my, aren't we high maintenance?

i just married malavai ingame to affection cap him for crew skills and I was cringing when I hit the 'marry me' key. The Wrath would not have approved, she'll never marry Quinn until she's satisfied she's more important to him than his job. which might never happen. EXPECT NEW CHAPTERS WITH EVEN MORE GAY JOKES, COMING SOON. Oh yea, we're totally doing it. The new plot arc is going to be "girls reading slash fiction"

Holy crap does nobody date anymore? 15 years and only one of them was pre-diapers? Now Wrath, just because its not your lifestyle, doesn't mean its an invalid decision. Actually, I'm the Emperor's Wrath. I make the rules, and unless the Emperor himself or the Dark Council cries about it, its law. The Dark Council has opposed every law you made since you proposed the edict to rename the days of the week after Judas Priest band members. I only wrote that law because Darth Marr wrote a proposal to rename the days of the week after Journey band members, and I hate Journey. They only have one goddam good song, and it sure as hell isn't DONT STOP BELIEVIN. Well, I don't disagree with you on that one. Foreigner is way better than Journey. Damn right. NOW HEAR MY DECREE! THE WRATH COMMANDS THAT ALL CHILDREN, STARTING AT THE AGE OF 13, BE LOCKED INTO BASEMENTS UNTIL THEIR 18TH BIRTHDAYS. THAT INCLUDES YOU EANELINEA, THROW THAT BRAT IN THE BRIG. Got something to say about that, narrator? Actually I completely agree with that one. I've been a teacher. teenagers are *********** rotten.

Never enough information, girl. You'll thank me for this trick. Got it from Vette. Make your hubby eat an orange every day, with no teeth, just sucking the flesh off the rind with his mouth muscles. You'll thank me in about a week.

I think you seriously underestimate how much my parents giving me up to the Sith academy at age 6 traumatized me into hating the idea of having children of my own. I'm not exactly emboldened by the upbringing of the children she DID keep either. My womb is subject to martial law, and all trespassers will be shot. I'm on the pill, use rubbers, and Malavai is on a heavy citrus fruit and leafy green diet to make certain bedroom antics taste better. Too much information, Wrath. I disagree. Every woman should take comfort in the fact that those little babies-to-be are dying horrible deaths, immolating in stomach acid. Its one of the better parts of foreplay. Well, the boys certainly won't complain. They sure won't.

That was not permission. We get pretty risque in here and I have to draw the line somewhere. I'm reasonably sure we'd get hit over the head by the EULA if we linked.

OH! ME NEXT! So uhm, I'm the Emperor's Wrath, and I like cheap men and cheaper liquor, Cocoa Krispies, and pretty much anything to do with the 80s. I'm kind of on hiatus since I killed Darth Baras and got promoted at work, taking some time off before I go back to murdering pubbies or muppets or space monsters or whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be doing, I don't know, the hours are weird and its a never-the-same-thing-twice kind of job. I also like muscle cars, and my dream is to own a Dessler Turbo. Wrath, what the hell are you doing in this thread? Narrator? You're in Alcoholics Anonymous too? This isn't AA. And is that a box of wine under your arm? Why were you bringing a box of wine to AA? Isn't AA BYOB? You're not supposed to bring your ANY BEER Wrath, its for people trying to quit drinking. QUIT DRINKING, WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY CLUB IS THAT? Wrath, go lay down. You don't need to be in this thread. WELL YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH A BUNCH OF SOBER BUZZKILLS. ME AND MY BOX OF WINE ARE TAKING THE NEXT SPEEDER OUT OF THIS ***** I told you, this isn't AA. Its a thread for writers. Writers are alcoholics, right? Well, all the really good ones are. THEN PULL UP A CHAIR *****, I CAN'T DRINK THIS WHOLE BOX BY MYSELF I'm actually reasonably sure that you can, and that's what terrifies me. I KNOW. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ALL HOSTAGES. Don't let me drink alone, I'll do it.

Jaesa, you read that garbage. Is it real? Not telling.

FRIDAY EVENING BLOOD AND THUNDER What remorseless emperor commands me? Servant One: So the Wrath came back from shopping. Servant Two: Did you see what she bought? Servant One: She's a chick. She bought clothes. Servant Two: But did you see what else she bought? Servant One: No I kind of spaced out when she went into that tailor, I just figured she was getting Quinn's dress blues mended or something. You know, domestic stuff. Servant Two: So you didn't see that she went into the radioshack afterwards. Servant One: Nope. Servant Two: And came out with a gaydar for 2V-R8. Servant One: SHE DID? Servant Two: Yep. Servant One: Why would she do that? That's so immature. I mean nobody in Star Wars is supposed to be gay anyways. Servant Two: Don't you mean to be saying, "I can't wait for her to install it so we can prove once and for all that you're gay?" Servant One: No- I MEAN YES. Servant Two: Doesn't bother me. I'm comfortable with my sexuality. Servant One: So you admit that you're gay? Servant Two: I didn't say that. Do you have something you want to tell us before 2V-R8 says it for us? Servant One: No. Nothing at all. WELL WELL WELL, ISN'T THIS AN INTERESTING TWIST? Servant One: YOU NEVER KNOCK! Well obviously. Its because I always hope I walk in on you guys doing something sexy. I mean its obvious that one of you is totally repressed... Only now I'm not so sure which one it is! Servant One: Oh come on, you don't mean... Well hey, I won't judge. But a lot of people on fanfiction.com already did. Have you seen the slash fiction with you guys? Its totally hot. Servant One: SOMEBODY WROTE GAY FANFICTION? ABOUT US? Yea you should probably go find it and delete it or something. Unless you've got nothing to hide. Servant One: I HAVE TO GO NOW. Servant Two: There isn't any gay fan fiction of us, is there, Wrath? Hell, I don't know. There's gay fan fiction of everything else. I mean if he goes and looks for it, I'm sure he'll find it. Jaesa downloads a ton of that garbage. She has a whole folder of Harry and Malfoy going at it. Wouldn't surprise me. How about you narrator, you write gay fan fiction? Eh. I wouldn't call it fan fiction- More like slander. I used to run a fan fic blog back when I played WoW, and I'd pick out the top players on the alliance, and then write their characters into gay scenes to slander them. It was hilarious. All the trolls on the server were like, "Do me next! I want to be in the blog!" I was one of the bigger trolls in our server community. Even had guest writers. Really? Oh yea. As a matter of fact, THERE IS ONE PERSON THAT HAS POSTED IN THIS THREAD THAT'S READ IT. As a matter of fact, if you were following WoW fan fiction a few years ago, you've probably read one of my pieces. Was it any good? Oh, we'll never know. Because I'll never link it in this thread. But the best one was easily the 'ambush gay ****' wowrotica piece I wrote where it started out totally heterosexual, and then switched gears and next paragraph was all about serious dude on dude action. It was one of my greatest trolls. Is that what we're doing tonight? No. If I rolled your sister male instead of female we could have gone down that road, but I didn't. Torian Cadera is a little on the Light Side of the Force, if you catch my drift. He's not fooling anyone when he hits on Mako. Not with that Justin Bieber haircut and those ballet moves he does in combat. So what are we doing tonight? Well, you're getting laid. WELL THEN WHY DID WE WASTE ALL THAT TIME TALKING TO YOU? GET ON WITH IT THEN MISTER WRITER, I'M TRYING TO CATCH THE O TRAIN TO LADYTOWN. "We're home!" The Wrath shouted as she walked up the embarkation ramp. "I don't think we've walked that much since Balmorra." Vette moaned, dropping her purse on the common room table. -crunch- "What was that?" Vette asked, as Pierce suddenly had a brain hemorrhage. Picking up her bag, Vette found several pieces of tiny Dessler Turbo clinging to it. Pierce came out of the crew bunks just in time to sigh and be disappointed. "That was my Dessler Turbo, wasn't it?" "Eep." Vette squeaked. "Who has a Dessler Turbo?" The Wrath asked. "I did. 1:16 scale. Was about to paint it too." Pierce shrugged. "OHMIGAWD I'M SO SORRY" Vette cried. Pierce looked supremely troubled by the event until he made the connection that the woman that crushed his toy car was the one he was sleeping with. "Its alright. I can't stay mad at a woman who can suppress her gag reflex." Well, the way I described it was more diplomatic. Pierce doesn't have any crew skill bonus to diplomacy, narrator. Well, that's pretty obvious by now. "Where's Malavai?" The Wrath asked. "He's on duty. You know him, won't leave the bridge once he's clocked in, unless its on fire." Pierce explained. "QUINNIE-PIE, COME SEE WHAT WE BOUGHT!" The Wrath yelled. "Owch!" Jaesa replied. "I'm standing right here, Wrath! Use your goddam indoor voice!" "Oh. Sorry hun. I just have a really good feeling about tonight. Someone told me something good was going to happen." The Wrath apologized. Hey, you're only supposed to break the 4th wall when its funny, Wrath. Oh, so now I'm not funny? That's not what I meant. Shut up and highlight the text and make it pink and italicized, this is my show. Hey, remember that time you got a UTI? I've never had a UTI. WOULDN'T THAT BE AN INTERESTING PLOT TWIST? No. That would be like urinating napalm, which I imagine is more painful than awesome. Won't know until you try. Just be nice, okay? Only if it leads to me being naughty in a hot, sweaty, biblical fashion. Slow down there, hotshot. Screw that, let's skip the foreplay. Get Quinn in here. This is getting way to meta. More so than usual. Get your *** back in quotation marks or the reds will be bringing communism to your funhouse next chapter. Is that a period joke? Classy. Don't think I won't do it. You haven't delivered on that threat yet. Because Force Cramp has a 3 second cast time. There's no such spell. 3... 2... I'LL BEHAVE, I'LL BEHAVE! "Fine, this is just going to require a little more orthodox approach." The Wrath grinned a grinchy grin. "You can do an orthodox approach?" Vette asked. "Orthodox means I don't run in screaming obscenities swinging 4 feet of pink thunder and justice right and left like a lunatic, right?" The Wrath asked. "More or less." Vette shrugged. "Oh yea, I can do orthodox." The Wrath nodded. "Its just no fun, you know?" Hey Vette, get in here. Huh? Yea, I'm talking to you. Yea but you said I'm not supposed to do italicized color meta-text. Am I in trouble? No, we're gonna have some fun. Well I'm kind of with Pierce you know, I mean technically I'm not with him, we haven't talked about it but- Not that kind of fun you twit, we're gonna mess with Wrath! Huh? Why? Because I made the mistake of telling her she was going to get laid this chapter, and now its all she can think about, and now I'm crapping meta all over the story. Way to screw it up narrator- You know she has a one track mind, its either sex or the 80s with her. Which is why we're gonna mess with her. How'd she find out she was gonna get some action tonight anyways? We were talking about erotic fan fiction in the pre-story setup. You mean that weird Harry Potter gay sex stuff that Jaesa always reads? Exactly. Do I want to know? No you don't. Now are you in or are you out? I'm in. Good. Just turn on the Holo and look at what's on TV tonight. I'll handle the rest. Vette picked up the remote and turned on the holo. "Hey, I wonder what's on tonight?" "Probably a bunch of crap. It's friday night, nothing's ever on." The Wrath shrugged. "It says here is going to be on in a half hour." Vette replied. "You know, the live action 87 one, where Dolph Lundgren is He-Man." "Urghagh!" The Wrath flinched as the half of her brain devoted to 80s pop culture fired all its neurons simultaneously. "Gonna... Have... To... Tivo... It..." She struggled. "Trying... Too... Get... It... On." The half of her brain that was devoted to sex replied briefly. "And then after that, it's ." Vette mentioned. "Grrrrrrrkk!" The Wrath convulsed as the 80's half of her brain fired another salvo. Thanks Vette. No problem. Hey on your way out, bring Jaesa in here. You wanted to see me? Ooh! italicized colored meta-text! Yea, its a heavy meta chapter tonight. Am I in trouble? No, I just need you to go check that fan fiction site you always lurk. Right now? Absolutely. What's in it for me? A garbage bag full of Nora Roberts romance paperbacks. Really dirty ones, with Fabio on the cover. DEAL. "Hey Wrath, look at this!" Jaesa said. "Can't think... Right now." The Wrath twitched. "Libido... Fighting... The Dolph..." "Someone posted a slash fan fic of Pierce of Quinn making out." Jaesa indicated. Suddenly, the half of the Wrath's brain devoted to sex fired a deadly reprisal against its foes from the 80s side. "Really? That sounds hot!" The Wrath replied. "Oh hey, there's a Rob Halford interview on VH1 right now." Vette interjected. "He's talking about being gay." It was at that point that the Wrath's brain melted through her ears. Unable to actually walk or process information anymore, she did what all juggernaut players do- Tab targeted anything and pressed the charge key. Which catapulted her into the bulkhead door of her personal quarters. Lucky. "80s overload... Must... Get away... from TV... prioritize... Sex." She jerked, then closed her door behind her. Thanks girls. No problem. Any time. Several minutes went by where nothing interesting happened. Jaesa retired to the medbay, Broonmark remained suspiciously absent, and Vette sat down on the couch to file her nails, until Pierce grabbed her, pulled her into the crew bunks, and put his bag down on something of hers, leaving the TV on in the common room, where a Huttball match came on. ITS HUTTBALL NIGHT IN CANADA! The announcer shouted to no one in the room. "Captain Quinn, report immediately to my quarters for an emergency inspection. This is not a drill." The Wrath commanded over the intercom. Ooh, she's up to something. Ever the diligent soldier, Quinn went immediately to her door, which opened. A shadowy figure yanked him bodily through the portal and shut it tight behind him. "So, what do you think?" The Wrath asked him, wearing her own Imperial Navy uniform. "I picked it up when we went shopping today." "Its very... authentic." Quinn gulped, and began sweating profusely. "Now If you'll excuse me, I must return to duty..." "This is a very serious inspection, Captain." The Wrath teased. "I've never worn a Naval uniform. I need you to make sure everything is in order." "Yes... Of course... mustn't disrespect the uniform..." Quinn twitched. The Wrath threw her Softcap on the bed. "Clumsy me. Hat's part of the uniform. Wearing an incomplete uniform to an inspection. Tsk-tsk. I suppose I ought to be disciplined." The Wrath grinned. "My lord, I don't have the authority..." Quinn stammered. "Authority? This rank pin on my breast is only lieutenant. You outrank me, sir." The Wrath pleaded. Quinn went to put his hands on her shoulders, "Well, first, we must insure that your collar is stiff and properly starched..." But his hands never made it to her shoulders. He shoved her down onto the bed. "I- OOF!" The Wrath gasped as the wind was momentarily knocked out of her. She thought that Quinn looked strange standing over her, until he realized that the objects on either side of his face weren't his ears, they were her ankles. Hot. Quinn meanwhile, was in some form of uncontrolled manic sexual state, halfway between getting his trousers off and halfway between pinning her to the bed. Really hot. He seemed to be mumbling something to himself, but got louder and more pronounced as he flipped her over and tore the uniform jacket from her back. WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE WHALE! GRAB THE BALL! THROW THE BALL! JUST DON'T KICK THE BALL, BECAUSE HUTTS DON'T HAVE FEET! The Tv outside proclaimed. BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS MEN! IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL! ROTWORMS HAVE THE BALL! LET'S SEE IF THEY CAN KEEP IT! THIS IVORY LEG IS WHAT PROPELS ME! HARPOONS THRUST IN THE SKY! WATCH THOSE HAZARDS FROGDOGS! AIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS CROOKED BROW! AND LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE! ROTWORMS SCORE! WHITE! WHALE! HOLY! GRAIL! "Jesus Jar Jar and George Lucas. I had no idea you could make love like that." The Wrath gasped as he rolled off of her. "Captain Ahab has to get his whale." Quinn breathed. The Wrath hit him with a pillow. "Why didn't you tell me sooner you had a uniform fetish?" "I was afraid you'd think it was... weird." Quinn replied. "Are you serious?" The Wrath rolled her eyes. "That was the best sex I've had since I murdered Darth Baras. I'm wearing that uniform 3, 4 times a week."

Holy crap we're on reddit now? No wonder the pageviews suddenly exploded. I bet I knew who it was too, its that other bounty hunter that my sister hangs out, with she's a total nerd- like 400 slicing and everything. huh? You mean Mako? No, the one she plays huttball with... Has a weird name... Eau? Not ringing a bell. The chubby platinum blonde with the terminator eye? OH HER? She's hot. What? You think she's hot? Are you kidding? She' smoking. She's body type 4. She probably weighs like 120 pounds! 120lbs all in the chest and the hips. That's what you call a woman, none of those twiggy runway model body type 1 twelve year old girls. Men need protein in their diet. Oh, so I'm not attractive? You're a figment of my imagination. I write stories about you getting drunk and having sex with non player characters. Then why don't you make Malavai get it in more often? Because that's YOUR relationship, and one of the core themes of our story is that despite the fact that you're a rampaging hedonist and manipulative alcoholic, you're at heart an emotionally healthy good person that cares about people. I can't just flip a magic switch that makes Malavai put out, that's part of the story. You have to resolve it. So you're saying... ...there's a magic switch that makes Malavai put out? That's not what I'm saying at all, but on most men, that switch does exist. Its called a phallus. Is there another secret switch that makes you give me a Dessler Turbo? The switch is a metaphor. It doesn't exist. Don't try to poison my mind with all that 'writing' garbage. I'm just trying to make my boyfriend show some initiative and get a hot-as-balls muscle car. Say thanks to the redditors, Wrath. Thanks nerds! Be nice Wrath, they're not nerds. More importantly, they're fans. Whatever. As if you could talk, I've seen the history on your holo-browser. YOU WOULDN'T I wouldn't what? YOU WOULDN'T TELL THEM. I wouldn't tell them you browse the Uniform Sex section of the Imperial **** Wall, or I wouldn't tell them that you're ****** cancer that's been on /b/ all summer? Oh. Thank god. I thought you were going to say ergonomiclightsaberhilts.com Is that the site where you can order the little beeper motors to install in your lightsaber to make it vibrate? CRAP I'VE SAID TO MUCH. Say thanks to the redditors and I'll edit out the part where you just accidentally admitted your favorite shopping site for stress relieving devices. You promise? Of course. THANKS REDDIT! KISSES! <3 Is she gone? heh, sucker. As if I would edit that out. The lightsaber gag is solid gold. THANKS REDDIT!

THURSDAY AFTERNOON FAMILY REUNION The average female Sith warrior's call from her little sister. "No, I don't think its unhealthy to keep drinking after you puke, its like a challenge. You have to refill that gas tank." The Wrath explained. "That's the most profoundly unhealthy thing I've ever heard of. No wonder you get hangovers so often." Jaesa replied. "Listen to you, I'll tell you what's unhealthy. Dating Jaesa Wilsaam. Poor Chris, you screwed him in half!" The Wrath retorted. Jaesa smiled. "I haven't gotten any complaints yet." ~I'm your turbo lover! Tell me there's no other! I'm your turbo lover! Better run for cover!~ "What's that?" Vette asked. "Its my personal holo. The Judas Priest ringtone means that someone's calling from the ship." The Wrath explained. "Aren't all your ringtones Judas Priest?" Jaesa added. "Well yea, but Turbo Lover is the ship." The Wrath answered. "Wait. Which one am I?" Vette asked. "Breaking the Law, obviously, klepto." The Wrath shrugged. "Don't you ever get tired of Judas Priest?" Jaesa asked. "Don't you ever get tired of having a boyfriend-mauling car crusher for a ******?" The Wrath mumbled under her breath. "What?" "Nothing. Besides, getting tired of Judas Priest are what AC/DC and Iron Maiden are for. Duh." The Wrath replied. The Wrath hit the button on the side of the holocom and Quinn popped up. "My lord, your sister is on the line. Shall I patch you through?" He reported. " " The Wrath insisted. An unfamiliar woman in traditional Sith robes popped up on the holo. "So then I told him, 'What if I'm a colicoid?' and he thought I was crazy! scared the crap out of him, it was hilarious!" She was saying to someone out of the picture. "Ohmigawd, Little Sis, is that you?" The Wrath squealed. "Middle Sis!" The inquisitor replied. "Zoom in, let me get a good look at you!" The Wrath insisted. "She's so pretty!" Jaesa squeaked. "Oh my god, that's no fair. How come I don't have lips like yours. You won the family genetic lottery, sis." The Wrath lamented. "Yea... she's pretty cute." Vette ran off to do something else, intimidated. "What crawled up her ***?" The Wrath asked. "Is the Twi'lek your slave?" Little Sis inquired. "Nah. I mean she was a slave. I freed her. She's my best friend." The Wrath thought it was a strange question, then she remembered that their mother had sold her into slavery as a child. "So we should have dinner some time! Catch up! I'm the Emperor's Wrath you know, I bet I could pull some strings for you, get you a good apprenticeship." The Wrath insisted. "Thanks, but I'm apprentice to Darth Zash and she's awfully nice. Has me going around digging up artifacts. Work is boring, but the hours are great. I actually make the dashade do most of the work." Little sis shrugged. "Ooh, so you're that up and coming inquisitor that the Dark Council is gossiping about! I can't wait to tell Servant One and Servant Two. Is it true you killed Darth Skotia, and the dashade does your bidding?" The Wrath asked. "Oh yea, I killed Skotia. Nobody believes it though, so much the better I guess. And the dashade... You want him? He's just a big, ancient, complaining grampa. Always whining about how Tulak Hord cooked better, or Tulak Hord didn't make him clean his room, or Tulak Hord got him a bounce house for his birthday party. I had no idea there was a planet in the galaxy that could produce a walking, breathing, pain in the ***, but apparently there was." Little sis explained. "No thanks hun, I've got a full house myself. I think its some kind of weird rule in the Sith bureaucracy, everyone has to have some kind of freak on the team. Mine's a giant muppet. He cooks a killer barbeque though." The Wrath replied. "So Big sis says you're dating some guy in the Imperial Navy. How's that working out?" Little Sis asked. "He's hot. Looks good in uniform, looks better when I peel him out of it. Still needs a lot of house training though. What about you? You dating anyone now that you're out and about in the galaxy?" The Wrath asked. "Well, I met this pirate on Tatooine. Prone to violent outbursts, handy with a blaster, shoots before he thinks. Real bad boy type. I'm just keeping it casual right now though, gotta work on my career." Lil Sis shrugged. "Atta girl, there's not enough Lady Darths in the galaxy." Wrath cheered. "Darth Zash always says the same thing." Lil Sis replied. "Well she's right. Just make sure you betray her soon, okay? That's how the system works, you know, get her before she gets you." The Wrath insisted. Vette returned, but stayed out of line of sight of the holo com. "Well hey, I'm out shopping with my girls. Call you later okay? We'll set up a dinner date. Bring your pirate boytoy." The Wrath insisted. "I'll be around." Lil Sis hung up. "Well she seemed nice. I'm a little worried about who she's dating, but she can't be any worse than my older sister." The Wrath nodded. "Yea, and can you believe those lips? That pirate boy must be in heaven." Jaesa said. "God I know. But I was too polite to ask- Did you see those weird brands she had on her face? I was like why did she do all that body modification when she had such gorgeous, full lips?" The Wrath gossiped. "Your little sister's a bad seed. Even worse than your older sister." Vette mumbled. "What makes you say that?" The Wrath asked. "That line of brands that started at her throat and went all the way up her chin to her lips? Those are Hutt discipline stripes. The location and length of the brand are relevant to the behavior being punished, they start it small, only about a square inch, and then lengthen the brand in a direction for each further crime. They generally don't use them on women, to preserve their use as pleasure slaves, but for your sister to have a strip like that as long as she does, she'd have to be incredibly violent, insubordinate, and the last one..." Vette trailed off. "What? What about the last one?" Jaesa asked. "Well, they only brand a woman's lips if she's a biter." Vette mentioned. "Wow." Jaesa gasped. "Holy crap." The Wrath sighed. "Yeah. There's Belsavis prison gangs busting out of cold storage that haven't seen a woman in 20 years that would run the other direction if they saw your sister walking down the street." Vette explained. "Why is it always my family?" The Wrath moaned.

Normally we would say no, but those new loco dorritos tacos at taco bell have made us susceptible to bribery. If you live in the 310, and you bring us loco-ritos, we'll do anything. anything.

YOU ASKED FOR IT, BY POPULAR DEMAND... EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER GET ALONG... AND THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY HATE EACH OTHER... AND THEY NEVER HAVE ANY FUN... THURSDAY AFTERNOON WITH THE BOYS The mundane and normal afternoon of male ancillary characters. The door opened, breaking Pierce's concentration, and causing him to drop the tiny stick shift from his tweezers. "Dammit." He huffed under his breath. "Lieutenant, I must speak with you." Quinn asserted as he walked into the crew bunks. "I'm a little busy at the moment." Pierce rolled his eyes. "I'm afraid this will not wait." Quinn commanded, trying to look over Pierce's massive shoulder to peer at what he was doing. "What are you doing, anyways?" "Dessler Turbo. 1:16 scale. I was about to install the stick, until you stomped in here." Pierce breathed, trying to pick up the tiny piece of plastic with his tweezers again. "Isn't that the speeder that the Wrath is always ranting about?" Quinn asked. "She has good taste in cars." Pierce shrugged. "Doesn't know booze from mouthwash, but she has good taste in cars." "Well regardless, this bunk area is depressingly under standards. I'm going to need you to clean up this mess and make this room ship-shape this instant." Quinn commanded. "Not happening." Pierce grunted. "Are you disobeying an order, lieutenant?" Quinn asked. "No sir, only preventing a future tragedy." Pierce explained. "That mess over there, as you call it, is the spray booth for my air brush. Without it, that whole corner of the room will be covered in hot rod cherry red paint." "And did you secure permission to set up your spray booth there, lieutenant?" Malavai asked. "From the highest authority, sir." Pierce sneered. "I asked the Wrath herself. She said it was alright. It's only been there for the past 3 months." "And why wasn't I notified?" Quinn asked. "Two reasons. One, because she never tells you about half the things she does anyways, and Two, because it was before you were dating, and I had the pleasure of asking her permission personally. Intimately." Pierce explained. Quinn blushed. "I think the Wrath would have told me if she had granted such a permission, despite extenuating circumstances." "The Extenuating circumstance was that she had a crush on you, but you never made a move, so I asked her if I could set up the spray booth while I was on top of her. She wasn't in the mood to say no to anything I asked her for at the time, which is probably why she never told you about it, as it would involve her admitting that she was keeping another pitcher in the bullpen while she was waiting for you to get the guts up to kiss her." Pierce explained. "That's..." Quinn blushed. "Don't feel bad about it." Pierce shrugged. "Its not personal. Nice guys finish last. Although, I admit that I do feel pretty great explaining that to you now." "Well regardless, I'm going to have to insist that you clean up your modeling supplies." Quinn commanded. "Nope." Pierce grunted, applying a drop of superglue to the center spar of the model speeder. "Vette doesn't mind, Jaesa moved into the medbay, Broonmark lives in the cargo hold like some kind of Oscar the Grouch, and you sleep with the Wrath." "Lieutenant, I'm really trying to be lenient with you on this, but your gross insubordination will be brought before a higher authority if you persist in your behavior." Quinn threatened. "I do my job. You do your job. Go ahead and tell the Wrath I've been a bad boy. She'll roll her eyes and tell you to sit on it. We don't need to be doing this." Pierce finally installed the shifter. "I'm your superior officer." Quinn insisted. "And your authority is constantly undermined by your own superior officer, who tells me at every turn to politely ignore you and carry on." Pierce added another drop of super glue to the model. "I don't think you understand, lieutenant." Quinn grasped. "I understand perfectly sir, but I don't think you understand- I'm not just your subordinate officer, I'm your roommate. Its something the Wrath understands a lot better than you. Its a small ship, and we all live on it, and nobody minds that my hobby supplies are monopolizing that corner over there, so unbutton your uniform collar and loosen up... Sir." Pierce sneered. "You're the one who makes this difficult, lieutenant." Quinn started. "I know. I find it amusing. The Wrath used to tell me all the time, 'Keep it up, I love it when he does that, it makes him have to come over here and talk to me!'" Pierce imitated. "What the Wrath and I talk about are not your concern, lieutenant." Quinn huffed. "Well, Malavai, you see actually, it is. Because before she was going steady with you, she was coming to me. And if you screw this up, guess where she'll be going right back too? Do you think I'll tell her no? You see Quinnie-Pie, its not that I don't like you- Except when you pull rank, you're an alright guy. You just need to make a distinction between the Wrath your boss, and the Wrath your girlfriend, and start paying more attention to the second one." Pierce replied. Malavai was flustered. "Well, in your entire sordid career, I can at least say there was one time where you actually tried to help me, as dubious as your advice was." "More than once, sir." Pierce corrected. "I've helped you plenty." "Name one instance where you've directly contributed to making my life easier, lieutenant." Quinn commanded. "You know that thing she does with her tongue? You're welcome." Pierce grunted. Malavai left the room.

WOAH. SLOW THE HELL DOWN. Me. A virgin? Honey, when I go over to your thread, there better be a Dessler Turbo in my apartment garage to make up for all the hot loving that isn't going on in my personal garage. And I don't mean the chump package either, I'm talking $40,000 price tag full leather interior, stereo, the sport package, and the red racing stripes. Wrath, what did I tell you about different writers and different rules? You told me a lot of things, but you didn't tell me that I couldn't make extravagant demands like owning a hot-as-balls muscle speeder like a Dessler Turbo. When did you become such a gearhead anyways? All women pay attention to cars. We just pretend like we don't to keep men guessing. You think its coincidence or magic that the bad boy in high school that drove the crappy old Mustang was the one who got laid? Actually at my high school, he drove a Camaro. The kid that drove the 'Stang died of a staph infection. Point still stands, regardless of tragedy. Eh. Honestly he was a douchebag. Who gives a vintage Shelby GT500 to a kid? If I had a car like that, I'd be happy to die young. Amen, brother. What were we talking about again? We got sidetracked on cars. You still trying to get that writing job at the car magazine? Still haven't heard from the Ed-in-chief. He'd said he'd have me write a freelance piece and then we'd go from there. That sounds nerve-racking. It totally is. But seriously, what were we talking about? You were agreeing with me that Eanelinea needs to write the Emperor's Wrath as owning a hot-as-hell Dessler Turbo speeder with the sexy factory grey paint and the red muscle stripe. I don't think that's what we were talking about at all. I don't remember asking you anyways. Well, you just behave yourself, okay? Fine. Is he gone? Yea, he's gone. You see how I manipulated him, Eanelinea? He isn't hard to figure out. I can run circles around him. You just remember that. You remember it good. Because otherwise, its gonna be like Stephen King's Misery, all up in your face. DESSLER. TURBO.

THURSDAY MORNING TOTAL DEBAUCH The terrifying secret of a normally mousey, quiet, and sensitive ancillary character. Servant One: THE WRATH TOOK THE GIRLS SHOPPING ON NAR SHADDAA. Servant Two: SECRETS WILL BE TOLD. Servant One: Are you back to doing the cryptic thing? Servant Two: Huh? Not really. Its totally going to happen. Servant One: She told the guys they were just going to buy some clothes. Servant Two: And you call me the gay one. Do you have any clue? Servant One: Huh? Servant Two: The ship is full of clothes! There's 3 women on it! How much more clothes could they possibly need? Servant One: Well, they're women. Servant Two: Come on, really? Servant One: Ok, if you're so smart about girls, what are they going to do? Servant Two: The primary purpose for any social outing involving heterosexual females and no men in sight is to talk about sex. Servant One: That's just shallow. Servant Two: Says the guy who constantly accuses me of being gay because I watch Runway. Go on, do the gay joke. Servant One: The Wrath wouldn't have just arranged a shopping trip to get away from the boys so she could talk about sex. She's the busiest Sith lord in the galaxy! Servant Two: Please. She has a one track mind- Honestly, what has she done since she killed Darth Baras? Servant One: Well, she was contributing to the war effort on Ilum... Servant Two: For about a half hour, then what? Servant One: She wandered off, got loaded on Hutt tequila, and spent the last 2 weeks sleeping in until noon and watching huttball. Servant Two: Its like Married With Children, excpet she has a Twi'lek and a muppet instead of Bud and Kelly. Servant One: She really would arrange a shopping trip just to gossip about sex, wouldn't she? "So the reason I arranged this shopping trip." The Wrath explained, "Was to gossip about sex." "You said we were going to have a girls only day! Vette wanted a jacket that didn't have Empire logos all over it, and you wanted to get a casual minidress for nice dinners." Jaesa complained. "Well, we're still going to do that." Vette answered. "But really, the primary reason we're here is so that you can tell us everything about Chris. Everything." The Wrath added. "I can't believe you guys!" Jaesa blushed. "If I had known you were going to do this, I wouldn't have gone!" "Well, we know. That's why we didn't tell you." Vette shrugged. "But now that you're here, and its a 20 minute cab ride back to the spaceport, you might as well tell us." "You planned this!" Jaesa gasped. "Yes." The Wrath nodded. "I can't believe it. I never would have expected... I mean you, Wrath. To have a plan." Jaesa grimaced. "I plan things all the time! Just not things that involve numbers, or strategy, or studying, or times and dates." The Wrath protested. "I think we're losing her, Wrath." Vette worried. "Its ok, I have a plan." The Wrath replied. "Oh, that's just great." Jaesa rolled her eyes. "Come on, there's one of those goofy little Japanese stores in the bazaar, she'll never recover from a cutegasm." The Wrath gestured. "What's a cutegasm?" Jaesa asked pensively. But then it was too late. They arrived at the funny little Japanese pop culture shop. "Look Jaesa! Hello Kitty earrings!" Vette pointed. "OH MY GOD. SOOOO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" Jaesa exploded into the biggest pair of watery puppy dog eyes on Nar Shaddaa. "How did you know that would work?" Vette asked. How did you know that would work? "I have a gift for reading people. Also, she has a Hello Kitty personal holocom and a Hello Kitty diary." The Wrath shrugged. "OH MY GOD! CAN I PLEASE?" Jaesa squealed. "You know the price of Hello Kitty earrings." The Wrath grinned an evil grinchy grin. "Are you offering me a bribe to sell you my carnal secrets?" Jaesa asked. "Don't think about it like that. Think about it as an opportunity to get paid for this information while its still valuable, before I have Klepto the Twi-lek here pop the lock on your diary and just get the information for free." The Wrath pointed to Vette. "Vette would never..." Jaesa stammered. "Normally no, but Wrath's diary is pretty boring, and she can hardly spell. Dear Diary, today I complained, and then I got loaded, and then I blacked out before my boyfriend finally got the idea to have sex with me." Vette volunteered. "Am I really that bad?" The Wrath asked. "Only when you've gone 4 or 5 days without sex." Vette shrugged. "You see Jaesa, its not news. You're the only hot commodity. Everyone else's sex life is in an open book, in my case, literally." The Wrath explained. "And I'm a screamer, so nobody on the ship has to ask about me." Vette volunteered. "Oh hey that reminds me, we should buy earplugs!" The Wrath added. "Just admit that you're jealous of how much more I get it than you." Vette brushed her shoulder off. "I'd rather just shove you out the airlock and buy Pierce a mute Twi'lek girl and see how long it takes her to make him forget you." The Wrath mumbled under her breath. "What?" "Nothing. You're my BFF, I could never be jealous of the fact that you get it almost every night." The Wrath sneered. "Fine." Jaesa surrendered. "Oh don't be like that." The Wrath hugged her. "I'll let you get the nice ones, with the rhinestones." And then they bought Jaesa the Hello Kitty earrings, and they were cute, and she wore them out of the store and felt much better about herself. Wait really? Of course. Now get her to start talking. We all want to hear about it! The Wrath bought the girls soft serve ice cream, and then sat down at a picnic table in the middle of the bazaar. "So Jaesa, tell us about the time Chris took your virginity." The Wrath teased. "I'm not a virgin. It's just that up until Chris I was on a really long dry spell, what with my master and my family in hiding from the terrible Sith lord that was burning down half the galaxy looking for me." Jaesa grimaced. "That terrible Sith lord put your parents in a penthouse on Dromund Kaas, where they live like princes." The Wrath added. "Thanks for that, by the way. I guess I owe you." Jaesa shrugged. "Oh honey, its nothing between friends." The Wrath said. "Assuming you tell us all your dirty secrets." Vette added. "Yea, start from the beginning and don't skip anything." "Well, we went back to his ship, and right after I closed the airlock door behind him, I kind of shoved him." Jaesa blushed. "You shoved him?" Vette asked. "Yea, I pushed him into the common room on his ship, and I started talking really dirty." Jaesa said. "Oh come on! What did you say?" The Wrath asked. "Well, I forget the specifics, but I think I said, 'I HAVEN'T BEEN LAID SINCE ALDERAAN, NOW TEAR MY ROBES OFF AND-" NERF RODEO! ONE NIGHT ONLY! KARAGGA THE HUTT'S MOST FANTASTIC SHOW, THE PAN-GALACTIC NERF RODEO! SEE COWBOYS AND COWGIRLS AND COWALIENS FROM ALL OVER THE GALAXY WRESTLE, WRANGLE, AND TANGLE WITH THE WILDEST BRONCOS ON THE OUTER RIM! A SPECTACLE YOU CAN'T MISS, KARAGGA THE HUTT'S MOST FANTASTIC SHOW! ONE NIGHT ONLY! NERF RODEO! A hawker in the picnic grounds announced. "-LIKE ONE OF THE BAD GIRL PADAWANS BEHIND THE ACADEMY." Jaesa finished. "Wow." The Wrath said. "So he practically tore me out of my robes, threw my clothes on his pazaak table, and shoved me down on the couch, and he grabbed my-" DANTOOINE MELONS! FIRM, FRESH, PERKY DANTOOINE MELONS. NO FRESHER FRUIT THIS SIDE OF THE CORE WORLDS, IMPORTED DAILY! CLUTCH ONE AND SQUEEZE IT! FEEL THE FRESHNESS! A passing cart vendor shouted. "-Sucked so hard I almost passed out, then I pulled his shorts off and-" HUTT PLANTAINS, STRAIGHT FROM THE SWAMP. RIPE AND YELLOW, BUY A BUSHEL TODAY! EVERY GIRL LIKES TO HAVE A NICE, FAT JUICY HUTT BANANA IN HER MOUTH! Another vendor cried. "Swallowed it all but he kept going, so he pinned me up against the wall and-" CZERKA CORPORATION INDUSTRIAL DRILLING! GOT A SITH TOMB OR A LOST JEDI ARTIFACT? HIRE A PROFESSIONAL DIG TEAM TODAY. ANY PLANET, ANY ENVIRONMENT, NO WHOLE TOO DEEP, NO LOCALS TOO HOSTILE, CZERKA CAN DIG FOR YOU! HIRE ONE OF OUR INDUSTRIAL DRILLS AND FIND BURIED TREASURE ON YOUR PLANET TODAY!" A commercial announced over a loud speaker. Vette dropped her ice cream. "-And I told him to put his finger in-" THE SUNKEN SARLACC! BEST CANTINA ON THE PROMENADE! HAPPY HOUR FROM 3-6! 4 DOLLAR HUTT TEQUILA SHOTS! "-Then we got out the handcuffs and-" BLASTECH JACKHAMMER. THE FINAL WORD IN INTERDICTION AND SQUAD SUPPORT. DRIVE YOUR ENEMY INTO THE GROUND. DRIVE THEM IN WITH THE JACKHAMMER. WHEN THE BEST WANT TO BLAST, THEY REACH FOR BLASTECH. The Wrath's icecream was melting in her hands, but she didn't notice. "So we put fresh batteries in the-" VIBROSWORDS! 4 FEET OF PRECISION, LASER-CUT CIRIDIUM WITH A MONO-MOLECULAR EDGE! BUY THE BEST OR GET CUT LIKE THE REST, FROM CZERKA WEAPON TECHNOLOGIES. "-pretty much made me-" HYPERDRIVES BY CORELLIA ENGINEERING. GET THERE FASTER. GET CORELLIA. "So I grabbed his-" CUSTOM LIGHTSABER HILTS, SITH AND JEDI MODELS, GREAT SELECTION "and-" BLASTER CYLINDERS! "Then-" MISSILE MAGAZINES! "After I-" PHOTON TORPEDOES! "Just knocked me right out. Fell right to sleep afterwards." Jaesa finished. Vette's ice cream was on the floor. The Wrath's was all over her hands. She hadn't noticed. Jaesa shrugged, licked all the ice cream out of her cone, and then swallowed it whole without chewing. "How are you still alive?" The Wrath asked. "Huh?" Jaesa shrugged. "That was the single filthiest, most vile, disgusting, and amazingly scorching hot night of sexual perversion I've ever heard of, and all the women in my family spent their lives as slave prostitutes." Vette added. "I'll never look at you the same way again. You're a total freak." The Wrath admitted. "Oh yea, Chris said something about that, but I didn't understand it at the time. 'Its the quiet ones you've got to look out for' I think it was." Jaesa said. "Is that why he hasn't called for a couple days? Is he still recovering?" Vette asked. "Oh, I didn't tell you guys? He got his hip x-rayed and found out he fractured his pelvis. Had to spend the weekend in a kolto tank." Jaesa shrugged. "Do you ever have that problem? It seems like every guy I date has that problem, I thought it was just normal, like guys didn't drink enough milk or get enough calcium or something." "Jaesa, nothing about anything you do with a man is normal. In Republic space, what you do to a man might actually be considered a war crime." Vette explained. "Is that... bad?" Jaesa asked. "Only if you hate getting 8 hours of sleep and don't want every eligible bachelor in Hutt space offering to take you out to dinner." The Wrath replied. "Well what do you guys do?" Jaesa asked. "Well, for starters, we don't hospitalize our boyfriends." Vette explained. "And we don't cause property damage and vandalism every time we change positions." The Wrath added. "And I'm pretty sure I've never had to clean a ceiling after anything I've done." Vette contributed. "Oh. I thought all that was normal, and that you and Quinn didn't have sex every night because you didn't want to break the furniture." Jaesa shrugged. "Jaesa I don't think you understand. Someday, you are going to marry a man, and make him the happiest person in the galaxy for a day, then murder him on your wedding night with your superhuman sexual prowess." The Wrath said. "Technically if its an accident that's only manslaughter." Vette corrected. "Either way, you should get a really good attorney." The Wrath added. Oh my god. Did you hear all that? It was filthy! nope. and nobody else did either. huh? Why not? I mean a lot of it was completely depraved, but there were a lot of other really good ideas, I might even try that thing with the- interjections. From the ambient environment, a bunch of vendors walking by, stuff like that. Oh. So none of the audience knows? And they never will.

Sister, you don't know the half of it... He's married to his job though! Do you have any idea how many extra 'duties' I've written into his protocol manuals? I think I might have to re-write the dress code so that it prohibits imperial officers from wearing pants. But I've got a plan...

Well I really can't tell her no if she made you a redhead, Wrath. Oh, so that's what you like then? In a word- Yes. I'm red all over and you never pay any attention to me! You don't have any hair Vette, you technically can't be a redhead. Wait, you're really into gingers? I like all kinds of women. Mostly I like women that are attracted to me. But I like women who are attracted to me that are redheads best. So if I dye my hair red, I could control you and get a Dessler Turbo? I'd like to see you try, you and both your sisters have your mother's coal black hair. You'd have to bleach it first, and when it came back in your roots would look icky. You all got dad's freckles though. SO THAT'S WHO I HAVE TO BLAME FOR THOSE. When are we meeting my third sister anyways? Don't hate on freckles, they're cute. And your sister is coming chapter after next. You would think freckles are cute, you subhuman gingerphile. What? You know they're VAMPIRES right? They carry the rakghoul virus. They can't go out in the sun. That's a laugh coming from you, Snow White. I've seen Dark Side 5 girls that aren't as pale as you. You'd burn up like a roman candle if you didn't wear a hood everywhere. At least I'm not ginger. All three of your mother's daughters are pale with freckles. You and little sis both got mom's grey eyes, and your big sis got dad's green eyes. Red hair is a recessive trait. You're probably all secret carriers of gingervitis, someone on dad's side was probably a redhead. Obi Wan never told you about your father. HE TOLD ME ENOUGH. HE TOLD ME YOU KILLED HIM! Wrath, your father was ginger. NO! NO! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

What do you mean I share Pierce? I am NOT into that! That's crap! Wait, there's a parallel universe where I'm married with children? I can barely get Malavai into the bedroom as it is, how did he manage to knock me up? Guys its another writer. Its not always my rules. Oh of course you're into it, they're stroking your ego! Don't go there Vette, you aren't even supposed to get colored text. What are you gonna do, put the shock collar on me? AND WHAT IF I DID? Then that would be kinky. Like, against the EULA get you banned kinky. You tell him, Vette! I don't understand what has you guys so wound up. What if you're both responsible adults in that other writer's head? Oh, and I'm NOT a responsible adult in your story? You're a spoiled alcoholic crybaby that pouts when she runs out of chocolate cereal, you're nearly incapable of conveying your sexuality to your significant other in any reasonably communicable fashion, and the judgments you make about people are often shallow and ignorant, and then you complain when people make judgments about you that are shallow and ignorant. Your only noble trait is that you're self-sacrificing and loyal to the people you love. If another writer wrote you, you could only be improved. Wow. He sure put you in your place. Shut up. Do Vette next. Vette's fine. She just has colorful tastes in the bedroom, and a teenage anti-authoritarian attitude stemming from a lifetime of slavery. She's remarkably well adjusted for someone of her experiences. WHAT? THAT'S ALL? I GET A WHOLE PARAGRAPH ABOUT HOW NEUROTIC I AM, AND VETTE GETS ONE SENTENCE ABOUT HER SHOCK COLLAR BEDROOM ANTICS? Eventually you just build up a tolerance to the shock and start to associate it with pleasure. OK FINE. DO JAESA. Jaesa is the biggest freak on the ship, you guys just don't know it yet. Foreshadowing. Well, if you're so great and you know everything, why don't you just date this other writer, and then you can tell them everything about knowing everything. I only know everything about you, Wrath. I'm the writer. And why do you always attack my dating life? Why do you always attack mine? Because 9 times out of ten, the story is about YOUR dating life! Oh. apology accepted. I didn't say I was sorry for anything! You'll apologize for being born if I decide that you get your monthly visitor next chapter. Don't do it! Apologize to the nice writer or you'll be on the 11:00 nonstop to Cramp Town. Only because my uterus is being held hostage. I don't really care about the motive, just the results. I'm sorry Eanelinea, you can write me as married with children. But I have to have lots of sex. Wrath. And I want a Dessler Turbo in your story. Wrath! And in your story Malavai has to be rich. Like the CEO of Czerka Corporation or something. And he has to be like the galaxy's greatest lover, and all the other women in the galaxy are like super jealous that I get it from him every night. WRATH YOU'RE BEING SELFISH. Oh. Right. And give Vette a nice, full C bust. Hey!

Captain Quinn dismissed all of his non-commissioned officers, except for the disgrace. As the proper soldiers scattered to go about their work diligently, the remaining officer, lieutenant Wrath, stood at attention, desperate and confused. Huh? What's going on here? This is new. And since when am I in the Imperial Navy? "Report to my office immediately, lieutenant." Captain Quinn commanded. "Yes sir." the lieutenant gulped, walking like a woman condemned, she knew she was in a great deal of trouble- Captain Quinn was a by-the-books man. Wait what? What did I do wrong? "Lieutenant Wrath." Quinn started as he shut the door of his office behind her. "Your methods are unorthodox, your attendance is questionable, and your grades on your 11th grade math exam were terrible." Huh? "But in the past, in light of your heroic actions on the battlefield, I have found it easy to overlook these failings." Quinn shrugged. "Today however, you have crossed a line and must be disciplined." Malavai is going to discipline me? That's hilarious... ly sexy. "Sir, I don't understand, I know my record is very colorful but I haven't committed any recent infractions-" Lieutenant Wrath sputtered. "You've disrespected the uniform, lieutenant." Quinn interjected. "And when you disrespect the uniform, you disrespect the Empire, and I will brook no tolerance of disrespect to the Empire." "Sir, I-" Lieutenant Wrath began. "Your airlock is open, lieutenant." Quinn rolled his eyes. Lieutenant Wrath looked down to her uniform slacks and saw that her zipper was undone, and blushed uncontrollably. Not the first time that's happened. "You're shameful." Quinn bopped her on the head, sending her softcap to the floor. "Pick up your hat, lieutenant." Lieutenant Wrath bent over to retrieve her softcap, but when she went to rise, she found Quinn's hand on her shoulder, holding her down. "It seems to me you require a lesson in dressing yourself, as well as disciplinary action." Quinn explained. "Now, unzip my uniform trousers lieutenant." No way. He wouldn't. "Sir, both are careers!" Lieutenant Wrath protested. "Interesting how it took you up to this point to consider your career." Quinn shrugged. "Rest assured lieutenant, no one will find out about this, provided there is a plan. And I always have a plan." OH GOD THAT'S HOT. TAKE ME MALAVAI, ABUSE THE PRIVILEGE OF YOUR RANK! Lieutenant Wrath unzipped his trousers. "Now open your mouth, close your eyes, and think of the Emperor." Quinn commanded. Suddenly, Lieutenant Wrath was struck in the face with something long, fleshy, and floppy. "Wake up, sleepy head!" She heard a familiar voice. She opened her eyes momentarily to see Vette staring at her from Malavai's trousers, in the area that should have been his crotch. The object that struck her was a lekku. WHAT THE HELL "Wake up sleepy head!" Vette poked the Wrath again. The Wrath rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "What? No! No! Ah, dammit! The cyan text was a dream, it was all a dream!" "Cyan text?" Vette asked. "It was a sexy dream! and it was good! There were uniforms, and tight pants, and Malavai was in control!" The Wrath moaned. "Was I in it?" Vette asked. "Unfortunately." The Wrath groaned. "Well, it couldn't have been a sexy dream without the galaxy's cutest twi'lek. You sleep off that hangover?" Vette asked. "Did you open the airlock and let yourself out into the blistering cold abyss of deep space?" The wrath mumbled under her breath. "What?" "Nothing." The Wrath forced a smile. "Come on, get up, you said we were going shopping today." Vette pleaded. "Fine. Go get ready. Just let me take a shower and throw on a black robe or something." The Wrath replied. Then she rolled over and put her arm around Quinn. "Quinnie-Pie. Hey." She whispered into his ear. Quinn yawned. "What is it, my lord?" The Wrath forced down her irritation at the title momentarily. "If I was your subordinate officer in the military, would you take advantage of your rank to have sex with me?" "Of course not, my lord." Quinn replied. The Wrath hit him with a pillow. "WHY NOT?" "My lord!" Quinn squealed. "What prompted this assault?" "You not taking the lead more often in the bedroom, I imagine." The Wrath grumbled. "My lord, if you want me to be more forward, you need only request it." Quinn replied. "Haven't you ever had a girlfriend before? I don't want you to request it, I want you to do it!" The Wrath said. "That's unreasonable! What if you're not in the mood?" Quinn asked. "Hasn't happened yet. We need a lot more boyfriend training." The Wrath mumbled. "My lord, I'm an officer, not a pet." Quinn protested. "Boyfriends are pets." The Wrath commanded. See, this is why I don't let you have more than one. You shut up.

It was another time, with different people.

Well, what did everyone think? Servant One: About what? What do you mean about what? About what a great and self-sacrificing friend I am! Servant Two: You got sloppy drunk in an upscale restaurant and started slurring Hulk Hogan catch phrases. Well, besides that. See how I had Jaesa's back? Servant One: Oh yea, well right at the end, only after you made an *** of yourself. There's just no pleasing you guys, is there? Servant One: I just like the episodes where you're naked better. What the hell is wrong with you? Servant Two: he's a horndog. Servant One: And you're a ****. Servant Two: Ha! You would go back to that. WAIT. STOP RIGHT THERE. Don't go back into the gay joke. Servant One: What, why not? its one of our best meta gags. Because I have a hangover. Servant Two: You didn't have to drink the Hutt Tequila. Oh yea, that Satele Shan gave me as a peace offering? No, I couldn't drink that. But seriously, does no one appreciate what a good person I am? The things I do for my friends? Servant One: No I just come here to hear about you being sloppy and sexy. I was a classy Sith Lord once. Servant One: Was that before Hulkamania or before Hutt Tequila? Whose team are you on, anyways? Servant Two: Team no fun. I appreciate you, Wrath. Thanks Two, you're not bad, as far as gay friends go. Servant Two: OH COME ON. Couldn't resist. Servant One: Hey, where did Broonmark go? Ask the narrator, he's the one that figures all that plot crap out. I just shoot from the hip. Servant One: Well where is he then? Not in this post. Who cares? Its my story, people care about me. Servant One: Are you always this selfish after drinking? I figure its ok, since I'm pretty self-sacrificing and beneficent while I'm still drinking. Servant Two: Don't you think you might have a bit of a problem? What kind of problem? Servant Two: A drinking problem? No, I never leave a soldier behind enemy lines. I consider it a virtue. Servant Two: What does that even mean? Servant One: It means she won't turn down a drink once the bottle is bought and paid for. That's right. No man left behind. Servant Two: I can't decide if you're just a lush or a ****. Can't I be both? Servant One: Wow. So what's in store for you next, Wrath? We're goin shoppin. And we're gonna gossip about Jaesa's boytoy. Servant Two: After you lay down? After I lay down. If you see Quinn, yell at him. Servant Two: What? Why? Don't need a reason. Just to keep him on his toes. He's sexy when he's thinking. He twitches his eye and his mole moves. Its cute. Servant Two: You're terrible, you know that? Psh, I'm a model girlfriend. He can get it whenever he wants it. He just never wants it often enough. What are you guys doing in here without me? Shut up. Wrath, go lie down.

THURSDAY EVENING HULKAMANIA The continuing adventures of an average female Sith hulkamaniac Servant One: WELL THAT WAS INTERESTING. Servant Two: Wasn't it? Who would have thought that a random Jedi could be a better manipulator than the Emperor's Wrath? Servant One: Well, the Wrath generally doesn't give Jedi a lot of credit. Servant Two: And she didn't exactly know who he was going in. Servant One: I think the narrator really laid into that "I'm blind" gag though. Servant Two: You didn't think that was funny? They spent a whole chapter discussing costumes and alter-egos, and the guy doesn't even have eyes. That's like a Mel Brooks level joke there. Servant One: Yea. Exactly. much? Servant Two: Oh come on. Half these kids probably haven't even seen a Mel Brooks movie. its a fresh joke to them. Servant One: I think the fan fiction readership might be a little more mature than that. Servant Two: Is that why this story constantly revolves around cheap jokes about humiliation and sexuality? Servant One: I meant age, not intellectual maturity. Servant Two: Which is overrated. Servant One: Well, you're gay. Servant Two: And you hate fun. Servant One: You didn't deny it that time. Servant Two: You didn't either, killjoy. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WILL YOU TWO JUST SCREW ALREADY? Servant One: DAMMIT WRATH Servant Two: HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU TO KNOCK! Hey, shut up? Where'd Jaesa and her boyfriend go? Servant One: You didn't see? No, I got extremely turned on when I Malavai started doing his evil-genius thing. So I had to stop him. With sex. Servant Two: You go, girl! Servant One: She went back to his ship with him, for coffee. Jaesa doesn't drink coffee. It's some kind of neurotic Jedi thing. Servant Two: I think Jedi drink coffee, that's more of a neurotic Jaesa thing, like veganism. God, I should have rolled her dark side, then we wouldn't have to stop at the Whole Foods on the way back from Costco to pick up crap like organic potato chips and wheat grass smoothies or whatever that communist healthfood is. But seriously, she went back to his ship? Servant Two: What's the vernacular you use? "Up for promotion to the rank of boyfriend?" That is what I say, yes. Servant Two: Well, I'm reasonably sure she filled the position. Servant One: Heh. Position. Heh, position. Servant One: You think we're gonna have a chapter about? You mean a chapter where we discuss Jaesa's sex life in graphic detail, the way we always deconstruct mine? ABSOLUTELY. Now Wrath, be nice. Jaesa's sensitive. Oh no, narrator. You don't understand. Vette and I have to know everything about it. We are going to go shopping, and then we are going to talk about the men in our lives, I can't actually think about anything else until I know everything about Chris's bedroom performance, its like a mental condition. If we had a gay friend, we would drag him along. Servant One: That's you, Two. Servant Two: Oh come on, wasn't that a little too easy? Do you guys hear the holo terminal ringing? Not now narrator, we're talking about gay jokes here. Servant One: Nothing's "too easy" when it comes to Servant Two. Its probably Jaesa. Oh yea, right. Hey, drop us into actual story mode. "My lord, Jaesa on line one." Malavai confirmed the narrator's suspicion. Rub it in, jerk. "Transfer her to the main terminal." The Wrath commanded. "And I swear to Lucasfilm, Malavai, if you lord me one more time, we're going to cut off your boyfriend privileges, starting with activities concerning my mouth." "Yes my l- Girlfriend." Quinn caught himself. "You're so bluffing. As if you could go without it long enough to make an impression on Captain Tight Pants." Vette smiled. "Shut up Vette, you're not funny when you're right." The Wrath whispered. Then the Wrath looked back at the terminal, blushed, and turned off the visual feed. "Jaesa! Why are you holocalling naked!" The Wrath cried. "But everyone was naked on the couch last night. What's the big deal?" Jaesa asked. "Well, that was different context. Alcohol and Battletoads were involved." The Wrath explained. "Alcohol wasn't involved." Jaesa corrected. "It was after you ran off with your boyfriend. Who I hear is your boyfriend now." The Wrath replied. "It's true, I haven't had any need for pants since we got onto his ship." Jaesa blushed. "Well, as long as you're safe. You are safe right? He used protection?" The Wrath asked. "Skip the soup and go straight to the main course- Jaesa. Tell us everything." Vette interjected. "Vette! Don't be rude. NOT WHERE THE BOYS CAN HEAR. Jaesa is going to tell us everything, at a date to be specified later when we take a girls only shopping trip that I will arrange specifically for the purpose of gossiping like sixteen year olds." The Wrath said. "Yes, we used protection, the telling you everything part though I'm not so sure about." Jaesa stammered. "Jaesa, remember, I outrank you by an entire Sith Empire." The Wrath reminded her. "Yes, master." Jaesa rolled her eyes, and she got away with it because the Wrath had turned off the video feed. "So what's up, babe? You gonna spend the day with your boo? Afternoon delight?" The Wrath asked. "Well... Yes. But Chris wanted to invite everyone out to dinner. Also, can you bring me clothes? For when we go to dinner, I mean?" Jaesa asked. "But its Broonie Burger Night!" Vette whined. Her toes were stepped on by the Wrath. "Ow! What the hell, you klutz!" "If we go to dinner with them we can gossip like schoolgirls!" The Wrath whispered to Vette. "He wanted to do a couples thing." Jaesa explained. "You and Quinn, Vette and Pierce, the whole crew." "That's so charmingly teenager its borderline disgusting." Vette wretched. "What Vette means to say, Jaesa, is that aren't you moving a little fast?" The Wrath asked. "You didn't appear overly concerned when I spent all of chapter 2 and 3 with nobody to keep me warm at night but a lightsaber hilt. I'm making up for lost time." Jaesa sneered. "HA! SO YOU GUYS DO USE THEM FOR THAT! KNEW IT!" Vette shouted. "Shut up, Vette! That is not what those are for!" The Wrath facepalmed. "Well, as long as you're happy hun." "I'm better than happy. I'm sexually active again." Jaesa replied. "Well, I didn't know you had it in you to be so forward." The Wrath said. "Master, Veganism and Libido aren't mutually exclusive." Jaesa explained. "And I didn't know that." The Wrath replied. Honestly. "So how about that Huttese place on Upper Promenade, seven o'clock?" Jaesa asked. "See you there, babe." The Wrath said. "Oh, and bring my good dress. Its formal." Jaesa added. Then she hung up. "Crap. Vette, I need to borrow one of your little blacks." The Wrath turned to Vette. "I thought you didn't think you could fit into one of my dresses?" Vette replied. "That was before I had nothing to wear and no time to shop." The Wrath answered. "Touche. Let's see if we can arrange a miracle." Vette smiled. And then, the narrator skipped a long and embarrassing description about me trying to fit into one of Vette's skinny little size zeroes. I did? You did. You did it out of love for me. Especially since I actually have hips now, thanks to Broonmark's cooking. I don't think we can get away with that, Wrath. Its too good. I think we can dedicate at least 7 lines to it. 3 lines. 6. 5, and Vette gets to comment. DEAL. "Well, it doesn't look bad." Vette shrugged. "I can hardly breathe." The Wrath gasped. "But look at how much cleavage you have, bound up all tight in it. That's hot." Vette looked on both bright sides. "Small victories, then." The Wrath shrugged, which almost caused her to come out of her dress. "Beauty before Comfort, darling. That's what they used to tell the slave girls. Beauty before Comfort." Vette giggled. THAT'S 5, WE'RE DONE HERE. Ok. Now fly to Nar Shaddaa. Ha. Not rising to that bait. Quinn is going to pilot. I'm going to stand perfectly still right here so I don't cause a breastquake and upset this tectonic cleavage. Fine, if you want to play it like that, we arrive on Nar Shaddaa. And Jaesa puts her dress on. Curses. Oh come on, you think I'm not watching out for my girls? You seem to be watching your girls very carefully at the moment. **** joke. Ha. Any other brilliant feats of written humor, or can we eat dinner? Go sit down and order. Did we have a reservation? Chris made it, he isn't useless at planning like you and I are. Ooh, I like an organized man. Get off him, you've already got a man. You never let me have any fun. You can be polygamous if you want after you discuss it with Malavai. We aren't doing that chapter tonight. Can't I just be an awesome space wizard lady with a hot man-harem spaceship? No, because that requires 2 things- A EULA that doesn't prohibit erotic writing, and emotional maturity. Are you saying I'm not emotionally mature? If I gave you extra boyfriends, you'd start force choking them every time you ran out of coca krispies, and then you'd just be down to one boyfriend again. Its a foregone conclusion. You win this round. Ok, so where were we? You guys all sit down and you're chatting. Sexy chatting? Normal people chatting. Chris is talking. "So I was going through my holo collection, Wrath, and I think I found something you might want to see." Chris explained. "Oh yea?" The Wrath took a sip of her champagne. They have champagne at Huttese places? Its a nice Huttese place. and you're not getting smashed on Hutt Tequila tonight. "Its a comedy." Chris replied. "I'm not really into comedy. I like 80's action movies with too much testosterone and genre cliches." The Wrath shrugged. "I figured as much, but this comedy stars " Chris explained. "Chris, I give you permission to date Jaesa forever." The Wrath insisted. "You already said that." Jaesa added. "Its how she expresses her approval of you." Quinn indicated. "Its called Suburban Commando. Hulk Hogan is a space mercenary that crashes on Earth and ends up as a house guest of a normal suburban family." Chris explained. "HE'S A SPACE MAN AND A PRO WRESTLER? THAT'S AMAZING." The Wrath yelled. "Volume." Quinn whispered. "Oh." The Wrath looked around, embarrassed. "SORRY EVERYONE. I'M JUST REALLY EXCITED ABOUT HULKAMANIA, BROTHER." "This is why we can't have nice things." Quinn rolled his eyes. "You know what? **** 'em." The Wrath insisted. "What are they gonna do? I'm the freakin' Emperor's Wrath. If Hulkamania runs wild on them, what the **** are they gonna do?" "I had no idea you appreciated Hulk Hogan that much." Chris grinned. "You don't understand. She has a one track mind, and when someone mentions something from the 80s, she goes off the deep end." Vette explained. "And there's pretty much nothing more ridiculously 80s than professional wrestling." Pierce added. "We do not use the words ridiculous and eighties in the same sentence on my ship, lieutenant." The Wrath insisted. "We aren't on your ship right now, my lord." Pierce shrugged. "That was a courtesy reminder. Next time, Hulkamania will run wild on you." The Wrath threatened. "We have to watch that movie now or she won't shut up." Vette rolled her eyes. "OH CRAP." Chris ducked under the table, putting his head in Jaesa's lap. Jaesa squealed. "Wow, you're amazing. Didn't you guys have sex all afternoon?" Vette asked. "I'm not trying to give her a warm-up under the table, you gutter-brained twit!" Chris whispered. "Satele Shan just sat down 3 booths up from us!" "Who?" Vette shrugged. "The Grand Master of the Jedi Order." Quinn contributed. "And if she sees me here with a table full of Sith and Imperial officers, she'll kick my *** all over the core worlds." Chris explained. "She won't notice us as long as we don't make a scene." Jaesa insisted. "SATELE SHAN AIN'T ****. THE WRATH IS GONNA BEAT HER AT WRESTLEMANIA ON PAY-PER-VIEW AND TAKE HER TITLE BELT. BELIEVE IT, BROTHER!" The Wrath shouted. "What the hell has gotten into her?" Chris asked. "She's a loud drunk." Pierce explained. "She's had like 2 glasses!" He added. "From every person at the table." Vette explained, indicating to everyone that somehow all the drinks had mysteriously migrated over to the Wrath's side of the table, away from their former owners. "And Vette is a kleptomaniac career thief." Quinn added. "I have a problem." Vette admitted. "That doesn't mean you have to encourage mine!" The Wrath said to Vette. "Everyone blame the Twi'lek!" Vette retaliated. "racists!" "But you actually DID steal everyone's drinks! Right in front of us!" Jaesa added. "So?" Vette shrugged. "So... Actually, I'm kind of impressed." Jaesa admitted. "Me too." The Wrath nodded. "And Satele Shan is staring right at me." Chris mumbled. "How can you tell? You're blind." The Wrath asked. "You don't see a woman giving you a death-stare. You feel it." Chris explained. "He's right." Pierce confirmed. "He's Right." Quinn confirmed. He's right. "Its ok, she's going to the ladies room." The Wrath said, standing up. "Where are you going?" Chris asked. "To the ladies room." The Wrath took Vette's glass, downed it in one gulp, and began walking with a proficiency that was alarmingly sober considering her state. "What are you going to do?" Chris asked, terrified. "First, I'm going to settle this like ladies. Then, I'm going to take a pee." The Wrath insisted. Inside the bathroom, Satele Shan was washing her hands. "SATELE SHAN!" The Wrath kicked the door open. "YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK, BROTHER." "Well. So it is the Emperor's Wrath. I didn't recognize you with your clever disguise- Its amazing how well you pull off sloppy drunk skank." Satele fired back, with venom. "THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR, BROTHER." The Wrath returned. "I'm not your brother. Or your sister, for that matter." Satele shrugged. "The last thing on my mind before I started drinking heavily was pro wrestling. Just go with it." The Wrath explained. "So this is how you want to die then, Sith? in an unprovoked attack, hammered on the floor of a restaurant bathroom in Nar Shaddaa?" Shan asked. "Well at least its the classy part of Nar Shaddaa..." The Wrath shrugged. "I mean, NO, I don't even have my lightsaber on me. Left it on the ship. You Jedi can't attack unarmed foes. Its against your dumb rules." "What's your game, Wrath?" Shan asked. "I'm asking you for a free pass." The Wrath said. "What? You're one of the most reprehensible people in the galaxy. If you want to surrender to the Jedi Council, maybe then I could grant some leniency..." Shan considered. "Not for me, you colossal *****. For Chris." The Wrath corrected. Language, Wrath. Shut up, I'm being drunk and righteous. "So that is him, isn't it? When I'm done with him, he'll be lucky if he's teaching 6 year olds to make padawan braids on Tython." Shan threatened. "No, you won't because you're going to do me a favor." The Wrath insisted. "Humor me." Shan replied. "Because your Jedi is dating my apprentice. And if you get your panties knotted up over it and throw the book at him, I'm the one who has to feed her ice cream and dry her tears when her boyfriend gets put under Jedi Time Out for kissing girls." The Wrath explained. "And that would just inconvenience you terribly wouldn't it?" Shan grimaced. "Listen sweetheart, this is me being civil about this. I will go back to my ship and get my lightsaber and introduce you to 4 feet of pink thunder, sober or drunk, whether I can beat you or not, if that's what it takes to prove my point, but I'm not in a mood for collateral damage." The Wrath threatened. "Your color crystal is... pink?" Shan asked. "What, yours isnt?" The Wrath looked surprised. "Nevermind. That's not important. Why am I doing you any favors?" Shan asked. "What the hell is with you Jedi and your inability to see the big picture? This isn't about me. This isn't about you. This isn't about Sith, or Jedi. Its about Jaesa. Your whole ****** organization did nothing for her for her whole life, then I swooped in and took her from you. Now she finally has something that makes her happy, and you're the only one that can take it away. Do you really want to go there?" The Wrath waxed philosophical. "And why should I believe you?" Shan sneered. "What do you have to prove that this isn't a manipulation, a ruse?" "Does the name Darth Baras mean anything to you?" The Wrath asked. "Maybe." Shan crossed her arms over her chest. "It should. He's the only person that ever tried to hurt Jaesa, and I killed him for it. Believe it, brother." The Wrath explained. "You're sincere." Shan said. "And I'm a little loaded, but yea, I'm sincere." The Wrath said. "Also I really don't want to fight in this dress. It barely fits and its not even mine." "Okay Wrath. I'll do this. For Jaesa." Shan shrugged. "Thank you. After you." The Wrath gestured to the door. "No, after you." Satele said. "No, I uhm... I really actually have to use the bathroom. Don't wait up for me." The Wrath explained. "Oh. Sorry." Shan blushed. "Don't mention it, brother." The Wrath went into the stall. Satele Shan came out of the bathroom and took one dirty look at Jedi Chris, and then went back to her dinner. The Wrath's table held their collective breaths for 2 minutes, then exhaled as one when they saw her emerge from the ladies room. As The Wrath passed Satele's booth, she leaned in unexpectedly and hugged her, surprising Shan and causing her to nearly spill her drink. The Wrath sat down at her own table. "I have no idea what you just did, but I hope it worked." Chris breahted. "Oh, Satele? We had common ground. Turns out she's also a ." The Wrath shrugged. "You're never actually going to tell us what happened in there, are you?" Jaesa asked. "Nope." The Wrath grinned. A waiter came to the table with a bottle of Hutt Tequila. "Compliments of Grand Master Shan." He explained. That witch. Why does everyone always punish me for doing nice things?

Servant One: What's this about? Servant Two: Are you building up to another gay joke? Nope. Not without Wrath. She got a little huffy when I did the last post without her. Servant Two: Well, that's a relief. But seriously, when are you guys finally going to come out of the closet? Servant One: You mean, when is Servant Two finally going to come out of the closet? I don't really take Two to be the gay between you guys. I see the way you preen your little Sith Pureblood thingies in the mirror in the men's room, One. Servant One: You check me out in the men's room? Are you gay, narrator? No. I'm allowed to make observations like that. Art School. Servant One: If you're straight, then where's your girlfriend? Don't have one. Servant One: Because you're gay? No, because I'm not at a point in my life where I would be good for anyone. I need to work on my career. Servant One: Sounds gay. Or personally responsible. Student loans. Servant One: Sure buddy, whatever. Ok One, how about this... I can make it so that the Wrath installs Gaydar on 2V-R8 next episode. Are you afraid what we might find out? Servant One: We don't have to go there. So who's hiding something now? Servant One: Ok, you're not gay. Why are we doing this post again? Writing advice. Servant Two: Interesting. Like what? I can list three things that will make everyone who reads them a better writer. Over night. Gaurantee it. With sentence fragments. Servant One: Show us what you got then, if you think you're so good. Oh, I never said I was good- As a matter of fact, until I'm able to make a living off of it, I'll deny being good at it. If and when it pays off my student loan, then I'll consider myself good at it. But I can make everyone else better at it. Servant One: LESSON 1: DON'T SITH WHERE YOU EAT. Figure out what is you like to write. You probably have a guilty pleasure, a favorite genre, or maybe just a favorite situation, like Quentin Tarantino- High tension dialog. You should think about it for a minute. It should take you that long to figure out. Got it? Good. Now, go through your personal library, and throw out everything you've ever read about your favorite thing to write about, and never read any of it again. Preferably, burn them. If your favorite thing to write is Star Wars fan fiction, take all your Star Wars paperbacks, and burn them. If your favorite thing to write is sexy vampires, take all your Anita Blake books, burn them. (If you like to read about sexy vampires and you don't know who Anita Blake is, you don't actually like to read about sexy vampires, you're a twilight fan and you should feel bad.) If your favorite thing to write about is fantasy, burn your Dragonlance books. Whatever it is that you like to write best, stop reading it. Burn it, throw it out, destroy it, do anything with it, just never read it again. Especially if you read those Warhammer 40,000 books, they're especially terrible. There's a very good reason for it. Its empty calories for your imagination. Reading your favorite writing topic can't give you any good ideas. The only thing it tells you is who has already done what in that genre. It can only limit you, and it can't help you grow. You'll be hamstrung at every turn by what someone else did or didn't already do. Knowing what someone else has already done doesn't have a great deal of practical value. You might think it does, but it doesn't help you that much. Chances are, someone else already had the same idea as you- What makes a difference is how well you tell the story. You might tell it better than them. Not even Shakespeare was original- Macbeth is based on a true story. One of the only things William switched were the names. Find your favorite writing topic, and then read about EVERYTHING ELSE. This is where ideas come from. Genres are filters- They take the same ideas, and they express them in different ways. Fairies, robots, dragons, vampires, aliens- As far as the story is concerned, they're all the same thing, the same device. I can prove it- In Star Wars, there are dragons that are aliens. What's more important? The fact that the dragon is an alien, or that the alien is a dragon? Is it Sci-fi or fantasy? Does it matter? No, it doesn't. Its all semantics. How the idea is conveyed is the filter that your genre applies. There are many filters, but there are few ideas. If you want to go somewhere interesting, go where someone else didn't. If you want to find out where someone else didn't go, don't start by looking where they did go- You'll only end up researching how to follow them. LESSON 2: SPACESHIPS! Quick, list 3 great stories that have space ships in them. Star Wars (not the prequels) Dune (Not the prequels... Thanks for nothing, Brian Herbert.) Firefly (Thanks for everything, Joss Whedon. Thanks for nothing, Fox.) What do all these stories have in common that make them great? NOT SPACE SHIPS. Star Wars is the adventure of a lost son who redeems his forgotten father. Also, there's space ships, but they aren't important. Dune is the adventure of a lost son who mobilizes local guerillas to avenge his father's murder. Also, there's space ships, and spice, but they're not important. Firefly is the story of the Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne. Also, he ROBBED FROM THE RICH AND HE GAVE TO THE POOR, STOOD UP TO THE MAN AND HE GAVE HIM WHAT FOR, and a space ship. Not important. Do all these stories have space ships in them? Yes they do. And, you can probably name 3 other great stories that have space ships in them. But do space ships make them good? Are space ships even relevant? No. They aren't. Because space ships don't make stories. The space ship is irrelevant. Good stories are always about one thing- People. People make good stories, because people are what we care about. You don't actually really care what a space ship does, you spend 90% of your day thinking about you. You want to read about things that remind of you of yourself, whether you know it consciously, or you don't know it, and you just do it subconsciously. And you do it subconsciously. And you do it subconsciously. Here's another good example- Mass Effect 3. Is ME3 about the Normandy? No. Mass Effect is about making Shepard have sex with everything, just like his great forebear in the field of xeno-banging, Captain James T. Kirk. Why do we care more about what Shepard is doing with his genitals than what he's doing with his space ship? Because we can relate to wanting to have sex with everything. Figuring out how to have sex with everything is why we get up in the morning. A study claims that adult men think about sex every 7 seconds. Another study claims that they don't. Google it. Do you care? Does it matter? No, it doesn't matter- Because here's what we care about: Who are we going to make Shepard have sex with next? LESSON 3: SPEAKING OF HAVING SEX WITH EVERYTHING, WHAT ELSE MAKES YOUR CHARACTER NEUROTIC? Remember how I said that space ships aren't important, and that people are? Specifically, people like Kirk, Shepard, and the Imperial Agent, who spend all day hooking up with aliens, because we would if we could too? That's the kind of thing that makes your character interesting. Not their toys, not their lightsaber or their space ship or which gun they use, the things that make them normal people. Little mundane details are how we define our characters. Its what grounds them, what makes them real, and relatable. How your character handles their lightsaber isn't interesting- Nobody actually has a lightsaber. Its a fictional, intangible object. It doesn't help us get to know your character, its an unknown factor. Things that are everyday normal details are the window into your character's soul. What their interests are, what kind of people they're attracted too, that thing they do when they think no one else is looking, the words they always mispell, their favorite restaurant. Details that you can relate to are important details. They're the details that make you say, "I'm like that" or "I've been there" or "This person is like me." Making your reader say "This person is like me." is the goal. If your reader thinks of themselves as your character, game over, you win. People like themselves- We have ego. If you make your reader identify with your character, YOU CAN CONTROL THEIR BRAINS AND REPLACE THEM WITH POD PEOPLE TO DO YOUR BIDDING. It worked for Stephenie Meyer, she did it to a whole generation of teenage girls. Little mundane details is what we remember characters by. Its what defines them. Watch, I'll prove it. I'll list one random quirk about a character, and you'll be able to pick out exactly who it is, without knowing anything about their space ship or their car or their lightsaber or whatever inconsequential detail relating to the plot of the story they're involved in. This tomgirl hates needlework This troubled woman gets a tattoo every time she is the victim of a sex crime. This wine aficionado hates Merlot. He wears a silly hat his mother made him. Want to see one of mine? This woman is addicted to Cocoa Krispies. So you probably understand now, what makes your character likable. Its not their lightsaber, its not their blaster. Steel isn't strong. Flesh is strong. What is the sword without the hand that wields it? Take James Earl Jone's advice.

you couldn't tell? my friend Melissa could always tell when I was writing a woman protagonist. Guess I'm getting better.

Servant One: WOAH WAIT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT GARBAGE? Servant Two: NARRATOR, GET IN HERE! What do you guys want? Servant One: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT DO WE WANT?" Servant Two: YOU LITERALLY HAD THE ENTIRE CAST NAKED IN A ROOM. Well, technically, Broonmark is always naked. Servant One: He's a muppet. They don't count. Servant Two: Yea, that's not what this is about. So what is it about then? Servant One: What's with the foreplay? You had the whole cast in their birthday suits, and they all run off to get laid where we can't see them! How come you never write sex? Well, first of all... That's against the EULA. Servant Two: Oh. Right. And Second, even if it wasn't, I wouldn't. Because that's not how you write erotic fiction. We're erotic enough in this thread already without it. Servant One: What, you can't write sex? No, I don't have too. Its hotter that way. Servant One: How? Because in order to write sex, you have to think like a woman. You can't actually see it- You're reading it. Things like how physically attractive the participants are, they don't count for anything. There's no pictures. The emotion, the circumstance, the foreplay. You don't write good sex, you write good foreplay. Servant One: That doesn't make any sense. Ok, let me put it like this... He got on top of her and put himself inside of her. Servant One: Well that's not very hot. See, that's my point... it's not interesting, its just what happens. Basic biology. It always ends the same way. The sex itself, its not that interesting. Servant One: I'm not convinced. Now, If I wrote about how he looked at her, what her hair smelled like, how soft the skin on the back of her neck was, the way he held her hand as he led her to the bedroom... That would be hot. The event itself isn't of any consequence. Servant One: how'd you learn all that? What. You think I've never written erotic fiction? Please. Servant Two: Did you ever write gay erotic fiction? Absolutely. It's the same rules, regardless of orientation. Servant One: WOAH WAIT WHAT. Servant Two: interesting. Servant One: DUDE WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT? Because this whole post was an elaborate set-up for a 'servant two is gay' joke, obviously.