Codedrago Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 NOTE:spoilers if you haven't gotten to chapter 3 of the Sith warrior story Chapter 1:The beginning of Chaos It was a normal day on the imperial fleet A Zabrakon sith Marauder was walking through the fleet when a Women walk up to him ''Lord Blaze Darth Malgus would like to see you'' the women said ''again that's the seventh time he's need my help why doesn't he handle his own damn problems'' Blaze growled ''what could be more important then helping Lord Malgus'' the women asked ''that is private'' Blaze said with fire in his eyes ''ok but I suggest you see him'' the women suggested ''FINE i'll go see that lazy little'' but Blaze was cut off ''I also suggest you don't insult him'' it had been 1 day since Barass new apprentice tried to blow Blaze up Blaze was on his way to Belvis to stop the escape of Barass sister but of course Malgus has a assignment that steers him away from his task After taking the elevator down Blaze made his way to the holo terminal after pressing a button a hologram of Darth Malgus appeared ''ah Blaze we meet again'' Malgus said smugly ''what do you want Malgus'' Blaze grunted ''right down to business huh Blaze'' Malgus laughed ''MALGUS'' Blaze yelled Malgus suddenly stopped laughing and narrowed his eyes at Blaze ''don't threaten me Blaze'' Malgus threaten ''what do you want'' Blaze asked ''there's something strange happening at our lab on Tatooine'' Malgus explained ''what's so strange'' Blaze asked ''we lost contact with the head scientist doctor Geossis'' Malgus continued ''and you want me to go there and find out why'' Blaze asked ''of course'' Malgus stated Blaze disconnected and walked off contacting his crew on his holo monitor ''Quinn started the engine we're heading to Tatooine'' Blaze said to Quinn ''of course my lord'' Quinn saluted Blaze turned the holo monitor off and headed for his ship The Fury orbited Tatooine ready to land ''my lord we are ready to land'' Quinn told Blaze ''ok team get ready as soon as we land get ready to meet some Rakghouls'' Blaze briefed the team ''I suggest we split up it will make it easer for us to hunt'' Broonmark suggested ''good plan Broonmark you,Pirce and Jeasa go through a different entrance me,Vette and Quinn will go in up front'' Blaze explained ''all right get ready we're landing'' hoped you liked it :D:D:D:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tatile Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 I suggest you address your sentence structure, I had quite a hard time getting through the first bit of dialogue, unfortunately. If you need any help, just say and I'd be happy to assist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Codedrago Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 Improve it how? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tatile Posted June 5, 2012 Share Posted June 5, 2012 There's little to no punctuation, the action is confused, as are the tenses. Example: it had been 1 day since Barass new apprentice tried to blow Blaze up Blaze was on his way to Belvis to stop the escape of Barass sister but of course Malgus has a assignment that steers him away from his task It would read better as: It had been one day since Baras's new apprentice had tried to blow Blaze up. Blaze was on his way to Belsavis to stop the escape of Baras's sister; but of course Malgus had another assignment to steer him away from his task. And that's not even addressing the problems of the first and second sentences making no sense in relation to each other. A little more information, exposition, would be better, perhaps even mentioning Darth Ekkage by name, rather than merely referring her to her by her biological relations (and thereby stripping of her of her autonomy?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Codedrago Posted June 5, 2012 Author Share Posted June 5, 2012 Chapter 1: beginning of chaos part 1 ''Shief you still there'' a voice came from the earpiece n the ear of the white Zabak Trooper LT.Shief was the leader of H.A.V.O.C squad. after the last Havoc squad defected he took over leader ship so far he had gotten three new members Arc Jorgan Emma Drone and M1-4X ''Shief here'' Shief said putting his hand to the ear piece ''what's your position over'' came the voice o Arc Jorgan ''I'm deep in the lab but it doesn't really look like a lab but more like a old ruin'' Shief replied ''Lab or not you need to find Doctor Genosiss'' Jorgan said ''right I'll keep moving '' Shief replied Shief continued through the ruins when he came across a room it was a big room with a load of pillars and one Chiss man he was putting some weird red substance into a vial ''yes yes I finally found it the final part soon you will be born my child and the galaxy with be turned to chaos'' the man cackled ''Doctor Genosiss?'' Shief asked the man spun round in surprised ''yes I am him what are you doing here are you Imperial'' Doctor Genosiss ''Doc I'm with the republic you need to come with me'' Shief asked ''no republic interrogate and imperials execution no you go to hell'' Genosiss replied ''well that's rude'' Shief said crossing his arms Suddenly Doc Genosiss ran away from Shief into a hallway Shief followed him but the wall closed behind Genosiss ''HEY DOC OPEN THE WALL'' Shief yelled ''NO YOU DIE NOW ME SET BOMB'S IN ROOM YOU GO BOOM BOOM'' Genosiss yelled back suddenly the pillars started to explode ''you son of a whomp rat'' 5 Minuets ago with Blaze Blaze,Vette and Quinn were waling through the ruin ''this place is old'' Vette said ''yep what were they researching?'' Quinn said observing the writing on the wall while Blaze stared at Vette for some reason ''what have I got something on my face'' Vette said feeling her face ''uh yeah its gone now'' you couldn't tell but Blaze was blushing ''WAIT do you hear that'' Blaze said stopping the group two voices were heard '' ''Doctor Genosiss?'' one of the voices said ''yes I am him what are you doing here are you Imperial'' the second voice said surprised ''looks like we found the Doc'' Quinn said ''Doc I'm with the republic you need to come with me'' the first voice said ''uh oh the republics here'' Vette stated ''no republic interrogate and imperials execution no you go to hell'' Genosiss voice replied the sound of running was heard and then a crash ''HEY DOC OPEN THE WALL'' the first voice yelled ''open the wall?'' Vette questioned ''NO YOU DIE NOW ME SET BOMB'S IN ROOM YOU GO BOOM BOOM'' Genosiss yelled back ''boom boom'' Vette repeated ''uh oh GET DOWN'' Blaze yelled as he pushed Vette and Quinn down and then explosion's started the happen all over Did you like it next chapter coming soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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