Thursday Morning Wrath

[Doozzer]

THURSDAY MORNING EMPEROR’S WRATH

the mundane and ordinary life of an average light side female sith warrior

 

 

The time was 10:01am standard, and Malavai Quinn hit the button that opened the door to the personal quarters of the Emperor’s Wrath.

It didn’t do anything.

Because the door was already open.

It also had the Wrath’s robe in it. There was a trail of her clothing leading from the ship’s disembarkation ramp at the rear to her quarters.

Malavai cleared his throat to make a noise, which was answered in kind with a thrown black silk pillow in his general direction.

“Apologies my lord, but you left standing orders to wake you at ten-hundred hours.”

The Wrath grumbled into her pillow. “What time is it now?”

“10:01, my lord.” Quinn replied.

“And where was I last night, Captain?” The Wrath mumbled.

“My lord was in a Nar Shaddaa dive bar engaged in a drinking contest with Lieutenant Pierce, my lord.” Quinn said.

“And who won?” The Wrath replied.

“I believe you did my lord, although it was on the 7th round of Hutt Tequila.” Quinn adjusted his uniform collar.

“And, when Hutt Tequila was involved, did I not mention that standing orders for wake-up protocols were rescinded?” The Wrath rolled over in her bed and readied herself for another daring pillow-related assault.

“No my lord, you never gave any such order.” Quinn gulped.

There was indistinguishable grumbling into the pillow.

“Malavai, you are up for promotion-” She said.

“You honor me, my lord.” Quinn interjected.

“To the rank of Boyfriend. Your duties in this new office include servicing your lord carnally, and NOT WAKING HER UP WHEN SHE HAS A HANGOVER. If you are found in dereliction of these duties, you will be courtmartialed, broken up with, and shot out of the airlock. Do I make myself clear?” The Wrath moaned.

“Yes... Yes, at once my lord.” Quinn kicked The Wrath’s robe out of the way of the door and closed it.

 

The Wrath laid in bed for the better part of another half hour, thinking to herself.

Why did I let Pierce order Hutt Tequila?

Why am I even attracted to Malavai?

It occurred to her, looking around the room, that she had no idea where her pants were. She had no idea if there was even a drawer on her ship that had pants in it, everything on the Sith Fury was black, grey, or had a red blinking light.

Oh that’s why I date him. Organizational skills.

The Wrath eventually rolled out of her bed with all the grace of a sick nerf, found her robe on the floor, put it on, and staggered out of her room into the common area.

“Morning, my lord. Congratulations on your victory last night.” The lieutenant grinned.

“Shut up.” The Wrath replied. “Go do that thing I always tell you to do whenever you’re not out shooting people.”

“Right away my lord. Would that be slicing missions or having one-nighters with you in the cargo hold?” Pierce chuckled.

“I’m still to drunk to f- OH MY GOD TELL ME WE DIDN’T.” She yelled.

“No, that was last month. You staggered onto the ship and fell into bed.” Pierce reported.

“Oh thank Lucasfilm. That was a one time thing, okay? You’re not dating material. I’m not going to do the whole boyfriend thing with you. I mean, dismissed. Yea. Go do things while I sit here and sober up.” The Wrath flopped down on the couch.

I’m not THAT cheap. I’m a classy Sith Lord. I mean, I wouldn’t sleep with Pierce again unless there was like a really good reason, like if Malavai betrayed me, or something.

No sooner did Pierce leave than Jaesa came into the room.

“My lord, I must speak with you, is it safe?” She asked.

“That depends, did your Jedi masters teach you any hangover cures that worked?” The Wrath replied.

“No... My lord, Jedi don’t drink. At least not until they cut off their padawan braids.” Jaesa explained.

“No wonder they’re all so useless in a fight.” The Wrath observed.

“My lord, please. I’ve found another Light sided Sith. Can we aid them?”

Sigh, being light sided sure is a pain in the *** sometimes. This girl really stretches it.

“I dunno Jaesa, do we have to do this right now? I kind of have a headache.”

“But my lord,” Jaesa squealed. “He could be discovered at any moment!”

“Fine. Call him up and tell him he can sleep on the couch. But no pets. If he’s cute, you can keep him.” The Wrath sighed.

“Keep him, master? I’m not sure I understand.” Jaesa blushed.

“You could use a boy-toy, loosen you up a bit.” The Wrath mumbled.

“I don’t... follow, master.” Jaesa insisted.

No surprise there. I wonder what she would have been like if I told her to embrace the dark side? She’d probably go off the deep end and end up being a romance option for a male player.

Jaesa left, confused.

“Hey go get me a class 4 lockbox or something!” The Wrath yelled back at her, and then started mumbling at the droid.

“2V-R8, coffee. Black. get your metal *** in gear or I swear by all the powers of Industrial Light and Magic I’ll deactivate you so fast your batteries will spin.”

“Yes my lord!” The droid piped up, then came back shortly with coffee.

“Does it please my lord?” The droid asked.

“Yea, shut up. Go do slicing missions.” The Wrath sipped her coffee.

“A TASK! JUST FOR ME? OH THANK, YOU MASTER!”

 

The Wrath sat and drank coffee for awhile and clicked the holo on to see what was on the TiVo. She was very disappointed to see that someone had deleted the Huttball match she wanted to watch, and replaced it with Corelia Shore. Slowly, while she watched Shookiee the wookiee get drunk and tangle her hair extensions, her hangover abated. She turned the holo off after The Sithuation gained a cheap 50 dark side points by telling Shookiee’s mate that they had hooked up.

 

It occurred to The Wrath that she had been a jerk that morning and that she ought to go apologize. She thought about saying she was sorry to Quinn.

Screw that. I don’t want him to get any ideas that its ok to wake me up after I’ve been drinking. He needs to learn some boyfriend instinct.

She thought she should apologize to Jaesa.

What? Why?

SHE THOUGHT SHE SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO JAESA.

Oh right, Light side 5. Gotta get those relics. Fine.

Jaesa was meditating in the medbay, which was pretty typical for her.

“Hey, Jaesa, did you get in touch with that Sith good guy?” The Wrath asked.

“Oh, uh, he hasn’t called back yet.” Jaesa replied.

“Well did he have a cute bu- I MEAN, hey, I’m sorry I said those things about you an hour ago. That was mean.” The Wrath apologized.

“I don’t understand, Master? What mean things?” Jaesa was confused.

The Wrath didn’t know what to think.

“So, Jaesa, when you were in the Jedi academy, was there ever a boy padawan that you liked, like more than a friend?” The Wrath asked.

“Nope.” Jaesa shrugged.

This is going to make a lot more sense when Bioware gives us same-sex romance options. The Wrath thought.

“Alright, I’m going to see what Vette is up too!” And then, before Jaesa could say anything awkward, The Wrath left the room.

 

“Hey Vette!” The Wrath greeted her former slave.

“Oh, hi my lord.” She said. “Didn’t think you’d be up this early.”

“Yea, me neither... Quinn woke me up. Jerk. Oh hey, that reminds me- You know that thing you do that really annoys him?”

“You mean when I do my impression of that admiral that screwed up his career?” Vette chuckled.

“Yea, that. Do that today. Like a lot. Do it for me.” The Wrath said.

Then she remembered she was going for Light Side 5.

Nope.

THEN SHE REMEMBERED SHE WAS GOING FOR LIGHT SIDE 5

Scrub it off with Diplomacy.

FINE.

“Of course, my lord.” Vette obliged.

“Oh and god dammit, how many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me ‘my lord’? You’re like my best friend.” The Wrath insisted.

“Sorry my lord. Force of habit. Sith business, Grr! Argh!” She gestured.

“Oh come on, we’re not that bad.” The Wrath pouted. “They talk up the whole ‘kill everyone else’ thing at the academy a lot, but it’s not really that evil. We had extracurricular programs and everything. I was on a volleyball team. The Kor’slugs. We were the champions of the Korriban All Sith girls volleyball league.”

“Really?” Vette laughed.

“I used to have the trophy but I vendored it for credits on Tatooine to buy a new lightsaber hilt.” The Wrath shrugged.

“Oh hey, are we going to that Sith Formal on saturday night?” Vette asked.

“Eh... I dunno. I’ve got nothing to wear and I kind of want to lose 5 pounds. My Sith pants feel a little tighter than usual lately.” The Wrath shrugged.

“You want to borrow one of my little black dresses?” Vette offered.

“Yea right, as if I could fit into one of your little body type 1 slips. Maybe we’ll go shopping after-”

The Wrath was cut off by the beeping of the intercom.

“Call for you, my lord.” Quinn said.

The Wrath rolled her eyes, and then walked back to the common area to access the holoterminal.

It was the Hand of the Emperor on line 1.

“WRATH. WE WERE ON THE WAY BACK FROM KORRIBAN AND STOPPED AT A SANDWICH SHOP TO GET LUNCH. WE WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WANTED ANYTHING.” Servant One said.

“THE WRATH MUST ORDER.” Servant Two added.

“Oh. Uh... damn, is it lunch time already? Okay fine. 12 inch turkey-bacon-avocado on wheat with cheddar.” The Wrath replied.

“IS THAT IT?” Servant One asked.

“THE WRATH HESITATES.” Servant Two added.

“Uhm... Get me a diet coke and a bag of barbecue potato chips too, I guess. The baked ones. I think I need to start a diet.”

The Hand of the Emperor hung up, and The Wrath pinched herself on the tummy.

I’m not fat. I’m still only body type 2, it sure beats the hell out of being a skinny twi’lek.

[cocopants]

I love you.

 

I really really really really do.

 

I wish I had your skill.

[Doozzer]

Servant One: WE BRING YOU THE UTTERLY TYPICAL CONCLUSION OF THE WRATH'S AFTERNOON!

Servant Two: THE WRATH'S EMBARRASSING LOVE LIFE!

 

 

THURSDAY AFTERNOON EMPEROR’S WRATH

The continuing mundane afternoon of an average female Sith warrior.

“Let’s go in that one!” The Wrath pointed to a department store sign.

 

“Forever TK421? Ew. No. I don’t think they have anything your style in there, its all colorful and seventeen years old kind of stuff- More Jaesa’s thing.” Vette explained.

 

“Ew. Okay. You know what? You’re the Nar Shaddaa local, you pick the shopping spot.” The Wrath told Vette.

 

“Much obliged. There’s a kick-*** little boutique on the lower promenade that all the twi’lek girls get their dancer outfits at, they have some pretty raunchy stuff you might like.” Vette insisted.

 

“Raunchy? I don’t know. Its a Formal. I was thinking of something a little more serious.” The Wrath said.

 

“What? The dress you wore last year was pretty daring. Didn’t the plunging neckline go all the way down to your belly button?” Vette asked.

 

“Well, last year I was Darth Baras’s apprentice, this year he’s dead and I’m the highest Sith authority in the empire. I think I kind of owe it to myself to class it up this year.” The Wrath shrugged.

 

“But that dress looked really good on you!” Vette teased.

 

“Honey, I killed in that dress.” The Wrath admitted.

 

“You did.” Vette nodded.

 

“No, I mean I literally killed a man in that dress. Some creepy smuggler grabbed my *** and I went full Dark Side on him. Ruined the dress. Never got the blood stains out.”

 

“Moving on.” Vette shrugged. They went into the sexy twi’lek store. It was full of things too awesome and racy to be described and still comply with the forum’s TOS.

 

“Oh my Lucas!” The Wrath whispered. “Its like the kind of store that 16 year old boys fantasize that women shop at.”

 

Vette rolled her eyes. “Or its the kind of store your master makes you shop at when you’re a slave.”

 

“Oh... OH! I’m sooooo sorry.” The Wrath was mortified.

 

Wait, is that the same shock collar Vette was wearing when I met her?

It is!

 

“Vette, I don’t think I’m naive when it comes to that sort of thing, but why does this fetish shop sell slaving tools?” The Wrath asked.

 

Oh wait! No, I take that back! I don’t actually want to know the answer to that question!

 

Vette shrugged. “Marital aid. Kind of like those 8 lightsabers in your underwear drawer.”

 

WOAH. WOAH. NO WAY. SLOW DOWN.

 

“THAT IS NOT WHAT THOSE ARE FOR. They are weapons. I collect them. Most of them saved my life on occasion, I can’t just throw them away, they’re like old friends.” The Wrath insisted.

 

“What about that one with the little studs on the shaft? He looks pretty friendly.” Vette grinned.

 

“That’s not a... uh... a SHAFT. That’s a hilt. And its ergonomic. Its for helping your grip.” The Wrath blushed.

 

That sounded even dirtier. Narrator! Where the hell are you? Bail me out!

You’re on your own on this one, girl.

Come on! This is way too deep! You’re gonna get us both banned!

Only if you promise to do your light side diplomacy missions like a good girl.

That’s not fair! I’m not gonna pay two thousand credits just to get a pile of sleen tails for Broonmark! That’s my weekend fun money!

Well I guess you better figure your own way out of this one then, Because otherwise everyone in fan fiction is going to know all about your personal business, Wrath.

Ok fine! You win! I’ll do the damn diplomacy missions. Please!

 

“I feel suddenly compelled to change the subject, even though its contrary to my character and I would never normally turn down any opportunity to pry into someone’s humiliating personal life.” Vette felt herself saying.

 

She shook her head briefly to try to get the narrator to stop tugging on her lekku, but ultimately behaved herself. “Okay what about this one? Its not as daring as your last dress but it still shows some pretty good skin.”

 

“Eh, see that’s what I’m trying to avoid. You have great skin. You’re all colored pretty and have sexy tattoos. I tangle with people who try to chop me into stew meat with lightsabers all day, I’m all freckles and scars.” The Wrath explained.

 

“Freckles are cute though!” Vette insisted.

 

“Yea, when you’re like six.” The Wrath shrugged. “I was thinking maybe something more kind of fetishy? Like still sexy, but not revealing? Maybe like a high collar, long sleeves, long skirt?”

 

“You mean like this one?” Vette picked out a dress. “Check out this slit up the thigh, that’s hot.”

 

“It might be too risque.” The Wrath shrugged.

 

“No way girl, you have great hips. Besides, if it was like, completely skin tight, that’d be a little too fetishy.” Vette insisted.

 

“You’re probably right. I can just get some ****** thigh-highs and a garter and work it. You really think I have good hips?” The Wrath asked.

 

“Oh yea. That extra 5 pounds you put on really curved you out. Its good. Malavai will like it.” Vette nodded.

 

So I did gain 5 pounds!

 

“Ugh. That reminds me. We’re having Broonie Burgers for dinner tonight.” The Wrath moped.

 

“Yea I was meaning to ask you- Why do we have that giant murder muppet on our ship again?” Vette asked.

 

“Ok look, I admit it was a bad decision. At the time I thought the idea of a sociopathic giant walking stuffed animal was kind of funny. But he’s creepy and he sheds everywhere, and I’ll be honest, I have no idea what the hell he’s saying when he makes those honking noises. I have to read the subtitles too.” The Wrath admitted.

 

“But he sure can barbecue.” Vette added.

 

“Which is why I’m up 5 pounds, and why we’re keeping him.” The Wrath concluded.

 

“So are you gonna take Malavai as your date to the formal? He cleans up nice and wears the dress uniform well.” Vette asked.

 

“Eh... I kind of thought about going solo on this one. I don’t want to get trapped in any conversations with manipulative Sith lords and have to stand there and listen to them hash about their elaborate strategies and plans.” The Wrath explained.

 

“Isn’t elaborate strategies and plans the thing that Malavai is really good at? He could talk that kind of junk all night with those guys.” Vette added.

 

Oh wait. Malavai getting all evil genius is also the thing that turns me on.

 

“Yea... I’m defintely taking Malavai straight to bed- I MEAN TO THE FORMAL.”

 

“Good for you!” Vette teased. “Oh hey, can I ask you a favor?”

 

“Anything for you Vette, you’re my BFF.” The Wrath replied.

 

“So I’m not seeing anyone lately... Can I borrow that one lightsaber?”

I hate you so much, narrator.

HEY THAT WASN’T ME, THAT WAS VETTE.

I hate you sooooo much.

[DarthRamette]

These are awesome and so funny. Keep it up!

[cocopants]

I love you.

 

Lots.

 

For writing this.

 

And continuing it.

 

And making me laugh so hard I spit my bacon pasta out all over myself.

 

(true story)

[Dranyari]

I... I think I might have actually pulled a muscle laughing so hard. Oh my God, this is so brilliant. The banter, the meta, EVERYTHING!

 

Oh God please let there be more soon! *gets on knees and begs*

[Doozzer]

well i just got laid off at work today (as a research writer)

so its looking like it might be a productive weekend (as a creative writer)

 

THE WRATH IS BETWEEN JOBS.

[Doozzer]

SATURDAY AFTERNOON EMPEROR'S WRATH

The continuing mundane and normal life of a light side female Sith warrior.

Servant One: THE WRATH WENT TO LUNCH WITH HER SISTER, THE GALAXY'S MOST NOTORIOUS BOUNTY HUNTER.

Servant Two: THE WRATH'S FAMILY SHENANIGANS

Servant One: Shenanigans? Really? You're slipping, man.

Servant Two: I MEAN, SOMETHING CRYPTIC!

 

"So I can't believe you, of all people, are married." The Wrath said. "Mom said you'd be a bachelorette forever."

 

"Yea well, mom's an exception." Public Enemy Number One shrugged.

 

"Exception to what?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Exception to the rule that after I prove someone wrong, I shoot them in the face." Public Enemy Number One shrugged.

 

"Well, we just all kind of thought you were a total black widow. I mean, you did shoot your senior prom date." The Wrath elaborated.

 

"He ran off right before the slow dance started to try to pick up some other girl. What was I supposed to do, pick the light side option and let him play me?" Public Enemy Number One rolled her eyes.

 

"He was a teenage boy. He'd go after anything that walked and wore a skirt if it batted their eyes at him. That's what they do." The Wrath replied.

 

"Well, I might not have shot him if she was hotter than me, I could understand that. But she was dumpy looking. It was a personal insult. Bang." Public Enemy Number One made a shooting gesture with her finger.

She's as charming as I remember her!

 

"So how did you get all wifed up anyways?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Well, you know how it goes, I was running around the galaxy, shooting people, getting paid, generally getting hassled by Jedi over some crime I committed that was only a crime if you considered Republic Law to be sovereign, and shooting the defenseless and unarmed to be wrong..." Public Enemy Number One started.

 

"Why don't you tell me less about the war criminal part and more about the guy." The Wrath interjected.

 

"Oh right. Well, He's Mandalorian. Like really traditional Mandalorian. And he kind of met all the requirements I have for a man, you know? He did good damage, cooked, didn't talk a lot, and he had a libido like a wild rancor." Public Enemy Number One explained nonchalantly.

 

The Wrath nearly spat out her drink.

 

"So when he proposed, and he was like 'blah blah blah marry me' something in Mando'a, I was like, well, I'm not getting any younger, and I haven't shot him yet. Might as well try it." Public Enemy Number One shrugged.

 

"So how's it working out then?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Don't get married." Public Enemy Number One insisted. "Find a man and just keep him, but don't marry him. I married him because he didn't talk a lot, and then right after the honeymoon, he wouldn't shut up. All this crap about how we were going to have all these kids and raise them as proper Mandalorians, and go on family hunting trips and fight Jedi... I almost shot him right there, but we were in low orbit over Ilum and there wasn't another man for 5,000 parsecs to replace him with."

 

"So you don't want to have children? Ever?" The Wrath asked.

 

"I dont know. Maybe if they were force sensitive like you, then I could just drop them off at the Sith Academy on their sixth birthday and be free again." Public Enemy Number One shrugged.

 

"Thanks. I had almost forgotten what a ruthless and heartless ***** you are, sis." The Wrath replied.

 

"Yea well, you know. I have a reputation to think about. But what the hell am I gonna do with kids? My husband thinks he's a weekend war hero, my best friend is a con-artist, I somehow have a homeless career criminal sociopath on my roster, and a pet jawa. Who's gonna watch out for the little brats? Mako? She's hopeless. Can't even shoot straight."

 

"I think that's the only time I've ever heard you say anything personally responsilbe." The Wrath stated.

 

"What are you talking about? I'm totally responsible. Responsible for like a dozen shootings, and I always bring back my bounties. I'm the portrait of professionalism." Public Enemy Number One shrugged.

 

"That's not really what I meant but okay, sure." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"So How about you? You seeing anyone?" Public Enemy Number One asked.

Poor thing is probably still a virgin.

Nope.

What? You're a telepath?

We're on the family plan. Empire Strikes Back rules.

I thought you had to be like totally awesome at the Force to do that?

Nope. That's the first thing that they teach you at the academy. Original trilogy rules. You can do mindtricks and telepathy and stuff whenever its convenient to the plot.

What about the whole midichlorian thing?

Nope. The Force is magic. Midichlorians just give you cancer. A whole buttload of cancer.

Okay, so why is your inner monologue text pink, then?

matches my lightsaber crystal.

 

"Okay, so do you have a boyfriend?" Public Enemy Number One asked, again.

 

"Oh yea. Sometimes he's kind of a pain in the *** to get into the bedroom though." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"Does he not like sex or something?"

 

"No he does, he's just got this whole Duty-Before-Pleasure attitude. Career Imperial Navy thing."

 

"Aren't you a Sith Lord? Can't you just tell him his new duty is servicing you?" Public Enemy Number One suggested.

 

"That's actually exactly what I did on Thursday." The Wrath blushed.

 

"So he's like a military guy? Is that your type? Men in uniform?"

 

"Eh... Kind of. I mean when you're a Sith Lord you can pretty much have boys in uniform whenever you want. I keep him because he's a tactical genius. Every once in a while he goes off on this whole braniac super villain thing and its totally hot." The Wrath admitted.

 

"Really?"

 

"Oh yea. On Friday, he betrayed me. Ratted me out to my former master, led me into this trap, programmed these robots to kill me and stuff. I mean I was mad at him at first, right? Who wouldn't be? But by the time I dragged him back onto my ship I was so. Turned. On. Best angry sex I ever had." The Wrath explained.

 

"That's kind of kinky." Public Enemy Number One replied.

 

"So what are we eating here anyways?" The Wrath pointed to her plate.

 

"Charbroiled wraid *****." Public Enemy One took a huge bite.

 

The Wrath spat out her food. "Are you serious?"

 

"Its good isn't it?" Public Enemy One took a huge bite.

 

"I just didn't expect..."

 

"That's pretty much Mandalorian cooking in a nutshell. They run out into the jungle, kill the meanest thing they can find, roast its genitals, then dump sriracha rooster sauce on it." Public Enemy Number One explained. "You want to get a plate of fried nexu ********s? They're to die for."

[cocopants]

*snort* I laughed so hard at this. And the rest of the people in the house was sleeping, so it was really hard to be quiet.

[Doozzer]

SUNDAY MORNING WRATH

The continuing normal week of an average female sith warrior

Servant One: THE WRATH WENT TO DO HER DAILIES

Servant Two: THE WRATH NEEDED CREDITS TO PAY A TICKET AFTER SHE PARKED HER SPEEDER AGAINST A RED CURB OUTSIDE OF A GROCERY STORE.

Servant One: Wait, is that why she went to do her dailies? She never does her dailies. What the hell is wrong with her, parking like that?

Servant Two: THE WRATH HAD A FEMININE EMERGENCY AND oh, why hello there, Wrath.

 

What the hell are you guys talking about?

 

Servant One: Nothing. Nothing embarrassing at all. Are you PMSing?

 

WHAT KIND OF ******E QUESTION IS THAT?

 

Servant Two: THE WRATH RAGES!

 

"You hit me in the face with your lightsaber hilt? What the hell is wrong with you?" The Wrath wiped blood from her lip.

 

"I'm a Jedi, you're a Sith, I must stop you from doing whatever evil it is you're about to conduct." The Jedi preached.

 

"What the hell man, I'm a girl! You hit a GIRL in the face!" The Wrath began wiping blood up with the end of her robe.

 

"Well, you deserved it for being... a bad person. And wearing black, and looking like a goth." The Jedi faltered.

 

"Listen you ******e, let me explain something to you. You hit a guy in the face, yea that's cool. He gets to go to the bar with his macho buddies and tell everyone he's been in a fight and they all pump testosterone together and feel good about themselves. You hit a girl in the face, I walk around all day and people either think I have an abusive boyfriend, or I'm some kind of cheap skank turning tricks in a freighter-stop bathroom on the back side of the Kessel Run." The Wrath ranted.

 

"Well, when you put it like that, I'm kind of sorry? But you still deserved it for doing bad things." The Jedi shrugged.

 

"Doing bad things? YOU aggroed on ME. I was trying to ninja you. Do you think I would have rode past you on my speeder if I wanted to fight you? Hello? Force Charge? You wouldn't have seen me coming if I wanted to kill you, I would have done my Shaquille O'neil right into your face with my lightsaber. What the hell happened to that thing where Jedi don't start fights, you jerk?"

 

"Well, to be honest, its kind of suspended when you know your foe is going to be up to badness and hurting people." The Jedi shrugged.

 

"Yea that's cute. Keep assuming. Keep shrugging too. Ooh, I must be a bad girl, I wear all black! What BAD THING did you think I was going to do today? Kick some puppies? Feed some kittens through a woodchipper and laugh maniacally? Maybe land my ship on an orphanage?" The Wrath raged.

 

"Well, you were going to come over here and attack all these Republic soldiers milling around aimlessly on this random glacier. Because you're Sith." The Jedi explained.

 

"Are you KIDDING ME?" The Wrath nearly spat. "I'm not Sith, I'm a freakin' pizza delivery girl in black makeup. Some idiot Imperial soldiers parked their walker next to a wampa cave on the other side of this glacier, left 75,000 credits worth of crates in the snow, and then ran off like little girls when the primitive, unarmed, stupid smelly wampa came back home to eat his dinner. It never occurred to any of them that they had enough guns to start another galactic civil war, and that they ought to just shoot the damn thing, so now its my job to run out there, kill the damn wampa in hand to hand combat with my lightsaber, WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE THEY SMELL HELLACIOUS, and then drag a small fortune of thermal power cells THROUGH THE SNOW, back to the base, because apparently GRAND MOFF ******* thought it would be a wonderful idea to deploy THE IDIOT BRIGADE on one of the only 2 planets where its Christmas time year round, and wouldn't it just be dandy if a platoon of Republic jerks decided it would be a nice day for a picnic on the same glacier too, right? Just make my life even harder?"

 

"Well I'm still obligated to stop you." The Jedi said.

 

"Stop me? From what? Keeping a bunch of stupid nameless soldiers from dying of exposure in an icy tomb on this nearly-forgotten backwater hellhole on the outer rim? Yea, you're really gonna earn a lot of light side points on this one chief." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"Now you're just trying to manipulate me." The jedi replied.

 

"No, I'm trying really hard NOT TO KILL YOU. Look, see this relic?" The Wrath opened her character sheet. "Requires Light Side V. That's me! 39 Endurance, 24 power! Light Side! I really want to manipulate you and do bad stuff today!"

 

"Oh. Well in that case, you should surrender to the Jedi order, and we'll like reform you or something."

 

"Oh wow! How totally cool of you, here's an idea... What part of that is an incentive?" The Wrath asked.

 

"I don't understand?" The Jedi asked. "Dont you want to be on the good side?"

 

"Yea sure, the good side. Hold on here while I change everything in my life to adjust myself to fit your worldview. First, I'll give up my ship, my career, my boyfriend, my apartment, all my stuff, and I'll move into some dormroom on Tython and you know, just be constantly surrounded every day by a bunch of screaming 7 year old padawan daycare brats. I'll even grow a little rat-tail. Oh and hey, what if I actually like some of the freakier things Sith get to do in the bedroom. Do I have to give that up too?" The Wrath explained.

 

"Well I can't just let you go. I have to redeem you. I get a merit badge for it." The Jedi explained.

 

"Oh, so now its a career thing for you. Real Light Side, buddy." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"So, uhm, are you going to surrender now or what? Don't make me have to take you in." He ignited his lightsaber.

 

"Yea. Right. First you'll kick my ***, then I'll be redeemed, and then I might even forget that you kicked my *** and maybe date you or something. I have a better idea. You don't even have a name. You're random Jedi #36 on Ilum, and you have a little silver star next to your portrait. So how about me and my friend here, that I have, because I'm a player character and we get companions, beat the hell out of you, take your wallet, and then be on our merry way?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Well, that wouldn't be very light side of you..." The Jedi faltered.

 

"Here's something light side for you- I'm about to Force Push you into a Force Charge and then crit you a bunch of times. Try to land on your head instead of your *** when I launch you across the ice, its fatter and it should hurt less." The Wrath explained.

 

Jaesa gave the Wrath a dirty look.

 

"Oh come on. I tried really hard on that one."

[DarthRamette]

I can not say this enough, I love your story. It cracks me up to no end and with the inclusion of the Emperors hands that is great. Keep it up!

[Doozzer]

TUESDAY AFTERNOON EMPEROR'S WRATH

The often humiliating misadventures of an average female Sith warrior

 

Servant One: THE WRATH WAS TIDYING UP HER QUEST LOG ON CORELIA

Servant Two: THE WRATH NEEDED MORE DRINKING MONEY FOR THE WEEKEND BECAUSE OF HER RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

Servant One: Dude that is not cool. What if she comes in here again? Remember last episode? I don't want to get chewed out again.

Servant Two: You know what? Screw it. I'm not even going to fake it anymore. She really needs to get a handle on her relationship.

Servant One: Man, now is not the time or the place!

Servant Two: No. To hell with that. It's never the time or the place. We get like 10 minutes of screen time in chapter 3, and we're like the go between for her and the freakin' Sith Emperor. This whole Malavai Quinn thing is a joke. She's the EMPEROR'S WRATH. She should be able to get her boyfriend to pay attention to her.

Servant One: SHUT UP MAN HERE SHE COMES

Hey what do you guys do all day anyways?

 

Servant Two: We gossip.

Servant One: About stuff.

Servant Two: Boring stuff.

Servant One: Like what Darth Marr wore to the Dark Council.

 

Doesn't he always wear that rubber juggernaut gimp suit?

 

Servant Two: OH MY GOD HE TOTALLY DOES. AM I NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT? I MEAN IT IS TOTALLY CREEPY

Servant One: It is a little too fetishy. I don't know what he's trying to say with that outfit. Maybe he's into that kind of thing?

 

Alright. I'm done.

 

Servant Two: Tell your boyfriend we said hi!

Servant One: Dude shut up.

 

"Alright Sith, you've defeated me. Go ahead and deliver the killing blow, I'm one with the Force." The Jedi with 1 hit point said.

 

"Why the hell do I have to do this every time I meet one of you guys? I'm Light Side 5. It seems like I have to have this conversation every week. Does nobody ever actually go back to the Council and say something like, 'Hey, there was this Sith lady and she kicked my ***, but then she spared my life, she's actually pretty cool.' DOES THAT NEVER HAPPEN? You'd think you people would know by now." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"You mean you're not going to kill me?" The obligatory quest antagonist Jedi asked.

 

"Didn't I tell you at the start of the conversation it didn't have to go down this way?" The Wrath shrugged.

 

"Well I thought you were manipulating me." The Jedi replied.

 

"Listen. This whole joke is going to get old really fast. You guys need to go back to your community center or whatever the hell it is you Jedi have your little meetings at and have a little discussion. I'm tired of having to pick this conversation option every time I fight some random Jedi master with a name. You're gonna run out of Jedi masters at this rate. There's gonna be nobody left in the Jedi temple except for Alec Guinness and a muppet." The Wrath explained.

 

Nice Reference to the original trilogy there, Wrath.

I thought so.

 

"So you're just going to take me hostage and torture me instead!" The Jedi grinned.

 

"WHAT? NO? What the hell do they tell you people about Sith? Wait, actually, that's pretty accurate... I mean NO. I'm not going to torture you. Jesus, JarJar and George Lucas, what is wrong with some people?" The Wrath cried.

 

"Yea, you should take me on your ship and zap me with force lightning! or choke me! Yea, that would be hot!" The Jedi giggled.

 

Wait, he giggled?

Yep.

Are we really going down the road?

Looks like it.

Sigh. Why me? I bet this never happens to my sister.

Well, she always picks the 'shut up and shoot them' option.

GEE I WONDER WHY.

 

"Wait.. is that your lightsaber in your robe there? OH MY GOD THAT IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE." The Wrath shrieked.

 

"You mean you're not..." The Jedi looked confused.

 

"LIKE THAT? NO. WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION?" The Wrath squealed.

 

Oh, so I squeal now?

Only in disgust.

In that case consider me squealing.

 

"Well... The black makeup, the knee high combat boots, the skintight rubber pants, the scuba-mask looking thing... It all screams dominatrix." The Jedi explained.

 

"You think I dress like this because I want too? Have you ever seen the department stores in Kaas city? Everything is black or red. I mean, yea, I went through a Goth phase when I was a teenager because I was mad at my parents and wanted to look like Morticia Addams, but by the time I graduated, it was like, 'congratulations! You're a Sith apprentice now! Here's your $100 gift certificate to Dromund Gaap, where they only sell stuff that looks like fetish gear!'" The Wrath explained.

 

"Well you could have just gone on the Nar Shaddaa GTN and bought some Jedi robes. Those aren't black." The Jedi said.

 

"Alright you know what? You made me say this. JEDI HAVE NO FASHION SENSE. If I have to pick between my Batman costume and your beige bathrobe, I'll just keep shopping in Gotham city." The Wrath admitted.

 

"Well if you're not looking for that kind of session, why are you here?" The Jedi picked himself up and dusted himself off.

 

"What do you mean a session? Is this like a real thing? How many Sith come here?" The Wrath was perplexed.

 

"We don't discuss the business that goes on in the scene outside the scene." The Jedi explained.

 

"You know what? Screw it. I don't want to know. This sounds like something Vette might be into." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"You didn't know this was that kind of Jedi Temple?" The Jedi asked, slyly.

 

"What? There's more than one? Is there a whole other definition of 'Sacking of Coruscant' that I don't know about?" The Wrath fumed.

 

"...Yes." The Jedi answered.

 

"I thought this temple was Corelia's biggest Jedi reliquary. Don't you guys keep a huge collection of holocrons here?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Well, yea. That too. But mostly the other thing." The Jedi explained.

 

"Well can I just buy a First Edition of Frank Herbert's Dune? Do you guys have that? And any of the sequels too... But none of the prequel crap by his son, its all garbage. Like this other science fiction saga I know that had crappy prequels." The Wrath asked.

 

Nice one, Wrath.

I'm on a roll today.

 

"Technically Dune and Star Wars are really both space operas, not science fiction." The Jedi said.

 

"Look I'm not going to stand here and talk shop with you, whether its books or... The other thing. I just don't read any genre fiction that involves space travel if it was written after 1997." The Wrath stated.

 

"Whatever. Fine, yea we've got those. All the way to Chapterhouse Dune, which is actually off the deep end kind of weird and kinky with the Bene Gesserit and the Honored Matres..." The Jedi squealed.

 

He Squeals now too?

Only in excitement.

That's gross. Lets get back to Star Wars.

 

"Yea whatever. Give me those, and charge it to my Empire Express card." The Wrath said.

 

"Can I interest you in some William Gibson? Philip K Dick? We've got a good deal on a first edition holocron of Neuromancer." The Jedi asked.

 

"Eh... I'll pass. Maybe next time. When I go to a real book store. Instead of... This place." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"Well, if you ever feel like opening your mind to new experiences..."

 

"I'll do what normal couples do and try it with my boyfriend and then never speak of it again. Bye. I'm leaving. Tell everyone about how I didn't kill you and I'm not a sexual deviant! Especially the second part!" The Wrath shouted back over her shoulder.

 

"Thanks for stopping by! Please shop with us again soon!" The Jedi said.

 

The Wrath stopped at the door for a moment to call back to him. "NO SERIOUSLY. TELL EVERYONE I'M NOT INTO THAT. If this happens again, I'm calling my sister and she's just going to roll through here and shoot everyone in the dick." The Wrath promised.

[DarthRamette]

You. Are. Awesome.

[Doozzer]

NEXT THURSDAY AFTERNOON'S EMPEROR'S WRATH

The continuing adventures of an average female Sith warrior

 

Servant One: THE WRATH WAS ON A HOLOCALL TO HER SISTER, THE GALAXY'S MOST NOTORIOUS BOUNTY HUNTER

Servant Two:THE WRATH'S SISTER IS PRETTY HOT.

Servant One: What happened to you saying cryptic stuff?

Servant Two: What? Public Enemy Number One has got a killer bod, that's all I'm saying.

Servant One: Yea but she's married to that Mandalorian dude.

Servant Two: What's her man got to do with me?

Servant One: Well, she's also shot half of the people she's met. Especially the Sith people she's met.

Servant Two: The Mando boy can keep her.

 

"So I was on the holo with little sis the other day, and she said-" Public Enemy #1 was saying.

 

"Wait, what do you mean? I'm your little sis." The Wrath interjected.

 

"Oh... Mom... didn't..." PE#1 stuttered.

 

"MOM DIDN'T WHAT? TELL ME WE HAD ANOTHER SISTER?" The Wrath nearly fainted.

 

"Well, yea." PE#1 shrugged.

 

"How come nobody tells me this crap? I know I got shuttled off to Korriban when I was six, but come on! I'm the freakin' Emperor's Wrath here, Duke of New York, A #1. The Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla. If I come out and say you jerks owe me a family life, dammit, you owe me a family life!" The Wrath raged.

 

"Listen honey, it doesn't take being born Force-sensitive to have a hard knock life. You think you had it bad on Korriban? You should have tried actually growing up in her house. I'm not sure if I actually even had a mother- I had a holo terminal. She used to prop me up in front of it to let SpongeBith Squarepants do all her parenting while she ran off to play Pazaak. That was mom, compulsive gambler. I still shoot everything yellow that I see. It's like I'm neurotic." PE#1 explained.

 

"You are neurotic. And a sociopath." The Wrath shot back.

 

"I am not a sociopath, I'm a professional!" PE#1 retaliated.

 

"Oh that's right- You can't be a sociopath, YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS. Who are they again? The career felon, the con-artist, the hacker, and the Mandalorian patricide?" The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"Hey- Its hard to find a good con-artist these days. Imperial Intelligence is really cracking down on that." PE#1 explained.

 

"Right, so we've established that you're not a psychopath- Just a trigger happy hired killer with a flying halfway house for career criminals." The Wrath said.

 

"I can live with that." PE#1 shrugged.

 

"So what's our sister like?"

 

"Well she just graduated from the inquisitor program at Korriban U and she's currently on assignment under Darth Lachris on Balmorra, putting down rebels." PE#1 explained.

 

"Wait, so she's Force sensitive?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Well, mom didn't know that when she sold her." PE#1 said.

 

"SHE SOLD HER? INTO SLAVERY?" The Wrath nearly fainted.

 

"Well yea, I mean let's be honest, mom is a lazy golddigger. And after dad left her, she couldn't exactly live the lifestyle she was accustomed too, and I was already out of the nest and you were already on Korriban in the Sith program..." PE#1 explained.

 

"SLOW DOWN. How long did you know we had a little sister and you didn't tell me?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Maybe... 3 months? Mom just kind of mentioned it in passing." PE#1 said.

 

"So you waited 3 MONTHS TO TELL ME?" The Wrath got a little bit closer to fainting.

 

"Well I was kind of busy. Assassinating the Chancellor of the Republic Senate. You know the guy, leader of the free galaxy. Kind of slipped my mind." PE#1 said.

 

"I should holocall mom and force choke her." The Wrath mumbled.

 

"That's probably why she never told you herself, you take after dad, you certainly didn't get any morals or righteousness from mom's side of the family." PE#1 rolled her eyes.

 

"How is mom anyways?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Just up to her old tricks since dad left. Dating this Chiss guy in Imperial Intelligence, kind of handsome, treats her right... Probably better than she deserves at least, you know mom." PE#1 said.

 

"Actually, I don't really know mom. She shipped me off to Korriban when I was six." The Wrath growled.

 

"Oh. Right. Force-sensitive. Well, let me put it to you like this sweetheart- You grew up in the Sith system and you actually have a moral compass. I grew up in mom's house and I'm the galaxy's most notorious bounty hunter. You're Light side 5 from Hogwart's Academy of Ancient Evil, and I'm Dark Side 5 from a normal family home. Who do you think was more selfish, evil, and twisted? Darth gym teacher, or mom?"

 

"Why am I so disappointed that that makes so much sense?" The Wrath mumbled.

 

"So how's your boyfriend?" PE#1 asked.

 

"When he's actually being my boyfriend, he's great." The Wrath shrugged.

 

"Well, you aren't exactly sitting around waiting for him, are you? I mean, I would have dated Gault if he wasn't always moping about his last girlfriend, spent the last 20 years iced down in stasis on Belsavis or blah blah blah." PE#1 said.

 

"Well we're not that serious. Yet. I kind of have one in my back pocket for emergencies. You'd like him- strong, silent type." The Wrath admitted.

 

"Maybe you can introduce me sometime." PE#1 grinned.

 

"Aren't you married?" The Wrath gasped.

 

"Only in this galaxy." PE#1 winked. "They're men, dear. They're only good for one thing. Don't think they won't stray if the opportunity arises."

 

"Is that more of mom's invaluable parenting coming to the surface?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Look, she was a terrible mother. But she was right about money, men, and huttball betting." PE#1 admitted.

 

"Well. This has been illuminating. I'm gonna go call little sis now and see how much damage control I have to do on my horrifying dysfunctional family."

 

"Do you need her holo number?" PE#1 asked.

 

"No, I'm gonna use the family plan. Don't need a number for genetics. Remember that if you and Torian have kids, if you don't call, I'll find out the other way."

 

"Is that a threat?" PE#1 sneered.

 

The Wrath just hung up the holo receiver.

 

Paging lil sis, lil sis, come in...

Hello!

 

Oh hey! So... I'm your big sister, the Emperor's Wrath, I just thought I'd say hi and-

 

You've reached the psychic voicemail box of Darth Zash's apprentice. I'm sorry I can't come to the Force right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

 

THEY HAVE VOICEMAIL FOR THIS NOW? WHAT THE HELL, LUCAS?

[Doozzer]

NEXT TUESDAY'S EMPEROR'S WRATH

The typical and unflattering life of a female Sith warrior

 

Servant One: GREETINGS READERS! WE ARE GOING TO TRY SOMETHING FUN AND EXCITING!

Servant Two: THE WRATH IS AT THE READERS' MERCY!

Servant One: WE ARE TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WRATH'S NEXT ADVENTURE!

Servant Two: WE ARE BORED!

Servant One: THE READERSHIP WILL DECIDE WHICH NORMAL, MUNDANE, EVERY DAY TASK THE WRATH WILL ENCOUNTER NEXT!

Servant Two: JUST POST ONE! THE NARRATOR WILL PICK. IT CAN BE ANYTHING.

Servant One: LIKE DOING LAUNDRY!

Servant Two: OR UNCLOGGING A DRAIN!

Servant One: OR HAVING FAMILY DINNER WITH ONE OF HER ESTRANGED FAMILY MEMBERS!

Servant Two: OR A REALLY HOT MENAGE-A-TROIS WITH PIERCE AND QUINN

 

Servant One: Actually, it can't be that one. That's against the TOS.

Servant Two: That's not really fair, I mean male warrior gets to romance Vette AND Jaesa.

Servant One: Male warrior is a punk. Female warrior gets to have Quinn and keep Pierce on the side, the male has to pick. Its the female warrior that's the true pimp.

 

Are you guys gossiping about the dark council again?

Servant Two: KNOCK WHEN YOU COME IN!

Servant One: WHAT HE MEANS IS, YES. WE WERE TALKING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT BORING THINGS. NOT YOU.

Servant Two: WE NEVER TALK ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE VERY BORING TO US. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIVE.

Servant One: WE ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN WHAT DARTH VOWRAN WORE TO THE FORMAL.

Look its okay if you guys are gay. It doesn't bother me.

 

Servant One: WOAH WHAT

Servant Two: WHY WOULD YOU THINK WE'RE GAY?

 

Well you do that evil twin thing from GI Joe, you know, Tomax and Xamot? You always finish each others' sentences and stuff.

Servant One: I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE ON THIS FORUM WAS ACTUALLY BORN IN THE 80'S AND GOT THAT REFERENCE.

Servant Two: THOSE DUDES WERE TOTALLY AWESOME THOUGH. THEY WERE LIKE NINJAS AND THEY COULD FEEL EACH OTHERS PAIN AND STUFF. I GUESS WE ARE KIND OF LIKE THAT.

You mean, "Gay?"

 

Servant Two: WHAT? NO WAY! SHUT UP WRATH!

Servant One: YOU SHOULD GO AWAY, WE'RE DOING SECRET... EMPEROR STUFF.

 

Look guys, I told you. I don't care. I think its kind of cute. I know the empire is kind of repressive. You can stay on my couch if it ends up being a thing.

 

Servant One: FOR THE LAST TIME WE ARE NOT GAY

Servant Two: AND ALSO MORE IMPORTANTLY WE DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS

 

Huh?

Servant One: ACTUALLY WAIT- WE ARE TOTALLY GAY AND WE WOULD LIKE SOME PRIVACY SO WE CAN MAKE OUT PLEASE LEAVE NOW.

 

Oh... Okay. Talk to you guys later.

 

Servant Two: Dude what the hell? I'm not gay.

Servant One: Would you prefer that she knew we knew EVERYTHING about her personal life and eavesdropped on her constantly?

Servant Two: Look, just don't go spreading it around. I'm already the laughingstock of the Emperor's Hand for that one time you guys caught me watching Project Runway.

Servant One: Nice. I almost forgot about that.

Servant Two: ah, crap.

Servant One: ANYWAYS

Servant Two: YES, ANYWAYS.

Servant One: IT IS UP TO YOU, THE READER, TO DECIDE WHAT THE WRATH WILL DO NEXT.

Servant Two: SHENANIGANS WILL ENSUE!

Servant One: Shenanigans? Again?

Servant Two: What?

Servant One: Are you sure you're not gay?

Servant Two: WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THIS. LEAVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WRATH! AND DO IT BEFORE RUNWAY COMES ON!

Servant One: WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU, COCOPANTS!

[cocopants]

NEXT TUESDAY'S EMPEROR'S WRATH

The typical and unflattering life of a female Sith warrior

 

Servant One: GREETINGS READERS! WE ARE GOING TO TRY SOMETHING FUN AND EXCITING!

Servant Two: THE WRATH IS AT THE READERS' MERCY!

Servant One: WE ARE TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WRATH'S NEXT ADVENTURE!

Servant Two: WE ARE BORED!

Servant One: THE READERSHIP WILL DECIDE WHICH NORMAL, MUNDANE, EVERY DAY TASK THE WRATH WILL ENCOUNTER NEXT!

Servant Two: JUST POST ONE! THE NARRATOR WILL PICK. IT CAN BE ANYTHING.

Servant One: LIKE DOING LAUNDRY!

Servant Two: OR UNCLOGGING A DRAIN!

Servant One: OR HAVING FAMILY DINNER WITH ONE OF HER ESTRANGED FAMILY MEMBERS!

Servant Two: OR A REALLY HOT MENAGE-A-TROIS WITH PIERCE AND QUINN

 

Servant One: Actually, it can't be that one. That's against the TOS.

Servant Two: That's not really fair, I mean male warrior gets to romance Vette AND Jaesa.

Servant One: Male warrior is a punk. Female warrior gets to have Quinn and keep Pierce on the side, the male has to pick. Its the female warrior that's the true pimp.

 

Are you guys gossiping about the dark council again?

Servant Two: KNOCK WHEN YOU COME IN!

Servant One: WHAT HE MEANS IS, YES. WE WERE TALKING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT BORING THINGS. NOT YOU.

Servant Two: WE NEVER TALK ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE VERY BORING TO US. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIVE.

Servant One: WE ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN WHAT DARTH VOWRAN WORE TO THE FORMAL.

Look its okay if you guys are gay. It doesn't bother me.

 

Servant One: WOAH WHAT

Servant Two: WHY WOULD YOU THINK WE'RE GAY?

 

Well you do that evil twin thing from GI Joe, you know, Tomax and Xamot? You always finish each others' sentences and stuff.

Servant One: I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE ON THIS FORUM WAS ACTUALLY BORN IN THE 80'S AND GOT THAT REFERENCE.

Servant Two: THOSE DUDES WERE TOTALLY AWESOME THOUGH. THEY WERE LIKE NINJAS AND THEY COULD FEEL EACH OTHERS PAIN AND STUFF. I GUESS WE ARE KIND OF LIKE THAT.

You mean, "Gay?"

 

Servant Two: WHAT? NO WAY! SHUT UP WRATH!

Servant One: YOU SHOULD GO AWAY, WE'RE DOING SECRET... EMPEROR STUFF.

 

Look guys, I told you. I don't care. I think its kind of cute. I know the empire is kind of repressive. You can stay on my couch if it ends up being a thing.

 

Servant One: FOR THE LAST TIME WE ARE NOT GAY

Servant Two: AND ALSO MORE IMPORTANTLY WE DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS

 

Huh?

Servant One: ACTUALLY WAIT- WE ARE TOTALLY GAY AND WE WOULD LIKE SOME PRIVACY SO WE CAN MAKE OUT PLEASE LEAVE NOW.

 

Oh... Okay. Talk to you guys later.

 

Servant Two: Dude what the hell? I'm not gay.

Servant One: Would you prefer that she knew we knew EVERYTHING about her personal life and eavesdropped on her constantly?

Servant Two: Look, just don't go spreading it around. I'm already the laughingstock of the Emperor's Hand for that one time you guys caught me watching Project Runway.

Servant One: Nice. I almost forgot about that.

Servant Two: ah, crap.

Servant One: ANYWAYS

Servant Two: YES, ANYWAYS.

Servant One: IT IS UP TO YOU, THE READER, TO DECIDE WHAT THE WRATH WILL DO NEXT.

Servant Two: SHENANIGANS WILL ENSUE!

Servant One: Shenanigans? Again?

Servant Two: What?

Servant One: Are you sure you're not gay?

Servant Two: WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THIS. LEAVE YOUR SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WRATH! AND DO IT BEFORE RUNWAY COMES ON!

Servant One: WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU, COCOPANTS!

 

I saw my name and was like whaaaaaa

 

Er..I don't know. Quinn and Pierce battling it out for who deserves THE WRATH more?

 

..<_<;

 

Broonmark? Vette? Jaesa? ANYTHING. Just..continue forever. Foreverrrrr. <3<3<3

 

[Dranyari]

*snerk* Family dinner with an estranged family member sounds fantastic. What could also work? Grocery shopping.

 

Think about it. Six people on board (seven if you want to count the droid), one of them a Talz, all with different tastes and wants. Whole milk, two percent, or fat free? What brand of cereal? Can we afford to buy organic fruits and vegetables? Do we have enough snacks? What kind of snacks - junk or healthy? If you forgot to bring the coupons for the ice cream I swear to God I will cut you. Etc.

 

(Nooooo, I am totally not speaking from experience shopping with my roommates. Nope, not at all.)

[cocopants]

*snerk* Family dinner with an estranged family member sounds fantastic. What could also work? Grocery shopping.

 

Think about it. Six people on board (seven if you want to count the droid), one of them a Talz, all with different tastes and wants. Whole milk, two percent, or fat free? What brand of cereal? Can we afford to buy organic fruits and vegetables? Do we have enough snacks? What kind of snacks - junk or healthy? If you forgot to bring the coupons for the ice cream I swear to God I will cut you. Etc.

 

(Nooooo, I am totally not speaking from experience shopping with my roommates. Nope, not at all.)

 

You should listen to that instead, Doozzer. I don't get ideas. ;P

[DarthRamette]

I could handle seeing a Quinn and Pierce fight over her with commentary by the Hands but shopping is great or who gets to program the TiVo and with what

[Arianwin]

I could handle seeing a Quinn and Pierce fight over her with commentary by the Hands but shopping is great or who gets to program the TiVo and with what

 

Seconded! I'd love to see Quinn and Pierce fight over her!

[Doozzer]

Servant One: IT IS DECIDED THEN.

Servant Two: THE WRATH HUNGERS.

Servant One: SHE WILL GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.

 

Servant Two: ALSO I DOUBT QUINN AND PIERCE FIGHTING OVER HER WOULD ACTUALLY GO ANYWHERE.

Servant One: NO, IT WOULDN'T. WHEN YOU PLAY THROUGH WARRIOR AS FEMALE YOU SORT OF FIGURE OUT THAT PIERCE IS PRETTY LIVE-IN-THE-MOMENT COMMITTED BACHELOR.

Servant Two: HE WOULDN'T FIGHT FOR HER AT ALL. HE'D BE LIKE, "ON TO THE NEXT ONE."

Servant One: QUINN'S THE ONE WHO WOULD GET ALL BONNIE TYLER ON IT.

Servant Two: 80s references again?

Servant One: Yea. You know, Bonnie Tyler- Holding Out for a Hero?

Servant Two: Well yea, I do. But does the audience?

Servant One: It was in that Short Circuit movie.

Servant Two: Dude I don't think any of these kids are old enough for Johnny 5.

Servant One: Oh, so they're old enough for R2-D2 but not Johnny 5? That's racist, man.

Servant Two: How is that even possible? Robots don't have races.

Servant One: You know what? I don't even care. NUMBER 5 IS ALIVE. I love that robot.

Servant Two: Wait, is that one of those ridiculous 80s movies that the Wrath has in her media cabinet next to those funky Jim Henson movies?

Servant One: I'm sorry, did you just use the word RIDICULOUS to describe THE EIGHTIES?

Servant Two: What if I did?

Servant One: Then we wouldn't be friends any more.

Servant Two: Seriously?

Servant One: Dude, have you ever even SEEN Earth Girls Are Easy?

[Doozzer]

This episode is dedicated to Dranyari's roommates, who are the inspiration for the Wrath's current predicament...

 

TUESDAY AFTERNOON EMPEROR'S WRATH

The continuing normal day of an average female Sith warrior.

 

Servant One: THE WRATH WENT TO THE COSTCO.

Servant Two: THE COSTCO? REALLY?

Servant One: What's wrong with costco?

Servant Two: Well, nothing. I just figured that you know, the highest authority in the Sith empire would shop at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods or something.

Not when you have 4 mouths and a proboscis to feed. I'm the Wrath, not the First Imperial Bank!

"I don't understand what the big deal is, you said I did the shopping fine last time. I could have gone." Jaesa said.

 

"Nope. There are two major reasons why you are banned from doing the shopping, Jaesa, and they're both very good." The Wrath explained.

 

"And they are?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Reason #1- You bought some kind of garbage cardboard health cereal instead of Cocoa Krispies, and you bought tofu burgers instead of real meat, which pissed off Broonmark to no end, but is inconsequential, because it also pissed me off to no end." The Wrath lectured.

 

"Well I thought I was doing you a favor. You said you kind of wanted to go on a diet, I figured Cocoa Krispies would be a good thing to cut... And the tofu burgers are just more humane." Jaesa shrugged.

 

"Let me ask you a serious question, Jaesa." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

Its going to be a major eye rolling day, isn't it, narrator?

Count on it, Wrath.

Dammit.

 

"Do you enjoy things like the hyperdrive, feminine hygiene, speeder bikes, and clean, filtered water?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Well yea, but I don't understand how that..." Jaesa started.

 

"WELL I DO TOO." The Wrath interjected. "And I didn't evolve all the way up the gosh darn food chain to put eating meat aside on barbecue night just so some frolicking nerf could spend another blissful day grazing on the hinterlands of Voss because he's too stupid to invent blasters and defend himself from predators."

 

"I... didn't realize you felt so strongly about it." Jaesa mumbled.

 

"Oh that? No. That's nothing. I just love barbecue. But I swear to the Emperor, Jaesa, if and when I ever decide to go on a diet, and I probably won't, because the boys love the fact that I finally have an ***, I WILL NEVER CUT COCOA KRISPIES. They will bury me in a Cocoa Krispies box when I die. If I don't wake up to a bowl of Cocoa Krispies every morning, someone is going to get force choked. Do you understand that?" The Wrath finished.

 

And then she felt bad about yelling at Jaesa.

No, not really. A ***** ain't gonna go without her delicious chocolate cereal.

The Wrath remembered she was Light side 5.

I think you underestimate what an important part of my life Cocoa Krispies are.

Please? You do have to live with her. She's giving you puppy dog eyes right now.

Fine.

 

"Okay look. Maybe I was a bit harsh. But Cocoa Krispies are a hard and fast rule on my ship. If you want, you can run back to the freezer section and get some tofu or turkey burgers or whatever bloodless communist garbage meat substitute it is that you Republic girls eat." The Wrath shrugged.

 

That wasn't a very good attempt at being nice.

I am not going to surrender to moral high ground on this one. The whole ship is with me on the barbecue front. Ooh that reminds me, we need another bottle of Sriracha.

 

"Wait, what was the second reason I was banned from doing the shopping?" Jaesa asked.

 

"Because I thought it could be a couples thing that Quinn and I could do, then the rest of you tag-alongs showed up and made it into the field trip." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

again.

Yep.

 

"Well you never take us anywhere. We sit around the ship all day doing slicing missions." Vette moaned.

 

"Those slicing missions pay for your lekku wax, Pierce's protein powder, and that weird nectar crap that Broonmark always drinks." The Wrath added. "Unless of course you'd rather go back to your day job as a collar-jockey on Korriban."

 

"What crawled up your *** and died anyways?" Vette shot back, ever the insolent one.

 

"Because I'm trying too-WAIT." The Wrath caught herself.

Can I do the telepathy thing on her?

Didn't we establish in a previous episode that you can only do that to your family members?

Come on. Let me cheat. Just once.

I don't understand why I should.

Because I'm about to let Vette in on an embarrassing secret.

Well, the audience does love to hear about your sex life. Permission granted.

Because I want to try a sexy voyeur thing with Quinn in the parking lot, and if you help me ditch the kindergarden crew, I'll let you get the 2 gallon drum of the good lekku wax. The L'Oreal stuff.

The Wrath telepathed to Vette.

Only she can read that right? And you I guess? Not the readers? Its just that its incredibly trashy and I don't want anyone to know about the weird stuff.

 

Of course, Wrath. The audience can't read anything in pink text.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you narrator?

Only if it was really funny and made the story better.

Dammit.

"Okay so Vette, why don't you and Pierce go to the fridge section and get us a couple cases of beer." The Wrath suggested.

 

"What? Can't Pierce do it himself?" Vette shrugged.

 

"Did you not get that text message I just sent you? The pink one?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Huh? You mean the... OH. YEA. It just got here. I think telepathy gets bad reception in these big warehouses." Vette blushed.

 

"Okay, so do you and Pierce want to go get the beer?" The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"I actually don't really need her to carry a couple cases of beer." Pierce added.

 

"Well, I'm trying to hook you guys up because I'm trying to ditch you guys, and its obvious she's totally into you." The Wrath told Pierce.

 

"What? He is so not my type!" Pierce is all strong and manly and confident and smells like Old Spice and... oh my god you're right I'm totally into him." Vette grabbed Pierce and ran off down the aisle.

 

"THE BEER IS THE OTHER WAY!" The Wrath shouted back at them.

 

Okay, who's left?

Broonmark.

 

"Broonie, watch the cart. Actually, go to that ethnic alien section and get whatever weird crap it is you use to season the Broonie Burgers."

 

"Honk brrrrrrrr urrrrrrrrr ruuuuruuurrrrrruuuuu."

(Its powdered human brains)

 

"Whatever, I have no idea what you're saying without the subtitles and I don't care. I'm sure its better if I don't understand. Oh, and when Jaesa comes back with the tofu burgers, tell her to go get toilet paper or something, and then throw the tofu burgers in the garbage." The Wrath rolled her eyes.

 

"My lord. What task do you have in mind for me?" Malavai Quinn asked.

 

"Can you slice a fire exit door so the alarm doesn't go off?" The Wrath asked.

 

"Well, yes, but..." Quinn started.

 

"Then shut up and follow me. You're on boyfriend time." The Wrath grabbed his wrist and started walking fast.

[cocopants]

I LOVE YOU.

 

This should be continued forever until you completely run out of ideas and brain-juice.

 

Brain-juice being a figurative term, of course.

[Doozzer]

Servant One: BRAIN JUICE IS AN IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN BROONIE BURGERS

[cocopants]

Servant One: BRAIN JUICE IS AN IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN BROONIE BURGERS

 

*cackle* Broonmark, tsk tsk..