Grey jedi of The Old Republic:Bryan Hughes

[greyjedibp]

Summery:

Kira and Mary were saved form Killik Leader by a mask man named Bryan. Why did he risk Life to save these jedi and why does Master Orgus Din know him.

 

 

Pairing:

Kira/OC

Doc/FemaleJK

 

 

Autor Note: It been a while before chaper will up so stay with me

Note2:should I Kill Orgus Din or keep him alive.

Edited July 2, 2012 by greyjedibp

[greyjedibp]

Chapter 1

 

On Alderaan Kira and her master Mary Hughes where heading to Mensaav Laboratory.

 

Both were breath hard from running they were doing and Kira just drop knee.

 

 

"Kira we need to keep going or Doctor Parvux going be Killiks next meal" shouted Mary offer her hand to her.

 

Take her hand and got off her feet and said "aright Master let go"

 

 

 

So they battle to Mensaav Laboratory Mary cut Killiks with her twin green lightsaber and Kira with her blue doublesaber. Just then Kria and Mary finding a sealed door at the end of the complex. Mary attempted to force it upon. As the door open. Mary saw lightsaber strike incoming to and use force call one of her lightsaber to her hand to block lightsaber strike. Then attarker knew who it was put away his lightsaber. Mary then knew it was her former master Orgus Din

 

 

"Heh...what took you so long?" ask Orgus in friendly tone

 

 

"Sorry Master all the speeders were taken" joked Mary and Kira laugh little.

 

"I let go, but only this once" said Orgus getting the joke.

 

Kira check to see Orgus taking big breath and said "You looked better, Master. Sure you're aright?".

 

"I've looked worse Kira" said Orgus knowing Kira worried about him and add "I'll be fine.

 

As Mary and Kira walk into the room the notioc a Male Zarbark that had to be Doctor Parvux.

 

"Blasted sith almost kill me." said Orgus aggressive and walk over Zarbark and Orgus added "Was all I could do to save Doctor Parvux"

 

"Hello Doctor Parvux are aright" ask Mary in worried tone.

 

"The enemy lefts us here as food for the Killiks but im fine jedi" repiled the Doctor Parvux

 

"Taking down that Killik leader must have been quite a fight." said Orgus in a pround tone and add in "Thing was huge.

 

Mary look around confused and said "Master I don't know what you talking about."

 

Kira look around too and add in "yeah Master Din we did not see any huge Killiks"

 

Orgus was now confused too and said "The Killik leading others. You did't see it?"

 

Then a wall far right stated shaking and they all heard a nosie of a Killik. All three Jedi walk over to the and they took out there lightsaber

 

"If that thing eats us...you've fired" said Orgus in joke tone.

 

Then Huge Killik came out and attarck. Orgus is taking care of other Kilike while Mary and Kira were taking leader on

 

Kira change at leader in a aggressive lightsaber form the Ataru and Mary can up behind use both her green lightsaber in Jar'Kai form. Leader block their attarck and attrack with his two Vibroblade. Kira duck and Mary force jump and Throw her off-hand lightsaber at it but leader blocked it and Change at Mary and silch her waist and Kira force push leader and Kira run to Mary side.

 

"Mary are u aright" said Kira clearly worried about her.

 

"I be fine Kira" said Mary trying smile but moan in pain

 

Leader Change at both fallen jedi and Kira took her lightsaber getting ready to defend her master. But then a nosie of Blaster pistol hit the head the Killik leader kill it

Kira and Mary turn see where Blast came from. Only to see mask man round about their age holding two Blaster pistol in his hand.

 

The Mask Man walk over to two and said "A you girls aright".

 

"Im fine but my master need see a healer" said Kira looking down at her master

 

Mary was about to she was fine but moan in pain again and Mask Man put his wepon back hold and said "It look that"

 

Then Orgus ran over to them and looking worried and said "Are you both aright."

 

"Your friend here need to a healer as soon your all get out of here" said Mask Man point at Mary.

 

Orgus look at Mask man and Kira saw Orgus shock face on this mask man

 

"Bryan is that you" said Orgus still stunt and Mary and Kira now shock too. How did Master Din know this man.

 

 

"Good to see you too master" said Mask man now named Bryan

Edited July 17, 2012 by greyjedibp

[greyjedibp]

"Bryan what are during here last time I check you were going to start a new life" said Orgus

 

Kira and Mary were stunted had did masters din know this man and why did Orgus know him very well.

 

“Well I got board on Hoth and decide to come to Alderaan and help and there lot trouble here” said Bryan “and beside I was Freeze *** back on Hoth and really want to get off it anyway” add in.

 

Kira laugh at that and Mary putting her hands on her head and Orgus did too and Bryan looks like hurt.

 

“What jedi still have no hummer beside Kira here” said Bryan in putting his hand over his heart

 

Kira then stop laughing and Mary and Orgus turn to him in shock how did Bryan knew Kira

 

“Wait how do know me have we meet before” said Kira look at Bryan waiting for an answer from him.

 

“Well we meet back once when try to steal my Blaster's and try to run back to your friend on Nar Sharren 3 years ago” said Bryan looking through his mask.

 

Then Bryan lifts his hand and reaches for his mask and took it off and putting it back in his bag. Kira is more stunted then before and it took all her jedi training not ran over and jumped in his arms. Instead Kira ask ”Jim is that really you”

 

“Yeah it me but u know now my named is Bryan and not Jim.” said Bryan looking worried that Kira is going shout at him.

 

But till his surprise Mary who shout angry at him “Ok that it Master how do know him and why.”

 

“The Jedi Masters Never told her who I was do you” said Bryan in angry tone that surprise all people in the room and look at master din waiting for an answer him.

 

Finally Orgus answer “no the jedi Council through that if Mary did not know you it would best for her.”

 

Master Din looked sad when he said that and Bryan knew that it was not his fault.

 

“What was best for herself or for the jedi” said Bryan an add in “You know what I’m not surprise at all the Jedi Council were allow ******e beside you Master and Satele.”

 

Mary thought her Master is hiding someting and this man some how knew her. But if he is former jedi why did come here on a jedi misson just save herself and Kira.

 

Some how Bryan Knew casue he answer " why would I save you Mary casue you unlike the jedi ******e I am going to tell you".

 

He walk over to her and said one word that surprise her "Casue Im your older brother"

 

 

 

 

Autor Note: Now that suprise was it. Here the thing I don't like jedi that much casue of there jedi code and I alway thought of the Council as ******e (Beside Satele shan and Orgus Din) and they think of Grey jedi as bad guys when they are not.

 

Autor Note2:Vote still to decide Orgus Din fate.

Edited July 17, 2012 by greyjedibp

[Tatile]

I have suggested this before in your previous threads but you do really need some help with your English. Your demonstration is quite good for someone who has learnt it as another language, but the requirements of written fictional English are a lot higher than those of conversational English. Obviously your translator isn't working. If you tell people what your first language is perhaps someone on here who speaks it could help you with your translations.

 

I can go back and start picking apart your dialogue and sentence structures if you like, but would all be for naught if you continue to use such a poor piece of translation software.

[greyjedibp]

U have amite I done lot better than my last story.

 

Thanks you for your trying to help me.

 

Now which senctere make corrcet on and add more thing in if think not enough

 

My frist is english. Just not good writing out

Edited July 18, 2012 by greyjedibp

[Tatile]

Ok, my apologies for assuming that English was your second language. I can't help you with getting all your words onto paper, that's really something you should ask family or friends about - it's certainly not an area I'm familiar with.

 

I did write out a really in-depth analysis of your first three lines, but then Firefox timed out. I shouldn't bloody write in the reply box. What I will ask you though is what books or stories do you read? Have you considered trying to emulate that style? I don't mean "copy the sentences and add your own names", obviously, but rather: this person tends to write about the mountains and valleys before you meet the characters; whereas this person has you explore the surroundings with the characters, bringing the reader along in the action.

 

I will go back to this sentence though:

Take her hand and got off her feet and said "aright Master let go"

 

I cannot tell if that is in present or future tense. Ideally you want to be using past tense most of the time. However, as you seem to want to start this sentence with an action (the taking of a hand) you can start it with an -ing word, that is "taking". This means you can drop both the "and"s from the sentence. Also, Kira isn't not getting "off her feet", her being on the floor is the reason for her being off her feet, you want her to get back onto her feet. So, you end up with a sentence something like this:

 

Taking her hand, Kira got to her feet. "Alright Master, let's go."

 

If you have any questions, do ask. And feel free to ask lots of questions. The last time I tried to help you with a story you didn't seem to be asking many questions at all, so I had no idea whether you were understanding me.

[greyjedibp]

Why don't countion on with my story I read and tell what chacher to add in.

 

It would help me from good writer and u can rewrite 1st two chaper of the story.

 

I can give you the the plot and u add u idea and I tell u my.

 

It would help become a better writer.

 

Is that aright.

[Tatile]

I'm not going to write your story for you, that won't make you a better writer. You need to write this by yourself - come up with your own plot points, you own characters, your own in-carnation of this universe.

 

You need to proof read you work. This means going over everything you've written, one line at a time and seeing where you've gone wrong. That way you won't end up with nonsensical sentences.

[Striges]

Are you using a regular word processor? Something like Microsoft Word or Works? These programs have grammar checks which will help you with your sentence structure. Spelling checks as well. They aren't perfect, but they'll help.

 

Tatile made some excellent suggestions for you. I'd also recommend having a friend you trust go over your work with you to help proofread and edit. Not rewrite it for you. Sit down and work with you.

 

Right now, you may have great ideas, but your story is very difficult to read.

[greyjedibp]

That just my point I been trying to tell you im good coming up with plot and good idea.

 

But bad writing out ok.

 

Try not harsh on me aright.

 

I am Trying my Best.

 

I had go to youtube to lines from game add to my story and that hard work on me.

 

If you countuie it up for grab now. Casue im giving up on it now.

Edited July 18, 2012 by greyjedibp

[Tatile]

We're saying that if you want to write, you have to do the writing. Other people can't do it for you, you have to do it. Striges is correct, you need to use something like Word and have the Grammar check active as that will point out a lot of places where you've gone wrong. It's not always perfect and hates the use of passive voice (a point of contention in writing circles; I use it so this annoys me).

 

If you think that us saying that you need to do the work to get better at what you want to do is a personal attack, then I cannot help you anymore.

[Striges]

I have to agree.

 

Riding in a taxi won't reach you how to drive. Having someone else write your story won't help you become a better writer.

 

We're trying to give you some suggestions and some tools to help. No one is trying to attack you.

[greyjedibp]

Mate don't right word processor right now and not anytime in the future.

 

Sorry if I sound hrash but to really im trying my best ok.

 

Tell I u what I write the chaper and then check over then post it. If have any spelled mistake point out to me and don't to scare to add your idea in if u have any.

 

Aslo tell me what I shuold add in.

 

Explame:

More thought or feelings

Longer Battle

More OC

 

I Try My best that all I can say ok.

 

Don't give **** better word processor I got one as soon as I can ok:rolleyes: