THE SITHCAGE PART 4 The average conclusion to a game of Strip Bikes, featuring an average female Sith warrior and her companion, Jaesa Wilsaam. Servant One: HE'S FINALLY HERE Servant Two: I'M GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Servant One: Giddy? Servant Two: You're going to think that sounds gay, aren't you? Servant One: Gayer than shenanigans. Servant Two: Giddy is so not gayer than shenanigans. Servant One: I'll have to defer to your gaythority on that one. Servant Two: Oh, ha ha. Way to stretch it out, Servant One. Really make that joke work. Guys, I'm so over this whole Servant Two is gay gag. Servant Two: Thank you, wrath. So I'm going to go buy a gaydar unit and install it on 2V-R8. Then we'll know for sure. Servant Two: WHAT? Because then it will be funny again. Servant Two: Oh come on, really? Servant One: 50,000 credits says he pings on the gaydar. Servant Two: Do we even have gaydar in the Star Wars universe? Yea, its called a midichlorian scanner. It can check for cancer, too much CGI, and sexuality. Servant Two: Did you just turn the whole 'Servant Two is gay' meta-gag into one giant rip on the prequel trilogy? Because if so, bravo. That was a loooooong set-up. Oh no. That would be terribly insensitive to gay people. I wouldn't want to assert that their lifestyle choice was associated with the biggest letdown in the history of motion pictures, and that George Lucas broke every talented bone in his body and then they never mended. That would be a tragic social injustice. Servant One: Holy crap you really do hate the prequel trilogy that much, don't you? Greenscreens are a lie. There are only muppets. Servant One: Don't you think this is timed really innapropriately? Aren't we about to resolve this plotline we've been working on all week? They waited for 3 chapters. Waiting through the opening gag with Servant One and Servant Two won't kill them. Servant One: I think it might actually kill Greypilgrim. Ok fine. For Greypilgrim. But believe me, we will come back to original trilogy snobbery. Count on it. Places everyone! He's here! Shut up narrator, that's my line. "Places everyone, he's here! Jaesa, go open the airlock and let your stud in." The Wrath commanded. Jaesa opened the door. There was some swooshy space noises and her boyfriend was temporarily obscured by venting steam. It was dramatic and there was a lot of suspense. Really narrator? Way to phone it in. What? we filibustered for 3 chapters. Oh, so now its filibustering? What about my personal growth, and the feminist ideology? Was that filibustering? Well, no. Then what the hell is this? Actually this is filibustering. I'm dragging it out right now to troll the readers. That actually is kind of funny. I know right? Alright, I had a good laugh at their expense. Let's stop. Describe him. Wait, like how? What do you mean? Tell us what he looks like. Well you know I'm a man, right? uh-huh And you know how men describe stuff, especially other dudes? I mean I'm comfortable with my sexuality, but guys generally aren't very verbose when we're complimenting other guys. I can go full art school on him though. Do you want full art school? What's full art school? It means that for a year I got up at 6 in the morning, went to class, and stared at a naked man and drew every inch of him for 6 hours. Even those 6 inches? Well depending on who was modeling that day, it was more than 6. Rajiv was huge. But the point is, I can describe Jaesa's boyfriend 'straight guy style' or 'art school style.' I wanna hear art school style. Nobody invited you, Vette. You're not even supposed to be able to break the 4th wall. Servant Two: I also want to hear art school style. You would want to hear art school style, Servant Two. Alright, art school style it is. As the hydraulics hissed and vented, the steam whirled away to reveal the profile of Jaesa's mystery date. He was tall, straight and firm, with broad shoulders and confident posture. Oooh, sexy. Don't interrupt. His beige Jedi robes hung loosely upon his shoulders, and he strode with a well-measured, purposeful gait. His face was long and angular, thin, but with thick pursed lips. That's hot. How come you don't do that more often? I can write about your lips all day, Wrath. Never mind. I can see why we don't do this all the time. Its for my sake, isn't it? Bingo. Continue. his hair was razored back to his pate, and he wore the dusting of a five o'clock shadow that shaded his face with a rugged confidence. Like a Han Solo 5 o'clock shadow or an Indiana Jones 5 o'clock shadow? What did I tell you about interrupting? We're women. We have to know these things. Well Han Solo was more like a 3 o'clock shadow. Let's say this guy is like... 3:30, 4, maybe? That's hot. Does he have nice pecs? A cute butt? He's wearing Jedi robes, Wrath. Yea but you said this was full art school style. You know what he looks like naked. Fine. His butt is amazing, if he was wearing jeans, you'd drop dead with jealousy. Don't you have a boyfriend? What was it my sister said? "Only in this galaxy?" What about his eyes? Does he have dreamy bedroom eyes? No, but I do. Shut up. No really I'm serious. I have like cobalt, ocean blue eyes. They're one of my best features. Ok but what about his eyes? He's wearing sunglasses. On a ship? What a douchebag. We'll get to that. "Oh my god, he's totally hot." The Wrath whispered to Vette. "It's not fair. He's completely wasted on a good girl like Jaesa." Vette whispered back. "Hey, play nice. We gotta get her some action, right?" The Wrath shrugged. "What are you girls whispering about?" Pierce butted in. "We're just being total *****es and comparing the men in our lives like livestock." The Wrath admitted. "S'okay, we do it to you ladies all the time." Pierce shrugged. "So, Jaesa, going to introduce us to your handsome gentleman caller?" The Wrath poked her not so gently. "Oh uhm, Right. Guys, this is Chris." Jaesa stammered. Wait? His name is Chris? Yea, so? Shouldn't he have a Star Warsy name? What, you mean like Plo Koon or Bib Fortuna or Lando Calrissian? No. I'm skipping that nonsense. He's Chris. "Chris, these are my friends- Malavai the smuggler, Pierce the marginally-reformed bounty hunter, Vette the dancer, and my master." Jaesa said. "Thank you for saying dancer instead of prostitute." Vette added. "Its nice to meet you all." Chris grinned. "Jaesa told me she had such colorful friends." Chris said, diplomatically. What did his voice sound like? His voice sounded the way chocolate covered strawberries taste, after your lover gently tickles your naked spine with them, and then licks the residual chocolate off your back while he puts the strawberry in your mouth. Wow, really? No, I'm just messing with you. Get off Jaesa's man, you've got your own. "Please come in, take your glasses off." The Wrath insisted. "Uh, no thank you. You probably wouldn't like that." Chris stuttered. "Chris is a Miraluka." Jaesa explained. "Is that Huttese for douchebag?" Vette asked. The Wrath stepped on her toes intentionally. "OW!" Vette squealed. "It means I'm blind. my eye sockets are vestigial, empty. If I took off these glasses, there'd just be empty space. It's a little... discomforting for people who aren't prepared to see it. You might lose your appetite." Chris explained. "So if I do this, you can't see it?" Vette took off her slavekini top. "Not in the visible light spectrum, as you understand it." Chris blushed. "But I can see it. Them. They're very nice." Then Vette blushed, and put her top back on. Jaesa, meanwhile, was in a state of shock. "Is she going to be okay?" Chris asked. "She'll be fine, we do something embarrassing to someone on this ship two or three times a day. Today is just her day." The Wrath explained. "Is that a random thing or do you actually pick who gets pranked?" Chris asked. "Normally we just kind of play it by ear, but because you're here, it's definitely a Jaesa day." Vette contributed. "So let me get this straight, if we got naked and covered ourselves in mud, would we be invisible to you?" The Wrath asked. "No. I'd just see you naked and covered in mud." Chris shrugged. "So did you totally miss the Predator reference?" The Wrath asked. "No I got it. Its just that when you're a Miraluka people actually try that kind of gag all the time, its funny at first, but then it just gets kind of embarassing." Chris shrugged. "Well if you don't like Schwarzenegger movies you can just get the **** off this ship, because on this boat we watch 80s movies." The Wrath added. "I actually liked Total Recall better than Predator." Chris admitted. "Oh god you have no idea what you've just done." Vette facepalmed. "You have my permission to date Jaesa forever." The Wrath added. "I don't understand?" Chris looked confused. "Master is obsessed with 80s movies. Especially Schwarzenegger movies." Jaesa rolled her eyes. "Oh. I'm sorry. Is this a path of conversation that's taboo on your ship?" Chris asked. "No, it just gets rehashed every afternoon behind the scenes. The readers never see it. That and Judas Priest." Vette explained. "Judas Priest?" Chris asked. "She puts it on every time we do space combat missions." Jaesa explained. "HEY- That is dogfighting combat music and it is completely necessary for me to focus on destroying enemy fighters. I'm your Turbo Lover. There's no other." The Wrath defended herself. "You really do have colorful friends." Chris looked at Jaesa. "Well come on over to the couch and sit down. Do you need a handicap rail or something?" The Wrath insisted. "No, I'm blind, not crippled." Chris explained. "Sorry." The Wrath blushed. "Its not a big deal." Chris shrugged, and then sat down on the couch. Jaesa continued to stand by the door. "Go sit down next to him, stupid." Vette whispered, poking Jaesa. "So what do you guys like to do for fun?" Chris asked. "Well, its kind of a boyfriend-girlfriend ship, Jaesa was the only single. So we didn't do a lot of group activities." The Wrath explained. "But whenever Huttball isn't on, we usually just screw around on the holo terminal and play old emulators." Pierce added. "Battletoads?" The Wrath asked. "Nah." Vette shook her head. "Battletoads+Double Dragon?" Pierce suggested. "Yes." The Wrath insisted. "Oh please no, anything but Battletoads." Jaesa pleaded. "Anything but Battletoads." "Well that's why we're playing Battletoads+Double Dragon, silly." Vette added. "What's the matter?" Chris put his arm around Jaesa's shoulder. "It's the same game!" She cried. "It's not the same game. You can be the toads or the Dragons." The Wrath retaliated. "No not that, you're going to make us play strip bikes again!" Jaesa moaned. "STRIP BIKES ARE A MANDATORY PART OF PLAYING BATTLETOADS." The Wrath commanded. "What's strip bikes?" Chris asked, confused. "Whenever you die on the bike chase level, you have to remove an article of clothing." The Wrath explained. "Usually when we play on saturday night, it also involves taking a shot." "It's really not that bad, as far as drinking games go." Pierce added. "We had way worse drinking games in the military academy." "But strip bikes always ends in someone vomiting or having sex." Jaesa buried her face in her hands. "That's a pretty good end as far as drinking games go." The Wrath shrugged. "Hey, no fair. I'm handicapped wearing this slavekini." Vette moaned. "Oh shut up, you're the only one who can actually beat the stupid bike chase level. You're fine." The Wrath insisted. "Well Chris can't play. He's blind." Jaesa insisted. "I'm only technically blind. Give me the controller." Chris put out his hand. Chris was handed a controller. The Wrath handed the other controller to Vette. "Take this kid to school, Vette." "My pleasure." Vette grinned. "Please don't do this." Jaesa pleaded. "It's fine, Jaesa." Chris shushed her. "Vette, you don't have to do this. You're already practically naked anyways." "Interesting strategy new guy, let's see how many innings you last against the best in the league." Vette sneered. Vette booted up the emulator and selected one of the toads. Chris selected one of the Dragons. "You screwed up, blind boy, its the toads that are naked, like you're going to be." Vette teased. "I'm blind, not undressed." Chris smiled. Vette and Chris began the bike race, and Chris piloted his bike with the grace of an elegant swan, right into the first barricade that popped up on the screen. Technically, he steered his bike directly into the concrete barricade. It was the earliest crash in the history of strip bikes, inebriated or sober. "You drunk, Chris?" Vette teased. "I'm blind, not smashed." Chris grinned. "So I have to take off an article of clothing right?" "That's the rules." Vette grinned. "Rules are rules." Chris gently removed his sunglasses, then folded them into a pocket on his robe, revealing his black, soulless, empty eye sockets, the lids hanging over the empty holes in his skull. Then he paused the game, while everyone stared at him in macabre fascination. "Pardon me." Chris insisted. "I have an itch." He stuck his finger deep into his empty left eye socket and dug around, making satisfied grunting noises. "Oh man, that feels so much better." Vette unpaused the game and restarted the race. Chris deftly and surely piloted his bike through the obstacle course, while Vette smashed herself into nearly every other concrete barricade that flashed onto the screen, unable to tear her eyes away from Chris's grim empty sockets. It took all of five minutes to get her completely naked. "I believe you've lost." Chris smiled. "I had a handicap!" Vette blushed. "So did I. I'm blind." Chris smirked. "Alright Vette, rules are rules. Pierce, You're up." The Wrath insisted. "I don't scare so easily." Pierce grunted at Chris. "I didn't think you would." Chris shrugged. "But there's a naked girl sitting right there. She'll be distraction enough, I think." And then Chris soundly beat Pierce. "If you gotta go, go with a smile!" Chris told naked Pierce as he got up from the couch. "Quinn, get in there!" The Wrath shoved her boyfriend. "You don't really strike me as much of a gaming type, Malavai." Chris said. "No, you're quiet. You're cerebral, a planner. This isn't really your thing. That's why you're third string." "You'll find that I'm quite proficient." Malavai gulped. "No, there's something off about you, Malavai." Chris explained while he soundly defeated Quinn. "So straight and narrow, so organized... You look like you've never worn a single pair of boxers two days in a row. You're not a smuggler. You don't have the swagger or the bravado." Malavai crashed his bike into a barricade. "And you don't like lying." Chris continued. "Not unless the betrayal was elaborate, well planned. You're not a shoot from the hip kind of guy." Malavai crashed his bike again. "And you're too humble. You don't give yourself enough credit. So when I see through the lie, well, metaphorically, I'm blind, remember? Anyways, when I see through the lie, you lose your confidence. Because its unfamiliar. It wasn't planned out the way you would have done it. You're a builder Malavai, you like to make things. You make things to shelter yourself and when you don't have them made to your specifications, they crumble around you." Chris explained. Quinn was sweating. "You can leave your pants there, on the pile." Chris gestured to the small mountain of laundry he had amassed. "Enough head games." The Wrath took the controller from Quinn. "Its time for you to fight the final boss." "How about you just forfeit now and keep your clothes." Chris made a kind gesture. "Or I kick your *** and hang your boxers from my cockpit like a trophy." The Wrath grimaced. "Suit yourself, its your ship, you have a right to be naked on it." Chris shrugged. "Just remember that when you're distracted by your boyfriend." "Ha, you don't know he's my boyfriend." The Wrath started the race. "No, I'm blind, not deaf." Chris explained. "The way you talk, your body language. It all conveys it. Pierce is the strong silent type. Vette's his girl. But you're strong- That's a lovely lightsaber you have there by the way, so you probably aren't impressed by that." "Very perceptive." The Wrath mumbled as the game quickened its pace. "Which means you like men that are thinkers. Men like Malavai, with all those little gears spinning and clicking in his head, thinking deep thoughts." Chris continued. "I haven't crashed yet, Chris, keep talking." The Wrath smirked. "Oh, I'm just now getting to the punchline." Chris shrugged. "You see, I just beat your boyfriend, and he's the thinking type. Right now he's staring at me, naked, thinking about how to defeat me. Making plans. Scanning for weaknesses, I'm blind, but I can see it in his eyes. The gears clicking in his head, the scheming- The thing that excites you, what draws you to him." The Wrath looked at Malavai once. She crashed her bike. "Dammit!" She cried, as she peeled her robe off. She crashed her bike again. And again. And again. "Dammit Quinn! Stop thinking!" The Wrath cried, as she crashed her bike. And just like that, the Wrath lost. The Wrath dropped the controller on the couch, shrugged out of her bra, and threw it at Chris's face. Then she grabbed Quinn by the wrist and pulled him into her bedroom and shut the door. Jaesa was numb. "Its your turn, Jaesa." Chris gestured toward the controller. With dead, clammy hands, Jaesa wrapped her fingers around the controller. And Chris promptly crashed. Then crashed again. "Hey! You're sandbagging!" Vette shouted. "He's taking a dive!" Pierce added. Chris only took his shirt off. Jaesa blushed. "I can't help it." Chris shrugged. "I'm not very good at video games. I'm blind." "We can stop playing if you like, Jaesa." Chris said. "I don't think I can win, you're still fully clothed." Jaesa woke up as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice on her. "YES LETS STOP." "You want to come back to my ship and be alone?" Chris asked. Jaesa nodded. Chris walked her to the airlock, then Jaesa stopped. "Chris, there's something I need to tell you... About my friends." Jaesa couldn't make eye contact. "You can tell me anything." Chris shrugged. Jaesa couldn't make eye contact. EARTH TO CHRIS Oh crap, sorry. It's just that I'm blind. Put the shades back on dude. Yea, right. Thanks narrator. Just lookin out, bro. Chris put his glasses back on. "Its just my friends, they're humiliating, and..." Jaesa started. "They're charming, Jaesa. Do you think they would try so hard to embarrass you if they didn't care about you?" Chris asked. "Yes." Jaesa said without thinking. "Well that's true of Vette and Pierce." Chris shrugged. "But your master genuinely cares about you. Otherwise she wouldn't have gone through that elaborate hoax, disguising all your identities." "I... YOU KNEW?" Jaesa's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Jaesa I'm blind, not stupid. Of course I knew she was the Emperor's Wrath. And you're Jaesa Wilsaam, Nomen Kar's padawan. Well you were, until you switched teams." Chris rolled his eye sockets. "Then why didn't you try to convert me back or bring my master to justice?" Jaesa asked. "Jaesa, I can SEE the Force. I'm Miralukan. She's Light Side 5. You're safe here. Besides, I wanted to date you, not some stuffy ideology. Jedi girls always associate sex with guilt. It's maddening." "Why didn't you say anything?" Jaesa asked. "Because this was funnier." Chris chuckled. Chris led Jaesa through the airlock door. "Wait, I think we need this." She pulled the condom out of her pocket and handed it to Chris. "There's a message written on it." Chris said. "You read it, I'm blind." If you open your mouth to say something and no words comes out, just kiss him instead -Wrath And then, Broonmark strolled into the common room, holding a spatula and wearing an apron. Seeing no Jedi and finding only discarded clothing and naked people, Broonmark shrugged and went back into the cargo hold. "honk brrrruuuuuu rrrrrrrr uuuurrrruuu ruuu honk" (Just business as usual around here.)

THE SITHCAGE, PART 3 the suddenly feminist turn of an average day in the life of a female sith warrior. Servant One: JAESA'S CRUSH WAS GOING TO BE AT THE SHIP IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES. Servant Two: SHENANIGANS WILL ENSUE. Servant One: Wow. Again. Servant Two: Are we going to do this every time I say shenanigans? Servant One: Only until it stops sounding gay. Servant Two: What the hell is with you and this Super Troopers shenanigans gag? I don't think it has anything to do with Super Troopers. You just sound really gay when you say it. Servant Two: Aren't you supposed to be getting your crew ready for that Jedi to show up? Just thought I would clarify we aren't doing a Super Troopers gag. We're doing a Servant Two is in the closet gag. Servant One: Personally, I think its one of our best long running meta-gags. I like it a lot better than the graphic discussions of my sexuality. Servant One: Well, that's reasonable. Servant Two: Is nobody worried about the fact that that guy is going to be here in like ten minutes? Not really. I'm pretty good at improvisation, I think I proved that in part 2. Servant Two: Well then, do you think he's going to be cute? Servant One: Gay. Gay. Gay. "Alright team, huddle up." The Wrath called everyone into the common room. "Except you Jaesa, go wait in the medbay. We need to have a special girl talk before your boytoy gets here." "Master I-" Jaesa started. "Don't know anything about boys, I know. You're light side Jaesa. And stop calling me master. Especially today." The Wrath interjected. "What's the plan?" Vette asked. "First things first, costume. Everyone needs to go change. Malavai, go put on your casuals. You're a smuggler. Pierce, go grab those shoddy bounty hunter greens out of the inventory that I haven't vendored yet and put them on. You're the token unorthodox anarchist companion that every Jedi gets for flavor. Vette, get out of that jacket, it has Imperial insignia all over it." The Wrath commanded. "This is my least-imperial jacket. Everything in my closet has Imps all over it. We never go shopping." Vette explained. "Don't you have a slave bikini in your underwear drawer you could wear?" The Wrath asked. "Not all Twi-lek girls have slavekinis." Vette crossed her arms defiantly. "And not all Sith lords have forgotten about that time on page one where you went through my underwear drawer lightsaber collection, so I returned the favor and went snooping around in your personals. Go put on your slavekini." The Wrath sneered. "Harsh. And what's my slavekini backstory?" Vette asked. "Nobody's going to ask why a Twi'lek is wearing a slavekini. Especially a Jedi. They take everything at face-value. That's why its so easy to second guess them." The Wrath shrugged. "My lord, what about the ship? Its still a Sith Fury. We can't exactly put a costume on it." Quinn interjected. "Excellent question, Captain Boyfriend. And for once in your life, try to act snarky, it might even be sexy. Remember, you're a smuggler today. We captured this ship, were forced to slay the owning Sith in the boarding, and we're going to trade it back to the empire for prisoners of war or pawn it to Hutts and give the proceeds to charity, or some other benevolent reason that a Jedi would come up with. That's your department, smuggler. You're the one that hijacks space ships." "This is just crazy enough to work." Pierce laughed. "Now remember everyone. We're doing this for Jaesa. Even if some of us don't really want to, and even if I'm only doing it because it reminds me of my favorite movie. It's not like I wouldn't do anything to wingman you guys." The Wrath explained. "Except for Broonmark, who is creepy." Vette added. "Where is he, anyways?" Pierce asked. "Don't care. Don't have subtitles on, can't understand him anyways. Its a non-issue. Where was I? Oh yea, just because we're doing this for Jaesa, doesn't mean we can't have any fun." The Wrath said. "I'm not sure I follow you my lord." Quinn was confused. "She means we're gonna mess with him." Vette clarified. "Its very possible that Jaesa might die of humiliation." The Wrath nodded. "That's hardly considerate..." Quinn replied. "Allow me to enlighten you on something, Quinnie-Pie. Narrator, get in here." The Wrath insisted. "List off all the embarrassing things the readership knows about me. I'm trying to prove a point here." The Wrath commanded. Well, let's see- You used to hook up with Pierce before you got with Quinn, men with organizational skills turn you on, you are weak to Hutt tequila, have a drawer full of lightsabers of dubious purpose, you have an irrational hatred of veganism, you don't have as much sex as you'd like to because your boyfriend is married to his job, you're completely neurotic about cocoa krispies, you're lazy and irresponsible with managing money/doing dailies and make your crew pick up the slack with slicing missions, and we just found out 3 posts ago that you have erotic body piercings. "Now there's just one little thing I want you all to understand." The Wrath grew eerily somber. "I swear on the grave of Marka Ragnos that I will not rest until that list is just as long for everyone else on this ship. Jaesa is just an easy target. I'm going to get each and every one of you sunsabeeches. I might even get some of the readers." The Wrath glared in the direction of Cocopants, who hadn't stopped by to comment in a while. "Now mind your manners and enjoy the ride, because I'm not stuck in this thread with you, you're stuck in it with me." The Wrath grinned. "Ha. Good luck getting dirt on me." Pierce mumbled under his breath, confident that there could be no compromise to his rugged alpha male persona. "You make a squeaking noise like a mouse when you climax. It's actually kind of cute." Vette whispered, but only where everyone in the thread could read it. Then, the narrator hit <enter> a couple times to let that awkwardness sink in. Sorry, Pierce. My, haven't we taken a turn towards evil ***** lately? Not really. I'm just having fun with it. I'm not sure I have any embarrassing secrets left to reveal, I think I might technically be invincible. Weren't you going to go talk to Jaesa? Oh yea, let's do that. "So your boyfriend's almost here. You excited?" The Wrath pinched Jaesa. "I'm a little nervous about the part that involves an elaborate scheme perpetrated by my master, the Emperor's Wrath." Jaesa admitted. "Loosen up, kid. I'm a professional. I convinced you, didn't I?" The Wrath winked. "Here, take this- ." The Wrath handed Jaesa a condom. Good Zelda reference, Wrath. Just making sure they're paying attention. Jaesa blushed. "Thanks... I guess? What would I need this for?" "What would you do without it?" The Wrath asked. "Isn't it a little soon? Shouldn't I be married or something?" Jaesa asked. "Oh, Jesus, Jar Jar, and Lucasfilm. They don't have sex ed classes at the Jedi Academy, do they?" The Wrath facepalmed. "They have them on Korriban?" Jaesa asked. "Remember when I taught you the Sith Code? Remember how it starts?" The Wrath asked. "Peace is a lie. There is only Passion." Jaesa recited. "Yea, well. There's a litte addendum at Korriban University. You put this on the front- Abstinence is a lie. There is only safe sex." The Wrath explained. "They didn't teach us anything like that on Tython." Jaesa stammered. "And that's how the Sith corrupt Jedi. You guys don't get any instruction about sexual or emotional health. That's how we get you. Are you on the pill?" The Wrath asked. "Why would I be on the pill? I haven't had a boyfriend since before I met you." Jaesa explained. "Because it evens you out and makes your monthly visits much less exciting." The Wrath rolled her eyes. "I want to get on the pill immediately." Jaesa said. "Atta girl." The Wrath nodded. "What if he thinks I'm a ****?" Jaesa asked. "What if you think you're a woman?" The Wrath replied. "I don't understand." Jaesa shrugged. "Well Jaesa, the thing is, in the Sith Empire, we actually had a really kick-*** feminist movement a couple hundred years ago, and one of the nice things about living on a planet covered in tombs full of vengeful, restless evil force ghosts is that a lot of the ladies in the movement like to rattle their caskets every once in a while to make sure everyone is still playing fair. You don't really get that on Tython." The Wrath explained. "Just stick to the code. Go where the moment takes you." The Wrath got up to leave. "Master?" Jaesa asked after her. The Wrath stopped. "Thanks." Jaesa said. Holy crap, did you see how many light side points you got from that conversation? Psh. Told you I wasn't an evil *****. Come on, give me more credit. You know, you really are smarter than I make you out to be on page 1. Duh, *******, its called character development. Get with the program. Also, Hutt tequila is not one of my finer moments. When is that dumb Jedi boy gonna get here anyways? Eh, it'll go when it goes. I was enjoying the build-up. You know I'm really gonna screw with his head right? like we're going straight back to page 1 style humiliation and immature sexual humor. As if anyone would still be reading if you didn't. Well, obviously. And seriously, where the hell did Cocopants go?

Don't mind the Wrath, she's just in a Sithy mood.

Servant One: THE WRATH HAS RECEIVED 1,000 PAGE VIEWS! Servant Two: THE WRATH IS HUMBLED BY YOUR PATRONAGE. Yea, all two of you. 500 views from Darthramette and 500 views from Cocopants. Servant One: That's not exactly grateful, Wrath. Servant Two: Yea, what the hell is your damage? Seriously, what is your damage? It's this freaking pvp fetish gear. I still haven't gotten it all off and we're about to start doing Sithcage part 3. I am going to kill whoever designed this gimp suit, and eat my Cocoa Krispies out of their *********** skull. Woah! Rage much? Only enough to get smash to crit. That's not what I meant. I have rashes on my **** from the rubber, I went through a whole bottle of baby powder. My chest looks like a blind clown putting on face paint, and all my body piercings have giant rings around them from the chafing, like somebody put a bulls-eye on all the most sensitive parts of my body. It looks like some kind of road map for virgins. I've never been so angry about anything. I have no idea how Darth Marr can even sit down. I didn't know you had body piercings. Because I never volunteered it. They're in intimate places. Couldn't you just take them out when you pvp? What? And lose the thrill, let them heal up? Hell no. I love these things. They make sex unbelievable. Don't you think you're being a little unreasonable? Unreasonable would be expecting me to do anything besides run towards the nearest living thing and force choke it to death while wearing this outfit for 3 huttball matches in a row. So I take it you don't want to say anything to the readers? I don't even want to say anything to you. Are you posting right now? Did you tell them about my piercings? Because that's personal. Of course not, Wrath. I would never post such intimate details about your body, it would show an incredible lack of sensitivity and taste on my part. We hold this thread to a higher standard. Keep talking. I'm channeling my hatred and hitting my enrage button. Thanks for 1,000 everyone!

sith warrior has great companions. you just don't know what they get up too.

Servant One: YOU GUYS HAVE IT ALL WRONG. ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO WRITE, ITS ABOUT WHAT THE AUDIENCE WANTS TO READ. YOU HAVE TO BUILD A RAPPORT. Servant Two: THE CUSTOMER ISN'T ALWAYS RIGHT, BUT THEY'RE CERTAINLY NEVER WRONG. What the hell is wrong with you guys, do you ever even sleep? Servant One: I thought I was being helpful. Servant Two: You did kind of sound like a jerk. Servant One: I'm not a jerk! Don't call me that! Servant Two: Maybe I wouldn't think you were such a jerk if you guys didn't call me gay all the time! Guys seriously, are you really doing this right now? You're de-railing the thread. Somebody's trying to get constructive criticism here. Servant Two: He's the one de-railing the thread, I'm just trying to watch Project Runway in peace and quiet. Why can't a guy watch Runway without everyone thinking he's gay? What if I just like fashion? Are we really going back to that? Didn't we burn that joke out on the second page of the Wrath thread? Servant One: No it actually got some pretty good mileage. It made it to page 3. Can't really argue with that. Hey. where's the narrator? I'm not touching this. WHAT? That's not fair. We talk about my sexuality all the time! Nothing is taboo when it comes to my relationships! Why does Servant Two get a break? Because you're the protagonist and your sex life is interesting, and he's a barely ancillary plot device with ten lines of dialog that doesn't show up in the game until chapter 3. Servant Two: HEY I'M IMPORTANT. You're not allowed to talk to the narrator. Only the Wrath gets to break the 4th wall that flagrantly. Yea, go watch more Runway or something. Servant Two: I'm caught up on Runway this season. I'm watching RuPaul's Dragrace lately. Servant One: Gay. Gay. Gay.

THE SITHCAGE, PART 2 The suddenly manipulative adventures of an average female Sith warrior. Servant One: THE WRATH WAS TRYING ON NEW PVP GEAR Servant Two: YOU MEAN WARRIOR SET THAT LOOKS LIKE FETISH GEAR? Servant One: It is pretty hot. Servant Two: Eh, if you're into that. Servant One: You really are gay, aren't you? Servant Two: What? No! Servant One: Dude its okay if you're gay. Servant 5 is gay too. Servant Two: Really? Servant One: Well obviously. I mean, count all the digits of the Hand of the Emperor. He's the pinky. He's the finger that gets lifted when gays take a sip of their drinks. Servant Two: You know, not all homosexuals lift their pinkies when they drink. Servant One: Did you know that from hanging out in a gay bar? Servant Two: There's not an answer I can give to that question that won't incriminate me, is there? Servant One: There really isn't. Servant Two: OH, HELLO THERE WRATH! Sup guys? Doing gay stuff again? Servant One: Not really. Servant Two: Unless men watching Project Runway counts. That depends, by yourself or with your girlfriend? Servant Two: Well... By yourself. Gay. Servant One: Gay. "Ok Vette, be brutal. How does this pvp gear look?" The Wrath asked. "You mean like, really be brutal?" Vette shrugged. "Completely honest. No filter. You're the only one I can trust, Jaesa's a little brown-noser and Quinn's to smart to answer any question that could qualify as boyfriend-entrapment." The Wrath explained. "You look like Edward Scissorhands, with *****." Vette said. The Wrath sighed. "It is totally fetishy isn't it?" "You look like you're looking for a bad time worse than I am, and I wear a shock collar in the bedroom." Vette added. "Yea I didn't need to be reminded about that." The Wrath added. "But do my ***** at least look good in it? I mean if I'm gonna be a fetish princess on the battlefield, I might as well rock it, right?" "I guess you could call that damage control. They're nice. Perky." Vette shrugged. "You're not just saying that to make me feel better right?" The Wrath glared. Vette felt her chest. "Oh of course not. I mean why would I be jealous? I'm a life time member of the A-Team." "Pierce doesn't seem to mind." The Wrath added. "Yea they look good. Honest. Is it made of latex or something?" Vette asked. "You know I have no idea? But whatever it is, it sure fits close. I'm total commando in this goofy outfit. I think that's why they give you this little flap in the front and back, to protect you from a cool breeze." The Wrath explained. "Is it at least not that hard to get into? Easy access?" Vette asked. "No, its a royal *****. You sweat in it, and yea, naturally I sweat in it because I kill people in it all day, and it gets all sticky, like you're peeling the wrapper off of a melting chocolate bar. I think they let some Dark Side 5 sadist do the costume design on this one. The boys get the same thing, just without the rubber ****." The Wrath explained. "Shouldn't you be worried about getting out of it soon, then?" "I was thinking of hitting the queue one more time to finish the weekly..." The Wrath shrugged. "Well, you know, Jaesa's boy is gonna be here in like a half hour." Vette replied. "OH MY GOD IS IT THE 7TH? I THOUGHT HE WAS COMING TOMORROW!" The Wrath gasped. "Yea, and you still haven't told most of the crew about the whole 'my boyfriend's a jedi thing.' You probably don't want to be looking like Darth Gimpsuit when he gets here either." Vette added. "Crap! Alright, we gotta go brief the crew and then we'll peel me out of this bondage gear." The Wrath said. "Shouldn't you get out of that now?" Vette asked. "No, I'm going to do the easy part first. Convincing everyone they need to play along. I mean how hard can it be? Everyone is straight and we don't have to teach Nathan Lane to act like a man." The Wrath explained. The Wrath ran to the intercom and summoned everyone except Jaesa to the council room. "Are you sure you don't require me, master?" Jaesa asked. "No, there's probably going to be some kind of wheeling and dealing on your behalf that you wouldn't approve of, so I'm just going to go over your head." The Wrath explained. "And stop calling me master!" "Reporting as ordered." Quinn was first to come in. "What's the job?" Pierce and Broonmark were behind him. "Its about Jaesa. We're doing a favor for her, and its going to require everyone's cooperation." The Wrath explained. "No deal." Pierce crossed his arms. "She's already a wet blanket. Don't owe her any favors." "Which is why we're doing her this favor. Its about this guy. Figure if we can get her a boyfriend, she'll loosen up, be less of a pain in the ***." The Wrath explained. "I'm listening." Pierce nodded. "He's a jedi." The Wrath added. "My Lord, that's treason!" Malavai interjected. "Oh, my precious Quinnie-pie, I was prepared for you to say that. One- You owe me for that little droid scuffle with Darth Baras. Don't think that I hadn't forgotten. Two- I'm the highest authority in the Empire second only to the Emperor himself. I decide what is and isn't treason, and hold on for a second here... Nope, getting Jaesa laid isn't treason. Just wrote it into law. In my brain. With the Force. Three- I'm your girlfriend, which can have a lot more authority than number two, if I decide to go full-***** on this." The Wrath grinned. "So what were you going to do to make me go along with this? I'm not tied to up to you like Quinn is." Pierce sneered. "You're correct, lieutenant." The Wrath sat back in her office chair and put her boots up on the table. "I was counting on the fact that you're casually corrupt and have very little respect for the chain of command in the first place, and I knew you'd be willing to look the other way if the reward was good enough." "What did you have in mind?" "Well, I talked to Vette about it, just to make sure it was okay with her, and you know her sister? The one whose freedom I bought? She's still very grateful to me for that. I thought you might like to go for the family style achievement." The Wrath explained. "You're bluffing." Pierce said. "You're blushing." The Wrath replied. "Which is something you don't often do, its charming. And the Emperor's Wrath never bluffs." Wait, would you? How many dark side points would I get for doing that? Probably at least 200. This is starting to go somewhere pretty off the deep end. Psh. Please. I'm still a Sith Lord. Just because I don't manipulate people all the time, doesn't mean I don't know how. I'll scrub it with Diplomacy later. You really are evil, you know that? Only when it comes to people getting between me and my revenge, 80s movies, chocolate cereal, and The Birdcage. But mostly just revenge. "I'm in." Pierce nodded. "My lord, I'm still not very comfortable with what you intend to do here. Letting a Jedi Knight onto our ship, and allowing her to romance Jaesa? I know your methods are often unorthodox, but this is completely insane. Surely you can't be serious." Quinn pleaded. "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley." The Wrath said. Wow. Airplane reference? Very nice. What did I just say about 80s movies? "I thought you'd be a little harder than that to break, Quinnie-pie. Which is why I put a call into the officer's tailor in Kaas city to deliver a handsome new dress uniform." The Wrath began. "My lord I hardly think such a paltry bribe-" Quinn interjected. "The uniform is for me. White parade dress with softcap, epaulettes, rank and insignia, the works. If you cooperate, I'll wear it around the ship for a week. I'll even fill out a requisition form and put it in your inbox every time I want to have sex." The Wrath finished. "A week?" Malavai gasped. "A whole week. Seven days." The Wrath smiled. "My lord... I..." Malavai stammered. "What did I tell you about embracing your passion? Blah Blah Sith code Blah Blah?" The Wrath added. "My lord, I graciously accept your terms." Malavai choked out. "If you will excuse me, I need to go change my pants." "Dismissed, captain boyfriend. Return to your station after you've cleaned up." The Wrath twirled her hair around her finger. Vette and Broonmark were still standing in the room. "What about him?" Vette pointed at the muppet. "Broonmark, if I decide Jaesa's squeeze is a douche, I'll let you cook him while we find her a better boyfriend." The Wrath shrugged. "You'd really let him serve us human meat?" Vette gasped. "honk brruuuuurrrrruuuuu rrrrrrrrrr***k snuuuuuuruuuuuuuu honk." (I've been serving you human meat since you were level 44.) "I just don't think about it, honestly. I feel like it somehow wouldn't be any better for my peace of mind if I actually knew what he was saying." The Wrath rolled her eyes. "Well we finished the hard part. Come back to my quarters with me and help me out of this giant rubber tragedy that for some reason has expertise points on it." The Wrath told Vette. "I didn't expect it would actually be that easy. Did you really call my sister and order a uniform from Kaas city?" Vette asked. "Not yet, but I will. It's only a lie if I break my promise right?" The Wrath asked. "Wait. You mean you made up all that psychological, manipulative, blackmail and bribery stuff on the spot?" Vette replied. The Wrath only walked up to Vette, tapped her gently on the nose with her finger, and smiled. "You don't think the Kor'Slugs won the All Sith Girls Volleyball Championship through athleticism and talent, did you?" On their way back to the Wrath's quarters to put on something less Sithy, the Wrath stopped in the medbay, walked in on Jaesa meditating, hugged her unexpectedly, which confused Jaesa greatly, and walked out. Ha! And they say I'm Light Side 5. Still got it, baby!

Servant One: THE EMPEROR'S HAND COMMANDS THAT EVERYONE READ THURSDAY MORNING WRATH, AND COMMENT! Servant Two: THE WRATH MUST BE KNOWN! Guys, If they haven't read my story they won't even get the whole 'Hand of the Emperor' gag. Servant One: Well they won't get the whole pink text gag either, or the part where you habitually break the 4th wall and talk directly to the narrator. Servant Two: And they won't think I'm gay! Servant One: Everyone thinks you're gay, Servant Two. You only have to play through the Sith Warrior story to see that. He's totally right, you do come off as a little fruity in the cut scenes. Servant Two: SHUT UP! GO READ THURSDAY MORNING WRATH FOR AMUSING BANTER AND OBSCURE 80s REFERENCES! Servant One: But we didn't even make any obscure 80s references in this post. Servant Two: Oh yea? Well when this thread hits 88 page views, you're gonna see some serious ****. Wow really? I mean normally we try to sneak them in there and see who notices. You went with that? I was saving Back to the Future.

no offense but that's unreasonable. Rocket Punch is a significant part of a tanking rotation, and Flame Burst being 10 meter range only means that melee has to walk 6 meters to say hello to you- But because you want to rocket punch, you'd close that gap yourself anyways. The only circumstance where you would actually want to be in that 6 meter sweet spot is if a marauder/sentinel was chasing you and you wanted to maintain your damage output while still staying out of his. And flame burst is so crucial to the pyro PT, that you might as well be in melee just as often as the tank. Just because a lot of your party favors have a 30 yard range, doesn't make you a ranged class. They're really just flirting. When its time for the romance, you are inside that 10 yard bubble, and that 10 yard bubble becomes melee pretty quick.

You're fine, OP. What you've failed to take into account of is the talent-in and set bonus crits, you should be good. 70% surge is fine. you're 5% off of the softcap, and after that there's no point in stacking it. keep in mind that your flame shield talent is giving you 30% crit on your rocket punch, and if you get 4 piece dps armor (which you should as a parakeet) You'll get an extra 15%. That's 45% crit on top of your existing crit chance for your reseting and snaring attack that does pretty respectable damage. You should feel pretty good about that.

Ooh! Mousestalker got it. I honestly thought that was going to take a lot longer. You should give the readership more credit, Wrath. And you should work on getting a job. Are you saying I'm not trying? Because I'm sitting by the phone waiting for that guy from the magazine to call as hard as I can. I don't think I can sit any harder. You know, I've got an idea for a real good Emperor's Wrath story. There's 3 women on your ship. Did you know that you gals give off pheromones that can adjust the timing of your monthly visitor? How would you like to be synchronized with Vette and Jaesa? You wouldn't. Unless I thought it was really funny. Okay, you win. I hope the guy from the magazine calls. I do too. For your sake. HOSTAGE! If I ever figure out how to force choke someone through the 4th wall, you're dead, narrator.

while I appreciate your comment, there's a simple solution to the wall of text you wrote, and you provided it yourself in the second sentence. Only the better players have. so be friends/guildies with better players. Its not a pvp game or a pve game or an fps or even rpg. its an MMO, and MMOs, before anything else, are social games. Nobody makes you solo queue. Hell, I never solo queue, and I'm a tank that guards healers. You need to be friendly with someone like me.

Servant One: THERE'S AN INTENTIONAL MISTAKE IN THAT LAST POST. Servant Two: BUT YOU'D HAVE TO HAVE SEEN THE BIRDCAGE TO CATCH IT. The hint is "Gene's son." Servant One: CAN YOU FIND IT?

there's a simple solution to your pyro/arsenal problem. its called green pewpew. Once you have green pewpew, you're the best single target healer in the game, and all the tanks on your team latch themselves onto your balls and then never let go. Your green pewpew brings all the tanks to the yard, and they're like "We are not gonna let that guy die. guard/taunt/aoe stun"

THE SITHCAGE, PART 1 Starring the flamboyantly Sithy average female warrior. Servant One: THE WRATH WAS HAVING AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WITH JAESA Servant Two: IT WAS SOME SERIOUS GIRL TALK Servant One: WE EAVESDROPPED ON IT, NATURALLY. Servant Two: DO YOU THINK SHE'LL TEACH JAESA HOW TO KISS? OR COMPARE BUST SIZES Servant One: Wait what? Servant Two: You know, like at sleepovers. Servant One: I don't think grown women have sleepovers. Servant Two: Well, you never know. I mean it would be awesome if they did some kind of girl on girl scene. Servant One: We don't have the same-sex relationship options in this game yet. You're thinking of Mass Effect 3. Servant Two: Well, you know, they don't have to be in a relationship to experiment, that doesn't count. Servant One: Dude, they aren't 16 year old girls. The Wrath has her own ship and a boyfriend. They went grocery shopping. What the hell were you expecting, that they'd roll out their sleeping bags and talk about their periods? Servant Two: Kind of. Servant One: Dude, you're totally hopeless. Hey guys, how's it going? Servant One: NOTHING IS GOING. EVERYTHING IS EMPEROR STUFF. Servant Two: BORING EMPEROR STUFF. How come everytime I show up here you guys act like misbehaving children and tell me nothing is happening? Servant Two: BECAUSE WE'RE STILL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOU KNOWING THAT WE'RE GAY, IS ALL. Servant One: YES. BECAUSE THAT. YOU HAVE AMAZING TIMING WHEN IT COMES TO WALKING IN ON DUDES. Servant Two: WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A COUPLES NIGHT AND WATCH PROJECT RUNWAY. Oh. Ok. Servant Two: Which is not a gay show. Huh? Servant Two: Nothing. Go back to your incredibly naughty costco parking lot sex. Servant One: Dude. She almost heard that. Servant Two: That's why i said it in lower case. She's gone right? Servant One: Yea, but why the hell would you risk that? Servant Two: Hey shut up. Project Runway- Your place or mine? "Master, can I have a word with you in private?" Jaesa asked. "Yea sure. Wait, why do you always hang out in the medbay anyways?" The Wrath asked. "Its... quieter here. Before it was just a place where I liked to meditate, now its pretty much necessary because Vette and Pierce-" "Yea I know. I hear them through the bulkhead at night too. Believe me, if I had known that Twi-leks could scream like that, I never would have hooked them up." The Wrath apologized. "Well, it got me thinking... You have a boyfriend, and Vette has a boyfriend, and Broonmark is a talz." Jaesa started. "Muppet. He's a muppet." The Wrath insisted. "Well, his specific species is Talz." Jaesa corrected. "Nope. Original trilogy rules. All aliens are muppets. We don't do any of that green-screen cheating on this ship, I won't allow it." The Wrath was final. "Well, whatever he is, it doesn't work with a woman, is what I'm trying to say." Jaesa rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't let it into my bed even if it did. Sheds everywhere already, don't need all that hair in my sheets." The Wrath said. "Wait, are you feeling lonely? Because if you're propositioning me for a threesome Jaesa, I'm not like that. I don't like sharing." Jaesa blushed. "No master..." "Stop calling me master! I'm not a freakin' slave owner. I mean I was, but I took the collar off Vette the first opportunity I had. I promise that. Didn't even shock her as much as I should have." The Wrath backpedaled. "Oh. My. God." The Wrath gasped. "I know what this is about. YOU MET A -BOY- didn't you?" "Well, yes." Jaesa was relieved. VETTE GET IN HERE Hey wait, you can't do that! I told you that was a one time thing! I'M BUSY! (color customization to make Vette red) AND SHE CERTAINLY CAN'T SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE FORCE! Shut up, narrator, I make the rules. Vette, get in here! It's totally important. I'm kind of... tied up right now? Vette we are not doing another embarrassing sex episode right now. Tell Pierce to take a rain check, I'll make it up to him. You mean I'll make it up to him. Oh well yea, of course. I don't make up anything to him since Malavai and I got serious. Just get in here already. "Are you wearing the shock collar?" The Wrath asked when Vette came into the room. "Yes." Vette didn't even appear phased. "Saving that for another episode." The Wrath sighed. "So what's so important you had to PULL ME OFF my leisure activity?" Vette asked. That's a sex joke if anyone missed that. Oh, come on. She totally was. That was uncalled for. You're the one who writes this garbage. I just want everyone to know you're not even trying. Hey I've got a lot of stuff going on right now ok? Its hard being a writer. Sounds more like its hard being Pierce, lately. Pierce is a classy guy that doesn't do freaky stuff in grocery store parking lots like white trash sith lords. How do you know about that? I'm the one that writes this garbage. Truce? Fine. "You owe me 500 credits. Pay up." The Wrath told Vette. "What? No way." Vette turned redder. "You guys bet on WHEN I WOULD MEET A GUY?" Jaesa gasped. "It was Vette's idea." The Wrath lied. HEY IT REALLY WAS VETTE'S IDEA I'm the one that writes this garbage. I thought we had a truce? Just wanted to remind you who has the upper hand in this treaty. "Can we do the Grease thing?" Vette hopped up and down. The Wrath thought for a moment. "Yes. Yes we can." "What the hell are you guys even-" Jaesa started, but was immediately cut off when Vette and the Wrath started singing. TELL ME MORE! TELL ME MORE! didya get very far? TELL ME MORE! TELL ME MORE! like did he have a car? "Guys, can we be serious for a moment?" Jaesa asked. "Maybe." The Wrath admitted. "Probably not." Vette added. "You're right. We should be drinking. Vette, get us some beers." The Wrath nodded. "What? Make her do it. Its her boyfriend." Vette replied. "Screw it." The Wrath said. She went to the intercom. "Captain, Execute Order 66." "What does that mean?" Jaesa asked. "At once my lord!" Quinn came in over the intercom. "Its part boyfriend training, part imperial officer training." The Wrath explained. "Well, I mean I wrote it into his protocol handbook, and then by imperial edict, he had to observe it." Quinn showed up with beer, bowed, then left. "You have so much to teach us about training men." Vette said. "Is there an Order 69?" "Only during off duty hours, unfortunately. He's still kind of stiff when it comes to all that putting the job first crap." The Wrath rolled her eyes. "So Jaesa, tell us about your new boyfriend." Vette entreated. "Well... That's kind of what I wanted to talk to Mast- I mean the Wrath about, you see, I met him in the Costco when the Wrath sent me away to buy tofu burgers..." Jaesa started. "That she threw out." Vette added. "What?" "Shut up Vette. Jaesa, please continue." The Wrath nodded. "Well he was cute, sensitive, felt the same way I did about animal rights... We really hit it off. I just kind of forgot to tell him one thing when I gave him my holo number." Jaesa sighed. "Which was what?" The Wrath asked. "That you're the most powerful Sith lord in the galaxy whose authority is subject only to the Emperor himself." Jaesa breathed. The Wrath patted Jaesa on the back. "Jaesa, honey. Don't worry. It's not like I don't want you to get laid. You guys are like sisters to me. Just say the word, I'll pull whatever strings I can and we can get him reassigned wherever is easiest for you to get at him. I'll promote him up to your personal cabana boy." "That's oddly comforting, given the circumstances." Jaesa gulped. "But the problem is that... He's kind of a Jedi Knight." Vette spat beer into the kolto tank. The Wrath lost her footing and nearly fell into the kolto tank that Vette spat into. "OH. MY. GOD." The Wrath breathed. Then she hugged Jaesa. "Master, are you... crying?" Jaesa asked. "Wait, you really are crying." Vette added. "You don't understand." The Wrath sobbed. "This is too perfect. I'm so happy. This is even better than the time Quinn and I finally got serious and he took the lead in the bedroom, and that was totally hot." "That actually does sound pretty sexy." Vette shrugged. "No, seriously. You don't understand." The Wrath was crying so hard she had to stop and blow her nose. "Its just that... The Birdcage. Its my favorite movie ever." " ?" Jaesa asked. "Robin Williams and Gene Hackman. Gene has a son that's getting married to a Republican senator's daughter." Vette explained. "So?" Jaesa asked. "The twist is that the senator doesn't know that Gene Hackman and Robin Williams are flamboyant homosexuals, and that they run one of the most popular gay clubs in Miami. The whole movie is about a bunch of gays pretending to act conservative in front of the girl's family, so Gene's son can marry her without making a huge scene." Vette explained. "Its like a dream come true." The Wrath cried. "Wait... You mean... You're not going too..." Jaesa stammered. "Oh I'm doing it for you Jaesa. But really, I'm doing it for me." The Wrath choked back tears.

Servant One: BRAIN JUICE IS AN IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN BROONIE BURGERS

This episode is dedicated to Dranyari's roommates, who are the inspiration for the Wrath's current predicament... TUESDAY AFTERNOON EMPEROR'S WRATH The continuing normal day of an average female Sith warrior. Servant One: THE WRATH WENT TO THE COSTCO. Servant Two: THE COSTCO? REALLY? Servant One: What's wrong with costco? Servant Two: Well, nothing. I just figured that you know, the highest authority in the Sith empire would shop at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods or something. Not when you have 4 mouths and a proboscis to feed. I'm the Wrath, not the First Imperial Bank! "I don't understand what the big deal is, you said I did the shopping fine last time. I could have gone." Jaesa said. "Nope. There are two major reasons why you are banned from doing the shopping, Jaesa, and they're both very good." The Wrath explained. "And they are?" Jaesa asked. "Reason #1- You bought some kind of garbage cardboard health cereal instead of Cocoa Krispies, and you bought tofu burgers instead of real meat, which pissed off Broonmark to no end, but is inconsequential, because it also pissed me off to no end." The Wrath lectured. "Well I thought I was doing you a favor. You said you kind of wanted to go on a diet, I figured Cocoa Krispies would be a good thing to cut... And the tofu burgers are just more humane." Jaesa shrugged. "Let me ask you a serious question, Jaesa." The Wrath rolled her eyes. Its going to be a major eye rolling day, isn't it, narrator? Count on it, Wrath. Dammit. "Do you enjoy things like the hyperdrive, feminine hygiene, speeder bikes, and clean, filtered water?" The Wrath asked. "Well yea, but I don't understand how that..." Jaesa started. "WELL I DO TOO." The Wrath interjected. "And I didn't evolve all the way up the gosh darn food chain to put eating meat aside on barbecue night just so some frolicking nerf could spend another blissful day grazing on the hinterlands of Voss because he's too stupid to invent blasters and defend himself from predators." "I... didn't realize you felt so strongly about it." Jaesa mumbled. "Oh that? No. That's nothing. I just love barbecue. But I swear to the Emperor, Jaesa, if and when I ever decide to go on a diet, and I probably won't, because the boys love the fact that I finally have an ***, I WILL NEVER CUT COCOA KRISPIES. They will bury me in a Cocoa Krispies box when I die. If I don't wake up to a bowl of Cocoa Krispies every morning, someone is going to get force choked. Do you understand that?" The Wrath finished. And then she felt bad about yelling at Jaesa. No, not really. A ***** ain't gonna go without her delicious chocolate cereal. The Wrath remembered she was Light side 5. I think you underestimate what an important part of my life Cocoa Krispies are. Please? You do have to live with her. She's giving you puppy dog eyes right now. Fine. "Okay look. Maybe I was a bit harsh. But Cocoa Krispies are a hard and fast rule on my ship. If you want, you can run back to the freezer section and get some tofu or turkey burgers or whatever bloodless communist garbage meat substitute it is that you Republic girls eat." The Wrath shrugged. That wasn't a very good attempt at being nice. I am not going to surrender to moral high ground on this one. The whole ship is with me on the barbecue front. Ooh that reminds me, we need another bottle of Sriracha. "Wait, what was the second reason I was banned from doing the shopping?" Jaesa asked. "Because I thought it could be a couples thing that Quinn and I could do, then the rest of you tag-alongs showed up and made it into the field trip." The Wrath rolled her eyes. again. Yep. "Well you never take us anywhere. We sit around the ship all day doing slicing missions." Vette moaned. "Those slicing missions pay for your lekku wax, Pierce's protein powder, and that weird nectar crap that Broonmark always drinks." The Wrath added. "Unless of course you'd rather go back to your day job as a collar-jockey on Korriban." "What crawled up your *** and died anyways?" Vette shot back, ever the insolent one. "Because I'm trying too-WAIT." The Wrath caught herself. Can I do the telepathy thing on her? Didn't we establish in a previous episode that you can only do that to your family members? Come on. Let me cheat. Just once. I don't understand why I should. Because I'm about to let Vette in on an embarrassing secret. Well, the audience does love to hear about your sex life. Permission granted. Because I want to try a sexy voyeur thing with Quinn in the parking lot, and if you help me ditch the kindergarden crew, I'll let you get the 2 gallon drum of the good lekku wax. The L'Oreal stuff. The Wrath telepathed to Vette. Only she can read that right? And you I guess? Not the readers? Its just that its incredibly trashy and I don't want anyone to know about the weird stuff. Of course, Wrath. The audience can't read anything in pink text. You wouldn't lie to me, would you narrator? Only if it was really funny and made the story better. Dammit. "Okay so Vette, why don't you and Pierce go to the fridge section and get us a couple cases of beer." The Wrath suggested. "What? Can't Pierce do it himself?" Vette shrugged. "Did you not get that text message I just sent you? The pink one?" The Wrath asked. "Huh? You mean the... OH. YEA. It just got here. I think telepathy gets bad reception in these big warehouses." Vette blushed. "Okay, so do you and Pierce want to go get the beer?" The Wrath rolled her eyes. "I actually don't really need her to carry a couple cases of beer." Pierce added. "Well, I'm trying to hook you guys up because I'm trying to ditch you guys, and its obvious she's totally into you." The Wrath told Pierce. "What? He is so not my type!" Pierce is all strong and manly and confident and smells like Old Spice and... oh my god you're right I'm totally into him." Vette grabbed Pierce and ran off down the aisle. "THE BEER IS THE OTHER WAY!" The Wrath shouted back at them. Okay, who's left? Broonmark. "Broonie, watch the cart. Actually, go to that ethnic alien section and get whatever weird crap it is you use to season the Broonie Burgers." "Honk brrrrrrrr urrrrrrrrr ruuuuruuurrrrrruuuuu." (Its powdered human brains) "Whatever, I have no idea what you're saying without the subtitles and I don't care. I'm sure its better if I don't understand. Oh, and when Jaesa comes back with the tofu burgers, tell her to go get toilet paper or something, and then throw the tofu burgers in the garbage." The Wrath rolled her eyes. "My lord. What task do you have in mind for me?" Malavai Quinn asked. "Can you slice a fire exit door so the alarm doesn't go off?" The Wrath asked. "Well, yes, but..." Quinn started. "Then shut up and follow me. You're on boyfriend time." The Wrath grabbed his wrist and started walking fast.

why not? I think Rob Halford is a pretty cool guy.

Servant One: IT IS DECIDED THEN. Servant Two: THE WRATH HUNGERS. Servant One: SHE WILL GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. Servant Two: ALSO I DOUBT QUINN AND PIERCE FIGHTING OVER HER WOULD ACTUALLY GO ANYWHERE. Servant One: NO, IT WOULDN'T. WHEN YOU PLAY THROUGH WARRIOR AS FEMALE YOU SORT OF FIGURE OUT THAT PIERCE IS PRETTY LIVE-IN-THE-MOMENT COMMITTED BACHELOR. Servant Two: HE WOULDN'T FIGHT FOR HER AT ALL. HE'D BE LIKE, "ON TO THE NEXT ONE." Servant One: QUINN'S THE ONE WHO WOULD GET ALL BONNIE TYLER ON IT. Servant Two: 80s references again? Servant One: Yea. You know, Bonnie Tyler- Holding Out for a Hero? Servant Two: Well yea, I do. But does the audience? Servant One: It was in that Short Circuit movie. Servant Two: Dude I don't think any of these kids are old enough for Johnny 5. Servant One: Oh, so they're old enough for R2-D2 but not Johnny 5? That's racist, man. Servant Two: How is that even possible? Robots don't have races. Servant One: You know what? I don't even care. NUMBER 5 IS ALIVE. I love that robot. Servant Two: Wait, is that one of those ridiculous 80s movies that the Wrath has in her media cabinet next to those funky Jim Henson movies? Servant One: I'm sorry, did you just use the word RIDICULOUS to describe THE EIGHTIES? Servant Two: What if I did? Servant One: Then we wouldn't be friends any more. Servant Two: Seriously? Servant One: Dude, have you ever even SEEN Earth Girls Are Easy?

NEXT TUESDAY'S EMPEROR'S WRATH The typical and unflattering life of a female Sith warrior Servant One: GREETINGS READERS! WE ARE GOING TO TRY SOMETHING FUN AND EXCITING! Servant Two: THE WRATH IS AT THE READERS' MERCY! Servant One: WE ARE TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WRATH'S NEXT ADVENTURE! Servant Two: WE ARE BORED! Servant One: THE READERSHIP WILL DECIDE WHICH NORMAL, MUNDANE, EVERY DAY TASK THE WRATH WILL ENCOUNTER NEXT! Servant Two: JUST POST ONE! THE NARRATOR WILL PICK. IT CAN BE ANYTHING. Servant One: LIKE DOING LAUNDRY! Servant Two: OR UNCLOGGING A DRAIN! Servant One: OR HAVING FAMILY DINNER WITH ONE OF HER ESTRANGED FAMILY MEMBERS! Servant Two: OR A REALLY HOT MENAGE-A-TROIS WITH PIERCE AND QUINN Servant One: Actually, it can't be that one. That's against the TOS. Servant Two: That's not really fair, I mean male warrior gets to romance Vette AND Jaesa. Servant One: Male warrior is a punk. Female warrior gets to have Quinn and keep Pierce on the side, the male has to pick. Its the female warrior that's the true pimp. Are you guys gossiping about the dark council again? Servant Two: KNOCK WHEN YOU COME IN! Servant One: WHAT HE MEANS IS, YES. WE WERE TALKING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT BORING THINGS. NOT YOU. Servant Two: WE NEVER TALK ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE VERY BORING TO US. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIVE. Servant One: WE ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN WHAT DARTH VOWRAN WORE TO THE FORMAL. Look its okay if you guys are gay. It doesn't bother me. Servant One: WOAH WHAT Servant Two: WHY WOULD YOU THINK WE'RE GAY? Well you do that evil twin thing from GI Joe, you know, Tomax and Xamot? You always finish each others' sentences and stuff. Servant One: I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE ON THIS FORUM WAS ACTUALLY BORN IN THE 80'S AND GOT THAT REFERENCE. Servant Two: THOSE DUDES WERE TOTALLY AWESOME THOUGH. THEY WERE LIKE NINJAS AND THEY COULD FEEL EACH OTHERS PAIN AND STUFF. I GUESS WE ARE KIND OF LIKE THAT. You mean, "Gay?" Servant Two: WHAT? NO WAY! SHUT UP WRATH! Servant One: YOU SHOULD GO AWAY, WE'RE DOING SECRET... EMPEROR STUFF. Look guys, I told you. I don't care. I think its kind of cute. I know the empire is kind of repressive. You can stay on my couch if it ends up being a thing. Servant One: FOR THE LAST TIME WE ARE NOT GAY Servant Two: AND ALSO MORE IMPORTANTLY WE DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS Huh? Servant One: ACTUALLY WAIT- WE ARE TOTALLY GAY AND WE WOULD LIKE SOME PRIVACY SO WE CAN MAKE OUT PLEASE LEAVE NOW. Oh... Okay. Talk to you guys later. Servant Two: Dude what the hell? I'm not gay. Servant One: Would you prefer that she knew we knew EVERYTHING about her personal life and eavesdropped on her constantly? Servant Two: Look, just don't go spreading it around. I'm already the laughingstock of the Emperor's Hand for that one time you guys caught me watching Project Runway. Servant One: Nice. I almost forgot about that. Servant Two: ah, crap. Servant One: ANYWAYS Servant Two: YES, ANYWAYS. Servant One: IT IS UP TO YOU, THE READER, TO DECIDE WHAT THE WRATH WILL DO NEXT. Servant Two: SHENANIGANS WILL ENSUE! Servant One: Shenanigans? Again? Servant Two: What? Servant One: Are you sure you're not gay? Servant Two: WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THIS. LEAVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WRATH! AND DO IT BEFORE RUNWAY COMES ON! Servant One: WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU, COCOPANTS!

its very important that you go powertech bounty hunter. Not because its better than merc/commando, none of that crap matters. What matters is that when you're a powertech, every time you rocket charge or grapple someone and the rocket punch+Railshot the hell out of them, you feel like you're starring in your very own Judas Priest video and Rob Halford is standing behind you while you play patting you on the shoulder and shouting words of encouragement. And then you shoot them in the face with a flamethrower. THIS.IS.THE.PAIN.KILLER! <awesome solo> every time you rocket punch.

medals are going to be irrelevant next patch, so don't pick a class based on how easily they medal grind a warzone. Next patch, valor reward per medal is raised, but you cap out on medal returns after 4. Which means that as long as you get any 4 medals, it doesn't matter what you do. Seeing as how getting 10 kills is a given, and killing blow is just down to luck, its pretty safe to say that if you just breathe and leave the spawn before the deserter timer runs out, you'll pick up the other 2 for the cap. Winning a warzone on the other hand, is something that's actually going to count for something. Specifically, its going to count for about a 1000 valor. Since you aren't worried about getting medals, you should only be worried about winning the game, and to win the game, you have to play the objectives. If you're going as an independent contractor solo-q'ing in warzones, its probably a safer bet to be a juggernaut, because juggers are A) kickass ball runners in Huttball and B) capable of switching gears to tank stance to drop guards and taunts for sitting on objectives. Naturally, a good marauder is a game changer and just as valid in his own way, but the fact of the matter is, mommy likes juggers better and gave them more toys to play with, so you have an easier time adapting on the fly and giving what the team requires to win the game and get the best valor return.

they had this ability as a proc for the black orc in WAR, and it worked as a bunch of people in this thread wish it worked- ie, it gave you the HP, raised the cap, then didn't deduct it again when the skill ran its duration and returned your HP cap to normal. And it was a huge mistake. Blorc was the best tank on Forces of Destruction. Chosen was gimp and blackguard was pretty laughable until they buffed it. If they make Endure Pain work the way everyone in this thread wants it to work, then that's just too good. Don't count on it happening though, because the pvp team they inherited from Mythic probably won't let that one happen again. Endure Pain is fine as it currently works. There's nothing wrong with a skill that involves gambling. Figure out how to use it to win, rather than focusing on how you lose. Its still an indispensable tool in combat with raid bosses and in pvp, when used appropriately.

NEXT THURSDAY AFTERNOON'S EMPEROR'S WRATH The continuing adventures of an average female Sith warrior Servant One: THE WRATH WAS ON A HOLOCALL TO HER SISTER, THE GALAXY'S MOST NOTORIOUS BOUNTY HUNTER Servant Two:THE WRATH'S SISTER IS PRETTY HOT. Servant One: What happened to you saying cryptic stuff? Servant Two: What? Public Enemy Number One has got a killer bod, that's all I'm saying. Servant One: Yea but she's married to that Mandalorian dude. Servant Two: What's her man got to do with me? Servant One: Well, she's also shot half of the people she's met. Especially the Sith people she's met. Servant Two: The Mando boy can keep her. "So I was on the holo with little sis the other day, and she said-" Public Enemy #1 was saying. "Wait, what do you mean? I'm your little sis." The Wrath interjected. "Oh... Mom... didn't..." PE#1 stuttered. "MOM DIDN'T WHAT? TELL ME WE HAD ANOTHER SISTER?" The Wrath nearly fainted. "Well, yea." PE#1 shrugged. "How come nobody tells me this crap? I know I got shuttled off to Korriban when I was six, but come on! I'm the freakin' Emperor's Wrath here, Duke of New York, A #1. The Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla. If I come out and say you jerks owe me a family life, dammit, you owe me a family life!" The Wrath raged. "Listen honey, it doesn't take being born Force-sensitive to have a hard knock life. You think you had it bad on Korriban? You should have tried actually growing up in her house. I'm not sure if I actually even had a mother- I had a holo terminal. She used to prop me up in front of it to let SpongeBith Squarepants do all her parenting while she ran off to play Pazaak. That was mom, compulsive gambler. I still shoot everything yellow that I see. It's like I'm neurotic." PE#1 explained. "You are neurotic. And a sociopath." The Wrath shot back. "I am not a sociopath, I'm a professional!" PE#1 retaliated. "Oh that's right- You can't be a sociopath, YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS. Who are they again? The career felon, the con-artist, the hacker, and the Mandalorian patricide?" The Wrath rolled her eyes. "Hey- Its hard to find a good con-artist these days. Imperial Intelligence is really cracking down on that." PE#1 explained. "Right, so we've established that you're not a psychopath- Just a trigger happy hired killer with a flying halfway house for career criminals." The Wrath said. "I can live with that." PE#1 shrugged. "So what's our sister like?" "Well she just graduated from the inquisitor program at Korriban U and she's currently on assignment under Darth Lachris on Balmorra, putting down rebels." PE#1 explained. "Wait, so she's Force sensitive?" The Wrath asked. "Well, mom didn't know that when she sold her." PE#1 said. "SHE SOLD HER? INTO SLAVERY?" The Wrath nearly fainted. "Well yea, I mean let's be honest, mom is a lazy golddigger. And after dad left her, she couldn't exactly live the lifestyle she was accustomed too, and I was already out of the nest and you were already on Korriban in the Sith program..." PE#1 explained. "SLOW DOWN. How long did you know we had a little sister and you didn't tell me?" The Wrath asked. "Maybe... 3 months? Mom just kind of mentioned it in passing." PE#1 said. "So you waited 3 MONTHS TO TELL ME?" The Wrath got a little bit closer to fainting. "Well I was kind of busy. Assassinating the Chancellor of the Republic Senate. You know the guy, leader of the free galaxy. Kind of slipped my mind." PE#1 said. "I should holocall mom and force choke her." The Wrath mumbled. "That's probably why she never told you herself, you take after dad, you certainly didn't get any morals or righteousness from mom's side of the family." PE#1 rolled her eyes. "How is mom anyways?" The Wrath asked. "Just up to her old tricks since dad left. Dating this Chiss guy in Imperial Intelligence, kind of handsome, treats her right... Probably better than she deserves at least, you know mom." PE#1 said. "Actually, I don't really know mom. She shipped me off to Korriban when I was six." The Wrath growled. "Oh. Right. Force-sensitive. Well, let me put it to you like this sweetheart- You grew up in the Sith system and you actually have a moral compass. I grew up in mom's house and I'm the galaxy's most notorious bounty hunter. You're Light side 5 from Hogwart's Academy of Ancient Evil, and I'm Dark Side 5 from a normal family home. Who do you think was more selfish, evil, and twisted? Darth gym teacher, or mom?" "Why am I so disappointed that that makes so much sense?" The Wrath mumbled. "So how's your boyfriend?" PE#1 asked. "When he's actually being my boyfriend, he's great." The Wrath shrugged. "Well, you aren't exactly sitting around waiting for him, are you? I mean, I would have dated Gault if he wasn't always moping about his last girlfriend, spent the last 20 years iced down in stasis on Belsavis or blah blah blah." PE#1 said. "Well we're not that serious. Yet. I kind of have one in my back pocket for emergencies. You'd like him- strong, silent type." The Wrath admitted. "Maybe you can introduce me sometime." PE#1 grinned. "Aren't you married?" The Wrath gasped. "Only in this galaxy." PE#1 winked. "They're men, dear. They're only good for one thing. Don't think they won't stray if the opportunity arises." "Is that more of mom's invaluable parenting coming to the surface?" The Wrath asked. "Look, she was a terrible mother. But she was right about money, men, and huttball betting." PE#1 admitted. "Well. This has been illuminating. I'm gonna go call little sis now and see how much damage control I have to do on my horrifying dysfunctional family." "Do you need her holo number?" PE#1 asked. "No, I'm gonna use the family plan. Don't need a number for genetics. Remember that if you and Torian have kids, if you don't call, I'll find out the other way." "Is that a threat?" PE#1 sneered. The Wrath just hung up the holo receiver. Paging lil sis, lil sis, come in... Hello! Oh hey! So... I'm your big sister, the Emperor's Wrath, I just thought I'd say hi and- You've reached the psychic voicemail box of Darth Zash's apprentice. I'm sorry I can't come to the Force right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. THEY HAVE VOICEMAIL FOR THIS NOW? WHAT THE HELL, LUCAS?

tankasin ball runner mercenary healer jugger tank or hybrid / PT tank or hybrid to flavor, but prefer jugg tank because of the ability to significantly isolate threats with charge-push-charge marauder or operative to flavor, preferably marauder because predation is awesome.