Romaltya Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) Hey mates, first time writer, long time reader.. thought about "building" upon much of the legacy system by making an account of a fictive "start" character.. please bear in mind that this is a work in progress.. I hope to have chapter one ready by sunday, but any notes or criticism will be greatly appreciatet.. Here follows the account of Belorian Archim Bastawi Characters: Belorian Archim Bastawi – main character, Jedi Consular Calam Drys’Rhedorian – Zabrak, JK, former master to the main character Prelude: I’ve started on this journal on advise from my former master the venerable Jedi-Knight Calam Drys’Rhedorian, a Zabrak knight who first thought me the difference between right and wrong, between the code and convenience and then thought me of the force. The force surrounds us, binds us togheter and connects all living things. But I don’t need to explain all this, I write this journal so that the Jedi Order in posterity may know of our tribulations, our pains and our loss at the hands of the vicious Sith – who even as I write this batters on our gates, our planetary defences, promising murder and mayhem. They are not unlike the rakghouls I once saw on Taris, mindless beasts wanting nothing in life but the suffering of others. But there are an important difference, the rakghouls needs to kill in order to feed, therefore the prerogative of self-preservation justifies their existence.. To some extent.. These Sith however wants nothing but power, the ability to re-make the galaxy into one of their own liking, creating slaves out of the free, killing all who doesn’t fit into their ”perfect society”.. How can one endure against such unmittigating evil? – But I should not think this way, as my former master often enough has stressed, there are no evil, no pure good there can only be the will of the force. And wether these Sith like it or not they too are part of the force.. Still - if they batter down the gate they’ll kill us, will of the force or not. But I should begin with the beginning. I won’t bore you overmuch with my padawan-days only explain a little as to how I got this assignment on the far end of the backside of the galaxy. I was born on a remote miningcolony on Elerion. I was discovered at the age of 4, a relatively young age to start the training to become a Jedi, but the council could not deny the strong connection with the force. There was however some concern with the hot-temper that seemed to be flaring up at the most inoppertune moments. This however Calam vowed to take out of his young padawan when he accepted me at age 10, wether it’ll kill the padawan or not.. Thankfully I never was aware of that, Calam was about the most frightening teacher one could have in the temple – even to a fellow Zabrak, scary tattoes, a plethora of scars from former battles and horns for crying out loud!! He was a harsh and unforgiving instructor whose idea of admonishment could be a sparring match with him. Have any of you ever tried to spar with a Zabrak Jedi-Knight who doesn’t hold back just because you’re 10? Needless to say you listen carefully in his classes. Around the age of 20 I was finally accepted as a Jedi, completed the trials and had more or less resolved my temper-issues if I do say so myself.. Not long after Calam and I was sent back to the Outer Rim. Most of my years as a padawan had been spent out in the Rim, either in some obscure bar trying to piece togheter enough information to solve some murder on a dignitary. Or actively trying to sway warring partyes to lay down their blasters and come to the negotiating table. You make a lot of friends spending your childhood in the frontlines, fighting for peace and order in the galaxy. So when I was offered the choice to stay as a scholar in the academy or going back to the Rim as an official diplomat I didn’t think twice. I couldn’t leave the people and places I’ve grown so fond of in a moment where the galaxy seemed so tense. So I chose to follow my former master on an expedition to the remote planet of Tattoine, where some dirtfarmer (or moisture farmer, same same but different..) was complaining about his wifes strange disappearence. Edited April 13, 2012 by Romaltya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teccarphi Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Good story so far. If I were you, I'd go back through and check my punctuation. Your sentences tend to not leave the reader with a time for breath (no commas). For example, "completed the trials and had more or less resolved my temper-issues if I do say so myself.. " If you read it out-loud, you would pause several times in here. To make it a bit easier to read, it should be something like: "completed the trials, and had more or less resolved my temper issues, if I do say so myself." this makes it easier to read, and tells the reader where to pause and breath. A good way to see where you need commas is to read through out loud, to see where you pause for breath. Where these breaks are, put a comma. Keep it up, Teccarphi (also a first time writer, so I know how hard it is to go through and make sure you have good punctuation when you want to write a story.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romaltya Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Hey Tecca Good advice about reading it out loud, I'll do that and re-edit the post when chap one is complete:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teccarphi Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Hey Tecca Good advice about reading it out loud, I'll do that and re-edit the post when chap one is complete:) Thanks. I look forward to seeing your future works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romaltya Posted April 15, 2012 Author Share Posted April 15, 2012 Hey all.. Sorry for not uploading chapter one as promised.. its getting a bit longer than I origanally intended and I'm currently editing out all the "weed".. I'm working as fast as possible but can't make it till the end of today.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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