Strive-US Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 (edited) I've been slowly posting these letters on gamefaqs.com, my true message board home, but I thought you guys might enjoy them here as well. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Dear Republic, Thanks for making things so easy. You construct these incredible weapons of war and let us steal them. You train immensely powerful Jedi and let us corrupt them. You amass legions of armed forces and let us recruit them. If it wasn't for your incompetence, we Imperials probably would have lost this war by now. Sincerely, Darth Lexya P.S. Years from now, the wisest among you will warn you against training a dangerous padawan in the ways of The Force. You will, of course, fail to heed his advice and single-handedly deliver to us the greatest warrior the Empire has ever seen. Also, I would sell any time shares you have on Alderaan if you've got 'em. Just sayin'. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Dear Empire, I would just like to inform you of yet another Republic victory against your Imperial scum. If your guys didn't lose so many battles, we could afford to be less merciful. And by the way... If your technology was any good, you wouldn't have to steal ours. If the Dark side of The Force were stronger than the Light, you wouldn't have to cull so many Jedi. And right now, the Republic enlistment center has more recruits than it can handle because every species in the galaxy hates your guts. We all know that evil cannot create--it can only destroy. And once it has wiped out everything, it will have nothing left to do, but turn in on itself. I look forward to your imminent demise. Sincerely, Jedi Master Voln-roth P.S. Years from now, your greatest warrior will single-handedly deliver to us the greatest victory the Republic has ever seen. Remember, the lowest levels of hell are reserved for Sith and pod racers. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Dear Mr. “The Hutt”, Sorry for welshing out on you the other day. I swear it’s not what it looked like. I was about to pay you your money, but my hyperspace drive must have turned on by itself or something. That damn thing never works properly! I swear, it’s going to land me in frozen carbonite one of these days (please, don’t get any ideas). Anyways, I just wanted to reassure you that I’m good for those credits I owe you. I just need to make a quick withdrawal from my bank, which unfortunately is on the other side of the galaxy. Also, I don’t think they’re open Tuesdays. But don’t you worry, you know I’m good for it. For real-sies. In the meantime, I’d appreciate it if you would return my girlfriend to me. Honestly, I really like what you’ve done with the whole slave outfit setup and I am willing to take her back as is. I never cared for that frumpy frock of hers anyways. Your favorite smuggl...I mean, expert transporter, Sans Holo P.S. If any of your guys complain that some of their stuff has gone missing, tell them I don’t know anything about it. I mean, I think the Rancor ate it. Bye. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Dear Mission Board Weekly, Hi! I’m a long time reader, first time writer. Big fan of your stuff. I was intrigued by last week’s article “Career Choices in a Galaxy Far, Far Away” and thought I’d chime in. I’m a bounty hunter of some repute and thought it might be nice to offer my insights on a unique profession. First, being a bounty hunter is pretty sweet. I mean, the only thing better than killing people is getting paid to do it. Am I right? It’s the best of both worlds! Also, chicks love an outlaw who lives by his own rules. One time, there was this Twi’lek girl I met on Nar Shaddaa and man the things she did with her lekku… Anyways, I’m getting off topic. What I really wanted to share was that being a bounty hunter isn’t all guns and glory. Like anything else, it has its share of downsides. For example, this profession seems to attract the dregs of society. I mean, these are folks who couldn’t get hired at a Tatooine bar if they tried. Also, I got called in for a gig once with this lizard looking dude and a giant bug and I tell you the smell was unbelievable! Thank goodness I had my helmet on or I would have been gagging more than a failed imperial commander getting force choked. Another thing, flying across the galaxy can get pretty lonesome. We Bounty Hunters tend not to form strong bonds with anyone—we’re always rushing off to the next job. Really, sometimes I think I’d just like to settle down and start a family, maybe have a son. The good news is that some weird looking aliens offered me a sweet deal! They said they would set me up with a huge apartment and my own kid if I let them take some blood samples for some cloning experiment or something. I admit I was concerned at first that I’d be producing a bunch of faceless goons with no character or individuality, but they assured me otherwise. Plus, I guess it’s always great to have someone who has your same blood type and matching kidneys conveniently nearby. Meh, maybe I’m worrying about this stuff too much. Those aliens told me to keep my head on straight and I’d be fine. Your fan, Django P.S. Some advice for future bounty hunters—especially those that don’t make it—always check the garbage ducts. You never know what some people might throw away. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Dear “Force Users”, Hey! I just wanted to clarify something for all you girls in dresses and chalk-faced goons with your oversized inhalers. If a ubiquitous, all-powerful, and semi-sentient force renders itself invisible, it probably means one thing—it wants to be left damn well alone. The Force is not with you! Nor you with it! Seriously, it was just one date. You guys are so damn clingy… Also, stop doing things in my name! I am not “guiding” you! You are neither associated with me nor bear any legal right to represent me in any form or fashion. I am so sick of you pompous Jedi and self-deprecating Sith that I swear I’m just gonna let you wipe each other out someday. Don’t you think that if I wanted to send a message to everyone in the galaxy that I could easily do so with my own omnipotent powers? And if even if I were to preach something, it definitely wouldn’t be to have a bunch of celibate old men surrounding themselves with young children. Trust me, that’s a recipe for some bad ****. And you Sith, always concentrating on my Dark Side. You know I always hide my blemishes there! And those cameras are never very flattering. Why can’t you just focus on my good side? Even us universal entities get insecure from time to time… So all you guys just back off for a bit! I get real force sensitive. Unsincerely, The Force P.S. I scored with both your mom and your sister last night. They definitely felt “The Force moving through them”. Twice! Later d-bags! Edited June 5, 2013 by Strive-US spelling Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LocutusMIT Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 That's one internet for you, sir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melodylane Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 This a hilarious post! I give it a +10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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