New Story for Theron

[genealogymaster]

This is my first attempt to do fan fiction, and the first part of a story I have in mind. Would appreciate the thoughts of other fans. Hope you enjoy it.

 

Theron sat patiently at the bar. It had been sometime since he last saw his friend on Ziost. What a crazy time it had been first with the assault on Korriban followed by Tython, Manaan and then Rakata Prime. After they had gone on to Rishi and Yavin 4. He suddenly realized that Sebastapol had been the only one he had spent that much time with. Sebastapol made him feel comfortable and he realized how much he had come to enjoy working with Sebastapol. Theron had never felt like this before.

 

Just then Sebastapol walked in. Theron’s eyes brightened. He said “I wasn’t sure you would come after Ziost”. Sebastapol replied “you should know me better than that by now, I will always come when you want me to.” “I haven’t been myself since Ziost and wasn’t sure if anyone would want to talk with me”, said Theron quietly. Sebastapol replied “There was no way of you knowing there are few people who can resist the Emperor. I’ll say again Master Surro and the others weren’t your fault”.

 

“I’m having trouble sleeping and I can’t stop seeing their faces”, cried Theron. “I can help you with mediation techniques and jedi counseling to help you”, declared Sebastapol. “I’d like that”, whispered Theron. “I have a place on Yavin 4 that we can go to”, said Sebastapol. “Yavin 4 where I first realized you were good at everything”, said Theron.

 

The trip to Yavin 4 was made in silence. Sebastapol and Theron ate a meal and then Sebastapol helped Theron with some meditation techniques and Theron declared “I’m going to lay down for awhile, are you coming”? Sebastapol said “yes”, just then the holo sounded and Sebastapol went to check it out. The holo terminal lit up and Sebastapol saw Satele looking at him. She said “We need you to go to Tatooine. A member of the Dark Council a Darth Sagis is stirring up trouble and trying to act as a new emperor.” “I thought we had a temporary truce with the Empire as a result of Yavin 4 and Ziost” said Sebastapol. “We did, but Darth Sagis views this as a time to take control”, replied Satele. “We’ll give you more information if we can when you land.” Sebastapol said “Can I leave in the morning”? Satele said “That would be fine and gives us more time to try to determine exactly what he is up to.”

 

Sebastapol went back to the other room and saw Theron standing in front of the window in the moonlight. Theron would need to know but decided to wait til the morning and hopefully get Theron to come as well. “What was that all about”, asked Theron. “Nothing to think about till tomorrow”, said Sebastapol. With that they went to bed with Sebastapol holding Theron.

Edited August 19, 2015 by genealogymaster

[Damask_Rose]

You've got a good start! I'd like to see you fill in with more physical details and add in more emotions too. Build up Theron and Sebastapol's feelings for each other!

[genealogymaster]

Thanks for your words, I will have more soon.

[Zandilar]

It's a good start, but here's a few pointers...

 

Each line of dialogue is it's own paragraph. So you'd lay it out like:

 

"The sky is blue," said Theron.

 

"Not it's not it's green," said Othercharacter.

 

"But you don't have ocular implants, so you can't see the true colours," Theron said.

 

This makes it far easier to follow dialogue - when you have it all bunched up like that it's sometimes hard to tell who is speaking.

 

Don't be afraid to use the word "said". Said is a neutral word that helps with dialogue attribution and is mostly skipped over by readers. Use it in preference to anything else, unless you really want to make it clear the tone of voice they used - the punctuation in the dialogue should be enough to convey anything else. (Of course, use "asked" instead of "said" when the dialogue involved is a question.)

 

I'd generally avoid "cried" if you're not finishing off the dialogue with an exclamation mark... for example...

 

"But I tell you, the sky is green!" cried Othercharacter.

 

but not

 

"Blue, it's blue, for the final time it's blue," cried Theron.

 

That could just be a personal thing for me, though... so take that one with a grain of salt.

 

 

There's a lot of telling rather than showing going on. How did they get to Yavin 4? Where did they go when they got there? What is Sebastapol's place like? Show us the meal! Sometimes small talk is just as important as big plot points in showing us character.

 

Lastly, I'm pretty sure Theron is familiar with Jedi meditation techniques. He was raised by them, after all. Lana Beniko implies he knows something of these things when she's talking to the PC after Theron is abducted and the possibility of the force being used to pry information out of his head is raised.

 

(FYI, I'm a creative writing student, and I have some experience with writing outside of that... But you don't have to take my advice, your writing is your writing.)