Thursday Morning Wrath

[Dranyari]

"And I didn't evolve all the way up the gosh darn food chain to put eating meat aside on barbecue night just so some frolicking nerf could spend another blissful day grazing on the hinterlands of Voss because he's too stupid to invent blasters and defend himself from predators."

 

...I may or may not have actually used a similar argument once regarding the importance of non-tofu protein as an important part of one's diet.

 

Tofu: acceptable in miso soup, but not in my damned burgers. *firm nod*

 

"What? He is so not my type!" Pierce is all strong and manly and confident and smells like Old Spice and... oh my god you're right I'm totally into him." Vette grabbed Pierce and ran off down the aisle.

 

Huh. I think I have a new 'ship.

 

"THE BEER IS THE OTHER WAY!" The Wrath shouted back at them.

 

Note to self: go to Blanchard's tomorrow for beer and cheap champagne, it's time for another marathon of Star Wars watching accompanied by drinking games.

 

"Then shut up and follow me. You're on boyfriend time." The Wrath grabbed his wrist and started walking fast.

 

*wolf-whistle* You go, girl!

 

In conclusion: This was totally awesome and I have only recently regained my ability to type after falling out of my chair laughing too hard. *showers Doozzer with cookies and cupcakes and beer*

[Doozzer]

THE SITHCAGE, PART 1

Starring the flamboyantly Sithy average female warrior.

 

 

Servant One: THE WRATH WAS HAVING AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WITH JAESA

Servant Two: IT WAS SOME SERIOUS GIRL TALK

Servant One: WE EAVESDROPPED ON IT, NATURALLY.

Servant Two: DO YOU THINK SHE'LL TEACH JAESA HOW TO KISS? OR COMPARE BUST SIZES

Servant One: Wait what?

Servant Two: You know, like at sleepovers.

Servant One: I don't think grown women have sleepovers.

Servant Two: Well, you never know. I mean it would be awesome if they did some kind of girl on girl scene.

Servant One: We don't have the same-sex relationship options in this game yet. You're thinking of Mass Effect 3.

Servant Two: Well, you know, they don't have to be in a relationship to experiment, that doesn't count.

Servant One: Dude, they aren't 16 year old girls. The Wrath has her own ship and a boyfriend. They went grocery shopping. What the hell were you expecting, that they'd roll out their sleeping bags and talk about their periods?

Servant Two: Kind of.

Servant One: Dude, you're totally hopeless.

 

Hey guys, how's it going?

 

Servant One: NOTHING IS GOING. EVERYTHING IS EMPEROR STUFF.

Servant Two: BORING EMPEROR STUFF.

 

How come everytime I show up here you guys act like misbehaving children and tell me nothing is happening?

 

Servant Two: BECAUSE WE'RE STILL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOU KNOWING THAT WE'RE GAY, IS ALL.

Servant One: YES. BECAUSE THAT. YOU HAVE AMAZING TIMING WHEN IT COMES TO WALKING IN ON DUDES.

Servant Two: WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A COUPLES NIGHT AND WATCH PROJECT RUNWAY.

 

Oh. Ok.

 

Servant Two: Which is not a gay show.

 

Huh?

 

Servant Two: Nothing. Go back to your incredibly naughty costco parking lot sex.

Servant One: Dude. She almost heard that.

Servant Two: That's why i said it in lower case. She's gone right?

Servant One: Yea, but why the hell would you risk that?

Servant Two: Hey shut up. Project Runway- Your place or mine?

 

"Master, can I have a word with you in private?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Yea sure. Wait, why do you always hang out in the medbay anyways?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Its... quieter here. Before it was just a place where I liked to meditate, now its pretty much necessary because Vette and Pierce-"

 

"Yea I know. I hear them through the bulkhead at night too. Believe me, if I had known that Twi-leks could scream like that, I never would have hooked them up." The Wrath apologized.

 

"Well, it got me thinking... You have a boyfriend, and Vette has a boyfriend, and Broonmark is a talz." Jaesa started.

 

"Muppet. He's a muppet." The Wrath insisted.

 

"Well, his specific species is Talz." Jaesa corrected.

 

"Nope. Original trilogy rules. All aliens are muppets. We don't do any of that green-screen cheating on this ship, I won't allow it." The Wrath was final.

 

"Well, whatever he is, it doesn't work with a woman, is what I'm trying to say." Jaesa rolled her eyes.

 

"I wouldn't let it into my bed even if it did. Sheds everywhere already, don't need all that hair in my sheets." The Wrath said. "Wait, are you feeling lonely? Because if you're propositioning me for a threesome Jaesa, I'm not like that. I don't like sharing."

 

Jaesa blushed. "No master..."

 

"Stop calling me master! I'm not a freakin' slave owner. I mean I was, but I took the collar off Vette the first opportunity I had. I promise that. Didn't even shock her as much as I should have." The Wrath backpedaled.

 

"Oh. My. God." The Wrath gasped. "I know what this is about. YOU MET A -BOY- didn't you?"

 

"Well, yes." Jaesa was relieved.

 

VETTE GET IN HERE

Hey wait, you can't do that! I told you that was a one time thing!

I'M BUSY! (color customization to make Vette red)

AND SHE CERTAINLY CAN'T SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE FORCE!

Shut up, narrator, I make the rules. Vette, get in here! It's totally important.

I'm kind of... tied up right now?

Vette we are not doing another embarrassing sex episode right now. Tell Pierce to take a rain check, I'll make it up to him.

You mean I'll make it up to him.

Oh well yea, of course. I don't make up anything to him since Malavai and I got serious. Just get in here already.

 

"Are you wearing the shock collar?" The Wrath asked when Vette came into the room.

"Yes." Vette didn't even appear phased.

"Saving that for another episode." The Wrath sighed.

"So what's so important you had to PULL ME OFF my leisure activity?" Vette asked.

That's a sex joke if anyone missed that.

Oh, come on.

She totally was.

That was uncalled for.

You're the one who writes this garbage. I just want everyone to know you're not even trying.

Hey I've got a lot of stuff going on right now ok? Its hard being a writer.

Sounds more like its hard being Pierce, lately.

Pierce is a classy guy that doesn't do freaky stuff in grocery store parking lots like white trash sith lords.

How do you know about that?

I'm the one that writes this garbage. Truce?

Fine.

 

"You owe me 500 credits. Pay up." The Wrath told Vette.

"What? No way." Vette turned redder.

"You guys bet on WHEN I WOULD MEET A GUY?" Jaesa gasped.

 

"It was Vette's idea." The Wrath lied.

HEY IT REALLY WAS VETTE'S IDEA

I'm the one that writes this garbage.

I thought we had a truce?

Just wanted to remind you who has the upper hand in this treaty.

 

"Can we do the Grease thing?" Vette hopped up and down.

 

The Wrath thought for a moment. "Yes. Yes we can."

 

"What the hell are you guys even-" Jaesa started, but was immediately cut off when Vette and the Wrath started singing.

 

TELL ME MORE!

TELL ME MORE!

didya get very far?

 

TELL ME MORE!

TELL ME MORE!

like did he have a car?

 

"Guys, can we be serious for a moment?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Maybe." The Wrath admitted.

 

"Probably not." Vette added.

 

"You're right. We should be drinking. Vette, get us some beers." The Wrath nodded.

 

"What? Make her do it. Its her boyfriend." Vette replied.

 

"Screw it." The Wrath said. She went to the intercom. "Captain, Execute Order 66."

 

"What does that mean?" Jaesa asked.

 

"At once my lord!" Quinn came in over the intercom.

 

"Its part boyfriend training, part imperial officer training." The Wrath explained. "Well, I mean I wrote it into his protocol handbook, and then by imperial edict, he had to observe it."

 

Quinn showed up with beer, bowed, then left.

 

"You have so much to teach us about training men." Vette said. "Is there an Order 69?"

 

"Only during off duty hours, unfortunately. He's still kind of stiff when it comes to all that putting the job first crap." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"So Jaesa, tell us about your new boyfriend." Vette entreated.

 

"Well... That's kind of what I wanted to talk to Mast- I mean the Wrath about, you see, I met him in the Costco when the Wrath sent me away to buy tofu burgers..." Jaesa started.

 

"That she threw out." Vette added.

 

"What?"

 

"Shut up Vette. Jaesa, please continue." The Wrath nodded.

 

"Well he was cute, sensitive, felt the same way I did about animal rights... We really hit it off. I just kind of forgot to tell him one thing when I gave him my holo number." Jaesa sighed.

 

"Which was what?" The Wrath asked.

 

"That you're the most powerful Sith lord in the galaxy whose authority is subject only to the Emperor himself." Jaesa breathed.

 

The Wrath patted Jaesa on the back. "Jaesa, honey. Don't worry. It's not like I don't want you to get laid. You guys are like sisters to me. Just say the word, I'll pull whatever strings I can and we can get him reassigned wherever is easiest for you to get at him. I'll promote him up to your personal cabana boy."

 

"That's oddly comforting, given the circumstances." Jaesa gulped. "But the problem is that... He's kind of a Jedi Knight."

 

Vette spat beer into the kolto tank.

 

The Wrath lost her footing and nearly fell into the kolto tank that Vette spat into.

 

"OH. MY. GOD." The Wrath breathed. Then she hugged Jaesa.

 

"Master, are you... crying?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Wait, you really are crying." Vette added.

 

"You don't understand." The Wrath sobbed. "This is too perfect. I'm so happy. This is even better than the time Quinn and I finally got serious and he took the lead in the bedroom, and that was totally hot."

 

"That actually does sound pretty sexy." Vette shrugged.

 

"No, seriously. You don't understand." The Wrath was crying so hard she had to stop and blow her nose. "Its just that... The Birdcage. Its my favorite movie ever."

 

"

?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Robin Williams and Gene Hackman. Gene has a son that's getting married to a Republican senator's daughter." Vette explained.

 

"So?" Jaesa asked.

 

"The twist is that the senator doesn't know that Gene Hackman and Robin Williams are flamboyant homosexuals, and that they run one of the most popular gay clubs in Miami. The whole movie is about a bunch of gays pretending to act conservative in front of the girl's family, so Gene's son can marry her without making a huge scene." Vette explained.

 

"Its like a dream come true." The Wrath cried.

 

"Wait... You mean... You're not going too..." Jaesa stammered.

 

"Oh I'm doing it for you Jaesa. But really, I'm doing it for me." The Wrath choked back tears.

[Doozzer]

Servant One: THERE'S AN INTENTIONAL MISTAKE IN THAT LAST POST.

Servant Two: BUT YOU'D HAVE TO HAVE SEEN THE BIRDCAGE TO CATCH IT.

 

The hint is "Gene's son."

 

Servant One: CAN YOU FIND IT?

[mousestalker]

Two words:

"Nathan Lane" Gene Hackman is the one with the daughter (and a crooked driver). Robin Williams and Nathan Lane play the gay couple.

[Doozzer]

Ooh! Mousestalker got it. I honestly thought that was going to take a lot longer.

 

You should give the readership more credit, Wrath.

And you should work on getting a job.

 

Are you saying I'm not trying? Because I'm sitting by the phone waiting for that guy from the magazine to call as hard as I can. I don't think I can sit any harder. You know, I've got an idea for a real good Emperor's Wrath story. There's 3 women on your ship. Did you know that you gals give off pheromones that can adjust the timing of your monthly visitor? How would you like to be synchronized with Vette and Jaesa?

 

You wouldn't.

 

Unless I thought it was really funny.

Okay, you win. I hope the guy from the magazine calls.

 

I do too. For your sake. HOSTAGE!

If I ever figure out how to force choke someone through the 4th wall, you're dead, narrator.

Edited March 7, 2012 by Doozzer

[Dranyari]

*just... laughs, and laughs, and laughs*

 

*leaves out more cookies and beer for Doozzer, and falls over laughing again because this thing is fricking genius*

[Rohanshot]

You should probably have some dude sith inquisitor get kicked in the balls by the Wrath and shout:

 

AHH MY HUTBALLS!

AHH MY ARTIFACTS!

AHH MY HOLOCRONS!

[Doozzer]

THE SITHCAGE, PART 2

The suddenly manipulative adventures of an average female Sith warrior.

 

Servant One: THE WRATH WAS TRYING ON NEW PVP GEAR

Servant Two: YOU MEAN WARRIOR SET THAT LOOKS LIKE FETISH GEAR?

Servant One: It is pretty hot.

Servant Two: Eh, if you're into that.

Servant One: You really are gay, aren't you?

Servant Two: What? No!

Servant One: Dude its okay if you're gay. Servant 5 is gay too.

Servant Two: Really?

Servant One: Well obviously. I mean, count all the digits of the Hand of the Emperor. He's the pinky. He's the finger that gets lifted when gays take a sip of their drinks.

Servant Two: You know, not all homosexuals lift their pinkies when they drink.

Servant One: Did you know that from hanging out in a gay bar?

Servant Two: There's not an answer I can give to that question that won't incriminate me, is there?

Servant One: There really isn't.

Servant Two: OH, HELLO THERE WRATH!

 

Sup guys? Doing gay stuff again?

 

Servant One: Not really.

Servant Two: Unless men watching Project Runway counts.

 

That depends, by yourself or with your girlfriend?

 

Servant Two: Well... By yourself.

 

Gay.

 

Servant One: Gay.

 

 

 

"Ok Vette, be brutal. How does this pvp gear look?" The Wrath asked.

 

"You mean like, really be brutal?" Vette shrugged.

 

"Completely honest. No filter. You're the only one I can trust, Jaesa's a little brown-noser and Quinn's to smart to answer any question that could qualify as boyfriend-entrapment." The Wrath explained.

 

"You look like Edward Scissorhands, with *****." Vette said.

 

The Wrath sighed. "It is totally fetishy isn't it?"

 

"You look like you're looking for a bad time worse than I am, and I wear a shock collar in the bedroom." Vette added.

 

"Yea I didn't need to be reminded about that." The Wrath added. "But do my ***** at least look good in it? I mean if I'm gonna be a fetish princess on the battlefield, I might as well rock it, right?"

 

"I guess you could call that damage control. They're nice. Perky." Vette shrugged.

 

"You're not just saying that to make me feel better right?" The Wrath glared.

 

Vette felt her chest. "Oh of course not. I mean why would I be jealous? I'm a life time member of the A-Team."

 

"Pierce doesn't seem to mind." The Wrath added.

 

"Yea they look good. Honest. Is it made of latex or something?" Vette asked.

 

"You know I have no idea? But whatever it is, it sure fits close. I'm total commando in this goofy outfit. I think that's why they give you this little flap in the front and back, to protect you from a cool breeze." The Wrath explained.

 

"Is it at least not that hard to get into? Easy access?" Vette asked.

 

"No, its a royal *****. You sweat in it, and yea, naturally I sweat in it because I kill people in it all day, and it gets all sticky, like you're peeling the wrapper off of a melting chocolate bar. I think they let some Dark Side 5 sadist do the costume design on this one. The boys get the same thing, just without the rubber ****." The Wrath explained.

 

"Shouldn't you be worried about getting out of it soon, then?"

 

"I was thinking of hitting the queue one more time to finish the weekly..." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"Well, you know, Jaesa's boy is gonna be here in like a half hour." Vette replied.

 

"OH MY GOD IS IT THE 7TH? I THOUGHT HE WAS COMING TOMORROW!" The Wrath gasped.

 

"Yea, and you still haven't told most of the crew about the whole 'my boyfriend's a jedi thing.' You probably don't want to be looking like Darth Gimpsuit when he gets here either." Vette added.

 

"Crap! Alright, we gotta go brief the crew and then we'll peel me out of this bondage gear." The Wrath said.

 

"Shouldn't you get out of that now?" Vette asked.

 

"No, I'm going to do the easy part first. Convincing everyone they need to play along. I mean how hard can it be? Everyone is straight and we don't have to teach Nathan Lane to act like a man." The Wrath explained.

 

The Wrath ran to the intercom and summoned everyone except Jaesa to the council room.

 

"Are you sure you don't require me, master?" Jaesa asked.

 

"No, there's probably going to be some kind of wheeling and dealing on your behalf that you wouldn't approve of, so I'm just going to go over your head." The Wrath explained. "And stop calling me master!"

 

"Reporting as ordered." Quinn was first to come in.

 

"What's the job?" Pierce and Broonmark were behind him.

 

"Its about Jaesa. We're doing a favor for her, and its going to require everyone's cooperation." The Wrath explained.

 

"No deal." Pierce crossed his arms. "She's already a wet blanket. Don't owe her any favors."

 

"Which is why we're doing her this favor. Its about this guy. Figure if we can get her a boyfriend, she'll loosen up, be less of a pain in the ***." The Wrath explained.

 

"I'm listening." Pierce nodded.

 

"He's a jedi." The Wrath added.

 

"My Lord, that's treason!" Malavai interjected.

 

"Oh, my precious Quinnie-pie, I was prepared for you to say that. One- You owe me for that little droid scuffle with Darth Baras. Don't think that I hadn't forgotten. Two- I'm the highest authority in the Empire second only to the Emperor himself. I decide what is and isn't treason, and hold on for a second here... Nope, getting Jaesa laid isn't treason. Just wrote it into law. In my brain. With the Force. Three- I'm your girlfriend, which can have a lot more authority than number two, if I decide to go full-***** on this." The Wrath grinned.

 

"So what were you going to do to make me go along with this? I'm not tied to up to you like Quinn is." Pierce sneered.

 

"You're correct, lieutenant." The Wrath sat back in her office chair and put her boots up on the table. "I was counting on the fact that you're casually corrupt and have very little respect for the chain of command in the first place, and I knew you'd be willing to look the other way if the reward was good enough."

 

"What did you have in mind?"

 

"Well, I talked to Vette about it, just to make sure it was okay with her, and you know her sister? The one whose freedom I bought? She's still very grateful to me for that. I thought you might like to go for the family style achievement." The Wrath explained.

 

"You're bluffing." Pierce said.

 

"You're blushing." The Wrath replied. "Which is something you don't often do, its charming. And the Emperor's Wrath never bluffs."

 

Wait, would you?

How many dark side points would I get for doing that?

Probably at least 200. This is starting to go somewhere pretty off the deep end.

Psh. Please. I'm still a Sith Lord. Just because I don't manipulate people all the time, doesn't mean I don't know how. I'll scrub it with Diplomacy later.

You really are evil, you know that?

Only when it comes to people getting between me and my revenge, 80s movies, chocolate cereal, and The Birdcage. But mostly just revenge.

 

"I'm in." Pierce nodded.

 

"My lord, I'm still not very comfortable with what you intend to do here. Letting a Jedi Knight onto our ship, and allowing her to romance Jaesa? I know your methods are often unorthodox, but this is completely insane. Surely you can't be serious." Quinn pleaded.

 

"I am serious. And don't call me Shirley." The Wrath said.

 

Wow. Airplane reference? Very nice.

What did I just say about 80s movies?

 

"I thought you'd be a little harder than that to break, Quinnie-pie. Which is why I put a call into the officer's tailor in Kaas city to deliver a handsome new dress uniform." The Wrath began.

 

"My lord I hardly think such a paltry bribe-" Quinn interjected.

 

"The uniform is for me. White parade dress with softcap, epaulettes, rank and insignia, the works. If you cooperate, I'll wear it around the ship for a week. I'll even fill out a requisition form and put it in your inbox every time I want to have sex." The Wrath finished.

 

"A week?" Malavai gasped.

 

"A whole week. Seven days." The Wrath smiled.

 

"My lord... I..." Malavai stammered.

 

"What did I tell you about embracing your passion? Blah Blah Sith code Blah Blah?" The Wrath added.

 

"My lord, I graciously accept your terms." Malavai choked out. "If you will excuse me, I need to go change my pants."

 

"Dismissed, captain boyfriend. Return to your station after you've cleaned up." The Wrath twirled her hair around her finger.

 

Vette and Broonmark were still standing in the room.

 

"What about him?" Vette pointed at the muppet.

 

"Broonmark, if I decide Jaesa's squeeze is a douche, I'll let you cook him while we find her a better boyfriend." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"You'd really let him serve us human meat?" Vette gasped.

 

"honk brruuuuurrrrruuuuu rrrrrrrrrr***k snuuuuuuruuuuuuuu honk."

(I've been serving you human meat since you were level 44.)

 

"I just don't think about it, honestly. I feel like it somehow wouldn't be any better for my peace of mind if I actually knew what he was saying." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"Well we finished the hard part. Come back to my quarters with me and help me out of this giant rubber tragedy that for some reason has expertise points on it." The Wrath told Vette.

 

"I didn't expect it would actually be that easy. Did you really call my sister and order a uniform from Kaas city?" Vette asked.

 

"Not yet, but I will. It's only a lie if I break my promise right?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Wait. You mean you made up all that psychological, manipulative, blackmail and bribery stuff on the spot?" Vette replied.

 

The Wrath only walked up to Vette, tapped her gently on the nose with her finger, and smiled. "You don't think the Kor'Slugs won the All Sith Girls Volleyball Championship through athleticism and talent, did you?"

 

On their way back to the Wrath's quarters to put on something less Sithy, the Wrath stopped in the medbay, walked in on Jaesa meditating, hugged her unexpectedly, which confused Jaesa greatly, and walked out.

 

Ha! And they say I'm Light Side 5. Still got it, baby!

[greypilgrim]

HIGH larious. Haven't finished, but it's totes bedtime. Also? Gives me something to look forward to tomorrow!

[Doozzer]

Servant One: THE WRATH HAS RECEIVED 1,000 PAGE VIEWS!

Servant Two: THE WRATH IS HUMBLED BY YOUR PATRONAGE.

 

Yea, all two of you. 500 views from Darthramette and 500 views from Cocopants.

 

Servant One: That's not exactly grateful, Wrath.

Servant Two: Yea, what the hell is your damage?

 

Seriously, what is your damage?

 

It's this freaking pvp fetish gear. I still haven't gotten it all off and we're about to start doing Sithcage part 3. I am going to kill whoever designed this gimp suit, and eat my Cocoa Krispies out of their *********** skull.

 

Woah! Rage much?

 

Only enough to get smash to crit.

 

That's not what I meant.

 

I have rashes on my **** from the rubber, I went through a whole bottle of baby powder. My chest looks like a blind clown putting on face paint, and all my body piercings have giant rings around them from the chafing, like somebody put a bulls-eye on all the most sensitive parts of my body. It looks like some kind of road map for virgins. I've never been so angry about anything. I have no idea how Darth Marr can even sit down.

 

I didn't know you had body piercings.

Because I never volunteered it. They're in intimate places.

 

Couldn't you just take them out when you pvp?

 

What? And lose the thrill, let them heal up? Hell no. I love these things. They make sex unbelievable.

 

Don't you think you're being a little unreasonable?

 

Unreasonable would be expecting me to do anything besides run towards the nearest living thing and force choke it to death while wearing this outfit for 3 huttball matches in a row.

 

So I take it you don't want to say anything to the readers?

I don't even want to say anything to you. Are you posting right now? Did you tell them about my piercings? Because that's personal.

 

Of course not, Wrath. I would never post such intimate details about your body, it would show an incredible lack of sensitivity and taste on my part. We hold this thread to a higher standard.

Keep talking. I'm channeling my hatred and hitting my enrage button.

 

Thanks for 1,000 everyone!

[mousestalker]

You're welcome. But you have at least 3 readers. I suspect you have many, many more than 2, probably by two orders of magnitude.

 

[Doozzer]

You're welcome. But you have at least 3 readers. I suspect you have many, many more than 2, probably by two orders of magnitude.

 

 

Don't mind the Wrath, she's just in a Sithy mood.

Edited March 9, 2012 by Doozzer

[Doozzer]

THE SITHCAGE, PART 3

the suddenly feminist turn of an average day in the life of a female sith warrior.

 

 

 

Servant One: JAESA'S CRUSH WAS GOING TO BE AT THE SHIP IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES.

Servant Two: SHENANIGANS WILL ENSUE.

Servant One: Wow. Again.

Servant Two: Are we going to do this every time I say shenanigans?

Servant One: Only until it stops sounding gay.

Servant Two: What the hell is with you and this Super Troopers shenanigans gag?

 

I don't think it has anything to do with Super Troopers. You just sound really gay when you say it.

 

Servant Two: Aren't you supposed to be getting your crew ready for that Jedi to show up?

 

Just thought I would clarify we aren't doing a Super Troopers gag. We're doing a Servant Two is in the closet gag.

Servant One: Personally, I think its one of our best long running meta-gags.

 

I like it a lot better than the graphic discussions of my sexuality.

Servant One: Well, that's reasonable.

Servant Two: Is nobody worried about the fact that that guy is going to be here in like ten minutes?

 

Not really. I'm pretty good at improvisation, I think I proved that in part 2.

 

Servant Two: Well then, do you think he's going to be cute?

 

Servant One: Gay.

 

Gay.

 

Gay.

 

"Alright team, huddle up." The Wrath called everyone into the common room. "Except you Jaesa, go wait in the medbay. We need to have a special girl talk before your boytoy gets here."

 

"Master I-" Jaesa started.

 

"Don't know anything about boys, I know. You're light side Jaesa. And stop calling me master. Especially today." The Wrath interjected.

 

"What's the plan?" Vette asked.

 

"First things first, costume. Everyone needs to go change. Malavai, go put on your casuals. You're a smuggler. Pierce, go grab those shoddy bounty hunter greens out of the inventory that I haven't vendored yet and put them on. You're the token unorthodox anarchist companion that every Jedi gets for flavor. Vette, get out of that jacket, it has Imperial insignia all over it." The Wrath commanded.

 

"This is my least-imperial jacket. Everything in my closet has Imps all over it. We never go shopping." Vette explained.

 

"Don't you have a slave bikini in your underwear drawer you could wear?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Not all Twi-lek girls have slavekinis." Vette crossed her arms defiantly.

 

"And not all Sith lords have forgotten about that time on page one where you went through my underwear drawer lightsaber collection, so I returned the favor and went snooping around in your personals. Go put on your slavekini." The Wrath sneered.

 

"Harsh. And what's my slavekini backstory?" Vette asked.

 

"Nobody's going to ask why a Twi'lek is wearing a slavekini. Especially a Jedi. They take everything at face-value. That's why its so easy to second guess them." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"My lord, what about the ship? Its still a Sith Fury. We can't exactly put a costume on it." Quinn interjected.

 

"Excellent question, Captain Boyfriend. And for once in your life, try to act snarky, it might even be sexy. Remember, you're a smuggler today. We captured this ship, were forced to slay the owning Sith in the boarding, and we're going to trade it back to the empire for prisoners of war or pawn it to Hutts and give the proceeds to charity, or some other benevolent reason that a Jedi would come up with. That's your department, smuggler. You're the one that hijacks space ships."

 

"This is just crazy enough to work." Pierce laughed.

 

"Now remember everyone. We're doing this for Jaesa. Even if some of us don't really want to, and even if I'm only doing it because it reminds me of my favorite movie. It's not like I wouldn't do anything to wingman you guys." The Wrath explained.

 

"Except for Broonmark, who is creepy." Vette added.

 

"Where is he, anyways?" Pierce asked.

 

"Don't care. Don't have subtitles on, can't understand him anyways. Its a non-issue. Where was I? Oh yea, just because we're doing this for Jaesa, doesn't mean we can't have any fun." The Wrath said.

 

"I'm not sure I follow you my lord." Quinn was confused.

 

"She means we're gonna mess with him." Vette clarified.

 

"Its very possible that Jaesa might die of humiliation." The Wrath nodded.

 

"That's hardly considerate..." Quinn replied.

 

"Allow me to enlighten you on something, Quinnie-Pie. Narrator, get in here." The Wrath insisted.

 

 

"List off all the embarrassing things the readership knows about me. I'm trying to prove a point here." The Wrath commanded.

 

Well, let's see- You used to hook up with Pierce before you got with Quinn, men with organizational skills turn you on, you are weak to Hutt tequila, have a drawer full of lightsabers of dubious purpose, you have an irrational hatred of veganism, you don't have as much sex as you'd like to because your boyfriend is married to his job, you're completely neurotic about cocoa krispies, you're lazy and irresponsible with managing money/doing dailies and make your crew pick up the slack with slicing missions, and we just found out 3 posts ago that you have erotic body piercings.

 

"Now there's just one little thing I want you all to understand." The Wrath grew eerily somber. "I swear on the grave of Marka Ragnos that I will not rest until that list is just as long for everyone else on this ship. Jaesa is just an easy target. I'm going to get each and every one of you sunsabeeches. I might even get some of the readers."

 

The Wrath glared in the direction of Cocopants, who hadn't stopped by to comment in a while.

 

"Now mind your manners and enjoy the ride, because I'm not stuck in this thread with you, you're stuck in it with me." The Wrath grinned.

 

"Ha. Good luck getting dirt on me." Pierce mumbled under his breath, confident that there could be no compromise to his rugged alpha male persona.

 

"You make a squeaking noise like a mouse when you climax. It's actually kind of cute." Vette whispered, but only where everyone in the thread could read it.

 

Then, the narrator hit <enter> a couple times to let that awkwardness sink in. Sorry, Pierce.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My, haven't we taken a turn towards evil ***** lately?

Not really. I'm just having fun with it. I'm not sure I have any embarrassing secrets left to reveal, I think I might technically be invincible.

 

Weren't you going to go talk to Jaesa?

 

Oh yea, let's do that.

 

"So your boyfriend's almost here. You excited?" The Wrath pinched Jaesa.

 

"I'm a little nervous about the part that involves an elaborate scheme perpetrated by my master, the Emperor's Wrath." Jaesa admitted.

 

"Loosen up, kid. I'm a professional. I convinced you, didn't I?" The Wrath winked. "Here, take this-

." The Wrath handed Jaesa a condom.

 

Good Zelda reference, Wrath.

Just making sure they're paying attention.

 

Jaesa blushed. "Thanks... I guess? What would I need this for?"

 

"What would you do without it?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Isn't it a little soon? Shouldn't I be married or something?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Oh, Jesus, Jar Jar, and Lucasfilm. They don't have sex ed classes at the Jedi Academy, do they?" The Wrath facepalmed.

 

"They have them on Korriban?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Remember when I taught you the Sith Code? Remember how it starts?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Peace is a lie. There is only Passion." Jaesa recited.

 

"Yea, well. There's a litte addendum at Korriban University. You put this on the front- Abstinence is a lie. There is only safe sex." The Wrath explained.

 

"They didn't teach us anything like that on Tython." Jaesa stammered.

 

"And that's how the Sith corrupt Jedi. You guys don't get any instruction about sexual or emotional health. That's how we get you. Are you on the pill?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Why would I be on the pill? I haven't had a boyfriend since before I met you." Jaesa explained.

 

"Because it evens you out and makes your monthly visits much less exciting." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"I want to get on the pill immediately." Jaesa said.

 

"Atta girl." The Wrath nodded.

 

"What if he thinks I'm a ****?" Jaesa asked.

 

"What if you think you're a woman?" The Wrath replied.

 

"I don't understand." Jaesa shrugged.

 

"Well Jaesa, the thing is, in the Sith Empire, we actually had a really kick-*** feminist movement a couple hundred years ago, and one of the nice things about living on a planet covered in tombs full of vengeful, restless evil force ghosts is that a lot of the ladies in the movement like to rattle their caskets every once in a while to make sure everyone is still playing fair. You don't really get that on Tython." The Wrath explained. "Just stick to the code. Go where the moment takes you."

 

The Wrath got up to leave.

 

"Master?" Jaesa asked after her.

 

The Wrath stopped.

 

"Thanks." Jaesa said.

 

Holy crap, did you see how many light side points you got from that conversation?

 

Psh. Told you I wasn't an evil *****. Come on, give me more credit.

 

You know, you really are smarter than I make you out to be on page 1.

 

Duh, *******, its called character development. Get with the program. Also, Hutt tequila is not one of my finer moments. When is that dumb Jedi boy gonna get here anyways?

 

Eh, it'll go when it goes. I was enjoying the build-up.

 

You know I'm really gonna screw with his head right? like we're going straight back to page 1 style humiliation and immature sexual humor.

 

As if anyone would still be reading if you didn't.

Well, obviously. And seriously, where the hell did Cocopants go?

[cocopants]

I'm still alive, and still obsessively reading this, I promise. I've just been slacking like a little ***** on commenting, because I'm a little *****.

 

And obsessed with my Assassin.

 

I'm just stalking your story without commenting, because that's what *****es do.

 

They stalk stories.

 

Without commenting.

 

BUT I AM ALIVE. And here forever until you run out of Broonie Burger juice -- er, I mean, brain juice -- to write.

[greypilgrim]

Dammit! I was definitely looking forward to meeting the new character already. I hope I don't have to wait too long for the next installment. I've got less patience than Vacy!

[BlackVulcan]

Wow, you're an incredible writer, Doozzer! It's refreshing to see someone actually use proper grammar and spelling on the forums. Anyway, this has got to be some of the best fan fiction I have ever read. Your character progression and attention to detail is great. I, and I'm sure many others, am really interested in seeing where you take this in the future. Keep up the good work!

[Doozzer]

THE SITHCAGE PART 4

The average conclusion to a game of Strip Bikes, featuring an average female Sith warrior and her companion, Jaesa Wilsaam.

 

 

 

 

Servant One: HE'S FINALLY HERE

Servant Two: I'M GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION!

Servant One: Giddy?

Servant Two: You're going to think that sounds gay, aren't you?

Servant One: Gayer than shenanigans.

Servant Two: Giddy is so not gayer than shenanigans.

Servant One: I'll have to defer to your gaythority on that one.

Servant Two: Oh, ha ha. Way to stretch it out, Servant One. Really make that joke work.

 

Guys, I'm so over this whole Servant Two is gay gag.

 

Servant Two: Thank you, wrath.

 

So I'm going to go buy a gaydar unit and install it on 2V-R8. Then we'll know for sure.

 

Servant Two: WHAT?

 

Because then it will be funny again.

 

Servant Two: Oh come on, really?

Servant One: 50,000 credits says he pings on the gaydar.

Servant Two: Do we even have gaydar in the Star Wars universe?

 

Yea, its called a midichlorian scanner. It can check for cancer, too much CGI, and sexuality.

Servant Two: Did you just turn the whole 'Servant Two is gay' meta-gag into one giant rip on the prequel trilogy? Because if so, bravo. That was a loooooong set-up.

 

Oh no. That would be terribly insensitive to gay people. I wouldn't want to assert that their lifestyle choice was associated with the biggest letdown in the history of motion pictures, and that George Lucas broke every talented bone in his body and then they never mended. That would be a tragic social injustice.

 

Servant One: Holy crap you really do hate the prequel trilogy that much, don't you?

Greenscreens are a lie. There are only muppets.

 

Servant One: Don't you think this is timed really innapropriately? Aren't we about to resolve this plotline we've been working on all week?

 

They waited for 3 chapters. Waiting through the opening gag with Servant One and Servant Two won't kill them.

 

Servant One: I think it might actually kill Greypilgrim.

 

Ok fine. For Greypilgrim. But believe me, we will come back to original trilogy snobbery. Count on it.

 

Places everyone! He's here!

 

Shut up narrator, that's my line.

 

"Places everyone, he's here! Jaesa, go open the airlock and let your stud in." The Wrath commanded.

 

Jaesa opened the door. There was some swooshy space noises and her boyfriend was temporarily obscured by venting steam. It was dramatic and there was a lot of suspense.

 

Really narrator? Way to phone it in.

 

What? we filibustered for 3 chapters.

Oh, so now its filibustering? What about my personal growth, and the feminist ideology? Was that filibustering?

 

Well, no.

 

Then what the hell is this?

 

Actually this is filibustering. I'm dragging it out right now to troll the readers.

 

That actually is kind of funny.

 

I know right?

Alright, I had a good laugh at their expense. Let's stop. Describe him.

 

Wait, like how?

 

What do you mean? Tell us what he looks like.

 

Well you know I'm a man, right?

 

uh-huh

 

And you know how men describe stuff, especially other dudes? I mean I'm comfortable with my sexuality, but guys generally aren't very verbose when we're complimenting other guys. I can go full art school on him though. Do you want full art school?

 

What's full art school?

 

It means that for a year I got up at 6 in the morning, went to class, and stared at a naked man and drew every inch of him for 6 hours.

 

Even those 6 inches?

Well depending on who was modeling that day, it was more than 6. Rajiv was huge. But the point is, I can describe Jaesa's boyfriend 'straight guy style' or 'art school style.'

 

I wanna hear art school style.

Nobody invited you, Vette. You're not even supposed to be able to break the 4th wall.

 

Servant Two: I also want to hear art school style.

 

You would want to hear art school style, Servant Two.

 

Alright, art school style it is.

 

As the hydraulics hissed and vented, the steam whirled away to reveal the profile of Jaesa's mystery date. He was tall, straight and firm, with broad shoulders and confident posture.

 

Oooh, sexy.

Don't interrupt.

 

His beige Jedi robes hung loosely upon his shoulders, and he strode with a well-measured, purposeful gait. His face was long and angular, thin, but with thick pursed lips.

 

That's hot. How come you don't do that more often?

I can write about your lips all day, Wrath.

Never mind. I can see why we don't do this all the time. Its for my sake, isn't it?

Bingo.

Continue.

his hair was razored back to his pate, and he wore the dusting of a five o'clock shadow that shaded his face with a rugged confidence.

 

Like a Han Solo 5 o'clock shadow or an Indiana Jones 5 o'clock shadow?

What did I tell you about interrupting?

We're women. We have to know these things.

Well Han Solo was more like a 3 o'clock shadow. Let's say this guy is like... 3:30, 4, maybe?

That's hot. Does he have nice pecs? A cute butt?

He's wearing Jedi robes, Wrath.

Yea but you said this was full art school style. You know what he looks like naked.

Fine. His butt is amazing, if he was wearing jeans, you'd drop dead with jealousy. Don't you have a boyfriend?

What was it my sister said? "Only in this galaxy?" What about his eyes? Does he have dreamy bedroom eyes?

No, but I do.

Shut up.

No really I'm serious. I have like cobalt, ocean blue eyes. They're one of my best features.

Ok but what about his eyes?

He's wearing sunglasses.

On a ship? What a douchebag.

We'll get to that.

 

"Oh my god, he's totally hot." The Wrath whispered to Vette.

"It's not fair. He's completely wasted on a good girl like Jaesa." Vette whispered back.

"Hey, play nice. We gotta get her some action, right?" The Wrath shrugged.

 

"What are you girls whispering about?" Pierce butted in.

 

"We're just being total *****es and comparing the men in our lives like livestock." The Wrath admitted.

 

"S'okay, we do it to you ladies all the time." Pierce shrugged.

 

"So, Jaesa, going to introduce us to your handsome gentleman caller?" The Wrath poked her not so gently.

 

"Oh uhm, Right. Guys, this is Chris." Jaesa stammered.

 

Wait? His name is Chris?

 

Yea, so?

 

Shouldn't he have a Star Warsy name?

 

What, you mean like Plo Koon or Bib Fortuna or Lando Calrissian? No. I'm skipping that nonsense. He's Chris.

 

"Chris, these are my friends- Malavai the smuggler, Pierce the marginally-reformed bounty hunter, Vette the dancer, and my master." Jaesa said.

 

"Thank you for saying dancer instead of prostitute." Vette added.

 

"Its nice to meet you all." Chris grinned. "Jaesa told me she had such colorful friends." Chris said, diplomatically.

What did his voice sound like?

His voice sounded the way chocolate covered strawberries taste, after your lover gently tickles your naked spine with them, and then licks the residual chocolate off your back while he puts the strawberry in your mouth.

Wow, really?

No, I'm just messing with you. Get off Jaesa's man, you've got your own.

 

"Please come in, take your glasses off." The Wrath insisted.

 

"Uh, no thank you. You probably wouldn't like that." Chris stuttered.

 

"Chris is a Miraluka." Jaesa explained.

 

"Is that Huttese for douchebag?" Vette asked.

 

The Wrath stepped on her toes intentionally.

 

"OW!" Vette squealed.

 

"It means I'm blind. my eye sockets are vestigial, empty. If I took off these glasses, there'd just be empty space. It's a little... discomforting for people who aren't prepared to see it. You might lose your appetite." Chris explained.

 

"So if I do this, you can't see it?" Vette took off her slavekini top.

 

"Not in the visible light spectrum, as you understand it." Chris blushed. "But I can see it. Them. They're very nice."

 

Then Vette blushed, and put her top back on.

Jaesa, meanwhile, was in a state of shock.

 

"Is she going to be okay?" Chris asked.

 

"She'll be fine, we do something embarrassing to someone on this ship two or three times a day. Today is just her day." The Wrath explained.

 

"Is that a random thing or do you actually pick who gets pranked?" Chris asked.

 

"Normally we just kind of play it by ear, but because you're here, it's definitely a Jaesa day." Vette contributed.

 

"So let me get this straight, if we got naked and covered ourselves in mud, would we be invisible to you?" The Wrath asked.

 

"No. I'd just see you naked and covered in mud." Chris shrugged.

 

"So did you totally miss the Predator reference?" The Wrath asked.

 

"No I got it. Its just that when you're a Miraluka people actually try that kind of gag all the time, its funny at first, but then it just gets kind of embarassing." Chris shrugged.

 

"Well if you don't like Schwarzenegger movies you can just get the **** off this ship, because on this boat we watch 80s movies." The Wrath added.

 

"I actually liked Total Recall better than Predator." Chris admitted.

 

"Oh god you have no idea what you've just done." Vette facepalmed.

 

"You have my permission to date Jaesa forever." The Wrath added.

 

"I don't understand?" Chris looked confused.

 

"Master is obsessed with 80s movies. Especially Schwarzenegger movies." Jaesa rolled her eyes.

 

"Oh. I'm sorry. Is this a path of conversation that's taboo on your ship?" Chris asked.

 

"No, it just gets rehashed every afternoon behind the scenes. The readers never see it. That and Judas Priest." Vette explained.

 

"Judas Priest?" Chris asked.

 

"She puts it on every time we do space combat missions." Jaesa explained.

 

"HEY- That is dogfighting combat music and it is completely necessary for me to focus on destroying enemy fighters. I'm your Turbo Lover. There's no other." The Wrath defended herself.

 

"You really do have colorful friends." Chris looked at Jaesa.

 

"Well come on over to the couch and sit down. Do you need a handicap rail or something?" The Wrath insisted.

 

"No, I'm blind, not crippled." Chris explained.

 

"Sorry." The Wrath blushed.

 

"Its not a big deal." Chris shrugged, and then sat down on the couch.

 

Jaesa continued to stand by the door.

 

"Go sit down next to him, stupid." Vette whispered, poking Jaesa.

 

"So what do you guys like to do for fun?" Chris asked.

 

"Well, its kind of a boyfriend-girlfriend ship, Jaesa was the only single. So we didn't do a lot of group activities." The Wrath explained.

 

"But whenever Huttball isn't on, we usually just screw around on the holo terminal and play old emulators." Pierce added.

 

"Battletoads?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Nah." Vette shook her head.

 

"Battletoads+Double Dragon?" Pierce suggested.

 

"Yes." The Wrath insisted.

 

"Oh please no, anything but Battletoads." Jaesa pleaded. "Anything but Battletoads."

 

"Well that's why we're playing Battletoads+Double Dragon, silly." Vette added.

 

"What's the matter?" Chris put his arm around Jaesa's shoulder.

 

"It's the same game!" She cried.

 

"It's not the same game. You can be the toads or the Dragons." The Wrath retaliated.

 

"No not that, you're going to make us play strip bikes again!" Jaesa moaned.

 

"STRIP BIKES ARE A MANDATORY PART OF PLAYING BATTLETOADS." The Wrath commanded.

 

"What's strip bikes?" Chris asked, confused.

 

"Whenever you die on the bike chase level, you have to remove an article of clothing." The Wrath explained. "Usually when we play on saturday night, it also involves taking a shot."

 

"It's really not that bad, as far as drinking games go." Pierce added. "We had way worse drinking games in the military academy."

 

"But strip bikes always ends in someone vomiting or having sex." Jaesa buried her face in her hands.

 

"That's a pretty good end as far as drinking games go." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"Hey, no fair. I'm handicapped wearing this slavekini." Vette moaned.

 

"Oh shut up, you're the only one who can actually beat the stupid bike chase level. You're fine." The Wrath insisted.

 

"Well Chris can't play. He's blind." Jaesa insisted.

 

"I'm only technically blind. Give me the controller." Chris put out his hand.

 

Chris was handed a controller.

 

The Wrath handed the other controller to Vette. "Take this kid to school, Vette."

 

"My pleasure." Vette grinned.

 

"Please don't do this." Jaesa pleaded.

 

"It's fine, Jaesa." Chris shushed her. "Vette, you don't have to do this. You're already practically naked anyways."

 

"Interesting strategy new guy, let's see how many innings you last against the best in the league." Vette sneered.

 

Vette booted up the emulator and selected one of the toads. Chris selected one of the Dragons.

 

"You screwed up, blind boy, its the toads that are naked, like you're going to be." Vette teased.

 

"I'm blind, not undressed." Chris smiled.

 

Vette and Chris began the bike race, and Chris piloted his bike with the grace of an elegant swan, right into the first barricade that popped up on the screen. Technically, he steered his bike directly into the concrete barricade. It was the earliest crash in the history of strip bikes, inebriated or sober.

 

"You drunk, Chris?" Vette teased.

 

"I'm blind, not smashed." Chris grinned. "So I have to take off an article of clothing right?"

 

"That's the rules." Vette grinned.

 

"Rules are rules." Chris gently removed his sunglasses, then folded them into a pocket on his robe, revealing his black, soulless, empty eye sockets, the lids hanging over the empty holes in his skull.

 

Then he paused the game, while everyone stared at him in macabre fascination.

 

"Pardon me." Chris insisted. "I have an itch." He stuck his finger deep into his empty left eye socket and dug around, making satisfied grunting noises. "Oh man, that feels so much better."

 

Vette unpaused the game and restarted the race. Chris deftly and surely piloted his bike through the obstacle course, while Vette smashed herself into nearly every other concrete barricade that flashed onto the screen, unable to tear her eyes away from Chris's grim empty sockets. It took all of five minutes to get her completely naked.

 

"I believe you've lost." Chris smiled.

 

"I had a handicap!" Vette blushed.

 

"So did I. I'm blind." Chris smirked.

 

"Alright Vette, rules are rules. Pierce, You're up." The Wrath insisted.

 

"I don't scare so easily." Pierce grunted at Chris.

 

"I didn't think you would." Chris shrugged. "But there's a naked girl sitting right there. She'll be distraction enough, I think."

 

And then Chris soundly beat Pierce.

 

"If you gotta go, go with a smile!" Chris told naked Pierce as he got up from the couch.

 

"Quinn, get in there!" The Wrath shoved her boyfriend.

 

"You don't really strike me as much of a gaming type, Malavai." Chris said. "No, you're quiet. You're cerebral, a planner. This isn't really your thing. That's why you're third string."

 

"You'll find that I'm quite proficient." Malavai gulped.

 

"No, there's something off about you, Malavai." Chris explained while he soundly defeated Quinn. "So straight and narrow, so organized... You look like you've never worn a single pair of boxers two days in a row. You're not a smuggler. You don't have the swagger or the bravado."

 

Malavai crashed his bike into a barricade.

 

"And you don't like lying." Chris continued. "Not unless the betrayal was elaborate, well planned. You're not a shoot from the hip kind of guy."

 

Malavai crashed his bike again.

 

"And you're too humble. You don't give yourself enough credit. So when I see through the lie, well, metaphorically, I'm blind, remember? Anyways, when I see through the lie, you lose your confidence. Because its unfamiliar. It wasn't planned out the way you would have done it. You're a builder Malavai, you like to make things. You make things to shelter yourself and when you don't have them made to your specifications, they crumble around you." Chris explained.

 

Quinn was sweating.

 

"You can leave your pants there, on the pile." Chris gestured to the small mountain of laundry he had amassed.

 

"Enough head games." The Wrath took the controller from Quinn. "Its time for you to fight the final boss."

 

"How about you just forfeit now and keep your clothes." Chris made a kind gesture.

 

"Or I kick your *** and hang your boxers from my cockpit like a trophy." The Wrath grimaced.

 

"Suit yourself, its your ship, you have a right to be naked on it." Chris shrugged. "Just remember that when you're distracted by your boyfriend."

 

"Ha, you don't know he's my boyfriend." The Wrath started the race.

 

"No, I'm blind, not deaf." Chris explained. "The way you talk, your body language. It all conveys it. Pierce is the strong silent type. Vette's his girl. But you're strong- That's a lovely lightsaber you have there by the way, so you probably aren't impressed by that."

 

"Very perceptive." The Wrath mumbled as the game quickened its pace.

 

"Which means you like men that are thinkers. Men like Malavai, with all those little gears spinning and clicking in his head, thinking deep thoughts." Chris continued.

 

"I haven't crashed yet, Chris, keep talking." The Wrath smirked.

 

"Oh, I'm just now getting to the punchline." Chris shrugged. "You see, I just beat your boyfriend, and he's the thinking type. Right now he's staring at me, naked, thinking about how to defeat me. Making plans. Scanning for weaknesses, I'm blind, but I can see it in his eyes. The gears clicking in his head, the scheming- The thing that excites you, what draws you to him."

 

The Wrath looked at Malavai once.

She crashed her bike.

 

"Dammit!" She cried, as she peeled her robe off.

 

She crashed her bike again.

 

And again.

 

And again.

 

"Dammit Quinn! Stop thinking!" The Wrath cried, as she crashed her bike.

 

And just like that, the Wrath lost.

 

The Wrath dropped the controller on the couch, shrugged out of her bra, and threw it at Chris's face. Then she grabbed Quinn by the wrist and pulled him into her bedroom and shut the door.

 

Jaesa was numb.

 

"Its your turn, Jaesa." Chris gestured toward the controller.

 

With dead, clammy hands, Jaesa wrapped her fingers around the controller.

 

And Chris promptly crashed.

 

Then crashed again.

 

"Hey! You're sandbagging!" Vette shouted.

 

"He's taking a dive!" Pierce added.

 

Chris only took his shirt off.

Jaesa blushed.

 

"I can't help it." Chris shrugged. "I'm not very good at video games. I'm blind."

 

"We can stop playing if you like, Jaesa." Chris said. "I don't think I can win, you're still fully clothed."

 

Jaesa woke up as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice on her. "YES LETS STOP."

 

"You want to come back to my ship and be alone?" Chris asked.

 

Jaesa nodded.

 

Chris walked her to the airlock, then Jaesa stopped.

 

"Chris, there's something I need to tell you... About my friends." Jaesa couldn't make eye contact.

 

"You can tell me anything." Chris shrugged.

 

Jaesa couldn't make eye contact.

 

EARTH TO CHRIS

 

Oh crap, sorry. It's just that I'm blind.

Put the shades back on dude.

 

Yea, right. Thanks narrator.

 

Just lookin out, bro.

 

Chris put his glasses back on.

 

"Its just my friends, they're humiliating, and..." Jaesa started.

 

"They're charming, Jaesa. Do you think they would try so hard to embarrass you if they didn't care about you?" Chris asked.

 

"Yes." Jaesa said without thinking.

 

"Well that's true of Vette and Pierce." Chris shrugged. "But your master genuinely cares about you. Otherwise she wouldn't have gone through that elaborate hoax, disguising all your identities."

 

"I... YOU KNEW?" Jaesa's jaw nearly hit the floor.

 

"Jaesa I'm blind, not stupid. Of course I knew she was the Emperor's Wrath. And you're Jaesa Wilsaam, Nomen Kar's padawan. Well you were, until you switched teams." Chris rolled his eye sockets.

 

"Then why didn't you try to convert me back or bring my master to justice?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Jaesa, I can SEE the Force. I'm Miralukan. She's Light Side 5. You're safe here. Besides, I wanted to date you, not some stuffy ideology. Jedi girls always associate sex with guilt. It's maddening."

 

"Why didn't you say anything?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Because this was funnier." Chris chuckled.

 

Chris led Jaesa through the airlock door. "Wait, I think we need this." She pulled the condom out of her pocket and handed it to Chris.

 

"There's a message written on it." Chris said. "You read it, I'm blind."

 

If you open your mouth to say something and no words comes out, just kiss him instead -Wrath

 

 

 

And then, Broonmark strolled into the common room, holding a spatula and wearing an apron.

 

Seeing no Jedi and finding only discarded clothing and naked people, Broonmark shrugged and went back into the cargo hold.

 

"honk brrrruuuuuu rrrrrrrr uuuurrrruuu ruuu honk"

(Just business as usual around here.)

[Doozzer]

Servant One: WOAH WAIT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT GARBAGE?

Servant Two: NARRATOR, GET IN HERE!

 

What do you guys want?

 

Servant One: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT DO WE WANT?"

Servant Two: YOU LITERALLY HAD THE ENTIRE CAST NAKED IN A ROOM.

 

Well, technically, Broonmark is always naked.

 

Servant One: He's a muppet. They don't count.

Servant Two: Yea, that's not what this is about.

 

So what is it about then?

 

Servant One: What's with the foreplay? You had the whole cast in their birthday suits, and they all run off to get laid where we can't see them! How come you never write sex?

 

Well, first of all... That's against the EULA.

 

Servant Two: Oh. Right.

 

And Second, even if it wasn't, I wouldn't. Because that's not how you write erotic fiction. We're erotic enough in this thread already without it.

 

Servant One: What, you can't write sex?

 

No, I don't have too. Its hotter that way.

 

Servant One: How?

 

Because in order to write sex, you have to think like a woman. You can't actually see it- You're reading it. Things like how physically attractive the participants are, they don't count for anything. There's no pictures. The emotion, the circumstance, the foreplay. You don't write good sex, you write good foreplay.

 

Servant One: That doesn't make any sense.

 

Ok, let me put it like this...

 

He got on top of her and put himself inside of her.

 

Servant One: Well that's not very hot.

 

See, that's my point... it's not interesting, its just what happens. Basic biology. It always ends the same way. The sex itself, its not that interesting.

 

Servant One: I'm not convinced.

 

Now, If I wrote about how he looked at her, what her hair smelled like, how soft the skin on the back of her neck was, the way he held her hand as he led her to the bedroom... That would be hot. The event itself isn't of any consequence.

 

Servant One: how'd you learn all that?

 

What. You think I've never written erotic fiction? Please.

 

Servant Two: Did you ever write gay erotic fiction?

 

Absolutely. It's the same rules, regardless of orientation.

 

Servant One: WOAH WAIT WHAT.

 

Servant Two: interesting.

 

Servant One: DUDE WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT?

 

Because this whole post was an elaborate set-up for a 'servant two is gay' joke, obviously.

Edited March 10, 2012 by Doozzer

[greypilgrim]

I feel so loved. ^.^

[Rohanshot]

Well you know I'm a man, right?

 

WAIT WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

[Yescek]

Excuse me while I pick myself up off of the floor from the lol-uerism I just had.

 

Carry on.

[Doozzer]

WAIT WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

 

you couldn't tell?

 

my friend Melissa could always tell when I was writing a woman protagonist. Guess I'm getting better.

[Rohanshot]

you couldn't tell?

 

my friend Melissa could always tell when I was writing a woman protagonist. Guess I'm getting better.

 

Nah man I thought you were girl for real. I guess I don't have to feel awkward when I read this because I'm a guy anymore.

[Doozzer]

Servant One: What's this about?

Servant Two: Are you building up to another gay joke?

 

Nope. Not without Wrath. She got a little huffy when I did the last post without her.

 

Servant Two: Well, that's a relief.

 

But seriously, when are you guys finally going to come out of the closet?

 

Servant One: You mean, when is Servant Two finally going to come out of the closet?

 

I don't really take Two to be the gay between you guys. I see the way you preen your little Sith Pureblood thingies in the mirror in the men's room, One.

 

Servant One: You check me out in the men's room? Are you gay, narrator?

 

No. I'm allowed to make observations like that. Art School.

 

Servant One: If you're straight, then where's your girlfriend?

 

Don't have one.

 

Servant One: Because you're gay?

 

No, because I'm not at a point in my life where I would be good for anyone. I need to work on my career.

 

Servant One: Sounds gay.

 

Or personally responsible. Student loans.

 

Servant One: Sure buddy, whatever.

 

Ok One, how about this... I can make it so that the Wrath installs Gaydar on 2V-R8 next episode. Are you afraid what we might find out?

 

Servant One: We don't have to go there.

 

So who's hiding something now?

 

Servant One: Ok, you're not gay. Why are we doing this post again?

 

Writing advice.

 

Servant Two: Interesting. Like what?

 

I can list three things that will make everyone who reads them a better writer. Over night. Gaurantee it. With sentence fragments.

 

Servant One: Show us what you got then, if you think you're so good.

 

Oh, I never said I was good- As a matter of fact, until I'm able to make a living off of it, I'll deny being good at it. If and when it pays off my student loan, then I'll consider myself good at it. But I can make everyone else better at it.

 

Servant One:

 

 

LESSON 1: DON'T SITH WHERE YOU EAT.

 

Figure out what is you like to write. You probably have a guilty pleasure, a favorite genre, or maybe just a favorite situation, like Quentin Tarantino- High tension dialog.

 

You should think about it for a minute. It should take you that long to figure out. Got it? Good.

 

Now, go through your personal library, and throw out everything you've ever read about your favorite thing to write about, and never read any of it again. Preferably, burn them.

 

If your favorite thing to write is Star Wars fan fiction, take all your Star Wars paperbacks, and burn them. If your favorite thing to write is sexy vampires, take all your Anita Blake books, burn them. (If you like to read about sexy vampires and you don't know who Anita Blake is, you don't actually like to read about sexy vampires, you're a twilight fan and you should feel bad.)

If your favorite thing to write about is fantasy, burn your Dragonlance books.

 

Whatever it is that you like to write best, stop reading it. Burn it, throw it out, destroy it, do anything with it, just never read it again. Especially if you read those Warhammer 40,000 books, they're especially terrible.

 

There's a very good reason for it. Its empty calories for your imagination. Reading your favorite writing topic can't give you any good ideas. The only thing it tells you is who has already done what in that genre. It can only limit you, and it can't help you grow. You'll be hamstrung at every turn by what someone else did or didn't already do.

 

Knowing what someone else has already done doesn't have a great deal of practical value. You might think it does, but it doesn't help you that much. Chances are, someone else already had the same idea as you- What makes a difference is how well you tell the story. You might tell it better than them. Not even Shakespeare was original- Macbeth is based on a true story. One of the only things William switched were the names.

 

Find your favorite writing topic, and then read about EVERYTHING ELSE. This is where ideas come from. Genres are filters- They take the same ideas, and they express them in different ways. Fairies, robots, dragons, vampires, aliens- As far as the story is concerned, they're all the same thing, the same device. I can prove it- In Star Wars, there are dragons that are aliens.

 

What's more important? The fact that the dragon is an alien, or that the alien is a dragon?

Is it Sci-fi or fantasy? Does it matter?

No, it doesn't. Its all semantics.

 

How the idea is conveyed is the filter that your genre applies. There are many filters, but there are few ideas.

 

If you want to go somewhere interesting, go where someone else didn't. If you want to find out where someone else didn't go, don't start by looking where they did go- You'll only end up researching how to follow them.

 

LESSON 2: SPACESHIPS!

Quick, list 3 great stories that have space ships in them.

 

Star Wars (not the prequels)

Dune (Not the prequels... Thanks for nothing, Brian Herbert.)

Firefly (Thanks for everything, Joss Whedon. Thanks for nothing, Fox.)

 

What do all these stories have in common that make them great?

 

NOT SPACE SHIPS.

 

Star Wars is the adventure of a lost son who redeems his forgotten father. Also, there's space ships, but they aren't important.

Dune is the adventure of a lost son who mobilizes local guerillas to avenge his father's murder. Also, there's space ships, and spice, but they're not important.

Firefly is the story of the Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne. Also, he ROBBED FROM THE RICH AND HE GAVE TO THE POOR, STOOD UP TO THE MAN AND HE GAVE HIM WHAT FOR, and a space ship. Not important.

 

Do all these stories have space ships in them? Yes they do. And, you can probably name 3 other great stories that have space ships in them. But do space ships make them good? Are space ships even relevant?

 

No. They aren't. Because space ships don't make stories. The space ship is irrelevant.

 

Good stories are always about one thing- People. People make good stories, because people are what we care about. You don't actually really care what a space ship does, you spend 90% of your day thinking about you. You want to read about things that remind of you of yourself, whether you know it consciously, or you don't know it, and you just do it subconsciously.

And you do it subconsciously.

 

And you do it subconsciously.

 

Here's another good example- Mass Effect 3. Is ME3 about the Normandy?

 

No. Mass Effect is about making Shepard have sex with everything, just like his great forebear in the field of xeno-banging, Captain James T. Kirk.

 

Why do we care more about what Shepard is doing with his genitals than what he's doing with his space ship? Because we can relate to wanting to have sex with everything. Figuring out how to have sex with everything is why we get up in the morning. A study claims that adult men think about sex every 7 seconds. Another study claims that they don't. Google it. Do you care? Does it matter? No, it doesn't matter- Because here's what we care about: Who are we going to make Shepard have sex with next?

 

LESSON 3: SPEAKING OF HAVING SEX WITH EVERYTHING, WHAT ELSE MAKES YOUR CHARACTER NEUROTIC?

Remember how I said that space ships aren't important, and that people are? Specifically, people like Kirk, Shepard, and the Imperial Agent, who spend all day hooking up with aliens, because we would if we could too?

 

That's the kind of thing that makes your character interesting. Not their toys, not their lightsaber or their space ship or which gun they use, the things that make them normal people.

 

Little mundane details are how we define our characters. Its what grounds them, what makes them real, and relatable. How your character handles their lightsaber isn't interesting- Nobody actually has a lightsaber. Its a fictional, intangible object. It doesn't help us get to know your character, its an unknown factor.

 

Things that are everyday normal details are the window into your character's soul. What their interests are, what kind of people they're attracted too, that thing they do when they think no one else is looking, the words they always mispell, their favorite restaurant. Details that you can relate to are important details. They're the details that make you say, "I'm like that" or "I've been there" or "This person is like me."

 

Making your reader say "This person is like me." is the goal. If your reader thinks of themselves as your character, game over, you win. People like themselves- We have ego. If you make your reader identify with your character, YOU CAN CONTROL THEIR BRAINS AND REPLACE THEM WITH POD PEOPLE TO DO YOUR BIDDING.

 

It worked for Stephenie Meyer, she did it to a whole generation of teenage girls.

 

Little mundane details is what we remember characters by. Its what defines them.

 

Watch, I'll prove it. I'll list one random quirk about a character, and you'll be able to pick out exactly who it is, without knowing anything about their space ship or their car or their lightsaber or whatever inconsequential detail relating to the plot of the story they're involved in.

 

This tomgirl hates needlework

 

Arya Stark, Game of Thrones. (What do we say, Arya?)

 

 

This troubled woman gets a tattoo every time she is the victim of a sex crime.

 

Lizbeth Salander, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

 

 

This wine aficionado hates Merlot.

 

Miles, Sideways.

 

 

He wears a silly hat his mother made him.

 

HE ROBBED FROM THE RICH AND HE GAVE TO THE POOR, STOOD UP TO THE MAN AND HE GAVE HIM WHAT FOR, OUR LOVE FOR HIM NOW, AINT TO EXPLAIN, THE HERO OF CANTON, THE MAN THEY CALL JAYNE

 

 

Want to see one of mine?

 

This woman is addicted to Cocoa Krispies.

 

The Wrath, Thursday Morning Emperor's Wrath.

 

 

So you probably understand now, what makes your character likable. Its not their lightsaber, its not their blaster. Steel isn't strong. Flesh is strong. What is the sword without the hand that wields it? Take James Earl Jone's advice.

[qamic]

Thank you! I think it means a lot to see someone really enjoying themselves that enjoys knowing other people respond positively, after they have invested a lot of time and skill into their presentation! Edited August 11, 2015 by qamic
Brevity and Tone.