Really enjoying the story so far! Just a few notes that might be able to help you out. Your over use of commas is a bad habit you should try and get out of. Whenever I write I fall into the same thing as well =/ Also, sometimes you're falling out of context; you need to give description within the story without breaking away from what's happening with the characters. Apart from that, I am genuinely really enjoying your thread =] Keep it up!