Outlander Stew (or, There are Better Ways to Start the day)

[Allronix]

“Aly, dear. You simply MUST try this.”

 

Alylia was getting used to her counterpart’s...eccentric behavior. Darth Imperius was everything she didn’t expect from a Sith. He affected the mannerisms of your stereotypical crazed Sith, but rarely acted as expected - sparing enemies when possible, often with some justification of “Now, now, lovelies. Never kill what you may need to use later.” It didn’t prevent him from casual use of Force Lightning in everything from interrogations to practical jokes. His robes were brightly colored in combinations that almost clashed (Alylia couldn’t confirm—Miraluka sight had a few drawbacks). His face was usually twisted into some form of smile that one could never be sure was friendly or “I’m going to have your entrails cold-smoked and turned into tasty sausage.”

 

Add the third in their Triumvirate, a Miraluka exile turned Mandalorian, and things got even stranger. Circumstances fell into place to have all three of them captured by Valkorian, having to share a mind with that monster, and co-leading this equally eccentric group of Imperial and Republic defectors to stand up to Zakuul’s threat. Alylia could do little but accept that The Force had a sick sense of humor.

 

One whiff of the pot and it almost curled her nose hairs. “What are you cooking?”

 

“Tukata ragout. Takes hours to get the flavors all melded. And it never tastes right without the seasonings from Dromund Kaas. The Great Red peppers are essential to break through the gamy taste of slow-roasted tukata. And our friends in the black market just happened to get a box. Dried, not fresh, but can’t have everything. Of course, maybe the seeds are still viable.”

 

“It smells like they’d corrode durasteel.”

 

“Imperial scientists were looking into weaponizing it, yes, but they never quite got the formula down. It did work in the initial tests. Of course, it would be terribly embarrassing to the Republic to know that their ship hulls couldn’t handle a taste test. As it stands, it’s used in High Sith ritual dishes and sometimes for interrogation purposes.”

 

“You really are insane, even for a Sith.”

 

“Differently rational, dearie. Terminology is important.” He took a deep, satisfied whiff of the contents, glanced up from the pot, and looked to the bowl she had in her hands. “And whatever are you eating?”

 

“Rootleaf stew. Some of the Jedi who came here brought the plants from Tython. They grew well enough in the hydroponic gardens.”

 

“Jedi cuisine? Oh, should be interesting. Let me have a look.” Imperius wiped his hands on his robes, leaving greasy streaks on the thighs, and walked over, looking into her bowl. “Oh my. Jedi friend, I’m afraid the contents of your bowl must be spoiled.”

 

“No. Fresh,” she insisted. “Plants harvested last night. Cooked up this morning.”

 

Imperius took a fresh spoon from the table, dipped it in, and tasted. He immediately swallowed, gagging. “Oh, no! Little wonder Jedi are so thin! Is that supposed to be a form of torture? If so, very inventive – never knew you had it in you.”

 

“It’s what we ate on Tython at least twice a week. Apprentices got to cook it.”

 

A blue-green flash of sympathy and pity. “Slaves eat better. I should know.”

 

“Slaves eat better?”

 

“Aly, I wasn’t born into these robes. Why do you think I know how to cook? Of course, when I sent the carving knife into an overseer’s chest, my kitchen boy days were done for. Especially since I didn’t use my hands to put the knife there. That meant a one-way ticket to Korriban and a career change.”

 

She wasn’t sure what was worse, the fact he used to be a slave or the cheerful tone he just used to describe murdering his tormentor.

 

“Anyway, dump that out. Maybe the local vermin will eat it. Probably not. I cooked enough for both of us.”

 

If someone told her six months ago...well, five years and six months ago, that a kitchen slave turned Darth was offering to share his breakfast, she would have dismissed it as the product of some top-shelf Nar Shardaa intoxicant. But curiosity and hunger as well as diplomatic protocol pointed to taking a chance on Imperius’s cooking skills. So, bowl emptied, and spoon ready, Imperius merrily served up the stew.

 

“Come to the Dark Side, dear. We at least have decent meals.”

 

Alylia sniffed. Still enough to burn her nose.

 

She dipped her spoon in. Was the Force tricking her or did the chemical properties of the spoon change on contact?

 

She tasted.

 

She’s been on the receiving end of Force Lightning before, and the sensation was little different. The stew burned all the way down, starting a fire in her stomach and blasting every part of her mouth and tongue. She was pretty sure she doubled over and belched fire. Imperius, for his part, daintily scooped up some with a spoon, pinky outstretched. He tasted it, and went pale.

 

“Oh.”

 

With an alacrity that only the Force could accomplish, he grabbed the bottle of bantha milk that was resting in a nearby cooler with the rest of his ingredients and gulped half of it, offering the other half to Alylia, who gratefully accepted it.

 

“I...think I left the pepper in a...bit too long.”

 

That’s when Kita walked by, bes’kar boots clanking on the tarmac, wrapped bundle under her arm. Leave it to their Mandalorian partner to come in at an embarrassing moment, as Alylia was still drawing on some of her limited healing and poison mitigation techniques to try and keep from folding over in pain and Imperius was stuck in a coughing fit.

 

“I was told someone was cooking tukata. Brought some haarshun bread to go with it.”

 

“Kita, be...careful,” Imperius warned. “It came out...bit too spicy.”

 

Kita shrugged, filled her bowl, broke the bread off into three parts, and used hers to dip into the stew, not bothering with a spoon. “Jate. Could use some salt.”

 

 

 

Notes:

 

No, couldn't decide which of my toons made for the best Outlander. Figured all three - stoic Jedi, silly Sith, and Mando'ad to referee - would be comedy gold.

Edited June 12, 2017 by Allronix

[MayhemofChaonus]

It is indeed, comedy gold. Well done. I do love a good silly Sith character, its why I like Vowrawn so much!

[Allronix]

The inspiration behind Darth Imperius (aka Joran Kallig) is "What would Alan Cu**ing (I know, edited for censor) look like as a Sith?" and the end result was this fellow who keeps a grin on his face simply because it annoys his enemies (and makes them wonder what he's up to), and flounces around like a demented kid show host so that no one expects he'll nail them to a wall in three saber strikes or less. About the only one who can get him to drop the act is Ashara, and only behind closed doors. Edited June 12, 2017 by Allronix

[MayhemofChaonus]

Any chance we'll get to see some of that more tender side to him?

 

Also, if you do Valkorian in future updates, I'd like to request that you stay true to his character. Use "serious" and deadpan humor, don't go too overboard with making him into a clown because that would just feel out of character and lose my interest honestly, of course that's just my personal feelings, so do what you like.

Edited June 13, 2017 by MayhemofChaonus

[Allronix]

Just put one in the weekly challenge. Mostly due to the fact I couldn't decide how to react to Zash's little stunt, and concluded the situation was just too absurd to take all that seriously.

 

 

 

Sure, she tried to kill him, but that's expected. They're Sith. Sooner or later, it always ends up with someone getting a fatal case of chronic backstab disorder.

 

But then realizing how much effort she must have put into it - researching the ritual, finding the SI, training him, gathering all those artifacts, securing a spot in the Dark Temple, and keeping it quiet from the other Sith. And then, when everything's perfect, she says "Oh, what the heck. Bring your manservant. He'll be useful!"

 

And all that attention to detail on the setup, she gets blindsided at the last freaking second and ends up stomping about in Khem's body. Seeing as Khem creeped me out anyway, this was like having two unwanted birds knocked silly with one stone and so incredibly funny that I was laughing for several minutes straight.