Hold on let me pull it up... Oh wow. He's totally a hottie. I am gonna make that boy happy to be alive if he walks into my gunsights." Havoc1 replied.

 

"Easy, sweetheart- That's Cipher 9, Imperial Intelligence. Those guys don't mess around. He's a professional seducer." The Wrath explained.

 

"I wanna be seduced!" Havoc1 returned.

 

"Well yea, I do too, but I want to be seduced, and then called back. I'd hate to be seduced just once, you know." The Wrath said.

 

"Huh?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"I just don't want you to get hurt, hun. Love is a battlefield and stuff." The Wrath explained.

 

"Love is a battlefield? Seriously? **** that noise. I'm Republic spec force. My *********** guns have guns on them and I'm wearing heavy armor. What's he gonna bring to the table, one of those Imperial standard issue czerka garbage rifles? Bring it. I was the only girl in my class in the academy, I know what locker room dialog sounds like, hot boys don't scare me." Havoc1 huffed.

 

"Whatever. You want me to put a call into intelligence? I've kind of got a lot of pull in the Empire as the Emperor's Wrath. I get to pass Go and collect 200 dollars and stuff around here." The Wrath asked.

 

"Do you have enough pull to make him show up to my door wearing nothing but a bowtie and a rose between his teeth and a case of beer under one arm and a roll of condoms under the other?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Wow. You don't pull any punches, huh?" Wrath asked.

 

"That's how we do in Havoc squad."

 

"So What kind of date you want to go on? Should I have him sent to Nar Shaddaa or something?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Just get him somewhere I can fire a concussive round at him, I'll take care of the rest." Havoc1 replied.

 

"What?"

 

"You know, that kinetic round that I shoot at people to knock them out." Havoc1 explained.

 

"Why are you gonna try to give him a concussion?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Because I want to tie him up and put him in my cargo hold, and interrogate him." Havoc1 explained.

 

"..."

 

"And then he seduces me and escapes. But you know, we probably have really hot sex while he's tied to the chair or something." Havoc1 explained.

 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" The Wrath asked.

 

"What? Is that weird? Everyone always says that Imperial Intelligence are these epic womanizing seducers, I want to see if one of them can get out of a bind like that. Is that like a creepy fetish thing?" Havoc1 replied.

 

"Hold on. Let me ask Vette. If she thinks its hot, then its definitely a creepy fetish thing." The Wrath explained.

 

"Huh?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Hold on... Yea, VETTE! Yea... sex with a tied up guy... No its not like a BDSM thing... Like if he's James Bond, and she's a female guard or something... Huh? REALLY? You can't be serious. That much?" The Wrath said, having two conversations at once.

 

"Well?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Vette says that kind of fantasy will run you about 2,000 credits in a Nar Shaddaa slave brothel." The Wrath explained.

 

"ITS NOT A FANTASY!" Havoc1 squealed. "I REALLY WANNA SEE IF HE CAN DO IT! It's like science... Or something."

 

"Its kind of creepy." The Wrath replied.

 

"Nuh-uh! It's totally hot. Like that one scene in Goldeneye when James Bond and the Russian chick are like half-fighting, half-foreplay." Havoc1 explained.

 

"Doesn't James Bond pull a gun on her at the end of that scene?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Well yea... But I've got bigger guns than anyone so I feel pretty good about my odds." Havoc1 answered.

 

"Whatever. Weirdo." The Wrath replied.

 

"Come on. You still have to hook me up. You promised!" Havoc1 begged.

 

"Fine. Just don't turn this thing into some kind of political incident, ok?"

 

"You're not my mommy, General Garza." Havoc1 replied.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Nothing. Just to tell me where to be for cocktails." Havoc1 insisted.

 

 

 

 

 

LATER THAT NIGHT

 

 

 

 

"Holy crap. I can't believe that actually worked. You really are that good." Havoc1 sighed.

 

"Well, I told you I needed 2 hands free for that trick." Cipher 9 shrugged.

 

"And it was the best trick I ever experienced. I don't even regret that I'm handcuffed to the bulkhead now." Havoc1 replied.

 

"Well, you did incapacitate me and abduct me. I sort of had to assume your intentions were... military." Cipher 9 apologized. "By the way, which way to the escape pod? You're very charming, but I've got some things I need to do and..."

 

"Ah come on. Stay the night. I'll make it worth it for you." Havoc1 asked.

 

"You were very special for me. If it was any other occassion..."

 

"You probably say that to all the girls. Come on, you wouldn't leave a naked girl handcuffed in her own cargo hold, would you?" Havoc1 pleaded.

 

"Not unless I had already had sex with her, no." Cipher 9 replied.

 

"Crap. Can you at least teach me that awesome judo throw sometime then?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"The one I used when you uncuffed me, or the one I used when I was changing positions from-"

 

"Both."

 

"Maybe. Another time." Cipher 9 shrugged.

 

"There's never going to be another time, is there?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"Spies never say never, my dear." Cipher 9 grinned.

 

"Don't tease a handcuffed girl. In her own handcuffs. I apologize for that by the way, had I known how uncomfortable this is I would have gotten the fur-lined ones."

 

"Don't apologize- The cold steel is so much more authentic. It's something that needs to be appreciated. By the way, the restraining bolt I put on your protocol droid will deactivate in about 20 minutes, then he'll be able to help you out of that, I imagine." Cipher 9 explained. "Until we meet again... You were a gracious host."

 

"You'll call me, right?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"I'm very busy, but if I had the time I would rendezvous with you again." Cipher 9 said diplomatically.

 

"Don't ******** me. I had a little chat with some friends in SIS while you were comatose in the chair. I've read your dossier." Havoc1 explained.

 

"Oh?" Cipher 9 raised an eyebrow. "And what did they have to say?"

 

"They said you were going to take me out for drinks on friday." Havoc1 grinned.

 

"Your sexual aggression and persistence is the heart of your charm. I wish I met more women like you in my line of work." Cipher 9 turned to leave.

 

"Onomatophobia. You'll call me at 8 on friday." Havoc1 grinned.

 

"I'll call you at 8 for drinks on friday. DAMMIT!" Cipher 9 replied.

 

"Escape pod's 2 doors down on the left. See you friday."

[lilydaylocke]

THIS

 

... is the best thing I have ever found on the entire internets.

[Anysao]

Was reading this over lunch. I nearly laughed out a sandwhich.

 

Good to see the servants back again! Been awhile.

 

Ps- havoc1 sketches made me go back to the republic. Thanks a lot.

[Kalterien]

I had a crummy crummy Tuesday, this has made my Wednesday all the more epic. Thank you.

[Doozzer]

"Sir, we're back from our diplomacy missions, Sgt Dorne crit and got us more of that epic stuff for the reusable medpacs." Aric Jorgan yelled through the common room as he boarded the Nostromo.

 

"WE WERE SUCCESSFUL IN OUR MISSION AGAINST THE IMPERIALIST AGGRESSORS OF THE EMPIRE SIR." Forex was happy to report.

 

"We didn't actually fight the empire. We just kind of... What did we do? Does anyone even read the crew skill mission prompts?" Jorgan asked, mostly to himself.

 

"WE WERE SUCCESSFUL IN OUR MISSION DEFENDING HUMAN FREEDOM AGAINST COBRA, A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD!" Forex added.

 

"You downloaded the Lieutenant's GI JOE cartoon collection to your hard drive, didn't you, Forex?" Jorgan rolled his eyes.

 

"AFFIRMATIVE. AND TRANSFORMERS AS WELL. I AM FULLY UPDATED WITH ALL INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF HASBRO, INC. PLEASE STAND BY WHILE I TRANSFORM TO DESTROY THE EVIL FORCES OF THE DECEPTICONS." Forex demanded.

 

"You're not a *********** autobot, and I'm disconnecting your patriot circuit. It's driving me up the wall." Jorgan growled.

 

"Lieutenant? Are you here?" Sgt. Dorne had the presence of mind to ask.

 

"I'M IN THE CARGO HOLD!" Havoc1 shouted back.

 

Aric Jorgan strolled gingerly over to the cargo hold, took one bold step across the threshold, then immediately turned 180 degrees and averted his eyes, blushing like a school child.

 

"Sir, why are you naked and handcuffed to the bulkhead?" He asked.

 

"Because the damn restraining bolt on the protocol droid never deactivated, sergeant." Havoc1 rolled her eyes.

 

"Sir? What... Why?"

 

"That information is on a need-to-know basis, sergeant." Havoc1 sneered.

 

"Should I go get Dorne? She's a woman..." Jorgan replied.

 

"I'm well aware of that, sergeant. Was this your first time noticing I'm a woman as well?" Havoc1 rolled her eyes.

 

"No sir." Jorgan replied.

 

"And you've seen a nude woman before, haven't you sergeant?" Havoc1 sneered.

 

"Yes sir... Just, never my CO, sir." Jorgan admitted.

 

"Are you entertaining any thoughts of taking advantage of me in my compromised position, sergeant?" Havoc1 asked.

 

"SIR! NO SIR! NEVER!" Jorgan was swift to reply.

 

"So you won't admit you have feelings for me then." Havoc1 concluded.

 

"Sir, is this an appropriate time for this conversation?" Jorgan asked.

 

"GEE I DON'T KNOW, ARIC. I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING ANYWHERE. WILL YOU GET OVER YOUR SCHOOLBOY SHAME AND GET OVER HERE AND UNCUFF ME YOU *******? IT'S LIKE 60 *********** DEGREES ON THIS SHIP, MY ******S COULD CUT DURASTEEL." Havoc1 shouted.

 

"Sir... I... noticed, sir." Jorgan hurried to free his CO.

 

"You can touch them, if you like." Havoc1 grinned.

 

"I would never, sir..." Jorgan stuttered, releasing her from the handcuffs.

 

"Yea I know. That's how I wound up handcuffed naked in my own ship in the first place." Havoc1 grumbled.

[MilaniGrey]

Have I ever mentioned how much of a genius you are, Doozz? I've read all 22 pages and now I refresh the page religiously looking for more story entries

[Kalterien]

Have I mentioned that this makes me feel like I'm addicted to crack or some sort of crack-like substance, since I keep coming back every couple of hours looking for more awesome things to read and giggle about?

 

That and thank you so much for continuing to entertain us.

 

More please.

[Eanelinea]

Dude, you have made my day! Oh! Oh! PLEASE have a scene with Cipher 9 and Vector. I know Cipher is a male agent, but you have GOT to have him mention this to Vector cause he is an AWESOME companion! No, I'm not biased just because my Chiss Female Agent married him. >.>

 

I loved this so so so much!!!

[Taalbert]

Holy f'n crap, I only just found this little gem of a thread and read the entire thing, but being a trooper, I am loving the Havoc1 series, need a new laptop now due to spitting my drink out laughing at your latest post. Nice work!

[Doozzer]

Dude, you have made my day! Oh! Oh! PLEASE have a scene with Cipher 9 and Vector. I know Cipher is a male agent, but you have GOT to have him mention this to Vector cause he is an AWESOME companion! No, I'm not biased just because my Chiss Female Agent married him. >.>

 

I loved this so so so much!!!

 

Cipher 9 fell back into his favorite chair with a sigh. "Hhhhhuuuuuh. Women."

 

"Long night? Your aura is fierce." Vector observed.

 

"She used the magic word on me." Cipher 9 shrugged.

 

"Please?" Vector asked.

 

"No."

 

"The secret one that the SIS uses to brainwash you?" Vector observed.

 

"Well she used that one too." Cipher 9 confirmed. "But she used the other magic word."

 

"What other magic word?" Vector asked.

 

"I suppose its not really a word. They don't say it. They never say it, not with their mouths at least. They say it with their eyes." Cipher 9 explained. "And it gets me every time."

 

"I have no concept of which you speak." Vector asked.

 

"Really?"

 

"Perhaps it is akin to the oneness we feel when we are near the Hive." Vector pondered.

 

"Vector, have I ever told you that you're easily the most boring, useless companion in the game and that I feel profound sorrow for anyone who rolls female agent and has you as their romance option?" Cipher 9 observed.

 

"That's the third time you've said that this week."

 

"And its still true."

 

SUDDENLY THE NARRATOR INTRUDED.

Don't mind me, I'm just *********** the hell out of this gloryhole in the fourth wall.

 

Onomatophobia. Agent players will never ask for Vector being included in the story again.